Ex and Child Care

I think the major issue here is who has custody. If you have custody then you make the rules and your ex should abide by them. If however he has joint custody then he has the rights to make certain decisions when your child is with him. As far as who picks him up from school that is between the school and the person who has custody. So if you husband again has custody or shares it with you he can specify a certain person to pick him up.

If on the other hand you ex has no custody and only visitation, then you have certain rights.

My only question to you would be why you care so much about the child care issue. His father has certain people in his life, and those people are a part of your childs life as well. If he had to work or chose to work it may be because he had so many bills that needed to paid and working was somehting he really needed to do. Should he give up his time with his son because he had obligations to meet financially as well. If he provided for him by having someone watch him, and they took care of him, why should it bother you so much?

Soemtimes mothers believe that the only people their children should be with during visitation is the father. Life is not perfect and when families are seperated we deal with the imperfections. If he was cared for, if he had a good time when dad was not working, why would you make a big deal out of it. If he had not worked and could not make his child support payments would you be upset with then as well?

Give him a break for trying to do the best he can, at least he did leave not him with strangers.

I have had to share custody of my son, who is 7, with my ex for about 6 years. We have joint custody. I actually just talked to a lawyer about these same issues I am having..(who is picking him up for school, who is taking care of him before and after school...etc.) Basically, whether or not he has any legal custody of the child is irrelevant. As soon as you yourself say yes he can stay with you for two weeks for Christmas break, he then has the right to let anyone watch him. Same thing with school, if you say he can pick him up, he then has the right to let anyone pick him up. I don't think it sounds right or fair for that matter, but that's what I was told. But if you turn it around, does he get to say who watches him when he is at your house and you are at work...etc. I think the legal system is majorly flawed when it comes to many things, esp custody. It's not whats best for the child, it's what a JUDGE thinks is fair for the parents.
Good luck.

I only wish I knew. I totally understand how you feel. I am a barracuda when it comes to my kids. I wouldn't even let good friends I've known for many, MANY years spend time alone with my kids. I definitely feel I NEED to be the one to decide these things. I may be a control freak. But my girls managed to get to 18 without being molested which is something I didn't get to do as a child.

I remember so many times being left in places that I was scared in, unhappy and couldn't wait to get home. And yet my own home life was not good either. But kids are very sensitive to changes and differences. This is why I hate it when I meet new daycare parents and find out their kids have been in multiple caregivers homes in such short period of times...sorry another rant.

Anyway, our world does not seem to understand or care about these issues. Just read the responses here! Judges feel this way too so often.

Maybe the best bet would be for you to try and develop a good working relationship with the people that are watching your son. Also, try and make a time you can call to check on him each day. You have all kinds of rights. I just don't know how you are to exert them in this situation!

Suzi

I don't know where you are, my brother was divorced in MO. He is the custodial parent, their mom gets them at christmas and 6 weeks during the summer, and since she has to work during those 6 weeks, my brother gets to approve the daycare she chooses. I don't think that there is much of a problem with your ex's girl friend watching your son, but there is a problem with someone you don't, haven't met, don't know about watching your son. I would certainly contact an attorney, and mention to your ex that you would like to KNOW anyone watching your son, and could he pretty please let you two get to know each other and you tell her about some important things about taking care of your son (pretense of favorite games, etc.). As far as the picking up from school, again contact an attorney, but I think that the others are right, it is within your right to say who can pick him up, but you do need to be reasonable (and it sounds like you are).

K.

Been there, done that. Isn't it such a helpless feeling to not have any control over the safety of your child?? I've learned from experience, the harder you push, the more the ex will try and rebel. As far as who watches him while he is in the custody of your ex, you don't have a whole lot of legal stance. When it is his scheduled visitation, he does not have to (legally) ask your permission in regards to who he leaves your child with. However, if he is not going to respect your wishes and listen to your concerns, I would limit his visitation to only those days the court provided him with and do not allow any extras. As far as who picks him up from school, you do have absolute control over that. Inform the school that only the specified people may pick up your son. The only way your ex can override that is if he picks him up himself (the school cannot prevent a parent from picking up their child). The school is obligated to follow your wishes, especially if you provide paperwork that states you are the primary custodian, then any and all changes in the pick up routine MUST be cleared by you.

First, you absolutely can go up to school and tell them that your child is not to be released to a particular person, especially if he or she has a DWI.
Second, you are entitled to know who is watching your child, and you can have some say in who that is, but that is all handled through the custody agreement and changes may need to be made in court. The courts won't usually make a parent stay home with a child if the parent shows that he needs to be at work. Is there some reason (besides her being your ex's new GF) that you don't want her watching your child? Also, most school districts allow for you to sign up for care during off times, but it does cost something. It's still pretty reasonable, and I think they take income into account. Good luck.

As far as who cares for your son while hes with his dad, Im sorry but I have no advice. But as far as the school letting random people pick up your son is very disturbing! I would have thrown a fit! I have heard from some people they only person that could pick the child up were the parents, or someone the parents give an ok to with proper identification! I would get on the phone with them asap. That shouldnt be tolerated! I hope it gets better!

I don't know about the legal rights of who is watching your son when he's not in your custody...I would think it would take some legal documentation and would probably be messy...I would suggest contacting your divorce attorney for that. In addition, I would certainly start a notebook of offenses (time, date and explanation of what happened) if you haven't already...documentation is always critical in these situations and having proof that you have been paying attention to these things shows your initiative and concern for your child.

As for the school, the school has an obligation to make sure your child is safely delivered to whomever you LIST on their paperwork as APPROVED for their pick up. If their name is NOT on the list, then they cannot release your child to them. You DEFINITELY need to get to the principal and the primary teacher ASAP and let them know this woman is positively NOT allowed to pick up your child under any circumstances. BTW- this is assuming that you have primary custody of your child and you will need to give the school a copy of the divorce papers indicating that...it will override any objections and confrontations that will invariably come from the father.

My brother went thru this at one time with his son, at least part of it. I know that my nephew couldn't be alone with anyone except my brother until he was around 8. It was fustrating to my brother, b/c my parents couldn't even watch him, my brother had to take off from work. I'm sure that it has to be said in the custody papers for that to happen with your son. As for picking him up from school...I think that it has to be put on the school records that only certain people can pick him up. I know we have a form to fill out that says who can pick up our kids and if that is to change then we have to add them to the records. I think you'd have to speak with the school about that. Good luck and God Bless.

It needs to be in your parenting plan before you can really do anything. I know in my parenting plan we have "First Right of Refusal" This means that if either parent can not be with the children when they have them, they need to ask the other parent if they want to watch them & not just find whomever they wish. Now when I refuse, then he can have whomever watch the children (of course within reason).

In regards to the picking up at school....I would contact the school, give them this person's name and let them know that he is NOT to be allowed to pick up your son under any circumstances. & if it takes telling the school why, then do so, as they can and will not want to be liable for putting your child in danger. If you do not have joint custody, then you can also tell them if dad calls in for someone to pick them up, that they need to call you for this to be OK.

Good Luck!

The truth is that no, you have no control over what your ex does with your son. That is one of the problems with divorce. It's hard, but there is no good solution. You should do what you can legally, but the best thing for your son is for you to accept your limitations and not constantly battle with his father.

I think you might need to talk to your lawyer.