Encouraging 8-Year-old to 'Join In' at School

I'm bribing my six year old and her, teacher thinks its brilliant:-)
One day a week I tell her I'll put a piece of candy in her, lunch box if she asks up to three kids to play...if all say no she eats the candy, anyway, if the first says, yes she doesn't have to ask anymore
Shes never had someone say no yet so I'm thinking, ashes, learning that its, all in her head
Although after she asks then and find out what they are playing she declines....little stinker found a loophole

I don't know that she's "playing the victim," it may just take some more readjustment of her thinking. I say this only because I was exactly like your daughter when I was younger. I figured if kids wanted to play with me, they would ask me. I didn't think I should have to ask to join. Looking back now, it was completely self-centered of me.

What "worked" for me was an adult telling me that friendships are about give and take, and that sometimes you have to be the one to give the invitation. Also, by NOT joining others, I wasn't allowing the gift of my friendship. Again, that sounds completely self-centered, but it helped me realize that *I* was also responsible in making friends/joining in.

A lot of times with kids, there's no "formal" invitation to anyone. You just join up and start doing. I think "asking" to join just creates awkwardness. If it comes down to it, maybe you can invite some of her classmates that she gets along with to a couple of play dates so she feels more comfortable including herself in their activities when they're at school.....

I would try to role play with her and see if that works. Make it funny, make it ridiculous, but get her to practice saying "can I jump rope too?" or "let's go on the swings!" and then what to say if someone says "no" or runs off.

Does she have the opportunity to have play dates outside of school? I have found that building and reinforcing friendships outside of the school day was the best way to make things go smoothly during the school day. It was harder when I was in an office 5 days a week because we had to carve out time on the weekends but it was worth it in the long run.

You need to work with her. How at approach others, how to ask to be included.

What are her interests? Our daughter loved art and books.

She and a group of girls started a book club at this age. Each girl got a month to pick a book the group would read.. Then they would get together to discuss the book and author etc...snacks were served. Not all of these girls had the same home room.

Our daughter took art classes outside of school, so she met up with other children this way.

Volunteering with other families also was a way we met other families.

We also attended game night at school. You put your name in a hat then pull names for different game tables.

The more practice she as, the easier it will be.

What does her teacher observe?

Not all kids are naturally good at this. I was probably a lot like your daughter, I had a hard time approaching kids who were already playing together too, and I tended to wait around to be asked (though I don't remember being particularly sad about it.)
What do the kids there play at recess? I know for the girls here jump ropes and hula hoops are huge at that age. If she gets a rope she can ask a few girls if they want to play. It takes at least three to play, and the rope gives her an excuse to approach others.
Having play dates outside of school helps too. The more time she spends with her classmates outside of school the more comfortable she'll be with them at school :)

I would try to arrange some play dates outside of school.

My daughter started a new school last year. She was in 1st grade. She was having a little bit of trouble adjusting as she is also a sensitive and a little bit of an introvert. Anyway, I scheduled more than one play dates with different children. I also notified her teacher and she worked on putting her next to some girls that I had heard my daughter talk about.

I can proudly say after some time and especially now this year my daughter is more comfortable with the other kids in her class. I even did a few play dates during the summer with a few different girls. She even willingly put on a gymnastic routine her and a few friends made up for an advisory class at school in front of the whole school.

You just need to give your daughter a little nudge...

Well... I have a daughter that is now 9.
She knows herself very well, and she is very self-assured and not a follower. She knows her own cues etc. There were times, presently and when younger, that she CHOSE to just hang out by herself at recess. No biggie for her. She has friends and gets along well with others and she is well liked. But if she just wanted to hang out by herself at recess or in the shade or just read her book, she did. If other kids asked her "Why are you just sitting here..." she told them "Because I want to." No biggie.
But the thing is, she doesn't take it personally, that all the other kids are playing and she isn't. Because she chose... to do that.
And she is not the type, that expects others to come to her.
So she is fine.
My daughter can be shy... but it is not an impediment to her socially.
She is self-reliant. And gauges others and herself, well.

TEACH your child, that every individual makes CHOICES. And how to speak up. Your child seems to be, self-conscious. And it makes her inert... socially. Plus you say she is sensitive. So she is probably just SO self-conscious about what others think about her.
And this makes her, inert.
And she plays negative phrases in her mind... ie: "No one likes me..." etc.
So if that is what she thinks, even if it is not true, she will convince herself of it. And that is what she is... doing.
Or maybe she just doesn't know how to interact or engage or just have fun... without being so self-conscious?

Is she in any extra curricular activities?
What are HER interests??? Does she have any friends?
Does she know, who she is? Can she be herself?
These are things to nurture.
Since Toddlerhood... I have always taught my kids to "be yourself.... everyone is different... but be yourself..." and they do have that awareness in them now at their ages of 6 and 9 and they know who they are.

Has your child always been this way? If she is an introvert... that is okay. Nothing is wrong with that... maybe she needs to learn that.
Extroversion does not make one kid better than the other.

Maybe the teacher could have her stay in with another little gal during recess and work on a "special project" together? Build some trust, rely on someone other than yourself-and have fun doing it...like painting a mural, or getting materials ready for a lesson-assisting the teacher, planning a fundraiser or a Halloween party, something to get her to engage with one of her peers???

I have an 8 year old daughter. We've been having the same experience you describe. My daughter is an only child, so I wondered if some of it has to do with not having siblings. She spends a lot of time with adults when not at school.

She is not shy and will approach kids she doesn't know, but I've noticed that as she gets older, she only does it if she gets a good vibe (e.g. a returned smile) from them. If she gets a 'look' (whether or not she interprets it correctly), she won't approach the other child. She is a very sensitive child... very kind/caring, very bubbly, etc. She doesn't seem to understand yet that not all kids are outgoing like she is and she shouldn't dismiss them because they aren't smiling and giggling, etc. like she does. She thinks they are mad or not interested in talking with her, which I told her is not always the case.

At school, she has a number of friends, but only one or two she considers "close friends." Her teachers have told us over the years that she gets along fabulously with all the kids in her class. When I mention my concerns about her being 'outside' the various circles, the teachers give me a funny look and say she is always playing with different groups of kids -- rarely sitting alone. It sounds like maybe she floats around among the various groups, and I think that's okay -- versus being tied to one group of kids. When I see her at school, she's always surrounded by other kids and seems happy. I thought maybe I was overreacting to her comments about feeling left out, but today while we were volunteering at an animal shelter, she asked if I saw the white dog in the playgroup and said that that is how she feels sometimes at school... being on the outside, wanting to join in with the other dogs, but the other dogs are ignoring the white dog. It broke my heart that she thought this from watching the dogs play. It came up randomly while sitting there watching the dogs.

Tonight I looked up meet up groups for only children and hope that might provide a way for her to get together with other kids outside of school... especially ones without siblings. I have thought about having kids over from school, but her closer friends live 40-50 minutes away, so it's a bit of a drive. Also my daughter has several autoimmune health issues and food allergies, so I do worry about how much some kids learn about her health issues in case they are used against her later at school so I'd rather she find friends outside of school to play with on the weekends. In a few years, if I remember correctly, there is a lot more girl bullying that starts to happen.

Good luck... I hope you find a solution that works for your daughter.