Fearful That I Will Not Love My 2Nd Child as Much as My First

Relax!!!! A lot of people go through that - I know I did - and I spent a large part of my second pregnancy feeling guilty for just that. How could I possibly love any other child as much as my first? Well I did. I think the heart just expands. And each child is such an individual that there is such an independent and equally strong connection. My daughter thought we had broght her a huge present when my son came home. You will love them - all - of them just as much.

you will love each child exactly as much as the previous...and differently...it's amazing, but true!!

Go for that big family!
J.

the way you feel is totally normal. I have two boys 18 months apart. Believe it or not..the love you have for the first you have for the second. You can't imagine it now. But, believe me it happens. Once you see that babys face..you're in love. It's that simple.

I had the same fear when I was pregnant with my second child. My first child was such a joy and I couldn't imagine loving another child as much.

Boy, was I wrong! When my second son was born, I just feel in love with him, just like I did his older brother. After that, I never worried about not loving another child the same again (I have 4 kids)

Your love doesn't get used up on one child. Your love is like a flame. No matter how many candles it lights, the flame never gets smaller, so there's always plenty to go around.

I worried about my oldest being jealous, etc.. and that does happen with some kids. I just made sure he knew how much I loved him and how important being a big brother was and he was fine.

God's blessing!

~C.

Hi Jamie,

It is not a stupid concern, in fact I think your feelings are totaly normal. It is amazing how much you fall in love with your first child and you can not imagine loving anything more.... but let me tell you, you do not have to devide the current love you have for your daughter with another child.... your love grows. With each additional child you have, God gives you more love to share. And you will be amazed at how different your next child will be than your first ( even though they both come from the same set of parents) and you will love them for different reasons.

please do not let your fears keep you from having a second, or even a third someday. I have 2 boys ages 5 and 7 and they are both amazing! I am pregnant now with twin girls and I know as soon as I give birth, God will give me more love to share.

best of luck to you and your husband.

W.

Not a stupid concern at all and I'm glad you are willing to deal with this issue and not ignore it. It's an honest feeling and you need to look it, plus at all the positive things that comes from enlarging your family...

I tend to think that all Mom's bond with each child and love them. I tend to think all Mom's think they have a favorite but I tend to think what is really going on with this is that because each child is different, each child not only brings them joy in different ways but also a different set of problems and it all comes in different times of Mom's life. So Mom gives each child what she thinks they each need so in reality the love for each child can not be truly measured. Each child is special and wonderful in there own way and to Mom, they are precious.

The biggest gift you can give your daughter are siblings...
They will have a lot of up's and down's with each other all through life but the bottom line is they will always be there for each other right into adult hood.

Although you are very close to your first born...she will grow up and YOU WILL NEED TO let her go experience her own life. This starts with some as early as daycare, kindergarden, high school, right into college, friendships they will make along the way, right into marrage and having their own babies....some even move away to other states..
You are her Mom and you need to prepare her for all things in this world. Two of the most important things she will learn from you is how to be independent, with values to live by. It's your job to lead the way and then let go and this is so for each child you have.

Nothing in this world stays the same...everything changes and you need to move forward and go with it's flow.

Every child you have will be different...as you get older you will be different, the relationship you will have with each child will be different...HAVE FAITH in yourself that you will in fact have love in your heart for all of them.....

I think its not stupip..its your concern. However I think once you hold your child a mothers love takes over. You will love your other children just as much as the first. Denise

You will be just fine and will love your 2nd and future children just as much, as another poster said, it may take some time, esp. while going through the long days and sleepless nights (I currently have a 5 week old and almost 3 year old). I can speak from expereince, I do enjoy my almost 3 year old more, but I know that once my baby is older and more active I will enjoy her just the same, plus having another gives your first child a sibling to be buddies with. Just make sure you are ready, because having 2 is alot of work, esp in the beginning.

darlling, you'll be more than fine. how do you think parents of many children do it? they love their kids and if you see them stressed or not looking happy it is because they are tired. these are bundles of joy. we have a 4 month old and a 3 year old and at the end of the day i look at them and marvel at the miracle God has given us. each child is different and because ofhte age will have unique needs. but if single parents can do it, you can do and have a heart overflowing with love.

I felt exactly the same way. My daughter was 5 when my second daughter was born. So there is a big age difference. You need not worry though, it's like falling in love all over again! My oldest daughter just adores her (most of the time) and is a big help!

Hi J.
What a great question that sometimes people don't dare to ask.
You really don't have to worry about loving the second child, because just like the first one came with its love so will the second, for that matter when the 3&4 came as twins they came with their love too.
It is my opinion that God gives us the love we need to love our children, no matter how many He gives us. Just look at them and know they are a part of you, and love comes rushing in.
Hey, are you an only child? Did you know your mom loved you? and your siblings?
I trust you did.
God bless you and your lovely, loving family
K., married 38 years, 4 children 37, 32 and twins that are 18yo.

do you remember how amazed you were the moment you fell in love with your daughter? that moment where you said you never knew how much you could love someone you just met. the only thing,more amazing than that is when you realize you have so much love inside that you are able to feel that way for 2.

with your first, you will have those special moments of just the two of you, she taught you how to be a mom. you werent sure how to do everything but you learned. that bond is something only the firstborn can have. well, with the second, you already know how to be a mom. you know when to call the doctor, how to feed, change, and comfort your child. there is no guessing. what happens is you get to enjoy it. you arent worrying about every little thing, you know whats coming. so instead of "thinking" you get to just enjoy it all. with the first, times may have been a blur, but with the second you get to notice things you may have missed with the first. you are really paying attention.

you daughter will be fine, im not saying she will never be jealous, but there is no better understanding of sharing and patience than a sibling. you will be amazed at your childrens relationship, the way your daughter plays with the baby. the way your baby looks at your daughter with such interest following her aound the room.

there is no better gift than a sibling. when you are gone, you daughter wont be alone. she will have someone by her side with the same memories that she has. she will have someone to give her children cousins. and not to upset, but with one child, if anything were to happen, that would be the end of you being a mom, the end of you ever getting to be a grandmother. i have seen it happen with an only child and it was so sad. if you arent ready to have another, then dont. but dont let this particular fear be your deciding factor. good luck to you and your family.

