Get My Daughter to Do Homework

She's probably acting out because of the divorce and feels that it's no purpose in doing her homework. Just communicate and show her love. Spend time doing her homework w/her. Make it a point to always ask how her day was at school. Show interest in her. I know you probably have a million and one things to deal with right now, but she is a top priority. This is a difficult time for her as well and feel that her world is falling apart. -Be Blessed!

Your divorce prob has a lot to do with the not caring..Unfortunatley, i too am going through the same thing. I have a seven year old who wants to quit school because of it. she cries every morning and really hates the staff at Startzville Elem. My eleven year old is taking it much worse. My soon to be ex was very abusive and she is blaming everyone because she doesn't know how to feel. Lots of counseling I think is the only way to get through this. Have you taken the puttin kids first class? the state is now requiring us to take a class when there are kids involved in a divorce. The class was really good. It really showed me where my girls were at. Its hard as an adult to make it through this as an adult. how hard it must be to be a child and not understand any of it. The lack of caring may be a way to get more attention from you. Have you looked into the banana split program at the school? It usually helps a little.

Going through a divorce is very sad. The homework is secondary. Your daughter needs your help not anger, she is 8 years old and her homelife is changing. Talk with her teachers, let them know whats going on. After school take her to the park, spend some time with her, talk, no threats, no bribes, work out a homework plan together, write it down, sign it together and post it on the frig. Work as a team.
She needs her mom.

This is a tuff one. She may be acting out because of the divorce. Divorce is really hard on kids. They always make it their fault. I would suggest a really good counsler that works with kids. What city do you live in?

I do not think your daughter has a learning disability. I would wager that your daughter is VERY smart. Either way, and only you know, there seems to me to be one more serious issue. Is it possible that your daughter is angry about the divorce and is misplacing her anger at you about homework? Have you discussed the whole divorce thing with her? Does she have a sense of security about the future and what will happen. Eight year-olds are very smart and understand things a lot better than we sometimes give them credit for. Sit and talk to her about her feelings (you don't have to pay someone to do it for you). Reassure her (even if you have to admit you don't know what the future holds, but that it will always hold you and her together!). Make sure she really knows you love her.

Don't talk about the homework thing in conjunction with that talk though. Also, I know it may be very frustrating for you and you may not feel like you have the time...sit and do the homework with her. Stick a casserole in the oven or crockpot every night for a few weeks and sit with her while the dinner cooks itself. Do this until you have established a pattern and then slowly "get busier" stepping away for a few minutes at a time but coming back to check the progres. Even when I sit there, my daughter and I still often have it out and she starts getting lazy and her writing gets terrible and sloppy, but the work gets done and we have some quality alone time. Also tell her that if she gets her homework done, you will have more time to watch a favorite show together or go out for ice cream after dinner. Good luck!

This is where you have a conference with all her teachers and the school counselor. Some schools in Katy have a program that if the kids don't finish homework they have to sit at a separate table at lunch and finish it then and they also lose PE. The teachers and counselors have years of experience and can be a great resource for you as well as moral support. Good luck. P.S. There are probably a lost of issues here due to the divorce and if so, normal punishments aren't going to work. Never, never get in the habit of bribing kids to do homework. That has long-term repercussions you do not want to deal with.

It sounds to me like your daughter might have a learning disabilty that no one is aware of. She does not want to do her homework and she becomes eaisly distracted and angry because she is having a difficult time with her work and she does not want to feel "stupid" because she does not know how to do it. I suggest that you maybe set up a meeting with her teachers to get their imput. Also, remember that you are not the only one going through a divorce..she is going through it to. Another suggestion is make the learning something "Fun to do with Mommy"

Have you checked with the school to see if the can test her for a learning disorder. They are harder to see in girls because they tend to try harder and be more organized then boys. I used to practically rip out my hair a punish my son because homework was like walking through burning coals. Then we found out that he ahs a learning disorder. Homework can still be hard, but at least I know why. Plus there are litte techniques that I have found work with is disorder most of the time.
Then again it could just be her way to react to the divorce. You might want to see if she will talk to a counselor. I remember when I was about that age my parents went through a divorce. No matter how many times I was told that it was not my fault I still thought that I could have done something different. I became very angry, espically at my mom. Counseling helped me a great deal.
Good luck!

