Feeling Bad for My Hubby

part of the problem is likely that she's not asked to do much EXCEPT for every 2 or 3 months. cleaning up should be part of the regular routine. anyone who is suddenly expected to way more than they're used to will have an adjustment period.
you don't say how old she is, so that also factors in. apparently she's over 10, though.
probably old enough to be left alone while her mom works out. that doesn't sound so terrible to me.
HE should be getting firm with her when she mouths off about not having to work at her mom's place and how you should do it all.
but yes, keep supporting him. allowing a pre-teen or teen to wield guilt as a weapon is a heady power rush for the kid. not something you want.
khairete
S.

Good for you for worrying about & supporting your husband.

Good for your husband for wanting to raise his daughter correctly, regardless of what may or may not have been done or expected before.

Just so you know, his daughter IS being a typical kid. You & he need to keep up with good, loving parenting (including chores). She'll continue to express her annoyance with this (being a typical kid) and it may come out as wanting to live with her mom. Hang in there. Keep to the high road. Don't expect her to agree or make it easy.

Doing the right thing doesn't always pay off in the short term -- but it always pays off.

Oh my god!! she makes a 15 year old stay home when she works out! That is child endangerment!

That was total sarcasm but I have two adult children a teen and a 12 year old, they don't want to do things with you. They won't want to do anything with you until they are an adult again unless you want to flip the bill for a cruise or Europe or anything they can go and have fun without you. That is just the nature of teens.

So far as saying she wants to live with mom, she is a teen, and she is a girl. My 12 year old is counting down the days till she can tell her dad to stuff it and live with me. She loves her dad, I am her mom.

Perhaps you guys need to let her explore living with her mom more. Don't take it as an affront to your parenting, meaning she loves you less. She is a teen girl.

Oh the guilt of being a divorced parent... Kids will use this to get their way. (What kid wants to do housework?) Does she have regular chores where she contributes to the family? Your husband, not you, needs to take her out to lunch or dinner sometime and have a "grown up" talk with her. He should ask what she thinks would be appropriate chores for her to do as he wants to teach her responsibility. They should come up with stuff together. Then he should talk about a fair allowance so she can also learn responsible spending/saving. He should really build her up and say that since she is growing up, he really wants to give her more privileges. But more privileges come with more responsibility.

When she uses the "I don't have to at mom's apartment" excuse, he should always have the same answer - something like, "That is up to your mom. (No criticism.) My job is to teach you responsibility and that the more you do, the more respect you get."

Maybe the real problem is the unknown expectations at your house?
She knows her mom requires her to do nothing.
(And I'm pretty sure a 15 year old is "ok" with being home for an hour or two while mom is at the gum.)
But it seems nothing is regularly expected or clearly expressed at your house.
Maybe your husband needs to make it clear what is expected every day/week/month at his house?

Love and Logic for Teens could totally transform his relationship with his daughter. It would help both of you to understand what is really going on and some really great ways to shift the tide.

Everyone says the worst things to the people they love the most, because they know they will be forgiven and loved; no strings attached. Kids think grass is greener on the other side, have some patience everything will be fine. By the way, kids don't think about how long a parent has been in there life, especially if they were in there life less and the other parent has shown a sudden interest; they want to get to know there other half. Good Luck.

Well it sounds like a nasty power play and so many kids who live between two households do this. It is hard to come of age period, for the kid and all parents involved. I think the thing to do is for you and your husband to have a loving talk with her about how much you want her with you all but there will be an effort of everyone contributing to the family. If she wants to go with her mother, she can, letting her know you want her but you aren't going to be controlled by that decision. Just making sure she hears how much you guys do want her. That way if she gets bratty at times, maybe the talk will give her that freedom to grow through this hard time and you guys the freedom to parent her through it. Right now she has
a measure of control, but what she probably needs is security and of course to be made to help out! Good luck!