Are you an only? I am and it was a shock for me when I first realized that my sons were not going to be exactly the same. I think the real truth is you love all your children the same, but you may have stronger bonds with, or get along with one better than the others. They are people like you with personalities, so each relationship is different. I some times feel guilty when I catch myself thinking that my older son is better looking than my second, but I also think they are both beautiful. I try to be fair, not play favorites based on who knows how to push my buttons better etc. but all in all loving my second son to death has never once been a problem.

Every mom has that feeling until they put that baby in your arms and you fall hopelessly in love with your second, third, fourth .....

There's always enough love to go around; now if there was only enough patience to deal with everything or more hours for sleep. But that's another discussion for another day.

I'm sure you'll get the same response from EVERYONE... you just WILL love your second child as much. I think most Moms have this concern. My older daughter was just 2 when I had twins. I kept thinking there was NO WAY I could love those twin boys half as much as I loved my daughter. But I was wrong!!!! When the new baby arrives, you'll see. It might take a few days or weeks, but you'll love that new baby! Good luck!

I felt the exact same way, even into my pregnancy with my second child. My son was our one and only for 3 years, and I felt nothing but doubt about having another one. I even felt depressed during the pregnancy that I would have to neglect my son. However, it has worked out beautifully. There was some jealousy in the beginning, but my son enjoys helping out with the baby and he's her main attraction all the time. I love them both equally, and in different ways.

As far as you go, don't worry about not loving or having enough love for new baby.. your love multiplies, it doesn't divide. You will not take any love away from your first. You will just have alot more love to *give*.

Don't worry. You will not love your second child just like you love your first, you will love him or her JUST AS MUCH, but differently. Your relationship will vary depending on their needs, stage of development, personality. My children have different personalities, different needs, some are more independent that others, etc. I love them all completely, with all my heart, but each one is different. Does that make any sense? There is no need to worry about this - God, in his infinite wisdom, gave you a capacity to love all your children just as he loves all of us.

Dear J.: No question is ever stupid. You ask because you love your child that much and do not want to hurt her. We have four children all between 15 yrs and 25 years old. Their best gift is each other. When my husband and I pass on, they will always have each other. I too grew up with three siblings and we have each other when our mother passes on. You can love them each as much. It happens. But you will love them differently too. You have find special things about each of them no matter what. It just happens. And it will happen especially to you because you are aware and want to be cautious that all are loved. Our four are so different and loved for their unique likes and differences, their strengths and weaknesses. You can give them individual attention to and take them on special outings away from the other siblings so they don't lose that alone time with you. Your first born will always be your first born. The baby will always be the baby and so on.... Kids are wonderful. We have three girls and a boy and I believe they all feel loved in their own ways. They do joke and feel that each of them is the "spoiled" one which means we must have done alright because they don't all believe the same one was the spoiled one. It is so fun to have them altogether and its during those times I truly am glad we had four children. Best wishes and God Bless, R.

I had the same concern. My first was almost 4 when my 2d came along. I now have 4. A mother's love comes naturally. Just as you love your first more than you ever dreamed you could, you will love any others that you have. I love each of mine as much as I love my first, even the unexpected twins that threw us into a tailspin as a family! Relax, you don't need to plan or work to get there, nature will take care of this for you!

Hi Jamie,
I know you have had a lot of responses, but I wanted to let you know that I had the same fears. My daughters are now 5 and 2. They way I got over the fear was reading that you never thought you could love your first child as much as you do. And you think you can't love the second one as much, but you will. However, my second baby was much more difficult than my first, so I had a much harder time bonding with her. My ob/gyn who is wonderful said it's normal to have it take longer to bond with your second. Since I bonded immediately with my first I figured something was wrong with me. But over time, I bonded with my second daughter and now I love them equally. One thing though that I found surprising is you love them differently - equally but differently.

It will come naturally to you to love this second child just as much as your first. Also seeing the two of them together growing and caring for each other will amaze you.

Good luck (and go for it!)

Hi J.. It's sooo common to feel the way you do. I felt the same way when I was pregnant the second time around. You really do have enough love. It seems strange, but it all falls into place. Once you have another baby you will wonder how you ever thought you couldn't love more then one. You don't have favorites because you love each child for their differences. God gave us all long arms, and laps, and hands to hold all of our babies, and most importantly a big heart with plenty of love. Through an entire next pregnancy you'll probably still have all the feelings of wondering how you'll fit another baby into your life, but once you hold that new baby it all goes away. Your daughter will find her place too. She will probably even want to help out like being a mommy herself. My daughter was only 17 months old when we had another baby, and she was always right there wanting to hold him, help feed him, and love on him. Truly, it all works out.

Dear J., First know that as a parent, no concern is stupid, it just shows you that you are in fact, a bonafide natural. If you had no concerns as a parent, I'm afraid you shouldn't be one to begin with. J. the amazing thing about love is that it's never ending and never limiting. It can only grow if it is in fact true, alot like the Love our Father in Heaven has about us. No matter what we do or even how far we may stray from Him, His love is always there. As a father of seven I can't say in the beginning that even fathers may not have this feeling but let me tell you, once you lay your eyes on that beautiful blessing from above, all doubts or questions are erased. I look at my children and quite frankly, can't imagine life without even one of them. So relax Jamie, you have a great motherly instinct, you'll find your love for your children will be just as great and one day you'll look back and think, "wow, how could I ever have imagined life witout ANY of my children!" Be blessed!

I think a lot of the fears about this center around our dread that we will not be able to provide enough love or nurturing for TWO- that we won't be able to do it well enough if we are spread thinner. My best advice is to look at this new child not as someone who exclusively needs YOUR love and nurturing, but as someone your whole family will provide love for. Your first child needs to fully develop as a person, and understanding what it means to be a brother or sister, and extend that watchful care for fellow humanity will translate into members of society who truly look out for others. This is the air your must breathe into your children- how to be a big sister- how to look out for others beside yourself and realize people are looking up tp YOU to be a role model. Honestly I think more than anything, our oldest children need that other sibling to help them develop into people who will grow up to encourage, look out for others, and be role models. When they grow up, the treasure of having brothers or sisters will be extraordinary in an increasingly fragmented society. Yopur second child will be such an expression of love to your first child.