Hi M.,

I had the same problem with my son when he was about the same age. He would be at the table from the time he was home from school, until he went to bed, doing homework. It was so hard on both of us. I found out later that year that he was dsylexic. You might talk to her teachers and see if they have noticed any problems at school. My sons teacher had him tested for ADHD first, but that wasn't it, then she had him tested for dsylexia. There are different types of dsylexia, so she may not have the common one, where the letters are changed around. I hope you are able to work out a system with her. Maybe if you make her earn her priveleges, like 1 hour of homework for every 1/2 hour or tv, computer, playtime, etc...or 1 assignment complete for every 1/2 hour. Hope this helped.

My daughter doesn't do anything after school till she finishes her homework. She sits at the dining room table till its done. We never have a problem with her. She makes good grades too.
My oldest has ADHD and is bad about not doing his homework. He is taking Concerta which helps him mello out a bit and concentrate. Without his medication he is so fricken hyper he goes into spaz mode and you can't get him to do anything that he needs to do. My ex and his wife battle with that. There are some weekends he comes here and has homework. Its like pulling teeth to get him to do it. We apply the same rule to him and as Mary, my daughter. He will be at the dining room table all day and we have to stay right there with him to finish his work. Can't take your eye off him or he will be somewhere else. This home work should take maybe an hour.
It could be the divorce. Maybe she is ADD or ADHD. School work is hard for kids with ADD or ADHD.
Get tough. She can't do anything till her homework is done!

It might be a good idea to talk to the
school counselor and see what services
the school has to assist you, he or she
may suggest a parent conference with her teachers
where together you may come up with a plan
to help her be more successful through this
difficult time.In turn this may ease the
friction between you and have the father
attend one or both meeting to show he
supports you both. On a personal note: if her not
completing her homework is not effecting her grades/performance ignore that behavior for now and focus on the pain she may be feeling because of the divorce; build up her self esteem.
Hope this helps- and I hope you have a support system for yourself.

Divorce is very hard on children. I have four ADHD boys. I found out the hard way I must give them one hour of time outside to run off their energy then we do homework. They just can not stay focused long enough to get any thing done. I also sit down with them and help them. They each have different learning problems. I also work with their teachers so they do not get hours of homework. We also take time to have fun. They grow up too fast not to have time to enjoy them.
Hope this helps
R.

Maybe she is feeling that way that kids feel when their parents split up. But what does she like to do, I have an 9 year old and he doesn't like to do his homework either. But I tell him if he finish and its correct I reward him with money or something else he like like model cars at the end of the week if I don't have any problems out of him during the week.

Hello,

Do you think that she doesn't want to do the work because it is too difficult and she is frustrated?? Does it take a long time for her to do the work? What about her class grades? Does she do well there? She could be struggling and no one has identified that. Go to www.brightsolutions.us and watch a video, "Could it be Dyslexia?" It takes about 40 mins., but well worth the time. This may not be your daughter's issue, but at least you have investigated every possiblitly!. Good luck, L.

Have you tried sitting down with her without tv and doing her homework with her? Up until recently (she now does her homework on her own or with friends)after dinner we would sit in the living room and do her homework together. She didn't like reading much either. So, to encourage reading, I would read one page and she would read the next. Yes, we read many books together and it was fun. I'm sure alot has to do with the divorce. She sounds depressed. If you can, maybe let her talk to a counselor. Good Luck

She may have some sort of learning disability. If it just started, it may have to do with the divorce. Sometimes it affects kids in ways we can't understand. I would see about having her cognitive skills checked (for learning disabilities) or about her seeing some sort of children's counselor in case the split is affecting her.

