"Donations" - Chicago,IL

Whether it's called a gift or a donation, I do not see why it matters as long as it was appreciated. As for asking for donations to an adoption fund, I agree with you.

My thought is that it is completely tacky and innapropriate to do either. I have never heard of doing either actually. Maybe its a midwest thing.

Whats an NFP?

When I first started reading, I thought that she used the term 'donation' to be cute and quirky. Personally, I think $250 as a wedding gift is OVERLY generous.

I too know people that live on whims and just no that someone else will help pick up the tab. Irks me greatly.

Last time I checked it doesn't cost us to have sex but it cost a heck of a lot to adopt a child. Add to that most of the people that adopt have gone through every sort of fertility processes available so they are broke to start with.

When you consider everything they went through to get to that point I figure if one of my friends asked I would give. I consider myself lucky I could always get pregnant when I wanted to. Ya know those of us that can are pretty lucky.

i think getting upset over the word donation is ridiculous. NFP or not she thanked you for your money. As far as adoption fundraisers it is what it is. A lot of people have insurance so its not as much as adopting a child. If you dont believe in adoption fundraisers dont participate.

ETA: I get that you are a political liberal - however - I am using politics in this as it makes the most sense. Doesn't mean you have changed your political affiliation, means that IN THIS INSTANCE, you are the Conservative and she is the liberal.

ORIGINAL:

It took me a second to catch on to the NFP (Not For Profit).

In political terms - you are a Conservative and she is a Liberal. Sorry - but that's the way I see it. And yes, I have liberal friends - gasp! We have some great conversations!!

You take personal responsibility. She expects others to help her. You know this about her and accept it - that's why you are friends.

I would be offended if someone called my gift a donation. However, since this is the "new fad" - DONATING to their honeymoon - technically speaking she is right. You DONATED money for her honeymoon when you "contributed" to that particular website.

As to adoption fundraisers or honeymoon/wedding "donation" websites? I think they are wrong, tacky and just NOT what **I** would do. Like you - if I can't afford to do something - i don't do OR I sell something or do something to EARN THE MONEY to do what it is we want to do. and like you, I am generous with my friends as well!!

Don't even get me started on adoption fundraisers. Yes it's expensive, I'm an adoptive parent, but it's what you sign on for when you choose to adopt. I find it especially troublesome when a couple holds fundraisers when they are in the process of adopting an infant. Young mothers often relinquish due to financial circumstances, but then the adoptive family is holding a fundraiser? Give that money to the natural family and keep that baby with its family.

Donate: to make a gift, grant, or contribution of something; give; contribute

If a NFP (that you had sent money to) sent you a thank you card stating: "thank you for your generous GIFT" would you be thinking 'F U that wasn't a GIFT it was a DONATION! you don't deserve gifts, you are a NFP!"

Since it was a money--gift, rather than a physical "gift" like a blender, perhaps she thought the word donation sounded better, or classier, or maybe she just used it instead. Donation and Gift are basically interchangeable when the go towards a common goal or purpose- this purpose being her honeymoon. If you are unhappy about her asking for honeymoon money, you shouldn't have given her any! Next time, give her a blender for goodness sakes!

As far as would I ask for money to adopt a child.... eh, probably not. But when we go buy a house, you can bet I will be calling a few family members up on their offers to help us out with the down payment- but that is just how MY family works- we help each other. We pass it down. My grandparents were given help from their parents, my parents from them, and I will probably get help from mine, and then pass it further down the line. My friend usually don't DO "money" things with each other, but damn, those baby showers and bridesmaids dresses aren't exactly cheap! When I give gifts I don't care whether they are monetary or not- what matters to me is that I get them something they will really love, need, use--- not a POS to sit in the closet. I assume she had a fabulous honeymoon, and so be happy for her!

-M.

I agree is that your friend should have planned a honeymoon she could afford and that your gift to her was not a donation. However, comparing an adoption fundraiser to a "Honeymoon funraiser" is insulting to everyone who ever struggled to pay adoption fees.

When one gets pregnant, insurance (if one has it) covers the bulk of the expenses. If one adopts, none -not one- of the expenses are covered.

Would you have a child if you had to pay 100% of the medical fees out of pocket? Would you think badly of a person if she then reproduced without having all the $ immediately on hand? People have children out of love. People adopt children out of love as well. A full coffer of love is not equal to a full coffer of money. And to me, in the case of a child, LOVE matters more.