Suddenly requiring her to do several chores at once after not requiring her to do anything is quite a shock to her. I suggest that he have a calm conversation with her about sharing the upkeep of a house and contributing to family activities. Explain that he's been amiss in not asking her to do some chores and be involved with that aspect of family life. Talk with her about learning how to accept responsibility and how to be a part of a family. Do this in several low key conversations.

Perhaps start out by making a list of things that have to be done in a house and for a family. Then ask her to pick a chore. Tell her that she'll gain a new chore each week. After a month she can choose several to do as her share of the home. Tell her this is a part of growing up and becoming an adult. Arrange for her to earn some privileges in exchange for more mature behavior.

I would ignore her threat to go live with mom. Dad calmly tell her she belongs with him and don't argue. Discuss it with her emphasizing his love and desire to have her live with him. Let it be open to discussion with the final answer always he wants her to live with him.

Hopefully, over the years you've both built up a supportive relationship with her so that she will want to stay.

I like the Love and Logic idea. We all have a role to play in the family, and everyone must contribute. Period. Make that a rule in your home, and give her a list of options, duties and schedules.

It's always hard when kids "suddenly" have to do chores, when they've never been expected to, you know?
How old is she? How is their relationship otherwise?
Also, does HE see you as someone who should "do it all?" Because if not he ABSOLUTELY should be letting his daughter know that you are there to be the main homemaker, but certainly not the only one, and she should always, always be responsible for herself and being part of a family (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc.)
But like I said, if she hasn't learned it by now it's going to be an uphill climb. Still, as hard as it is, I think it's worth it to try, otherwise what has she got? An indulgent mother, a disappointed dad and a resentful step mom? Not good for ANY of you :-(

I understand where you are coming from. The mom going to work out at the gym during the very limited time her daughter is there sends a message that she's not important enough to spend time with. It'd be like DH deciding the only time he could work out at the gym was the 2 hours when the kids are doing homework and getting ready for bed. Of course it's not 'child endangerment' as some sarcastically implied, it's inconsiderate!

My sister went through a very similar situation with her new husband and his son. Everytime they said 'no' to him or expected something from him, he'd just go to his mom's and get his way. He even had her bring him drive-through food at his dad's house a few times when he 'didn't like' what they were serving for dinner. Can you believe that?!?!? Oh, and then when he stopped going to school she decided she's pay him $5/hour to attend. Well, duh, by Tuesday or Wednesday of each week he'd have enough money to do/buy whatever he wanted to do and wouldn't go. Even the time he was there was wasted because he didn't actually do any work.

Anyway, they ended up employed a child therapist who did a very hand's on re-parenting program with them. Sounds similar to the Love and Logic people are talking about. What it boiled down to was "Pay to Play." IF he wanted to reside in their house, eat their food, and use their resouces such as cell phone plans, car insurance, laundry, etc, there were certain things expected of him. (chores and behaviors and school attendence) Otherwise he was free to go to mom's house. Except everyone knew mom wouldn't have him around all the time so the kid had little choice. There was no budging with the new rules. And within a month, they had a whole new kid. He attended school, ate their dinners, helped out as required, etc. It was a tough month, but eventually the kid came to realize there was no way out and once he got used to structure he came to appreciate it.

My kids complain too. When my 16 year old son complained about putting the dishes away from the dishwasher I told him he didn't have to any more...... as long as he never used another utensil, bowl, plate, cup, pot, or pan. And he'd have to buy his own paper plates and plastic utensils. He got the point. Everyone who lives in a house contributes to it's upkeep. Have your hubby reinforce that idea. No one lives for free.

Wow...... he should have had her doing minor chores all along... everyone in the family should have chores they do....

Of course, she prefers it over there because she doesn't have to do anything, and can be a lazy bum......

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

The kid has to learn to start cleaning some time. My daughter is 29 and just moved. I told her she had a week to come back and clean the rooms she used. Today I sent her a text to ask if she was going to clean them and she said yes, but now has major attitude. I guess that pushed her buttons.

So ignore her little fit and tell her she still has to clean.