I write this as an only child who WISHES I had had a brother or sister, and as a mother of a 3 yr old and 1 yr old boy who already appreciate each other more than I ever would have dreamed and play together til their laughter fills the house.

Lastly, consider yourself in your old age. No seniors ever say "Wish I hadn't had so many children". Instead, they wish they had had more. I watch my granparents grow up and have six children to help them as they battle Alzheimers and cancer in their 80's. Of the six, 4 are in a position nearby to help and take turns with meals, visits, and outings. I know that when I am old and need some nurturing, I don't want to be a burden, and if one child was solely responsible for my care, I might be.

Personally I am hoping my childbearing years will extend long enough that by the time I have my last menopause baby, my first granchild will be born and my youngest will get to be like a big brother or sister!

Hi Jamie. I don't think your concern is stupid or silly. What first child will always hold a special place in your hear (as will all of your children). I think there can be a different bond with the first just because you had all of that alone time together while they are the only child. But after having a second, I know that you don't necessarily love one more than the other. The will be 2 totally different people with 2 totally different personalities. I'm sure you have more than enough love to share with both of them.

Once the 2nd child comes along, at some point, there may be some jealousy issues since you can't devote as much time to the first child as you did. But you find hte time, while the second one is napping, etc. When there are 2, they are bound to fight with each other, but then it is also great to see the two of htem play with each other.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

its not stupid, thats why you got so many responses! we all felt the same, and its just not true. a minute after i had my second, i knew i could have a hundred and love them all as much. you love them in different ways because they are different and unique. you love them all best. and you are giving them the gift of each other. they will fight and be nasty and jealous, but they will adore each other and miss each other and look out for each other. and they will have each other and know each other like nobody else long after we are gone. dont worry about that at all, you will see. just give the older one some extra one on one time, include your daughter but dont make her entire existance about being "such a good big sister" she will hear that so much. be sure she knows that she is still and always will be your baby. when you see her taking care of the baby, trying to make the baby smile, you will know why you did it :)

amazingly enough, your heart expands and more love comes pouring. make sure your daughter helps you with things for the new baby. I'd tell her after your 1st trimester is over. she'll be your helper...she'll be the big sister. get books on being a big sister. there are several out there and read those often. as the birth gets closer, tell her that when babies are born, they cannot talk so mami and daddy have to figure out what they need. also make sure that when the baby is born you take some time to spend with her. have a little tea party or something. just make sure she doesn't feel left out. good luck with your decision and may God bless you with a healthy and happy baby. ~Carmen~

It is impossible to imagine loving anyone or anything as much as your child when you are a first time mom. However, I am the mother of two boys and I assure you that I adore both of my sons equally. I am also an only child so I had very serious concerns about the jealousy issue and getting less attention. I make it a very big priority to give both children "special" time alone with myself and my husband. We also try to have them be together alot so that they develop a strong bond. So far, so good, my older son just turned 3 and my younger son will be one next month. They love to play together and I could not imagine my life without either of them. Best of luck with your family!

H J., I know it does not seem possiblt to love another this much but as each child grows in your womb, so does the love. Our mother hearts are very elastic and capable of much love. Take it from me, I have 5. Congrats on #2, Grandma Mary

J.

You will love each child that you have, just as much as the other.

Each child will be unique and because they are unique, your love with each will have its uniqueness also.

My mother, who is 80 now, told me she had the same fears that you are having, when she became pregnant for my sister. She loves us both and our personalities are very different, actually quite opposite.

When the baby comes, let your daughter help you take care of the baby in any way possible. When the new baby is sleeping, try to spend some one-on-one time with your oldest.

I think the biggest problem that you may have, once you have the baby, is you may want get the housework done and postpone spending time with your little one(s).

D.
I'm 60 years old, have been married to the same man for over 38 years, have two grown sons and one daughter-in-law.

Hi J.
You know it's so hard to explain the love you feel for your children. It doesn't matter how many you have they each own all the pieces of your heart but in different ways. Each child is so unique unto themselves that it amazes me that there is that much love to go around. Don't feel that you will take away from your daughter because she will love her new sibling and be so excited to share in everything about the new baby when you have another child. I know it's difficult to comprehend this feeling until you find yourself pregnant and dreaming of your new baby. (Remember that feeling with your daughter..wouldn't you love to have it again)Once they place that baby in your arms the amount of love that pours out is so beautiful. You will see that each child is so different and you will love such different things about them and you won't even know how to explain it. I have three children and I don't have a favorite. I love the different personalities and the different things that are so unique to each child. You aren't stupid, you're a Mother who loves her daughter with all that you are. You love the feeling of the love you have for your daughter just imagine feeling that love again for your next child. It will be a different love but it will have an impact so wonderful you will wonder why you ever felt this way or doubted yourself. Your feelings are so common. I think every Mother thinks that. I know I did. My son-in-law said after having his first son...how will I ever love another child the way I love this one. I told him, "just wait, you will see." He now has three children and he says he can't imagine ever thinking that but is so happy he never missed out on all the love he has to give for his other children. God really knows what love is and he knew what he was doing when he created Moms and baby's for eachother. He gives all of us more then enough love to go around over and over and over and over again. Relax and spread your love around. Let me know how you make out. xox D.

I know of a few people who had the same concern. Don't even think about it for a moment. The same way you fell inlove with this child the moment you saw her, you will also fall inlove with your next. They will have different personalities and you will love equally for different reasons. It is so natral that it does not require any thought or worry. Just do it and don't sweat it!

