Don't Want to Hurt Her Feelings But... Grrrrrr.

Well, since she always says she's kidding, the next time she makes the comment, I would assume she's kidding and that it was meant as a rhetorical question and I would just ignore it. Same thing when she pouts about you not talking to her all night.

If you like her, learn to ignore the things you don't like. I wouldn't say anything to her because this IS her personality. You either deal with it or not but you can't and shouldn't try to change her. She is who she is.

She sounds really needy and insecure. That's not good in a person her age. Think about it: Does she really even have other friends besides you? If so does she treat them this same way? I would bet she doesn't have any close friends because she drives them away with this childish behavior and then thinks it all goes away if she says, "Just kidding."

I would sit down and ask myself what I originally liked about her enough to consider her a friend, and whether those qualities outweigh her neediness and insecurity.

Do you share interests? Is she funny? Smart? Do you have good conversations (that are not about her or her feelings that her sisters aren't paying attention, etc.) -- can you talk about the world outside her little domain and yours too? Does she do activities that you like as well?

Or is your socializiing limited, in reality, to just chatting about her and her issues; or other friends' issues; or just to partying that is about having drinks and not really sharing any interests or activites other than meals and drinks?

Because a lasting friendship needs shared values and interests, not just eating out and talking about....her.

If you and she really do share things that make her a friend and not a party/lunch acquaintance, then tell her next time she does this "you didn't invite me" routine: "You know, I really do like to spend time with you but I've noticed that often if I bring up something I've done with family or other friends, I feel like I'm just sharing my life with you by telling you about it, but you say what you just now said -- Why didn't you invite me? When you say that, I feel awkward and hurt. I like to see you but don't invite anyone but family to family events, and I'm sure you see other friends without me, and I'm happy to hear about that. I hope you can understand that I like our time together, but am puzzled about why you bring up feeling like I should have invited you. What's wrong?"

That final question puts the ball entirely in her court and she likely will splutter and say "Just kidding" or be embarrassed. (She should be.) But you need to nip this constant "pay attention to me" attitude. If you really do like her, tell her so clearly and tell her that you feel you can't SHARE things with her -- like what you did over the weekend -- because she will respond that you should have invited her too. Definitely wait for her to give you the opening with one of her "Why didn't you..." complaints, but be prepared mentally with your speech to use right then and there. If you can get her to see that she does this and it bothers you -- but you still like her -- it could change your friendship for the better.

If you evaluate your short friendship and find that she is not all that funny or smart or good to talk with, and you can't really share with her, and the relationship is based on going out in groups and just hanging, eating or drinking -- I'd keep distancing myself from her just as you're doing, because you're not friends, you're acquaintances, one of whom is too focused on being the center of attention.

I'd be tempted to say, "You know not everything is about you" or "I like to associate with a variety of people." Or "I'm not your cruise director." Or nothing at all. Why justify having fun with another subset of friends? If she complains about her sisters, maybe turn it around and ask what she's done for them lately. They seem like they have their own lives and she doesn't. It sounds like maybe she's jealous and doesn't give credit to what she has. Or, if you still want to remain friends, turn it around when she does this. "Why didn't you invite me?" could become, "Well, I saw that Jim and Diane had a barbecue and I wasn't invited. We're allowed to have our own lives."

People like this drive me nuts and I've downright ditched someone for taking her behavior to extremes. She could have all the friends and acquaintences in the world, but she couldn't stand for any of those people to have relationships with anyone other than her. It was the most juvenille thing I'd ever experienced and I just ended it quite abruptly after few of her very public tantrums.

I would continue to distance yourself. Do what you do. Don't be swayed by her tears because she likely uses them to manipulate people anyway.
Kind honesty will likely be met just the same as a harsh verbal zinger.

It's a big world with lots of people in it.
You have every right to mingle with as many as you choose.
You have every right to expand your own horizons and live your own life.

Just my opinion.

Here's what I think when I read your post. Either you are going to lose her as a friend because you just can't stand this mess anymore, OR you sit her down and ask her why she is so insecure. She will ask you what you mean. And then you gently tell her. Don't pull punches, but be kind.

She won't like it. Tell her that you know this, but the truth is, it's getting old and wearing on you.

