Extreme Shyness / Social Phobia in a Two-Year-Old

Hello M.,

I would talk to his dr and see what they say. I know it is hard on you as a parent and you just want the best for him. The dr maybe able to give you the advice that you need and tell you where to go from there.
Best of luck
J.

Hi M.
I wouldn't do a thing. He's so young, just let him grow into his own, in his own time. My almost 5 year old son was exactly the same way at your son's age, even early into his fourth year, but he has finally started to come out of it and play with other kids in his school. I always gently and consistently encouraged him to play but he never did, but I also never made a big deal out of it and just let him be. He'll be fine, don't worry so much...
BTW, teachers are all different--my son's teachers last year (when he was 3 1/2) told me the same advice I am telling you, and they were right!
Happy holidays!
Chris

M., I'm not expert. I have a 4 y.o, though, and have seen several of his classmates having more problems dealing with other children than with adults. For example I volunteered to help recently in his pre-school and the 2 girls that NEVER interact with the other kids took to me in a matter of minutes. Same thing happened with a extremely active boy (potential ADD)in that class. He hugs me now every time he sees me... but tends to ignore his classmates and do his own thing all the time.
They probably have a "label" for that kind of "Kid-Shy" behavior.To me, as long as a kid shows emotions, everything is fine. I was the Nanny of an autistic boy some years ago and I just couldn't cope with the lack of emotional response from him.It was just too hard.
I've also been teaching Spanish to homeschoolers. Some of them had also an initial problem with shyness when they were younger but overgrew it later on (they are all in regular school now). The trick is to keep exposing them to society in comfortable doses until they feel able to cope with it.
So, definitely, I would check with your Ped so he/she can give you some expert advice but I wouldn't worry too much, some kids are just observers, which is a great quality to have later in life.

I probably wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor or get him evaluated. But then again it could just be something he ourgrows in a few years. Is he improving since he started school? If he is continuing to get better at interacting with other children then don't make yourself crazy. Maybe try playdates with one other child (ask him who he wants to play with) at your home.
I was pretty shy as a child (my 2 year old son is, of course, the total opposite). I was never in preschool and sat in the corner for the first half of kindergarden (I was the youngest and smallest kid in the class). The teacher didn't seem to know what to do with me. At the time I thought some of the class activities were kind of silly and undignified (although I probably would have been able to put it into those words at the time) and only wanted to participate in the things that interested me. I did get sent to see the the school psychologist (who referred my parents for counsleing rather than me). I am not sure it helped me at the time, though I did choose counseling as a career later. Anyway, it is just my personality to sit back and observe before jumping into a new situation and it may be your son's as well. Being shy can be inconvient sometimes but I always had a best friend and a few close friends all the way through school. In some ways it may have been a help because I was much less influenced by peer pressure. Just appreciate your son for his good qualities and don't push him into social situations where he is extremely uncomfortable (push slowly and with a lot of support instead).

Dear M.,

First of all I am an owner and director of a childcare/preschool and if one of my teacher's assistants approached a mom with concerns without going through me first she would be severely reprimanded. In order to be a teacher's assistant you are not required to have any formal education, therefore how is she qualified to suggest or diagnose a problem? It is extremely unprofessional and can cause unnecessary stress on a parent without an educated evaluation. My teachers do not even discuss issues with parents without me present. Talking to parent's should be done very delicately and professionally. There are a few questions I have, has he been there long? And does he play with other kids outside of school, cousins, other friends etc. I have a little girl who has been attending my school since September who is the same age smart as a whip and has just stopped crying 2 weeks ago. She does not play with the kids and needs to carry a her teddy bear to feel secure. This week I approached her dad and asked him to leave the bear home so she will begin to play more since she is feeling more comfortable. Some children are very frightened by other children in a group daycare situation and do much better in a small group. It can be scary to have children pulling toys away from you or hitting you or pushing and pulling at you. Not all kids are comfortable right away and need time to adjust. Some kids are observers and will only approach when not feeling threatened. Some children can be very aggressive and it can be overwhelming to quiet kids. As you said yourself he has great love from mom, dad, grandma but they are all adults. It's not like he has brothers and sisters, around him at all time so he can get used to playing with others children. There are no test for being shy, he just needs more exposure in a smaller group situation so he can overcome his anxiety. I also had a young girl once that was your son's age and we had to keep her in the highchair or stroller to keep her from crying she was so terrified of the other kids. Gradually I would sit with her on the floor little by little and let the other kids gently come near her. She is now in my kindergarten class and was the star of our Christmas Show last night. My point is please don't take the information from someone who may be very nice but definitely over stepped her boundaries. Try to socialize him more with you present so he feels secure. Why don't you take him earlier one day and maybe stay and observe for yourself (are there observation windows where he can't see you?)or maybe when you bring him help him to approach a child and see how he reacts. Is the class size big or small? He may do better in a small class setting until he is used to all of the kids. I hope this helps. If you want to talk more please email me at ____@____.com I would be happy to talk with you. Have a great holiday!!