Hi,
I dont think it is selfish to choose not to have a second child. I am sure that if you do, you will have enough love for both of them, but It sounds like you may need to wait until your LO is a bit older and not as dependent. Trust your intuition on this one.
Good Luck,
Julia

Your fears are not only far from stupid, but common, too. I have a 3yr old daughter and 1yr old son. Though I knew that I wanted to get pregnant with another, I couldn't imagine loving another being so much because my heart already burst with so much love for my first. But amazingly, when he was born, I adored my son just the same. They both have their strengths and weaknesses, and the bond/relationship may be different with each one, but the love is just as pure and strong with each of my children. Yes, the attention will have to be shared, and your daughter may need time to adjust, but in the end, its worth it. Watching them grow, play and interact each day is amazing. There's so much fulfillment that's been added to our family since we've had a second child.

You already have so many responses, but your request really got me thinking so I wanted to respond anyway (I just haven't had access to a computer for a few days).

I spent some time before I was married in China teaching English. They have a one-child policy in China where families are not allowed to have more than one child or they are greatly penalized. I was practicing English with teachers and I asked them one day what they thought about the fact that they could only have one child. The response of one of the women always stuck with me - she was glad she could only have one child because she couldn't imagine loving another child as much as the one she had. I was shocked and tried to explain to her how that wasn't the case - I come from a family of 5 and I know my parents love all of us. It wasn't until I was a parent of one and somewhat unexpectedly pregnant with a 2nd that I understood. I was suddenly terrified that I couldn't possible love another baby like I love my first. It wasn't until he was born that I realized how your heart does open. I do love my 2 children equally yet in different ways. And I also LOVE watching the interactions between them. When my daughter says something to my son like, "You are the greatest guy!" that just makes everything worth it. Good luck!

Hi J.,

Mother's don't deal with the issues of favorites. They pretend that there is no such thing and that they love all their children equally and the same.

I am going to tell you the truth. Each child is different. Sometimes you can go thru a difficult stage with a child like being very close to them and than not agreeing on anything. Sometimes their behavior can turn you off because they're not all you or your husband they are themselves - if that makes sense.

But if you can be firm, but kind with all your children when they go thur their ups and downs it just makes you a better human being in general.

Anyway, you just might not be ready for another child and you should not feel pressured. Have more babies when you are ready and you will love the new baby equally. Have a new baby when you are not finish bonding with the first baby and you may have a bit of guilt with you first child maybe leading you to let him get away with alot of stuff you wouldn't have, which results in favoritism. That's justified favoritism and parenting out of guilt with is the new thing for our generation of mothers. Moms had no guilt in the olden days. Their issues were mostly about being unfulfilled.

Hey J. you need not worry you will have enough love for both of your children. I am a mother of two and believe me you will be amazed at how close they will be and grow together. Once your child comes you'll be surprised at how they will mimick you, look like you, your husband and your daughter. Don't worry you will be fine. Good Luck.

This is not silly or stupid. It is a common concern of many women. You WILL feel the love as soon as you feel the new baby move within you. I have 6 children, 4 of them adopted and I love them all, but differently. They are all unique and I love different things about them.
Do you love your mother, father, husband and daughter? Of course, but you love each differently.
Get pregnant and good luck.

Love is funny - the more you give, the more you get. Never fear, your heart will only grow bigger. In fact, it sounds like a sibling is just what your daughter could use - no one should grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. Siblings help ground us and learn compromise, negotiation, patience and understanding. Trust me - I am a very loved 6th child out of 7, and I have 3 boys myself, all of whom are equally loved! Love doesn't run out or get used up. Good luck!

J. T:

It is truly amazing how much love we have to give. You will love your second child just as much, but maybe in not the same way. I have 2 daughters, 24 & 21, and I love them both very much, but differently. One is more like me, one is more like her dad. I appreciate both of them for who they are. (They don't look like sisters, and are very different people.)

Believe me, when that second child comes, the love will just overflow.

Your first child will benefit from seeing you mothering another child and from having to share you. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to let them learn early that the world does not revolve around them. They will be much better adjusted and happier if they learn this early. Also a sibling is someone who will be there for them when their parents die and will share the same memories and experiences.

So don't worry, it will work out!

HI! you're not alone in your fears! Had the same thoughts when pregnant the 2nd time, and every mother I've ever talked to about the topic has had the same... But, never fear, you will find that your love for your children is endless, no matter how many you have! And you're love won't be different, it will be just as strong for all of them. (I've got 3 girls 9, 7, an 3 yr olds) Try to keep your fears/anxiety, what ever, to yourself, and your daughter will be absolutely fine. She'll take your cue, as she will with most new situations she encounters. Be positive, and show her photos of when she was a baby, read picture books on the topic of new baby in the family... I told my girls that their new sister was just that, THIERS (as much as mom's and dad's new baby)! There is a new person in the house, and they would be the ones to teach her how to be a kid and grow up to be a nice person.
anyway, your feelings are normal, and I'm sure a sign of being a good mother, already concerned about how you're going to do with 2 kids! It'll be great! So wonderful to see kids with siblings, and their love for one another is one of those priceless things.
best to you and your family
K.

I felt the same! I have two girls: 3 yo and a 9 month old.
I feel so much love when I see the two of them together - it is amazing that they'll always have each other! The best gift you can give your first born, is the gift of a sibling!

Importantly, explain to your first born about a new baby. Involve your daughter in helping you out with everything - never ignore her when you have the baby (hard, I know!) but then your daughter feels included! Let her pick out the diaper, the clothes, have her read a story to the baby...

It will all work out! I do not have favorites - my first will always be first at everything, but my baby (the last one, no more kids for me!) will be bittersweet for me as I won't experience the baby stuff anymore...so I really savor each moment with my kids. :)

J.,

I cried to a friend when I was pregnant with my second... over the same thing! Once I saw my new baby, though, it was just a very distant memory.

Every response that I have read is absolutely true! My two are different, and somehow, I love them both with the same intensity. It is wonderful having two. I now know that I could love more, as well! God is great!

Hey J.,

It's so funny that I read your post this morning, because I was actually thinking the EXACT same thing just yesterday. My husband & I want another child, but when I looked at my daughter I was thinking how could I possibly love another child as much, and is it really fair to her to have another one that will take my attention away for just a second! BUT I honestly feel that if we love our 1st child sooo much, as soon as you have another one and hold them in your arms you will love them as much as the first, and there is never a limit in the amount of love you can experience, there is enough love to spread around!! Good luck!!

