Family's Well-being

ADDED after you deleted and added that your husband "wants to spend more time with the kids" -- RED FLAG! He will be home with you and your kids all the time? Under your feet? He is going to try to control what you and they do, and you will not even have the brief respite of his being at work for a few hours each day. He is sick and your kids don't need to have him around all day trying to be controlling and judging them and especially judging you in front of them. Run. Now.

Original reply:
Your children won't have an "intact family" when their mother is dead.

You will be dead if he kills you when he's in a paranoid delusion, or if he kills you more slowly with AIDS or another disease.

It's time to give up on your own delusion -- the delusion that your family somehow IS "intact" at this time, and has been intact at any time in the past few years. It never was, and it isn't now.

You are placing your children at risk of repeating your husband's lifestyle; of being depressed, as you are; at being paranoid and narcissistic as he is; of being physically harmed or worse by a father who clearly is very ill.

You owe him NOTHING at this point. You are focused on gaining enough financial stability to get out You MUST forget that for now and simply take your children and leave when he is not around. Do not try to tell him or threaten him with leaving or work it out or be civilized or amicable about it. This is a situation where you must flee him as you would flee any danger -- immediately and swiftly. Why can't you see that?

You say you have talked to lawyers and psychologists. Now it's the day to get to an abused women's shelter and see their staff to ask them for help to make your escape plan. You need to get money; you need to pack up and hide the bags; and you need to grab your own kids before he does. Shelter staff have seen this all before and can help you make the plan and get to a safe location where no one will tell him where you are.

Then you will need a lawyer to sue for full custody of your children based on his mental illness, infidelities, fact he intentionally endangered you with STDs, etc. He is going to fight you and use the fact he makes the income to do that. Why is he going to leave his job soon? What is that about? Can you document that he is planning to quit for no reason and without another job to go to, to provide for his children?

Shelter staff. Good attorney with EXPERIENCE in helping moms who are fleeing abusive husbands (shelter staff can help you find such an attorney). Yes, attorneys cost money; ask for a payment plan over time; get help from family to pay or anyone who'll give it. And it sounds like you should be ready to involve police and get a protective order if he comes after you -- keep that idea in your mind because a paranoid delusional man is likely to pursue you.

Later, once you and your kids are safe, then you need to get to a psychiatrist to find out why you want to save a marriage that does not exist and has not existed for years. You cannot save what is not there. Save your children instead. If you stay with him just to build up some financial stability, all that time your kids are learning that mommy thinks it's OK to live this way and daddy is what normal daddies are like. They will repeat that knowledge as adults and live just like you're living now. Do you want that?
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hmmm,lets see, husband having mental problems and refuses to address them..he wants to quit work altogether and you are not working..time for a reality check..you got family or friends you can stay with for a few months? dont put off flying the coop, your husband is spying on you because he is paranoid with delusions and convinced himself that you are the cause !! ie, he is a NUTJOB!! get out while you still can, he is beyond help at this point . heres a clue, he wants to quit work so he can spend all day watching YOU,anytime a person has convinced themselves that you have done something or gone somewhere and you have been right there with them during the time that they have convinced themselves you were somewhere else..its time to leave. there are many paths thru hell, my child..dont take the long way around..leave now while you still can. K. h.

I agree that you need to pack up and go and not try to make harmony with this man. Focus on yourself and your kids and get therapy to find out why you put up with this for so long.

I also caution you that if he's been spying, he will find this and this is not a private message board. This is one time where I encourage you to delete the post if you don't want it passed on, as the powers that be here will take our posts and put them on FaceBook.

I'm sorry, you cannot keep your family healthy and happy. It is not. You want to keep your kids in an "intact" marriage, but it is not. Their emotional and financial wellbeing is at risk.

I don't know why you think you have to stay in this situation because of social security or other benefits. There's nothing magical about 10 years as far as I know.

I am not sure why your husband is planning to quit his job but you are at risk if he does so.

Your husband abuses you in every way, threatening and terrorizing and cheating. He is probably mentally ill. That does not mean you should stay with him. He is not going to get better if you just make nice to him.

You are at risk for STDs. Asking him to just tell you before he cheats is giving him permission to do so. If you get sick, your children are without anyone able to protect them.

You need better counseling and better legal advice. I don't know why previous counselors didn't help. Perhaps your husband wouldn't go with you (fine, go without him) and perhaps they didn't tell you the answers you hoped to hear (stick it out, be loyal, he'll change). Perhaps you just didn't have the right person.

