My brother-in-law recently became engaged. We expected that my husband and my daughter would be asked to be in the wedding party. However, it turns out that they are leaning toward a HUGE wedding, and my son and I have also been asked to be in the wedding. Of course, we said yes because we'd all be honored. Now we're discovering that the bride has pretty high expectations for the event. I realize that my husband and I had a very low key affair and the bride has a different idea. Fine, but paying for a hotel and outfits for four people is pricey, and her ideas will not fit our family budget. My friend has a nice black suit that my son can wear. The bride expects us to rent a tux for him. Same goes for my daughter; we are expected to buy a very expensive dress for her. Since we are all in the wedding, we can't afford to spend over $100 on a flower girl dress. I am, however, willing to find a very nice dress that coordinates with the wedding party. How should I handle this? Should I mention that we have this suit available for my son? Should I bring up the money involved for our family first? And what if she refuses to change her expectations? Do we pull out? Some of us? All of us? I really don't want to cause a family controversy, but we just can't afford whatever the bride would like us to.
Thanks for the suggestions so far!
I should clarify that we had no reason to believe that being in the wedding would be as expensive as it is turning out to be. My brother-in-law is a reasonable person, and although we don't know the fiance that well, she appeared to be, always looking for ways to save money. Before the engagement (which was not a surprise), my brother-in-law had talked about wearing black suits so we did not think that my husband would need to rent a tux. Also, I've never been in a wedding in which I did not have some say in the cost of the dress either at the bridal store or picking out my own. Maybe my friends and family are weird, but that has been my experience. I've also never been expected to buy certain shoes, have my hair done a certain way, etc. My cousin did have her bridesmaids wear the same jewelry, but she bought it for us as our wedding gift and there was no additional cost. We expected the cost to us to be maybe a few hundred dollars, quite a different amount than $1,000 or more.
We've already bowed out of the bachelor/bachelorette parties as they have been scheduled as destination events. (Don't get me started on this trend that asks WAY too much of wedding attendants. My husband has had to decline one in the past as well.)
For those who have mentioned to just suck up the cost and bear it, how awesome for you that that is an option. Please remember that the average American family of four does not make that much money, and $1,000 is an awful lot of money over the course of several months. We are a bit more fortunate than "average," but we have a house payment and other financial obligations. I am not willing to risk my house or bankruptcy over a future family member's wedding. The integrity of my immediate family - me, my husband, and children - is more important than making sure the bride isn't offended.
We are planning on talking to my brother-in-law first since we both have a much closer relationship with him. Maybe we can work something out and maybe my in-laws can help a bit. But they are already helping some with the cost of the wedding, and, please note, that we are all from modest backgrounds, which is what makes the escalating costs so confounding. The bride comes from the same sort of background!
Also, black suits are fine for a formal wedding. We've had many friends use them instead of tuxs. They fit the attendants much better since no one ever looks too good in a baggy tux rental, and as long as they are all black, everyone looks just as formal as if they had rented tuxs.
I would just be honest with her. Tell her what you can do and let her know if that's not going to work, you won't be able to afford to participate. Make it clear that you're letting her know now so she has time to find others as replacements, if needed. Hopefully, she'll just agree to what you can do.
There's no reason to go broke to meet a bride's expensive expectations.
You need to think about this very carefully. It might be best to talk to her, and say the adults need to bow out of the wedding party, due to the expense, and that you are very very sorry. I would have the adults bow out, and not the kids because I think it's easier to replace adults, and also she might have something else you can do that won't cost (ie, do a reading) because it doesn't come with the expectation of a tux/particular dress. And leaving the kids in shows that you are still supportive of the wedding and want to be involved.
Also, I am already predicting that you will be writing back in a few months lamenting that you can't afford the bride's idea of a bridal shower/bachelorette party - which you pretty much have to contribute to if you are in the wedding party. If you bow out of the wedding party now, you won't have this expense later.