R.
(mother to Chandra, 21 months)

My oldest daughter was almost 6 when my 2nd daughter was born. We tossed around the idea of having an only child (mainly because of complications we ran into w/my diabetes & pre-term labor) but what totally changed my mind was something my mom said. My mother was an only child and she told me that w/out any siblings she really had no one to share any of her lifetime goings on with, no one to stay up late at night with, and mostly no one to grieve with when she lost her mom. Ironically my mom passed away three weeks before my oldest daughter was born and although there were some complications with my delivery with my youngest and her having to be in the NIC unit for about 2 weeks, I cannot imagine my life w/out both of my girls. Your first is always your first, but I honestly feel that you can't imagine the connection you'll have until it's shared by you, your oldest and your beautiful newborn. There is such a difference all around with my two girls, my oldest is a little okay a lot more used to getting what she wanted because for almost 6 years she did, but just the closeness they have developed is amazing. It's hard to picture having enough love for another one, but there were 4 of us kids in my family & I know that our parents loved each & every one of us. Not more or less, but in more of a different way. The final decision maker with having a 2nd was spending a day with my sister & her only child who was 7 or so. He was trying to tell my oldest about there being no Santa & just looking at him, he's never been a child - he's been a mini-adult since the time he was born. Although he does very well in school & all he has no socialization skills. I'm not saying that all children are like that, but I have just found it to be more common. Good luck with your decision.

First off, you are not stupid. Because if you are, I am too! I had a very hard time getting pregnant with my first son, so when I finally had him he was like my own personal baby Jesus. We are very close and my son is very attached to me. I had always wanted 2 children, but after all my fertility issues, I was grateful to even have one. Shortly after my son's first birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't think I could even get pregnant without fertility drugs, but obviously I was wrong. Even though I always wanted 2 kids, I really didn't know how to feel. I cried all day and I was actually terrified. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was cheating on my son by having another child. But you know what? You get over it quick. My baby (also a boy) is awesome. He is so happy, sweet and loving. And my older son absolutely adores him. They are 20 months apart, so they play and laugh all day with little to no jealousy. Loving him came as naturally as loving the first. As far as having favorites, I can honestly say as of right now, I don't have one. Don't get my wrong, if one of them is having a cranky day, it makes the other one a lot easier to love! I love them both for different reasons. It's hard to explain, but one day maybe you'll see what I mean. Don't close your heart to the possibility of another child, just because you love the first so much. Good luck with your decision.

O.k. let's think about this. Before you had your daughter. Before you were even pregnant with her...Did you think that you would or could love something as much as you love her. Probably not. I know I didn't. I had no idea that I could love something so much that I would lay down my life for them. Honestly, think about that. Now the same happens with the birth of your second, and third, and fourth... Your heart may be filled to the top you think with the love for your first, but the minute you see that second child it's like your heart grows to fit them too. I once saw a quote that is true. "Making the decision to have children is momentous. It is to decide forever to let your heart go running around outside your body." You will love all your children equally. I can't explain how but you do.

J.,

Actually, because you are so bonded with your first, you have an even greater capacity to deeply love your second. I remember feeling this way too. I now have four biological children and they are all very dear to me. I love them all deeply, yet differently. It is not a matter of having favorites, but appreciating their differences and loving them differently. You will love your second baby, you won't be able to help yourself!!

D.
mother to 5

Don't hold back on having more children due to your fear of not loving them the same way you love your first child. I'm a mother of 4 beautiful children and I THANK GOD EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE THEM ALL! I don't know what my life would be without them. Each and everyone of them has a totally different personality. Trust me you will LOVE them ALL! YOUR child will have a companion and will be grateful to you. As the years pass by and you see them grow you will be so HAPPY that you made the choice of having more children. I have a very good bond with all my children. After I had my first daughter it took me 3 years to have my second child, then after two years I had my third, then after two years I had my son. MAKE SURE YOU NEVER EXCLUDE YOUR FIRST CHILD IN ANY ACTIVITY YOU DO WITH YOUR SECOND CHILD LET THEM PARTICIPATE IN EVERYTHING. I'm a single mom now raising ALL four of my children and trust me they are my reason to live. When I'm down and out of the daily routine they are the ones that give me the boost and tell me "MOM YOU CAN DO IT" WE ARE SO LUCKY AND BLESSED TO BE ABLE TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF FEELING THEIR VERY FIRST MOVEMENTS INSIDE OF US. TRUST ME YOU WILL LOVE THEM ALL IN A VERY UNIQUE AND SPECIAL WAY, BECAUSE EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM ARE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL. GO FOR IT GIRL, YOU WONT REGRET IT.

Hey Jamie
I felt exactly the same way! It took me seven years to conceve my first child, and when we finally had her I loved her way more than I ever thought possible! I knew I wanted a second child if, I could have another,but worried too. I felt like I could NEVER love another one the same way, and was worried I would never want to do that to a child. Well, let me tell you...I love my second just as much, there is NO difference. Once she was born, and I could see her and hold her...that's all it took! It was so easy! I had gotten some advice from some one I really trusted, who felt the same way, before I got preg. the second time. She told me she had worried too. She told me it's so weird, but your love for your kids just gets bigger. There is no compitition, it just doubles (and in her case triples!) It is the truth. I know it's hard to take advice from someone else about something like this, but really it's true! If this is the only reason you are holding back on a second child, you should be fine. Hope this helps! please feel free to contact me further if you have any other concerns. I would be happy to talk to you about it.

i have the exact same concerns. you are not stupid. i think a lot of people feel this way. thanks for posting it.

I can't help you with knowing how you will feel when baby #2 comes, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I swear I have the same exact feelings. People look at me like I am nuts when I tell them these feelings! I have one son already and am pregnant with #2 right now. Thankfully a lot of people have told me you love #2 "different" and there is always enoug love to go around. I wasn't sure when I would be ready for #2 either, but in my situation I didn't get much a choice (can we say "surprise?"). I hope it works out for you and you find peace.