M.,

You may want to approach the center director with your concerns about your son, you need not relay that the TA made comments to you if you don't want to, since you say that you like her and she is good to your son. It would just be to get the opinion of someone with more childcare experience/education.

I was wondering if he has any cousins his age that he is comfortable playing with? My middle dtr was very shy between the ages of 2-4. She was in a preschool class at the age of 3 and did not interact with anyone until almost the end of the year, like you, we were worried about her social development. Then by 4 she was much better. What helped is that she had cousins near her age to play with.

I'm not sure what the TA meant by "tone" but I know that my dtrs preschool (age 4)teacher (she was certified) and later her kindergarten teacher had remarked that she could not hop on one foot or skip like other kids her age, well she learned it all by the age of 6. She was slower with her motor skills but was reading by the time she was in kindergarten, our pedi feels that if kids excel in one area they may be slower in another area and often it will even out within a year or 2. However, one of nieces has sensory integration disorder, she has low tone and is unable to integrate input from her senses all at once. The early intervention from PT, OT and speech have helped her wonderfully in the physical and social realms, but her problems were obvious by age 5 mo.

That's not to say that you should not consult your pedi and see if you could have a birth to 3 evaluation. It may ease your mind and give you some valuable suggestions.

I also have a niece that has social anxiety, she's been in therapy since age 6 and she's now 11. It's not to be confused with shyness, she is very social, but gets anxious that she might not be pleasing someone or doing something right. Although other kids with social anxiety can be so afraid (not shy) that they don't want to socialize within groups at all.

Can he tell you anything that he likes/dislikes about school? You might be able to help just by opening up some conversation with him too - there could be some things that he doesn't like that he could tell you and you may be able to work on it with the school.

Good luck, I hope things work out for him.

It actually sounds like your son is doing just fine for him. He has been progressing at his own speed, slowly warming up to an overwhelming, still fairly new situation in his life. I'm sure he is doing just fine for him. He's only two. He is a shy two, and could remain shy for a while. I remember being just like how you discribed, that at the age of five! I remember acting like that in kindergarten. I was shy and took a long time to warm up to other kids, even though I'm from a family of 7 kids. I grew out of it, but even now, I'm not shy with one on one, but enter a room full of people, even people I know and love...... and I still feel just a bit overwhelmed and shy. I think it's very human to feel that way. He will outgrow it. Just because he is shy does NOT mean that he is not developmentally where he should be for his age. I'm sure he is a very bright boy who just quietly takes it all in. Nothing wrong with that. He is who he is..... a smart, quiet child. Just keep doing what you are doing at home with all the love and attention from Mom, Dad and Grandma. He is thriving in his own way. Best wishes. Love, D. N.

Hi M.-
What happened to the days when children could just be shy without there being so much speculation. Do you see a problem with your son's behavior? Your son is two years old. He's probably only been in school since September. It takes some time to adjust. Is he usually around alot of other children when he's not in school? Is he an only child? Does he have any speech problems? Does the teacher encourage him to play with the other children? Did he have any separation anxiety on his first day of school?
If you feel there may be a problem, you can call Early Intervention and have him evaluated.
Hope this helps-
K.