If Bridezilla wants you all to be in the wedding, then she needs to understand that she (or daddy) will be footing the bill for part of it. If you are not financially able to pay for it (and shouldn't, in my opnion), let them know and politely say that you look forward to attending but cannot be in the ceremony itself.
Be honest and tactful.
I do special events and have learned that you just need to be honest and give her a way out.
We are thrilled and honored to be asked to be part of your wedding, but we are on a tight budget.. With the hotel and travel expenses, we are just not going to be able to purchase and do the rentals.
I have some options, but please be honest if they are not what will work for you. We will understand and bow out.
Then tell her about the suit, which sounds perfect. And about searching for an option for your daughters dress.
Hopefully she will be fine, but if not, you all were honest with each other and can continue in the future to be just like a family with honesty.
IMHO, it's the bride's day so what she says goes. If you can't swing it financially, which is totally understandable, then you're going to need to let her know that you can do 1 of 3 things: none of you are in the wedding, some of you are in the wedding WITH her expectations, or she allows you to meet somewhere in the middle between her expectations & your limits.
Just tell her that you are honored, but you can't afford the tux rental, etc., and tell her what your options are. Then let her make a decision about what she wants to do. You are not obligated to go into debt for someone else's wedding.
Boy, so many great responses already and they all are very similar in nature. The only thing I can possibly add is to emphasize that you need to address this NOW. Do NOT wait and hem and haw about what to do or say.... get talking with her ASAP. No matter what the final outcome is, letting her in on the fact that this is an issue NOW allows for more time to figure out her options. (and they are HER options: to allow changes to the outfits she has in mind, to give those places of honor over to other(s), to offer to pay for all or some of the expense, etc).
This is what I would do:
Jane,
I really am honored that you want all of us to be in your wedding, however, we are on a pretty tight budget and this is getting a little too expensive for us. I have some ideas that will still allow us all to be in the wedding. However, I respect the fact that this is your wedding and you should be able to have what you want, so if that doesn't work for you then that's ok but me and my son/daughter will have to bow out. I am really sorry, I hate that it's worked out this way, but at this point I really have no other choice.
Brides way or the highway. If you cannot afford what she is asking you need to tell her now so she can make other plans. In other words get someone else. If you can only afford two then it is her choice which two of you it is and you accept the decision.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I am not understanding why people think they should be able to dictate someone else's wedding. You are not alone in this, there have been a fair few posts.
I personally paid for anything that someone could not afford but that is just me and I had the money to do it. The bride is not expected to pay for everyone's outfits nor is she expected to accept meh just because someone cannot afford it.
Every wedding I have been involved in or even was just a guest. The bride picked everything right down to the shoes and everyone paid. Who would want the pictures to look all hodge podge just to have extra people.
I can never understand why people accept the offer to be in the wedding and then far into it freak out about how much its going to cost. Well of course its going to cost a lot. That shouldn't be a surprise and it should be known from the beginning. If it were me, I would just be honest with them and say that this is costing more than you expected and you will be happy to have the kids participate but you and hubby will have to step out. (I think its easier to replace adults in weddings than kids). Then get whatever dress and tux she asks for the kids and next time find out the details of what will be expected before you committ to it. Good luck.
I would be honest and let them both know that financially you can't afford the prices thats being asked. You husband needs to be in it as he is the brother. Im sure once you point it out how expensive it is to have all 4 of you in it they will understand and hopefully help you out on some of the expenses. If a middle ground can't be reached then I would let them know it breaks your heart but you and one of the children can't be in it. Im only saying one of the kids because you had expected one of them would be in it... even though you thought your daughter maybe they can't find another ring bearer but could find another flower girl...
I would have your Hubby sit down with his brother and lay this all out. Than, if they still insist on the expensive stuff you can't afford, than pull everyone except hubby out of the wedding.
You already have some good ideas.
I would question whether a toddler, not yet two, would be practical for a ring bearer. A toddler could be in a bad mood for that day and completely change the tenor of the wedding.
Good luck to you and yours.
