My friend and I have kids close in age and we frequently do things together. However, whenever she wants to have a mom's night out, she always wants her husband to baby-sit. (I am a single mom, so no dad in our picture.)
My issue is that her husband is, IMO, verbally and emotionally abusive to her kids. He is just nasty to them (when he is home, which is rarely), and I just do not want to leave my child in his care. She knows he is this way, and has told me that she feels like she has to protect her kids from his wrath. It's so bad, she is thinking about divorcing him.
When I can get my parents to watch my daughter, I am willing to go, and as much as I know my daughter would love the playtime with her friends, I just don't feel safe leaving her with him.
How can I handle this without hurting our friendship?
Thanks to all for your responses. Allowing him to watch my daughter was NEVER an option. My issue was how to handle it. This woman is a good friend to me - she lives in my neighborhood and our kids are the best of friends. We get each others' kids on the bus when one of us has an early meeting and take the kids when one of us needs some time to ourselves. So the relationship is really important to me.
While I know she has concerns about her husband, I also know that she probably thinks she is helping me by providing a sitter. In this instance, my mom does actually want my daughter (she is making her an Elsa dress and needs her for fittings), so it will work out.
But at some time, I might need to address it, and I want to do it in a respectful way.
"Thanks for the offer, Jane, but from what you've told me it seems like Jim already has a tough time dealing with his own kids. Adding more to the mix will only make it worse. I'll ask my parents to babysit, but if they can't, I'll catch the next Girls' Night Out."
I guess I don't know why this is so hard. When she says "Let's go out" and you say "I have to find a babysitter" and then she counters with "My husband will watch all the kids" you look at her and say "No thanks. You've admitted yourself that he's not nice to your kids. I'm not putting my kids through it."
If she gets mad, then YOU should not want to be friends with her.
You really need to change the way you look at this. Someone wanting your children to be treated the same way as hers is screwed up and you should NOT allow yourself to be part of her damaged world.
IMHO when you're a parent you have to be willing to hurt your own friendships to protect your kids. It doesn't sound like you're being nit-picky or unreasonable.
If she presses me I'd be honest. Her reaction will tell you something about her character. Otherwise I'd just pass it off as being busy (when Grandma is not available).
Get your own baby sitter and don't apologize for doing it.
You don't owe your friend any explanations.
If she has told you she feels she has to protect her kids from him, then why would it hurt for you to say you won't let him babysit for this reason? I'd just be honest. She already obviously knows he's a jerk. Why tip-toe around that?
Just say "My mom wants to spend time with kiddo, she misses him and asked me if she could watch kiddo".
Hire a baby sitter. Problem solved.
Tell her great. And then when your going say oh I don't need "X" to sit janie is going to her friends tonight. and leave it go. Don't say anything negative about her husband or it will hurt your friendship. but under no circumstances do you leave your little on with someone you don't trust.
ditto Queenofthecastle....perfect response and the truth!
A thought: Isn't it possible that she "always" wants her husband to babysit your kids, as well as her own, in hopes that if your kids are present, he might treat his own a little better? Just something that occurred to me. She may not even realize that that is her motivation but it might be. And it would speak volumes if she needs other kids to be buffers between her children and their father.
Always, always go with your gut. Your gut is telling you not to leave your children with this man, ever, period. Use what Queenofthecastle posted; it's direct. And if she is hurt enough by that to dump you as a friend-- how very sad for her, if she cannot hear the truths she has, herself, spoken repeated back to her by a good friend.
Hire a sitter and say that your sitter will take all the kids, yours and hers, so you and she can go out. If your parents are up to it, have them take all the kids. But if the only way this mom will go out is if her soon-to-be-ex babysits -- you need to tell her that you are not comfortable with that. And then you need to stick to it and not cave if she gets upset or angry or weepy or even if she sobs that she really really needs this "girls' time" away from hubby. If she needs it enough she will accept that your kids don't stay with her husband. Put the kids ahead of the friendship.
If she is a true friend she will understand.
I don't think that you really have to explain anything. If she asks, then tell her. She has already complained about the very thing that you fear...