Good luck and lots of prayers- you will get through this!

Do you think she is having trouble with the divorce? Is this new for her? Do you think she may need some counseling?
We have pretty tricky boys. They are high energy and really intense.
Something that has worked for us with our boys, is to do something called video moments. What you do is just comment on what the child has done, with no judgement. IE I see you have wearing your blue shirt today. You are reading a book. You are playing with your legos. I know it sounds silly, but kids really respond to it. What you are doing is just noticing them. This worked wonders with our boys' attitudes.
After you do that for a week or two, you started adding positive reinforcement. I like the way you cleaned the table. Your piano playing sounds nice today. *You also keep up the video moments too.

We learned this in a parenting seminar.

There is a second part to the plan.

As for rewards. The kids can get time on the computer, or TV etc by doing the things they are expected to do. This goes for attitudes, behaviors and chores. You make a list of what the child is opposed to do and what behaviors and attitudes you expect. Then they get points for all good behaviors and actions. This is where they get the cash to do the things they want. You tally the points at the end of the day.
As for punishment. They get a short time out every time they break a rule. They also do not get points during that time. If they do not have points to buy the things they want to do, they can sit on their bottoms. Or they can do a chore to get points.
Good luck.
L.

We had the same issues with our 2nd grader. She has been difficult since kindergarden! We spoke to the teacher and the couselor but nothing seemed to motivate her. We finally put her on a schedule. We didn't take anything away, we simply didn't allow things until it was done. It took a few weeks but now it seems to be working beautifully. She does homework immediately when she gets off the bus. She has a specific homework seat to sit at. No distractions, brother and sisters are sent outside or upstairs and TV is turned off. No friends over, no TV until all written homework is done. I let her eat a snack while she's doing it. Now that she realizes that we're serious she does the work and is usually finished in 10 minutes or less! We still have issues with studying (non-written stuff) but at least she's not throwing tantrums anymore. Those used to last for an hour or more with no homework done when it was all over. Good luck! I know how frustrating it can be.

M. - You've got a lot of emotional & developmental issues, but have you had her tested for ADD ? I've been thru some similar things and my daughter was diagnosed and put on medicine. It has helped in several ways. She is more motivated to do homework, for starters.
Good luck w/you situation and God bless you.

Talk to your pediatrician. She may have ADD, ADHD or a learning disability (dyslexia?). She may be avoiding the work b/c it does not come easy to her and she wants to avoid it. Talk to a doctor or your school's guidance counselor, they have extensive experience in dealing with these issues and can help you. I know my girl's teachers in kindergarten (when we had problems) were very insistent on nipping this in the bud.
Here's some good news, my daughter was VERY easily distracted in kindergarten and 1st grade. I went through a divorce and I don't know if it was affecting my daughter in school but she is a major daydreamer. She is now in 2nd grade and she just changed and the problem appears to have gone away. I almost had her tested for ADD after talking with my pediatrician (they can do an evaluation in the office and then refer you to a specialist). She is not hyper so it was more for ADD than ADHD.

I think everyone's pretty much already said this, but I believe you definitely need to talk to the teacher first and see if she's doing this in school. My son that's 7, soon to be 8 in May, piddles at home and it's a fight to get him to do his homework too. He takes forever cause he's too busy doing other stuff. I talked to the teacher about it, she said he daydreams a little but not much... that he normally does his work like the class. So I finally started making him go to his room to do his homework and it worked. There was too many other distractions w/ him being at the table cause that's where I was getting dinner ready, my 4 year old playing and whatever else, so yea it was really hard for him to want to sit down and not play or do other things. But putting him in his room to do homework was the big key for us, plus talking to the teacher. Good Luck! Let us know how it works out!