I had an advantage with my sister's help in this situation and so do you:Mamasource. My sister cried that she didn't think she could love her second as much as the first but found out otherwise very quickly. When I had the same concern, I remembered her experience and didn't know how exactly but just knew I'd love the second as much as the first. BECAUSE--the human heart is so amazing that it falls in love over and over again and you will, too, with this second child and the love will be unique to her/him and special between the two of you. It won't mean that you now love your first any less either. It's just that you get to love more and be loved more. It's an amazing experience. I have three girls--and it's special with each.

OMG! It was like reading my own thoughts! And I was ready for baby #2 right before our daughter turned 2 yrs old. I felt guilty & sad all at the same time! My daughter was my world and how could I do that to her!!?? The closer it got for our son to be born the worse I felt. I knew I'd love our son but not nearly as much as Kayla! BOY OH BOY was I way off base! My husband asked me why I thought there was a limit to my love! Great question!!!!! So when Brady was born the love I felt when I saw him was un-real! He was born my c-section because he was stuck! Kayla loves him more than I could have dreamed and he loves her!!!
Your loves just grows & grows & grows! He is now 15 months and she is 4 yrs old and they are buddies!

Adding more children MULTIPLIES love not divides it! You will have a favorite thing about each child. It is not like a wardrobe. You love the cloths you have until you get new clothes and then the old sits in the closet. Each child is unique and amazing and you can love them differently. You may not understand this concept until baby #2 comes along because I didn't and I even cried to my sister when I was pregnant with #2, "What if I don't love this baby like I do the first?" She laughed at me and assured me I would love both. She was right!!! Try not to worry! A.

J.,

It isn't a stupid question and my answer is simply you just don't have favorites. Each time you meet a new child of yours, it's just different. I have three boys and they each have such different personalities. I love each one of them as much as the next.

I am an only child and I did not want that for my children. There are times when I wish I had a sibling to call to vent to or share good news with or to be an aunt to nieces and nephews that were related to me by blood.

We just prepared each of the older boys for becoming a big brother and I am to the point of ridiculous when it comes to keeping in mind how something is going to make each child feel. Being an only child, I am very sensitive to avoiding as much sibling rivalry or more, one child feeling he is loved more than another. I tell them all how much I love them throughout the day and no matter what little thing they might do for a little brother or me I thank them and tell them what huge helps they are. Also, if you have another one, have a gift at the hospital for your daughter from "the baby". :)

You'd be surprised. Your life will be full and imagine watching them grow up together, having their own families, their children having cousins to play with. I am trying to make my family everything I wished I had had growing up and even now as an adult as our parents are not very involved. We want a big family and to start traditions and to have that close family we always wished ours was.

Just imagine how full of love your heart is going to be. :)

Good luck,
L.

My second child is now three months old, and I had all of the same fears, particularly when I was pregnant with her. Let me assure you that you will surprise yourself with your capacity to love! Also, with planning and a loving approach, the new addition will be a joy and adventure for your daughter, with no need to hurt at all in the long run (although I can guarantee you will have a little bit of jealousy at some time, but that is a pretty healthy emotion to learn to deal with). Good luck and enjoy every moment!

You will love the second child just as much, but probably in a different way. I have four children, and yes my bond is probably strongest with my first child since he is so much like me in many ways. My second child is everything I wished I could be - outgoing & fearless - which is what I wished for her, but I do find we butt heads sometimes because of it. This didn't happen of course until she was older, but I do feel I love her differently. All four have different things about them that make them special, as well as driving me crazy(LOL)! As for adding new children - all of mine were excited and happy to welcome a new child each time, and the jealousy issues were very minor. It's more a matter of balancing the time you spend with each of them or involving the older ones in helping do things for the little ones. Also, I think the biggest adjustment is when you add the second child. After that you already have the hang of managing two, and adding more children isn't that different after that.
Good luck!

It's not stupid. I remember feeling so guilty when I was pregnant with my second baby that I wasn't going to be able to give my first born as much attention as before. And in the beginning that was true. But I also think about how my child's life is enriched by having a baby sister. It was rocky at first, but now he loves her so much. He loves to help take care of her. Asks about her when she's not in the room and loves to make her laugh. He's become a more compasionate and aware little person because of his new role as big brother.

Cut yourself some slack, too. In the beginning newborns are sort of like mashed potatoes (they are just kinda there). But after a few weeks the love you feel for your new baby is amazing. You quickly learn that your capacity to love is infinite. Sort of like a candle loses none of its light by lighting another. Your capacity for love grows with each new addition to your family.

i just read something wonderful. the fiurst wil feel the most loss bc she/he had undivided attention. the 2nd will have a kid to make tehm laugh all the time so spend as much time with first kid so they will feel your unconditional love and not feel abandoned. this was in harvey karp's happiest toddler on teh block book.

when u see how amazing your kids play together, each bringing out teh best in each otehr...well, all your worries will dissipate. or new worries will pop up as they tend to in moms who care so much!

I think you'd be crazy not to feel that way...I mean I looked at my son with amazement and love and thought how could I love anything else half as much? And then I had my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th son's and with each one comes more love...all my children are different...I treat them each differently, I discipline them each differently(according to what works with their personality), but I don't love them differently...I love each one more than the day before and not as much as I will tomorrow...Remember that moment you first held your child and the love that flooded you, and that even though you had only met a minute ago you couldn't remember life without them? That feeling, you get THAT feeling with every child and it doesn't diminish the way you love your first it compliments it...you love your first child so much you give them the gift of more love...don't look at adding to your family as taking away from one to give to another, look at the gift you are giving to everyone...that's why we call it adding to our family, WE ARE JUST ADDING MORE LOVE. Best of luck!
C.