She will either tell you where to stick it, or she will think about it and start acting differently. Quite frankly, I don't see where you lose here. It's either you walk away, or she walks away. OR you help her by telling her the truth and that saves your relationship.

Good luck,
Dawn

Next time she says, "why not me?" ask her what she means. Or just answer her--"Because I wanted to spend that time with Joan." "Because this is my tradition with my family." "Girl, I don't want to see you all the time like that. Now, what are you going to order?"

I would not work to hide anything from her. If she has the nerve to come out and ask why she was not invited to participate in something, then give her an answer that she might not love. As grown-ups we understand that we can't be at the center of every circle. Don't tip-toe around her just because she didn't get the memo. That will only perpetuate the madness.

This reminds me of my grandmother, and that's how I respond to her. I love her dearly and have a close relationship with her. I also tell her in no uncertain terms that I will not allow her issues to be my issues. Just on NYE she and my uncle came over. She was in the bathroom or something, and my uncle was standing in the kitchen with me. I took a few steps to the dining room and turned on the light to show him my new dining furniture. We were sitting there talking (we are very close, as well), and she walked in and said, "You weren't going ot show me?" Yeah, I don't play that game. I told her in a sweet voice not to end my year on a silly note. I've sat her down and told her that when she insists on inserting herself everywhere, she makes it very difficult to plan something special for her. I've told her that I don't believe in giving everybody the same thing the way that she does and I won't make everything accessible to her in the way that she seems to want. I don't expect her to change her old ways, but she's on notice. When she gets "out of line", I give her a look and sometimes even repeat the words. I also continue to put forth the effort to do special things for her.

Do what you want to do. Don't do what you don't want to do.

Make it a running joke. Start asking her what she did for the weekend, last night, tonight, today, what she's doing for the upcoming weekend, whatever. Put on the melodramatic actor face....big Puss In Boots/Anime eyes. "Awwww...and *I'm* not invited?"

When she goes to the bathroom. Or for coffee. Or into the other room.

"You didn't ask ME!" Or, "why wasn't I invited?" Anime eyes. Lip quiver.

Make sure you keep a silly, playful demeanor...but there's still an underlying seriousness there that she needs to pick up on.

Eventually she'll get the point and either stop, or ask you why you keep doing that...and then you can have a gentle, honest conversation with her about her juvenile behavior.

If she's a nice person at heart and you like her other than the neediness thing you'd be doing her a favor to talk to her being overly cautious to be kind.

My daughter has a guy friend who is overly insecure. He's 20, a successful college student, works a lot, pays his way in life, tall, good looking and really friendly. But he's very insecure - constantly trying to convince everyone that he's this professional level guy in his part-time job, advises people on things he's not ready to advise on, etc. Then I learned his family story and he lives with his mom, stepfather and 1/2 brother who is about 4. The family's world is all about the 4 year old - so this tall, adorable, hard working, successful 20 yr old son is ignored. He's an afterthought to his mother, and his stepfather hardly gives him any notice. He works part time for his bio-dad from time to time but only when his business is busy which is the only time the dada pays him any mind. He doesn't really get any attention from anyone - so he is starving for it from everyone else.

I would suggest that next time she asks you why she wasn't invited you say something like: "well SAlly, you know family events are just family events. I really enjoy your company but you know when you ask stuff like that you sound pretty insecure and I don't think that you have any reason to be". She may shut down, or begin to spill her life story. This lady needs to accomplish some things in her life and enjoy that feeling of accomplishment. Make a mental list of things she is good at, or positive personality traits - then tell her about them. Tell her you really wish you could be as _________- the way she is. or that you admire the way she can _________.

Friends should be friends and tell the truth in kindness instead of ignoring it and hoping she'll go be insecure with other people.

Stop telling her what you are doing that she's not invited to. If she asks what you did...you can say "hanging w/ family", "hanging w/ co-workers" without offering details.

Hi, F.:

First of all, don't take it personally that she is a spoiled "child."

Just tell her: I feel tense every time I see you.
If she asks you why, just tell her what you've written here.

If you don't tell her, you are gossiping about her and ruining her reputation.

Good luck.
D.