Feeling Guilty---update... Thanks

I think I would consider whether she should be in the advanced class. At 8 would be what 2nd or 3rd grade. she shouldn't hav emore than 20 or 30 minutes of homework plus the reading. I would break that up. home from school, snack and homework, then some playtime then reading before bed. no tv no video game no nothing else til the homework is done. I would not use choir as a punishment but i would just take her out of it altogether. good luck

What I've learned with my own gifted kid?

If a schedule isn't working, it doesn't matter how "good" it sounds... it's rubbish.

You took away choir... fine. Stick with that this week, but it's not working, so it's time to stop forcing something to happen that isn't.

You have a LOT of schedule options. After dinner. After bathtime. Before school. BEFORE CHANGING CLOTHES (that's actually my tied for #1 recommendation to try, because it's so close to your original schedule . Imagine coming home from work, changing, and having to go back to work. It's a drag. Try having her stay in her school clothes. A lot of gifted kids have sensory and spatial issues where they relegate or "group" certain things.) What else is tied w/ #1? Either before school (before her "brain gets full", or after bath once she's gotten all the wiggles out playing, and has been nice and relaxed. It depends on whether she's mentally exhausted from the day, or craving physical activity).

NOT putting a "time limit" on how long she has. If, in her own mind, it will only take 5 minutes, and she has an hour... a lot of gifted kids will want to wait 55 minutes. Even if in actuality it will take them an hour. Ditto, if in her own mind it's 3 hours worth of work... and she ONLY (omg, what to do?! I can't do it! I'll fail!!! Better not to start because then I can't fail!) has an hour, a meltdown can ensue.

Environment. She may need fast or slow music playing (personal preference). She may need to work on the couch, or the stairs. She may need a lot of "distraction" in order to focus... or she may need things LESS distracting.

Giftednes... remember... is a BRAIN DISORDER. Parents of neurotypical kids often "want" gifted kids, because they see the performance aspect,. But as with any brain disorder there are accommodations and problems that come part and parcel. Things that work for your friend's kids, aren't going t work the same way for yours. That's just part of the ball game.

I'm sorry, but I think that the poor child has been in school all day, then comes home for another hour and a half of school When does she get to play? Maybe she needs to go outside and run around for a couple of hours before she is chained to a desk again. I would be frustrated if I were her also. Of course, we aren't used to having homework in the same way. Once my kids are done with school for the day, they are done until the next day. No school work to do in the evenings. I can't imagine. Sorry.

School is your child's only job. She needs to be told she needs to work hard at school because that is her only job. She is to do her best each day. And mom, as long as she is really trying.. do not worry about the grades.

How long does it actually take her to do her homework.. this should not include potty breaks, snack breaks and fit throwing. The actual minutes each night. If it is more that 30 min. per each subject.. figure out why. See if it is one subject or all of them.. If it is longer than 30 min. in a subject or all of them, speak with her teachers and let them know.

Our daughter always took advanced and accelerated classes, but she was willing to do the work.. Once she was in 3rd grade, we made an agreement. As long as she did her work and got up without complaints in the morning.. SHE could decide when she was going to do her homework..

Sometimes, she did not begin her work for an hour after she came home, sometimes, not until after dinner and sometimes, right after she got home and had a snack.

She learned pretty fast that staying up late alone.. is not fun.
She also learned this was not my homework this was her homework. If she needed help, assistance or supplies, she needed to inform me.

There were parents at her school who really disliked the homework. Their children just refused, threw fits and could not get the work done. It was a battle for them almost every night.

It was suggested to them, maybe it was just too much for their children and they should consider the regular paced classes. They were learning the same things, just at a slower pace. These students were given time to at least start their homework, most finished it in class.

Maybe you could mention this to your daughter. Maybe she feels overwhelmed by all of the work. She may be willing to move to the other classes until she can keep pace.

I was a child of divorce and I will tell you, I lived with a lot of stress as a child. My parents argued about all sorts of things. I had a hard time concentrating on what I needed to be doing. I became depressed. My father complained about my mother and my mother complained about my father.

Remember you are both her beloved parents. She loves you equally. She is part of both of you so when you say things about or criticize her father, she feels you feel the same about her.. Same goes for her father.. Each time he says things about you, he is making her feel like it is about her too.

TRY your very best to stop the arguing when your daughter can hear. TRY to not blame situations on him. Protect her from the ugly side of your relationships. It is going to affect her emotionally and her self confidence.
It is a distraction for her at all times.