Hi J.,

Pardon me if I repeat. I haven't read any of your responses. I think all parents to through these feelings, so it's not a stupid question at all. I have three children, and I felt the same when I was expecting my second, and again when I was expecting my third. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. You will love them all equally. Really. You may not like them at times as they get older, but you will absolutely love them always. As each of them will love you back in different ways, you will love each one differently. So, speaking from experience, don't let that thought hinder your decision to extend the family. If/when you do have the next one, prepare your daughter for the new baby. Involve her in the pregnancy by showing her ultrasound pictures, letting her feel the baby kicking, think of names together, etc. I don't remember the book we had to prepare my son for his little sister, but there are so many great books out there about becoming a big sister/brother. Finally, when my daughter was born, the transition was very smooth. There was absolutely no jealousy. I am stressing this because my goddaughter wasn't prepared for her little brother. She's 4, and is so jealous, she pinches her little brother every chance she gets. On the lighter side, you'll want to have the next one just to keep the first one company as they get older. It's so much work to keep them occupied through high school. I just sit back and watch them interact. They're pure comedy.
Good luck in your decision.

Hi J.
Not a stupid concern at all!!!! I think that every mom out there that has more than one child has thought this at some point in time or another. We had our first daughter six years ago and she was SO wonderful that we decided to add on to our family when she was only ten months old. We had our second daughter 19 months after our first. The night b/f I was to go in for the second birth I felt terrible, how could I do this to our little girl who was just a baby herself, I felt like I was ruining her life etc. I won't tell you that adding another baby wasn't difficult at best sometimes, BUT, after the first year they became the best of friends. Sure there's occasional fighting, but right now they've been playing for the past 1.5 with no fights or anything. We had a little boy in October and again it's an adjustment, but both girls are absolutely in love with their brother now. It's really great having more than one child in the end and they'll always have each other. I can say that I wish I had waited longer than 19 months the first time (I love the age range between the girls and the baby, 5 yrs and 3.5)but they ended up being great friends b/c they're so close in age.

We try to be really fair and I think that's the best way to handle siblings. Both my husband and I love our kids for all different reasons. They have such different personalities, so it's easy to love each individually for who they are.

J.,
I totally felt like you! It is very hard to imagine loving another child as much! But just as your first child came packaged with more love than you could imagine, so it will be with the second. At least that was my experience!

Did the first feel hurt or threatened by the second? Well, yes. And because I was so taken with him, she did have to share me! She even asked if I could take him back!

But to see them doing things together now, and the affection they have for each other..... it all works out.

Don't worry - you will have enough love! God bless you! M.

It's completely natural to feel this way, I think all of us go through this. It's so hard to comprehend loving someone as much as we do our first baby, so when a second comes we think "Is that love all used up"?
But, the answer is that no it's not. You will have plenty fo love for your second...and any that follow.

I have had 3 and I also have 2 bonus daughters from marrying my husband (Yep, 5 kids). I love them all just as much as the other.... even the bonus girls.

Now, I will tell you, your relationship with each may be different. I have a special bond with my oldest... he was my first and he was a preemie. He's now 17 and he has his own ideas and thoughts. It drives me crazy sometimes, but I really am proud of him. I know he can be counted on and is very defensive of me, his dad and his siblings.
My second son is bipolar. I had a lot to go through with him and most of it was as a single mom. We also have a special bond, but in a different way that with my oldest. He has really done a lot of growing the the past year and has gotten a handle on the bipolar. But I had to fight for him....fight with the schools and the doctors till someone would help me figure out what was wrong with him and get it taken care of. it was a long road and he's come a long way. I'm very proud of him too.

Then we have my youngest... my daughter that I waited years to have. I was so excited to finally get my little girl. I adore her. We do a lot of things together, such as scrapbooking and other crafts.I have a different closeness with her than the boys, because she was a girl, and because I knew she was my last baby. I cherished every moment with her, even the 3 a.m. feedings. The boys were a little older when I had her (one was 6 the other 7) so I was able to devote a little more time and attention to her and enjoy her at every stage. IO also had my husband to help me with her.
My bonus daughters are also very special to me. I love having them here when they come to visit. But they live 8 hours away so it doesn't happen often enough. They have been calling me mom for a few years now and I call them my daughters.... not my step children.
We aren't a blended family... we are more like pureed! LOL You can't tell which kids belong to whom or which ones are 'blood' related to each other. My younger son and my oldest bonus daughter are 2 weeks different in age and they look alike, so everyone thinks they are twins.... different moms and different fathers. Most times, people think that they are both mine because she looks like me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to write a book for you. I just want you to know that any number of children you have, you will love beyond measure. You will have different relationships with each because they will have their own personalities, but you will never lack love for any of them.

Don't doubt how big your heart is - or your child's! It's amazing how naturally a 2nd child will fit into your family. It's normal to feel how you're feeling, but try not to let it overcome the joy of what an addition to your family can bring. (I know, it seems easier said than done at times.) Although I had thoughts of this during baby #2, it's never even crossed my mind with #3, who is due sometime in September. Each child is different and unique and they each reside in your heart in a special way - picking a favorite just doesn't seem to enter the picture.

Hi J.!

I see you've already received a ton of responses, but I figured I'd add my two cents too! I was also fearful about bonding with my second child. My first daughter and I are incredibly close too. I think it is completely natural to feel this way... it seems as though you couldn't possibly love another as much. There are going to be big differences between your first and second child (and any others), one big reason being that with your first child everything you went through with her was new, something you'd never experienced before and didn't know what to expect. Those first-time experiences are special, and they'll always be special. You will, however, love your second just a much, it just happens. I now have three children and love them all more than anything in the world. Its so interesting to see their unique personalities blooming. They are so close to one another, but yet they are different in so many ways. And although many of the experiences are not new for me (first steps, first words, first tooth), they are still the first experiences for your child and you are so excited for them and still wait with anticipation as they make each milestone. Because we value the bonds we have with each individual child as much as the "family bond", my husband and I always make time to do things with each child alone or one-on-one as well as have things we do as a family. These times seem to be just as important to the kids as they are to us.