Lots of people who do not have lots of disposable income are moved to adopt and agencies currently suggest fundraising. It's not something my husband and I felt comfortable doing, but we are still trying to catch up with the fees for adopting our middle child. Oldest and youngest are bio-kids and we were able to pay what insurance didn't (~$200) out of pocket on the spot.

She was just thanking you for helping with funing her honeymoon. Donation, contribution it really does not matter what word you use. In some cultures families to ask extended family and friends to help fund wedding and quincienras (Sorry can't spell it) That is very common I know among Hispanics at least around where I am from. I have heard of people asking for help with adoptions I guess not many think of doing it for just having them cause many that are adopting have already spend so much money trying to have a baby. Just be thankful you didn't have to pay for a birth and an adoption of the same child!!! That gets even more expensive. My husband adopted my son so we had all the expense of an adoption and me having him. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't want him not to have adopted him. Some people don't mind asking others for money. I am not one of those people that's why I stink with my kids fund raisers!!!

Well, I hate this new trend. Its not my responsibility to fund honeymoons. I have started giving gifts that I want to give. If the couple has it already then THEY can return it. I have stopped looking at wedding registries because when you register for fishing equipment my thought is you really don't need me to give you anything.

As for the fundraisers for adoption, again, would not contribute to that either. You have a child or adopt a child, I will give you a gift but I will not fund it. Sorry.

I think it is tacky to have a honeymoon donation site. I think its tacky of her to say your gift was a donation.

I think that having an adoption fundraiser is not out of line if your adopting from another country that you will have to fly to and stay for an extended amount of time. some adoptions in foreign countries you have to stay there for several weeks. So if a friend wants to host a fundraiser for that I don't think that's tacky at all. Insurance company's pay for the largest portion of hospital bills related to birthing a child. Someone adopting a child does not have that help until they have adopted said child. Then they are placed on your insurance before then its all out of pocket.

Tacky.

We tend to live the life we can afford.

There is a terrific book (for about ages 10-15 but a great read for adults too) called "The Absolute Value of Mike." Part of the story, though not all of it, involves a small community banding together to help raise funds so a local pastor can adopt a needy child from overseas, a child the whole community feels it knows and wants there. It may give you some new thoughts about adoption funds -- where the child is in need and hurting, and the adult unable to afford adoption. But I totally agree that if a family is able to adopt on their own and not seeking a special-needs child, I would find it unseemly to be asked for cash to help with an adoption.

The trend of asking for cash for weddings is beyond tacky. I can't say how often I've seen Miss Manners and other columnists address the question, "Can we ask for cash/honeymoon funds/mortgage funds?" And the answer is always the same, in nicer terms than mine: Tacky, tacky, tacky.

I think that asking for honeymoon money for a wedding gift is kind of like asking people to come to your destination wedding. It's an expectation that people will finance your dream outside of what has been normal conventional practice.

I believe etiquette mavens call it inappropriate, but as the decades march on, people have started to ignore the typical conventions of etiquette and instead, do what they want.

I think that her use of the word "donation" is a trendy thing to say. Kind of like "destination wedding" instead of "wedding in a fun place I've always wanted to go to and hope that you want to pay to take a vacation with me." I don't like that word "donation" either. I like wedding gift.

Your gift was REALLY generous! Wow!

I've never heard of people asking for money to adopt. That's a new one on me. Sounds like there is no point in debating anything financial with your friend. You two are just on totally different wave lengths. Hope that she can afford diapers after being such a spend thrift, when her time comes to have children!

I don't know if your friend is like this or not, but what I see so much is people who spend big money on luxuries, then tell everybody how they can't afford regular things. "I'm so broke!" they say, and then they talk about the vacations they take, going out on the town, all of that. I don't get that, I really don't.

Dawn

I'm a flaming liberal and I think gifts belong to the receiver and the giver has no right to have an opinion about how it is used after that. I do not approve of asking for gifts "by name" unless the giver is asking for advice on what the person/couple wants. I also find adoption fundraisers to be tacky. I paid for two of my births out of pocket. I do think adopted children should be covered by Medicaid HMOs to encourage more people to adopt.
These aren't political (liberal vs. conservative) ideals. It's just basic manners.

The one big trend I'm noticing about weddings is that often people are either get married older or getting remarried and not only don't really need the traditional type wedding gifts but often just aren't as comfortable receiving them as some young couple just starting out might be. So not only do you get some non-traditional registries, but you get some awkwardness around the gift giving all together.

I just try to keep the couple in mind and I think it's a little awkward that she called it a donation vs a gift but I'd still be happy she sent the thank you card in appreciation.