Tender timing. Do the homework with her. She needs to feel that you and your no-longer husband are confident in the decision you've imposed on her. Showing frustration, pain, etc. doesn't help. Be careful not to reference her looks or behavior alike the father. Not fair to her. We just had a parent meeting Saturday at the daycare, discussing the things we do and the way its affected the children. Wish U could've been a fly on the wall. In our monthly dialogue, we've learned not to make one another's mistakes and how to correct ourselves, keeping our emotions in check. Our children can't understand grown-up situations that we barely have a hold on ourselves. For most of us, its all new. Imagine the kid.

M.,

You didn't mention if this behavior was new to the divorce situation or a pattern that you have seen from early on.

If it is the first of the two she is likely expressing her anger or frustration over the divorce. I feel it is good to offer your daughter her very own counselor that she can express all of her feelings about the divorce that she otherwise feels she can't communicate to you. Children feel they are very much in the middle, whether we put them there or not. (Starting with a school counselor might be good.)

If the later of the two seems more likely, welcome to the club of "Mother's of Strong Willed Children". Some good reads that may help: "You Can't Make Me, (But I can be peruaded)" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, and "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson.

Good luck!
J.

I have seen in many children who become indifferent to school work that there is some sort of learning problem, a feeling in not really understanding the course work, or having some other difficulty at school. You may want to talk with her teachers and the counselor at school and get feedback and help right away. i see you are going through a divorce and that right there tells me she has alot of stress going on inside - I would suggest some family counseling and some reassurances from you and your husband that she; number 1 is not the reason for the divorce - it is amazing how much guilt children take on themselves in this situation, and number 2 that she is loved and that you are not going anywhere and you all with work anything out together. She needs to know she still has a family - and stability - the more people in her life family, and teachers, etc you get involved the more she can be helped. Teachers can be a great asset - if they just know what is going on. Does she have a special place she does her homework - her own desk - play soothing music for homework time - a nice snack - don't give up!

Wow. I have had the same problems even without getting a divorce. Some kids are just tough. What has worked for me is letting my now 10 year old be in charge of her own learning and homework responsibilities. Once I quit micromanaging she started taking over and has done quite well keeping up her grades. Sometimes when she is overwhelmed I help her, like write out the answers, or draw the diagram that goes with the homework. We both enjoy the time together, the teachers are on board and it works for us. Good luck!

G.

I too have an 8 year old and homework became an issue for us. I'm a teacher too so I was kind of surprised when I found myself nagging my daughter to finish her homework. I took things away, she cannot watch tv or play games until homework is done. She didn't like it but it wouldn't necessarily motivate her to finish. When she did this in first grade her teacher said let her face the consequences at school so she has lunch detention. That helped. Then in second grade I tried to make it a game to finish before dad came home or a show we liked to watch came on. Even though we have a routine, the time and the place and my older son as a role model,she stills whines some days and will do anything to put off homework. We've just been trudging through it until a month ago when I had a conference with her teachers. I exclaimed about how much time we spent on homework and they were surprised. They suggested I cut back on a few things (like writing her spelling words because she's a great speller) and it has been so much easier. She will still try to put off homework but it doesn't seem so overwhelming. I would talk with your daughter's teacher and get her on your team. Most teachers have policies for incomplete homework, find out what that is. Also, if you don't already have a homework routine it's very important to start one. Katie sits at the dining room table, she has plenty of light, paper, pencils and few distractions. She knows its the first thing she begins when we get home. Hope this helps.

I have had lots of the same problems with my stepson and my son. I would suggest talking to her teacher to see if she has the same problems getting her to complete work. From there I would speak to her pediatrician and give her as much info as possible. In the mean time one thing that worked well (at least better than other things) was to have her do one part of homework then have 5 to 10 minutes on the computer then more homework in exchange for another 5 or 10 minutes. It was just a compromise because taking things away didn't seem to work for us either. Hope this helps!

C.