Good luck!
K.
(I am a 34 year old stay-at-home mom of three blue-eyed beauties... a 5 yr old daughter, a 3 yr old son, and a 1 yr old daughter)

Hi J.,

Believe it or not, you WILL love the new baby every bit as much as the first. You will have a tremendous bond with each new baby. What is wonderful is that, since each child is different, there are special things to fall in love with for each one. But the love itself will be all consuming. As for your older daughter, don't think about it in terms of her being hurt, think of it in terms of giving her a wonderful gift--another person in her life who will be bound to her and adore her even after you and your husband are gone. The transition needs to be handled right, but if you assure her that she's a vital part of the family, and she's so lucky to have a sibling, she'll go along. I always point out to my son that he had mommy to himself for two whole years, which none of his siblings will ever have; this makes him feel special and blunts the frustration when I need to take care of the little one. Just be honest with your daughter: sometimes the baby will need things right away and she'll have to wait, but she can do so many things a baby can't. And remind her that the needy stage doesn't last that long and soon she'll have a playmate and best friend. You will love each child more as you watch them fall in love with the other.
Good luck!

You have nothing to fear! I had my daughter first and she was (and still is) the princess of the family. Then when she was 5 I got pregnant with my son. They get along great and he simply adores her! I love them both so much! There is just nothing I wouldn't do for either of them. They are so different that everyday is a wonderful adventure. Now, this is not to say that my oldest doesn't get jealous here and there. And even at 17 mos old, my son has shown signs of jealousy. This is normal, but over all she loves to have another child around to play with even if he can't do as much as she would like yet! I remember how it bothered me being an only child and wishing for a brother or sister. Of course, there are other fellow only children that feel they had the good life being in that position. I'll never forget how lonely I was.

I say this as an only child, having more than 1 is great! There will always be doubts for you as to how you are handling your children. What mother doesn't worry that they aren't giving their children the best? If you have that much love in your heart, you have more than enough to share with another!

O my GOD! I tought I was the only one with this problem. Beofore I had my second I told my husband I was afraid I will not love this baby the same as my first. Completely wrong, when you hold your baby all that goes away I love my second just as much as the first. My heart is flowing over with the love I have for them both. You will see, it will happen to you. :) Good Luck! :)

I felt the same with my son and then my daughter was born and the love just pours out of you towards your second just like it was your first all over again.

It is natural, not to worry.

C.

I felt the same way last summer when I had my second daughter. I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough love to go around. I also couldn't understand life with this "intruder" so to speak. BUt when that day comes and you hold that baby for the first time, all of those crazy feelings leave. The nurse in the hospital told me, my youngest will not know life without her sister and the oldest will not remember life without her sister. They will grow up together and always have each other. She was right and when I thought about those words I felt better. I know alot of people that had the same feelings about the how can I love another one as much as the first. You know what you do and you have a special relationship with both. It will be fine and after when you look back on those feelings you will laugh at yourself. Enjoy your children and remember moms are equipped with a lot of things. There is a never ending supply of love!

Hi J.,
I am sure you will be flooded with responses, but I just want to say that I can totally relate to where you are coming from. I had my first child when I was 27 and she was 3 when my next child was born. The whole time I was pregnant I thought there was no possible way I was going to be able to love my next child the way I loved my daughter. It didn't help either that I knew I was having a son and I really didn't feel that I was equipped to raise a son, so the poor little man had two strikes against him and he wasn't even out of the womb! At any rate, he was born and the same overwhelming feeling of love that I felt with my first I felt with my second - IMMEDIATELY.

I assure you, there is room in your heart to love them all equally. I know it seems hard to comprehend, but it really will work out for you.

And depending on your daughter's age, she may or may not take issue with having to share the spotlight, but she will likely be most excited at the prospect of being a big sister.

Best of luck, Stef

Oh, you are so not alone! I had the exact same fears with my 2nd baby. I thought there was no way I could love her as much as my son. And everyone said I would, just in her own way for her own ways. And they were right! And as for not having as much time with the first, just make sure you always include them in the "baby" stuff and find time to spend one on one. It will work itself out. And now, when I see them playing together or cuddling each other, I feel really happy knowing that no matter what, they will always have each other! That is a reassuring feeling also.
It is completely normal to worry about these things, but just trust that you do have enough love to go around.

J.,

It's not a stupid feeling, it's totaly normal, I felt the same way and I'm sure thousands of other Mom's have as well. I know what you mean about looking into your first child's eyes and not comprehending how you can duplicate that, but trust me, you can. Actually I feel closer to my second child, she is all mine, total Mama's girl. And our first (as close as we were when she was the only one) has turned into a total Daddy's girl. My husband loves it. When our first was still an only I use to have to do everything; feed her, rock her, get up with her in the middle of the night, etc. Now she wants Daddy to do it all. It makes my husband feel so good to know she wants him now, I mean his face lights right up. Finally our "baby" wants him to help her. I love seeing them bond. My grandmother had 9 children and she said she loved each and everyone of them the same. It is possible! Go ahead, have a couple more, you will love all of them.

C. R

It's not stupid. I have two children - a 4 1/2 yer old son and a 6month old little girl and before I had her I wondered how I would EVER love another child the way I love my son, because as far as I was concerned - he was the love of my life. After having her, everything changed. The only way I could explain it is that just when you think that you can't love anything more, your heart grows and expands and finds the room to love someone else just as much. It is really amazing. I have my own little moments with each of them, but I am just as much in awe and in love with her as I was my son. And by the way - my son adores her! We include him in a lot of what we do with her and he loves it. You will see - you can love the both of them, maybe not the same, but just as much as the other.

I only have a minute, but I wanted to reassure you. Every child is unique and special in their own way. You WILL love each child for their individuality. You will always feel a different love for each child (as they are different), but it will be an equal love. I have two daughters (ages 4 and 20 mo.), and 4 weeks away from delivering our third daughter. I can tell you from experience that the instant love you will feel for your second child will be over-powering. Maybe you can not foresee it because you have not made a connection with your second (seeing as you are not pregnant yet), but the 9 months of pregnancy and bonding will change everything, and by the time your second arrives you will be head-over-heels in love. I have no doubts that my love for our third daughter will be just as powerful as my first two. Yes it will be different, because like I said, she is a different person, and essentially I am a different person since the births of my first two as well.

I hope this all makes sense to you, and I hope this reassures you at least a little. Your concerns are natural. Yes you will always have a special bond with your first daughter, and then a separate special bond with your second, and third, and so on.

Good luck!