As for the adoption issue, I agree with others below that in most cases the financial obligations of adoption and natural conception are worlds apart and can't really be compared.

I feel the same way you do. I think that we should not expect others to finance our life decisions--getting married, having a baby, buying a house, taking a trip. It's one thing to need help for a bit and to ask certain people to participate; it's another thing to put the word out to the masses that you expect their financial input.

Regarding wedding gifts, I think that beyond a certain age--early 20s, maybe--couples are expected to be more established in life and have a handle on what their lifestyle is and isn't. If they can't afford the wedding or honeymoon of their dreams at this point, then they should either save for a little while longer or be resigned to doing something different. Wedding gifts are a courtesy to help you "get started". At a certain age, you should "get started" on your own dime.

Basically, my understanding was that most of the "cash" that was given for a wedding went towards the couple's honeymoon anyhow. I agree that it is odd verbage donation vs. gift. I also do not want to know where the cash gift I may have given you went. I have only given cash once and that was because I simply did not have the time to buy a gift, it was a rush job and during an odd time as well. If you can not affoard it you can not have it.

ETA - shows my mind I though NFP was Needy F Person.

Well, I'm not up on this sort of terminology shift, and I don't know what one's political persuasion has to do with it (I don't have a political affiliation at all, so perhaps I'm mistaken). But gifts are one thing and "fundraisers" are another.

Adoptions are indeed expensive, as are honeymoons, hospital stays in the maternity ward, and many other things. But when I think of a donation, I think of it as something I may be able to put on my tax return, or a gift of a charitable kind, such as patronizing the Saturday car wash the school soccer team is having or taking baby clothes to the pregnancy center. Does your friend really want to be thought of as a charity?

It could be that this is just a trendy way of asking for money for one's personal use. Trends come and go.

On the other hand, when my kids ask me what I want for my birthday, I may say, "Give me a donation to the house fund" - which is a way of saying I have some painting or remodeling or something I'd like to do, and if they'd like to give me a gift card to Home Depot or Lowe's I'd appreciate it. But that's a mock donation. It's really a birthday present and we all know it.

Not long ago a neighbor celebrated his eightieth birthday, and his wife threw a big party for him, inviting family and friends (quite a lot of people). She asked for contributions to his travel fund. Would that have been a fundraiser? Nope. It was a gift request for cash only. We "contributed" because we like the fellow, he's been through a lot of physical problems, and we'd love to see him get to take another trip, because one day he may not be able to.

If someone asked me for a "donation" for a honeymoon, I would laugh. A gift to go toward an adoption? I'd think about it.

i'm with you, and it isn't so much the semantics of using that word, but the entitlement behind it.
I do not think having children is a right.

I've never heard of adoption fund-raisers, so I can't really comment on that, but I will say that while it may not cost anything to make a baby the old fashioned way, it sure costs a lot in health care and delivery fees! I've known several families that have adopted, and not one has asked me to contribute to their costs.

In my book your 'friend' uses people. Sorry.

I agree it was a gift, not a donation.
As an adoptive parent, I did NOT ask for donations nor has any other adoptive parent that I have known except one(and that person sold t-shirts, not donations per-se). Here's what I will say about adoption vs birth expenses, though. $9-10,000 would have barely funded my travel overseas for the three trips required. $9-10,000 wouldn't have covered my agency fee. In private adoptions (domestic or international) everybody and their brother has their hand out for a fee...think more along the lines of $40-80,000. Then, after all that, adoptive mothers haven't given birth, so there is no short term disability (in most states) so time off is without any pay. For couples who have fertility issues, many have already undergone expensive fertility treatments that ate up their savings prior to venturing down the adoption path. Like I said, I didn't ask for donations nor would I have done so, but people who cannot afford to adopt are not necessarily people who cannot afford to be parents.

I just donated to a friend's honeymoon fund and was happy to do it. They are in their 40s and, as another post mentioned, don't need the traditional gifts although they did have a registry with a few items. As far as I'm concerned I think it's a great idea. It was my gift to them to help them have as little debt as possible after the wedding/honeymoon. Since I am very frugal, I think it was an excellent gift and not at all inappropriate. Also, they didn't present the honeymoon fund as the only option. They expressed gratitude that their family/friends wanted to celebrate their marriage with a gift and said they would be appreciative of any gift that people chose to give whether it was from the registry, a monetary gift or something of the giver's own choosing. I don't care if they call it a gift or a donation. In fact, when I described it to another friend, I said my gift was a contribution to their honeymoon fund.