I am not sure but it does sound like you are on the right track with getting him evaluated, I would call your pediatrician I am sure she can get you on the right track. Good Luck :).

Hi M.,
If I were you I would be very glad that the teacher was so pro-active about this situation. There is something that is called selective mutism. I am not saying this is what your son has - its a social anxiety phobia - where the child is "normal" socially in comfortable situations - but in places where he is expected to perform he would selectively not interact or speak. Its as though they are frozen - and its really not so much of a choice - they really just cant. Early evaluation and intervention is key to this. My daughter has this - she doesnt have it as much as some kids...but the pre-school didnt say anything to me and since she was always outgoing, noisy, fun etc at home...I never thought much about it until - she stopped talking much with my mother in law and I saw that after she pressured her all the time...She has had some therapy and its helped..She needs more and we will be going back. BUT - get him evaluated and see if it something he will just grow out of or if this could be it. Usually this is something that is genetic and so the child would have a parent that possibly had shyness issues as a child as well. If this is it..there are foundations and alot of support out there. Good Luck.

Hey there,

I have three older children 12-18 and I didn't send them to pre-school BUT, I know I was a little more obsessive with the first one because it's all so new.

This may sound stupid, but why don't you ask your son if he is happy and if he likes preschool? Kids will usually tell you the truth when they are young because they are uninhibited for the most part. Ask him nochalantly. And ask if there are any kids he really likes. Don't as more than a few questions and then drop it. See what happens.

All kids are different. Maybe he likes to be a watcher? Is that wrong? They all develop on their own schedule. My last one was 4 before I could even think about potty training him. Maybe he is just smarter and is observing it all before he gets involved!

As long as he is happy what does it matter? And the way some kids act it could be a blessing. He won't pick up any negatives! Most of the kids that have come over my house I would never want back over they are so ill-mannered and wild. And there are a few I consider my "other children". Honestly, there are less of them though.

Your son is young, and I know you love him so and want everything to be fantastic for him.....but who says it isn't?

Relax and let him do his thing. As for the muscle tone, next check up just ask the doctor what he thinks. Protein is fantastic so just give him more protein if you think the gal who mentioned it is right.

Relax, love him, and let him be him, and you enjoy his own little personality.

But if you get the feeling that maybe there is more to it then there is pleanty of advise in the other posts to follow too. Just don't drive yourself crazy over it. Children are so much more resiliant than adults. And if he did need an evaluation you'll do it. Just thank God that your son has parents who love him so much that they will do anything it takes to love and help him. Isn't that great in itself?

Hi M.,
YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY get him evaluated and what you're having her evaluated for is simply lack of socialization. My niece was JUST like your son. She was painfully shy and actually, had NO INTEREST in being with other children, and was very uncomfortable with adults. She would see me one day, and then two hours later almost forget/not care who I was. It was very bizarre and made us all concerned. So she was evaluated, placed in a special school for a few hours a week for socialization and she became A NEW CHILD. I can't believe it's the same girl, actually. She was always lovely, but absolutely unsocialized and now she is the friendliest and most outgoing little creature! I think the most important thing, though is that SHE is SO MUCH happier. I mean SUPER HAPPY HAPPIER. It might be nothing, right, but better to know then not!

I wouldn't hesitate, M. and get your son some help! The professionals you take him too will know how to categorize him and get him help. Let them guide you. Just Think about how happy he'll be when he feels comfortable enough to run and play with his peers! I hope that helps!