I do understand the choir practice seems to be a good thing to hold over her head, but if it is only once a week and her only extra activity outside of school, I would hesitate to take that away. Maybe she needs instead to do extra chores on the weekends.

Parenting is so hard. Your daughter is obviously struggling with something. She is throwing fits at home because she has to hold it together the rest of the time around others.. What is it she is so frustrated, angry or worried about?

If you cannot get her to tell you.. take her to a therapist.. She needs to figure this out.

I read you "what happened" I think your divorce has probably made things difficult for her. Don't be harsh on her. When my parents had an argument my dad would give my mom the silent treatment for a month. That killed me. They didn't divorce, but to watch him come home from work and grunt "hello" and be silent the rest of the day took a toll on my sisters, but especially me. I literally went down hill with school, friends etc. You need to have a one to one with her. She needs consoling. She's drifting away from school? It's coming from home. Place her back in Choir next week, at least let her have this to remove her from what's happening at home. You have to come to peace with your ex. Explain that it's whats causing her to fall back in her studies. Give her positive reinforcement and sit with her to do her homework. Give her the guidance she needs.
Wish you luck...

When is she physically active? I dont see that in your schedule? When does she have time for socializing with others? Also not in your schedule. Her life is just school work and meals. Sounds very depressing.

Maybe your daughter is feeling unstable because she's been through a divorce. Choir is probably the place she feels the best. I don't think its something you should use as a bargaining tool, it's not the same as a video game or cell phone.
I'd work more on figuring out a way to get the school work done. The choir is more of a necessity than you realize. If she's enjoying singing and is good at it, she needs to remain in it for it's healing properties. I'd talk to her teacher and try to work out a plan that works for your daughter. Maybe you, teacher and daughter need to sit down and talk, communication might open some doors.

My son is also in the gifted classes but that doesn't mean he can do homework right after getting home. He needs time to decompress. He knows he has until dinner is ready to do whatever he wants, then after dinner he needs to complete his math, and other homework. I let him do his homework in whatever room and position he feels he wants to (sometimes on his bed, sometimes on the couch, sometimes at his table). Projects that require help need to be talked about before the deadline - like the 3D model that is due this Friday. Find the schedule that works for your daughter not just you. My son reads on the bus and in the car to get his minutes in. Sometimes you just have to be creative to get the work done. Talk with your daughter and see what she thinks the problem is and come up with a solution that works for both of you together.

I would request the school do an evaluation to determine if she has a learning disability. I say this because it reminds me of my nephew who did have a slight learning disability. When it was discovered they gave him a lot of tools to use to help him with concentration and study/homework habits. It was amazing. He felt better about himself and did better in school. I do agree with the other parents, that maybe she does need downtime before she starts on homework. Maybe she needs an hour or two to run around, play or just relax and then start homework.

I am pretty strong for maintaining the practices. Is there any other consequence to do instead? Perhaps she has a hard time sitting still and focusing. I know I get like that. It is good you keep it structured, but perhaps you need to be more hands on checking on her and keeping her on task. Give her small breaks and snacks to, it helps. Would it effect her, if her homework was turned in uncompleted? Perhaps she needs a deadline to finish at night, otherwise she has to turn it in undone.

As for her dad, just kindly let him know that whatever plan he has in place also isn't working since she still isn't completing the homework on his nights, so it isn't juts you being a parenting failure.

Since you said you would take away choir you did the right thing in doing so. Kids learn but they don't give up easily, so even though you did this last week she felt she needed to test you to see if you would do it again. You have to stay consistent or she'll know she can win. Tell her that going to choir is a privilege, and she earns it by doing her homework with no tantrums, and without it taking hours to get done.

When she gets home give her a snack, tell her to get in some comfy clothes, and to get her pencils and such together to start her homework. Have a set time for her to begin, a quiet place for her to do it, once she begins she needs to stay focused, no TV or computer or other distractions. If she has any tantrums send her to her room with the door closed, you don't need to listen to or witness them. (I do this if my 2.5 year old starts to act out.) Refuse to engage in the tantrums as much as you can, otherwise she'll keep doing them for whatever attention she's receiving. Does she have tantrums at school or just with you? I think i would find a discipline for the tantrums alone, something to let her know you expect better behavior out of her. Loss of TV, computer time, going somewhere, not getting something she's been wanting, something that she will miss out on should be effective.

Go over her schedule with her at a time when things aren't stressful. Explain to her that if she follows the schedule she'll have free time to do the things she wants, choir for one. Also tell her that there is no reason why she should be taking 4 hours to do homework in 3rd grade, gifted class or not (my daughter was as well.) If she's having tantrums about other things as well I'd say it's primarily a behavior problem, if it's mostly with the homework I'd talk to her teacher to try and come up with a solution, so put your daughter on notice. She actually may be goofing around at school and bringing home work that should have been done in class.