Talk to the brother n law and explain that its going to be too expensive. Ask if its ok if you bow out or substitute less expensive options. Print pictures of your possible subsitutions.
Be polite and gracious. You want the bride to have her perfect day! Depending on her age, background, and social circle, she may not have any idea that she has put you in an uncomfortable spot with the wedding costs. And its wonderful that she wanted to include you - she may have deliberated and then worried she would hurt your feelings by not asking.
Also, take a look on Craigslist and Ebay - you may find some of the clothes there barely used.
I would just be open and honest with her. Don't wait.
Have your husband run this by his brother to get a feel for how it might go over.
You were assuming that your husband and daughter would be in the wedding, I'm wondering if she incuded you and your son so as to be polite and not "leave you out".
If you can't afford for all of you to be in the wedding party, you simply can't afford it. It was very kind of her to include all of you, but you have a family and kids and a budget. You can't spend what you don't have.
The logical thing to me, since it's your husband's brother's wedding, is that your husband rent a tux and be in your brother's wedding party. You and the kids can attend looking lovely so you can be included in any family photos.
If she wants a ring bearer in a tux and a flower girl in a very expensive and certain dress, she likely won't changer her "vision" of attire for her wedding party. That's okay. It's also okay if you aren't in a position to afford that.
Last time my son and I were in a wedding, his little tux and shoes were $45 to rent. Being thrifty, it was kind of a bummer to spend that on something he'd only wear once, but at the rate he was growing, if I'd bought them outright, he likely would have only worn them once anyway. Depending on the style, the tux rentals might not be so bad. The largest expense is usually the dresses. And you'd be buying two.
I hope you get it worked out, but you need to bring it up right away.
Best wishes.
I would be honest with her. Keeping it to yourself and 'suck it up' will only lead to bitterness when the bills come later. See what she has in mind, then look on Ebay and craigslist for lower cost options. Then ask her if the lower option would be okay.
My SIL got married. A flower dress at the store was going to be $100. I found one on ebay that was similar for $35 and it matched her dress more closely than the store one.
I agree with everyone that you shouldn't do more than you can afford/are comfortable paying. I also think your husband should tell his brother the news, since they have the closest relationship. Make sure you write down what you can do (or what people can participate) and maybe offer to help in a non-uniform wearing roll (managing guest book signing?).
It's the bride/grooms prerogative to request that attendants dress how they (the couple) want, but it's up to you guys to accept or decline. Tell them NOW though. Don't wait.
PS I've bought dresses with matching shoes, but when someone wanted my hair done a certain way, I think they paid for it (or I did b/c it was my SIL and my parents were paying for it). You do have a right to say "I can't afford this". Be strong!!!
I would be honest with BIL (your husband's brother?) and say that you are all very honored, but the prices quoted aren't what you can afford, so where can you meet in the middle?
I don't know if this helps at all and I didn't read all the responses, but here's my two cents!
My husband and I got married in Feb. 2007. He has two children- a boy and girl. All four of us were in the wedding obviously! :) Anyway, if I remember correctly his son's tux was either free or reduced in price to rent because we had at least four other men in tuxes. The groom's was free I think.
We lucked out and found my dress at David's Bridal in the clearance/sale section. We were fortunate to find the daughter's flower girl dress that matched my dress for only $60. Of course my MIL was kind enough to pay for that.
Like the other posters, I'm assuming this wedding is quite a distance off, so I'd try to figure out a way to talk about the cost of the wedding. Maybe start out just talking about expenses in general and then get a bit more specific.
I assume the wedding isn't within the next month - that it's far enough away that the bride can find people to replace you.
In any case, do not ask the bride-to-be to change her expectations. That would be unlovely on *your* part. Say that although your family was excited to be in this wedding party, the cost of it is now way over your head and your budget. That's an acceptable reason to bow out. Make your message short and sweet, and don't add any personal comments other than, "I hope the wedding festivities will go well."
If relatives are upset by this, perhaps some of them would be willing to finance the costumes and the other surprising expenses.