Dear M.,
You got a lot of good advice here. It sounds as if you did the right thing all ready. First, you have your shy son enrolled in a school so he can meet and potentially play with other children. Secondly, you think there might be a problem and are looking for help. I think your son still has lots of time to develop before any problem with him could be apparent, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with early intervention as long as it doesn't freak him out. My daughter also two yrs. old is the same way. I have never left her anywhere without me so I cannot say that she is going through the same thing as your son. He could be very attached to you and when you leave, he doesn't know who else to bond to. I think it is wonderful, despite the fact that the T.A. overstepped her bounds, that she bonds with your son. Just keep in mind that your son isn't like the other children and that makes him unique. Shy and quiet doesn't mean impaired, you could have a budding genious in your hands. My daughter seems anti-social at times. She hates when the other kids get in her face, play with the toys she's playing with, and pushes her around. But through engaging her with the other kids, she is learning how to deal with her feelings and with the other children, something that your son might know how to do yet, but will learn in time. Please, do not be discouraged about your son, he is still is very young. Two is a very selfish age for children they do not have the ability to understand other children's feelings yet. My regards and best wishes, R.

If you have concerns call to have him evaluated. Share your specific concerns and they will advise you on what to have him tested for. It might be nothing at all but at least you will ease your own mind. ANd remember EVERY child is different. It may just be taking him longer to adjust. Best of luck!!!

Call your local county, and find out what their Early Intervention (EI) policy is. They will do the evaluation. Mention what you mentioned here (including the low tone) and they will then do a comprehensive eval. I had one done for my son (born 7 weeks early) and he passed the first time (at almost 9 months of age, 6 months adjusted) but "failed" the second time (at 1 year of age, or 10 months adjusted) and was in EI until he placed out in August. (He is now in CPSE through the school district.)

Hi M., I am sure you are concerned, we all want our children to be social and outgoing. You could check with early intervention but I think he is just shy. It may just take him longer to warm up. Nothing wrong with a person who is cautious. You say he is hilarious....just love him. He will grow up so fast. Grandma Mary

Hi M.,

You have gotten some wonderful, loving responses already, and you should take all of them to heart. I agree with most of what has been said, but disagree a bit with others.

Our son, who is turning four this week, sounds just like yours. We too were initially concerned by his lack of peer involvement, made painfully obvious when we saw him on the playground at preschool. His pediatrician had no concerns himself; he thought that J. was probably just shy.

At three and a half we decided to have our son evaluated. He was found to have low muscle tone, poor eye contact, and a few other "symptoms" which led to a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. I'm still not 100% convinced that this is the correct diagnosis, but it has led to some wonderful things already...

Whether or not our son (or yours) has any definable "syndrome" or is simply shy, I cannot imagine what harm there would be in learning more about your precious child and finding ways to help him navigate his world more comfortably. We have found a social skills group for our child to help him learn some of the basics of social interaction, things most kids pick up naturally but which our child does not. My husband wrote and recorded a song for him about making eye contact when you talk to someone, and J. loves it! He watches the video every day and is getting better with that particular skill.

My point is simply, extra help for your son cannot hurt him. Good, constructive advice/therapy/help will only benefit him, no matter what his specific "issues" are. Why not look into it?

As for the "how to do it" part...we simply contacted the Hackensack Institute for Child Development and told them that we wanted an evaluation. We met with a Developmental Pediatrician for an hour and a half, who then gave us his opinion of Asperger's. Like your child, ours is very verbal and friendly and personable in his own home. He loves adult company and is very close with one of his teachers. And like I said before, whether he HAS something, or simply IS someone a bit different from the norm, it doesn't matter. We love him deeply, as I'm sure you do your own son, and want to give him whatever tools he needs in order to be successful and happy.

If you have other questions or want to talk about our children, please feel free to write to me directly. I'll be happy to share our experiences with you.

:),

T.

Hi, M.:
It seems like you've gotten some good advice regarding your son's shyness--and he is only two, and in a very new and challenging environment--who can blame him!

My son, who's now 6, spent his first year of Pre-school playing on his own, but always watching what the others were doing.
He's now about the most sociable little guy ever. He came to it when he was ready.