And, since Dad is such a great parent, tell him to make sure her homework is finished before he brings her home, otherwise he's part of the problem, not the solution. The two of you need to support each other for your daughter's sake.

Don't feel guilty and hang in there! {{HUGS}}

I'm surprised no one has brought up this issue...It is absolutely clear to me that your daughter is after both your and your ex's ATTENTION! Notice that when she takes her time on her homework she gets prodding and nagging from you, and maybe even you sit next to her to make sure she is doing it. That is attention (even though it's negative attention), and I think with the divorce she is calling out to you, "HEY, DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!"

Try giving her a reward for getting her homework done quickly. For example, "I have an idea. If your homework is finished in 45 minutes, then we can read this great story together." (or play a game, or go for a walk, or something else she really likes to do with you) If she doesn't finish in the allotted time, no reward. I think it will work, because what she really wants is positive attention, praise for how smart she is and what a wonderful daughter she is. Also, she wants to hear how you appreciate her patience with you and her daddy while you work through the divorce, and that even though you know it has been hard for her, she has been a trooper and you love her so much!

I'm sure the divorce is affecting her behavior. Plus it's probably too much homework. At my son's school they let us choose between 4 options of homework level and I choose level A -- the least amount, just reading 15 minutes a night -- because I do plenty of hands-on educational enrichment at home, and he has to practice piano each night, plus I want him to have be a kid and run around and play. He worked intellectually all day at school and he loves learning, and at home we learn different (equally important) things.

I like Love and Logic Parenting (and I highly recommend reading their parenting books from the library and taking their parenting classes -- I loved them) and they don't recommend taking away an positive productive outlet for children having behavioral problems. Those positive experiences where they can be themselves and express themselves and feel like they belong somewhere are more important than ever when a child is struggling, and I really liked their compassionate, empathetic point of view. So I personally would keep her in choir.

Next thing I might do is help her manage her own time instead of nagging her (and without being angry, let her suffer the logical consequences at school if she doesn't finish her homework). One way to help her manage her own time is this planner for school kids found on Flylady's website (click on the "Student Control Journal" to download the pdf): http://flylady.net/pages/control_journals.asp

It could be a number of things: her learning style, dad doesn't make her
do her homework at his house, check up on her as she is doing it, make
sure she has a snack so she can concentrate, let her do hmwork in
increments of 20 mins w/ a break.
She may need breaks.
She's probably losing focus, bored, stressed etc.
Work "with" what you have & see rather than swim upstream AGAINST
the current. Work WITH the current.
She may not be learning
She may be trying to test/push the limits. This is where it gets hard & you have to find the reasons why & fine tune what you are currently
doing. You can do it.
Maybe your after school plan was too hard to follow for her . Was it too
regimented. Maybe ask someone else outside of the problem to look at
the schedule.
Don't worry, all plans need tweaking. Try and work with it.
It will get better WITH your help.
You could modify the punishment or talk w/her & tell her that will go away
as she NEEDS to concentrate on her schoolwork first & foremost.
I would try a new approach, new "thing". Hope that helps!

I can honestly say that I have refused to make my kids do homework that was more than they can handle. THEY ARE KIDS for God's sake. They need to play, enjoy activities, grow spiritually, learn about sportsmanship by playing team sports, etc...it's no wonder American children are getting lazy and fat. They have to sit at home for hours and hours doing homework that is nothing more that a teachers desire to make the kids work and work.

My philosophy is that they are under the age of 18, the school has them for approximately 8 hours a day, that's a full time job. Then they expect them to come home and spend 1-4 hours per day doing the same thing at home...for what reason, it is the same thing they did at school. They are not just showing mom and dad what they are working on, they are doing full assignments that require brain power that was all used up during the full day they were at school.

I would tell them she will do a half hour of work and once she reaches that amount of time, I would set a timer too, then she is done for the night and is going to have a life.

My grandson would come home every day, seriously, every day then more on the weekend, from his 4th grade class and have an entire backpack full of books, he would literally be at the desk from the time he got home, even eat his dinner there, and then still be working on it at 11pm and had more work to do. I told them I was done. If they could not provide him the time for instruction during class time that they needed to find teachers who could. I changed him from that school to another and he didn't even have homework but 2 days per week and he went from being a "C" student to an "A" student. His test scores showed he was retaining more of what they were teaching and he was actually learning.