Now the situation sounds quite desperate to me. If you won't do this for yourself, do it for the kids. I don't know what you think they are gaining by living with an irrational, spendthrift, verbally abusive father who is jeopardizing their future by spending on cars and women and by quitting his job. They are seriously at risk. If you don't do something soon (and definitely get your ducks in a row to protect yourself and them), you may be accused of neglect by someone from outside the family such as a mandated reporter.

Call the National Domestic Violence hotline, ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist, and see an attorney about protecting yourself financially. You have not gotten good advice so far. You absolutely must choose better professionals to help you.

You could be describing my ex. He is my ex because he refused to address the mental issues. I have ADHD and I do not like to be judged by what is outside my control so I do not judge others by what is outside their control. Thing is I do everything within my powers to control myself so that others are not imposed on by my disorder. My ex believed the world should adapt to his insanity.

Still in the end he is my ex because I hit a point where I could no longer protect my children from the damaging effects of his mental issues.

What I am trying to say is you will hit that point, you will divorce, he will not change.

I would bet when you hit that point where you have had enough he apologizes, maybe even cries. Begs you to stay, says he will change, and he does for about a month, then he goes right back. By the way, that starts decreasing. By the time we divorced he was back to his old self in about two days. :(

The sad part is if they get help they would be fine but they just refuse to.

Yeah, the law does not protect the kids at all. Got to give him the benefit of the doubt ya know! He did the same I will change to the GAL. Even with our two older kids saying, he does that all the time and goes right back to being abusive they sided with my ex. He got 50/50. Now, eight years out, he finally lost custody.

Oh and yes, wait until you hit ten years before you file for divorce if that ends up being your choice.

By the way, why is he quitting work in a month?

Um looking at the other answers I disagree with the leave right now statements. It is worth it to hit the ten year mark, I can't remember all of it but there is a lot more at stake than just social security. I wouldn't sleep with him mind you. My ex had affairs but towards the end they became stupid and random and no way in hell I was getting some disease from him! Don't risk it, trust me he is too self centered to consider anything beyond this will make me feel good.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Your children are not reaping the benefits of an intact family. Your husband sounds mentally ill. You should not allow your children to be witness to all that you described. You should not be having sex with your husband - ever again. Do you want to contract AIDS or something else and leave your children motherless? Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to see the gravity of this situation. You do not have a marriage and unless your husband agrees to seek help, I think you're putting yourself and your children in a dangerous position daily. Seek legal help and your own counseling to deal with this and get out as soon as possible.

I don't understand why you deleted text.

He's mentally ill. It sounds like you need to go to counseling with him or without him. What's going to happen is you're going to work through your own feelings and gain knowledge about is mental health.

Then you're either going to find you can deal with his illness or you can't. One way or the other the issues will resolve themselves.

i really can't answer, because it seems that pertinent text has been deleted.
khairete
S.

Look up Dr Phil's wife, Robin and her Aspire App.

https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/#.U...

It's designed to give you the information you need to leave an abusive relationship, including shelters in your area and things to keep you safe. The most dangerous time for an abused family is right after leaving. Go somewhere safe!

This line jumped out at me!! " I would like to try to stay together for at least a couple of more years so that the kids can reap the benefits of an intact family."

From the outside looking in, there are no benefits for the kids to reap from staying with your husband. He has mental health issues that are beyond your reasoning with him. He needs serious help and you need to get you and your kids out, before he takes you down with him.

"Any suggestions on how to keep my family healthy and happy?" Again, from the outside looking in, your family is not healthy or happy. Call some family and get out asap!

In my opinion your statements from #4 through #9 can all be attributed to #3. He needs help!!

I am not totally sure what is going on here, but one more word of advice. Do not get pregnant at this time. For some reason I often hear these horror stories and then in an effort to be a complete happy family no matter what the monster, so many women also end up pregnant adding one more stressor. Since you deleted I am doing guess work. We are here to help you, but difficult with little information. So from my guess, the best I can say is get out yesterday. Good luck!

ETA: aaahhh you deleted or reworded your question. Wish you wouldn't have done that. More information will help us help you.

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What stressors? I can't answer the question when I don't have the specifics. This is sooo broad that not just any answer would work...

Please include your stressors and what you are looking for.