However, you should definitely consider having your child evaluated if his shyness seems more phobic, and if you feel there's any validity to the assistant's concern over low muscle tone. My son was diagnosed with low muscle tone by his pediatrician at maybe age 12 months. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard and chalked it up to yet another NYC doctor who thought every kid needed to be in therapy for something.
Well, dang it all, she was right. The reason I bring it up is because his low muscle tone seemingly has impacted everything else: his ability to sit "properly" in school; his fine motor skills (impacts writing and those all-important Lego building sessions); his athletic ability (balance problems, among other things); his ability to really focus, which is hard when you can't control your body well; and even toilet training. It also, according to a therapist, impacted his ability to socialize.
I'm not sure where your son hit milestones, but, for example, mine didn't crawl until 13 months, nor walk until 18 months.
Through his school, he's has been in an OT (occupational therapy) program since age 2. He was evaluated at 18 months by the city's "Early Intervention" program, arranged by our pediatrician; then by someone up here in CT (we moved) at around age 5. Both felt OT would be helpful to him early on, and we believe it has been.
This is NOT to worry you unduly. He loves OT--it's actually really fun for him--and it's helped him with seemingly small things like his handwriting skills (that matter as he gets older), and with his physical confidence; thus his social confidence, as well.
So, this shy, sweet child has emerged as a confident, popular, hilarious 6-year-old, who's beginning to read and write, and play soccer. He comes to things perhaps *slightly* later than some of his peers, but he gets there, and he's learning ways to compensate for his slight physical control issues.

I only bring all this up because of your comment about muscle tone. I would raise it with your pediatrician, and perhaps ask the head teacher if she, in her experience, feels this might be an issue.

Best of luck with your sweet, shy, hilarious boy!

T.

Why are you upset that your son is shy? Its his personality. you can encourage him to join other kids, but if hes happy playing alone theres nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you can make friends with one of the other mothers and arrange a play date. Just one kid at a time. But dont worry, not all people are comfortable in crowds and strange places. Its OK. If he were extremely outgoing and went up to everyone he met wanting to play or talk with them, you wouldnt find that odd, because we all want our kids to be friendly and outgoing, but all kids are different and we should be happy with our child's distinct personality as long as they are happy. Personally I would worry about the very outgoing child, that they wouldnt be careful enough and go off with a stranger. But thats just me.

Dear M.,

Diane has some good advice.
I have been teaching for 12 years and have been running my own preschool for the last two. I have had children similar to your son. I have seen them excel at later dates. I have seen them continue to be shy, as that is their personality, and I have seen them turn into social butterflies.
My stepson used to be so shy in his younger years that he would chew his shirts until the whole shirt was soaked and his eyes were always lowered and he hid most days. He did not communicate with anyone... not adults, teachers, children. Eventually, he came out of his shell a bit then a bit more. He slowly started communicating first with his peers then the adults. He still, at 9, has a hard time with being shy. This is his personality. Now, he is a playful spritely wild boy with his family and friends and can be shy with adults that he doesn't see often. He usually stands back and observes other children playing before he joins and sometmes he waits to be asked, unless he knows them. To each their own. There is no 'problem' with being shy. Each child deserves to awaken into the world on their own schedule.

Your son is very young. I would not worry. I would have regular play dates with children from school and/or family. I would NOT have him evaluated at this point, unless you feel that it is absolutely necessary because the shyness is based in fear. I have seen children who are evaluated and taken to specialists have anxiety and fears presently and in the future. On the flip side, I have seen great strides made with early intervention. It is a very thin line and one that should be approached with caution and mindfulness. From what you wrote, I would just let your son unfold in his own time and in his own way and try to help by slowly transitioning playdates and interaction. Model how to be a friend and try to communicate well with him and those around you. Praise him when he does. This will help more than you realize.
My 20 month old goes to a playgroup where she says 'please' 'thank you' 'excuse me' and all of these polite sayings... parents were astounded (as she has been saying these things since before she could walk) and they asked HOW I got her to say those things. I told them that she was mimicking me, I model that behavior. When her dad or brother say polite words I give praise. I gave her the praise too. She now tells me good job when i say please. ha.

Good luck.