And please don't take all this personally. It seems as if many brides are encouraged to feel that they *own* that day and everyone involved in it, and that they are perfectly entitled to make any and all demands. I hope that trend will fade away soon.
Tell her you simply cannot afford the flower girl dress and the other things on top of hotel and travel. Tell her you can still find a pretty flower girl dress in her colors that you can afford. Many tux rental places offer discounts for wedding parties or more than one person. If she takes issue, I would try and rent the tux and let the husband be in the party since it is his brother, but I wouldn't sacrifice money to outfit everyone else.
Did you know that the future SIL had expensive taste prior to this engagement? If so you were forwarned. However, if she decided to do all this "stuff" after the engagement then I feel I would have a talk with her and let her know what you can afford. Otherwise you are out of the wedding party. No need to go broke just to celebrate a new member to the family. Marriages are forever and a wedding does not make a marriage.
Good luck and enjoy the ceremony.
The other S.
PS She is thinking of the Bridezilla affairs or something similar. Not everyone can "afford" those weddings and you usually only wear the dress one or two times at most anyway.
Just be honest and open about what you can/cannot afford. She is probably so wrapped up in planning her big day, she hasn't stopped to be rational. Hopefully once you talk to her, she will understand and either let you go with the borrowed suit and a cheaper dress for your daughter. As for you and your husband, I wouldn't push her on the prices of those outfits. You have more leverage with the kids as they don't have to be matchy matchy. Sometimes tux rental places will throw an extra tux in for free when there is a big party - maybe it could be your son's. Just a thought!
The sooner you level with them, the better.
Tell them what you can and cannot "do" and let them decide from there!
It will be WAY worse the longer you wait.
Good luck!
It is typical to rent a tux for the males in the wedding party. It is also typical for the girls/women to have to purchase dresses. I would have thought if money was an issue, you should have discussed prior to agreeing. Talk to them sooner rather than later to see what can be worked out.
I would just explain that you are on a tight budget, and can only spend x amount on wedding outfits for wedding party. And you are willing to help look for coordinating flower girl dresses that fit within your budget, and mention that your friend has a black suit your son can wear.
Having the conversation gives you a chance to see if she will meet you half-way (or not); and gives you a chance to bow out if needed, apologizing for the inconvenience. Better to bring up this stuff now than later!
There is sort of an unwritten expectation when you agree to be part of a wedding ... you go with what she wants.
Having said that, I do think you should talk with her about your children's attire. Let her know what you can afford for them and ask her politely to keep that in mind when she is selecting their outfits. If you have a total of $100 to spend on both (not unreasonable), then that's the budget. If she wants to spend the whole thing on your daughter, then you borrow the suit. If she wants your son in the tux, then she needs to reign it in on your daughter's dress.
She may want your daughter in white or she may want her to coordinate. Either way, that's really up to her. You can tactfully mention the buget to her and then go from there. Have you actually seen the dress for her yet? If so, see if you can find something VERY similar and show it to her.
If she flat-out refuses to budge, then you are kind of stuck. Having said that, she's marrying into your family and it only benefits her to be somewhat accommodating to you and her other future in-laws!
Sorry, but you just can't do a black suit for a formal wedding. Even for a little guy. Start saving now as if you were saving for a special vacation. Three years ago my SIL got married and my family of 4 was all in the wedding. Between wedding shower, bachelor party, bachelorette party, 3 tuxes, a dress that was ordered in a wrong size and needed emergency material shipped in, and wedding gifts ~ our grand total was over $4k. This was all in the midst of us completing a very costly international adoption, and it was a major struggle. But, we pinched pennies to make it happen. Do not ruin your relationship with the bride by asking to do things your way. Perhaps you can ask your in-laws to spot you the money until you can pay them back.
I would just figure out a way to cut costs on other things and save up for these expenses. Why cause a riff or ill feelings over $1000.....she is goign to be your SIL forever. Wedding is likely many months out so you can cut other corners to save $.