I don't really have any advice, I have a request, when you get an answer to this question, pass it on to me. I have the same trouble with my 6 year old. I even had to keep Hannah Montanna tickets from her b/c she refused to do her work. Although my daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD, her father & I chose no to any drugs, she is just so young and honestly for the most part we can deal with her behavior, it is just when it comes to homework things spin out of control sometimes. So I would also appreciate some advice in this category

M.,
May not work, but it's worth a try. I am a single mom and have been for most of my daughters life.
1. Does she see homework as a punishment or chore? Maybe do something to make it fun. Like a star chart on the refrigirator or a special place just for her to do her homework at. Desk, pencil cup etc...
2. Ask her what she doesn't like about it or what can make it a better experience for her. Listen and respond to her concerns.
3. Show how it is beneficial to her and how it contributes to your house hold. I used to explain to my daughter what my job is and "talk up" her job of getting good grades and looking at school as compared to my job. Your daughter is young enough still that she wants to "be like mommy"
4. My daughter used to hate doing homework directly after school, so I gave her an hour to eat a snack, watch tv, talk on the phone etc... then start her homework.

Hopefully some of these suggestions will work! My daughter is the love of my life and I know yours is too! Going through a divorce is never easy and children always blame themselves. You are hurting and she is hurting too. Be there for one another.

First I would go to her teacher/teachers and get their input. Based on what they tell you, try their recommendations if any. Still not working, I would look into professional help. She may just be acting out because of the pending divorce. It might be something simple and quick to fix.

Best Wishes.

My boys come home from school and sit down at the table to do their homework first thing. They know that if they don't get it done, they can't play, or even get up from the table. But, when I was going through my divorce, they fought me hard to see if I was going to really make them stick to things. I had the counselor at the elementary talk to them and teacher conferences to let them know what was going on. It took a while but then they saw that I wasn't changing and they had better get on the ball. Consistency=stability=security for kids. Don't give up and don't argue with her. Just tell her the rules, and then make her stick to them. As she comes around, you can ease up. It is very hard and takes time. I struggle with it all the time. I just know that if my kids see that I bend, they will always try. I am far from perfect and the ideas I share with you are idealistic. I just see in my life what has worked and I do my best to recreate that everyday. Take care and don't worry, your little girl will come back to you, in time.
A.

I'm assumming that you have already checked into the fact that she might have a learning disability that makes doing schoolwork very frustrating and hard for her. She might have all she can take doing it at school. There are places in most school boards that will do that testing. If you know this is not the problem it could be the classic everything in my life is out of control so i'll control what i can. Maybe you can think of things that so far she has had no say in and let her make the decision (what night she visits her dad or what she wears to school, etc.) and see if that helps

Is there a possiblity that there is a separate issue at work causing her to be fustrated and dis-interested in completing homework? Maybe homework is difficult for easons other than acting out. Maybe a tutor would be helpful or a counselor to talk to.

M. are you consistent with your discipline? You have to stick to your discipline and don't let her attitude get you frustrated. Have her sit at the kitchen table until she finishes her homework. No TV, no computer or phone until she finishes. It might take several hours the first couple of times, but after that when she knows you are serious and will not bend the rules, she will do her homework to get on with her life. You can sit with her if you want to, but read a book, or a magazine and ignore her tantrums. Stay calm and takes deep breaths - remember you are the mom. Stay firm!

I am sorry to hear about your divorce, but kudos to you for sticking in there! Your daughter is most likely wanting attention. I am a teacher and I can tell you, divorce is hard on kids, especially that age. Also, as a teacher, make sure you have a homework routine, stick to your discipline, but have limits. That is, do not spend too much time on homework. Make sure to schedule in some fun time just you and her. At her age she should never have more than an hour of homework...ever! That should include her reading time! Just talk to her teacher and tell her your plans. Remember, homework is for practice only! If she is making the grades, she is fine! Just make sure to get that routine in there for future necessities!

When I had my neice living with me I use to have to sit with her and keep her attention on her work. When that didn't work she had to sit at the kitchen table with no view of the TV and she was not allowed to get up until it was all done. If it took til dinner time that was ok but she could not leave the table ( except potty break). Eventually she will get tired of not being able to do anything after school and she will do it. Good luck!