Do You Limit Your Husband "Guys Outing"?

Before I married my husband, we discussed expectations. I did not want to be married to someone who would be away from home that much and stay out that late. If he were to start that now, I would ask him what's going on.

That's too much.
I'd put my foot down. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you never see him. Tell him he's changed. Tell him he needs to man up. Is this new friend single? If so you need to point that out.
I'd also start scheduling date nights on the nights he usually goes out with this "friend" .
Clubbing is not appropriate for a married man. "Clubbing" is for singles to get together and hook up.

L.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

No! I do NOT limit my husband's "guy time" - I'm his wife, not his mother.

He's an adult. I would hope at his age, he'd know better than to drink and drive. He knows what he can and cannot tolerate. If he wakes up in the AM with a hangover - that's HIS deal. And he is still expected to go to work.

hard for me to say, i guess, since this is so not my guy. i would never dream of limiting my husband's activities. in fact, just the opposite, i encourage him to do things outside of work and me-related stuff, i think he needs more of that. but if my dh were going out drinking every weekend until the wee hours, i wouldn't be too relaxed and groovy about it. my first approach would be to let him know how uncomfortable it made me, and to see what HE suggested. a good dh will take that into consideration and make some concessions on his end without it turning into what he's allowed or not allowed to do.
khairete
S.

Every weekend and til 2/3 am is excessive. My husband gets to see his guy friends every week, but it is work-related, and very rarely does he come home later than midnight. Maybe once every year he stays out til 2/3, but it is when a friend or cousin he hasn't seen in a long time is in town--even then it is not a happy morning in our home if that happens.

It is not about allowing him to do it. He just simply shouldn't, and shouldn't need his wife to point it out to him.

Um... I'm his wife, not his mother so it's not my job to limit his activities. Having said that, my husband is a responsible and respectful adult, so I have not been put in this position. He goes out with his friends MAYBE 3 or 4 times a year (beer after work), once a year for a night out with his childhood buddies (Friday after Thanksgiving) and goes away to the mountains to fish and play golf once a year with 3 of his close friends.

Reasonable, responsible and respectful. He comes home at a reasonable hour, ensures that he has a ride home (responsible) and makes sure that I am OK by myself with the kids before committing to any plans (respectful).

Sounds like your husband doesn't feel the need to be any of the above. My guess, though, is that he was like this before you married him. What should you do? Talk with him, but my suspicion is that he will not change his behavior because he doesn't respect you or his responsibility toward his family.

If I were to answer the title I would say I don't. Troy goes out with guys maybe once a month and doesn't stay out late because he is a morning person like me. :)

Argh! In your case you need to have a sit down and find out why he needs to be going out so much. I mean it isn't a matter of controlling it is at this point a matter of understanding. Once you understand then you can approach do you need to do it that much.

At the same time you need to figure out does it bother you and why. I mean if Troy did go out every weekend like you describe it would bother me only because I don't sleep well without my cuddle before I sleep. To discuss it with him you need to also express why it bothers you.

My Hubby has 2 monthly meetings - a Range meeting and an Citizens Auxiliary Sheriff's class.
He goes to the gym on base after work every day and then he's happy to come home.
By the time we got married (in our mid 20's), we were tired of bars and discos (it was the 80's) and it was a relief to be home together.
I've always been a home-body.
It's not a matter of allowing or not allowing - we're just happy at home, we've got better things to spend money on, and our health and livers are happy we don't bother much with alcohol (maybe 1 drink a month, most likely at a neighborhood cook out).
Our whole social dynamic does not revolve around drinking and clubbing.
It sounds like your husband's does.
If either of us still were stuck in the college weekend party stage - it's likely we never would have married.

My husband and I met at 18, married at 30 (13 years ago) and I have never known him, in 25 years, to go out regularly without me. Once in a great while, he'll get together with guys from work and stay out until midnight (a handful of times per year, usually work related). By 11:30, I worry, because it's so rare. So I feel no need to limit it, but he knows I worry when it gets late, especially if he's drinking, so he texts or calls when it gets late to keep me posted. So I've never felt the need to limit it, and he's very supportive of me if I get together with my friends (once a month or less...)

I guess we're really home bodies, but we like being together a lot and I guess we don't really need clubbing or partying to be happy. Usually he crushes me at trivial pursuit or I crush him at scrabble while we sip wine...

My husband is friends with my best friend's husband and our brothers-in-law as well as my brothers. I encourage him to do things with all of them, and he enjoys their company. I trust these particular guys, and I trust my husband so it's not really an issue when they make plans but they also don't make plans every weekend. They're family men. I wish my husband would go out more often and blow off some steam. I don't allow or disallow, really. We do try to be considerate of each other's plans.

But they do things like going to car shows, air shows, the occasional bachelor party, guy movies, etc. They don't go out drinking or clubbing. They've outgrown all of that.

It sounds to me that your husband is being really inconsiderate and defensive. I'd be curious why he feels the need to go out drinking and clubbing every weekend, and what's happening when they go out. There has to be some appeal to it. And if he's going on the offensive and calling you controlling because you don't want him doing this EVERY weekend then he's got something to hide. He's trying to make you feel guilty and turn the situation around on you, turn the attention onto you.

I think he needs to stop hanging out around the alcoholic friend so much. He's enabling the friend and getting far to involved in it himself.

This does not happen in our marriage. Its not just that I don't allow it, my husband wants to spend his free time with me and vice versa. Late night drinking without your spouse is unacceptable, add the clubs and you are talking serious problems.

I don't "own" my husband nor does he "own" me. We are a partnership and the word "allow" is not used when it comes to one of us doing something we choose to do.

It comes across as "controlling" if you are communicating to him in a tone which sounds like you are his mother. You need to communicate your feelings without being condecending, speaking like you are the authority, etc.

That said, I have no issue with hubby going out with friends, however, he is not the type that would do it every weekend. I go out as well but not every weekend.

Is this friend truly an alcoholic or is this your perception? If he truly is an admitted alcoholic, hubby should not be enabling his habit.. your hubby should be a true friend and use his friendship as a tool to gear the friend toward activities that can be fun without alcohol. Mixing clubbing, alcohol and driving = disaster. I'd be more concerned with my husband's safety while with this friend, especially if hubby is in the same car with him.

Good luck.

Every weekend til the bars close? NO! That's not a marriage, that's a sentence. Time for someone to be released.

"The wife" has every right to express her concerns about her husband's self-care, or lack of, and ability to meet his family responsibilities. You really can't "allow" or "not allow" it, he is grown and can make his own decisions. You can let him know where the line is and what will be the last straw and the exit point for you. That "you're being controlling" line that men use is a bunch of bs that they use to get their own way (sorry for my cynicism, I'm a bit touchy this week).

I wish my husband would go out more, but he has never been one for drinking, so I am fortunate that way.

I don't have this issue. My husband doesn't feel the need to be a teenager again. He took care of all that silly stuff years ago.

before i got pregnant my fiance and i were going out together like that everyweekend to bars with friends til god knows what time.. there were only a couple of occasions where he would go out with the guys from work and i would stay home, now that im pregnant he hasnt gone out at all since .. but honestly if he was going out all the time without me every weekend, reguardless of wether i was pregnant or not i would no0t be happy about it, every weekend is definatley waaayy too much.. a weekend here n there sure thats fine, evry single weekend no freakin way

Guys don't go clubbing to hang out with guys. Guys go clubbing to hang out with women.
My husband doesn't do guy outings. He doesn't drink. I wish he had more of a social life - not out til the wee hours, but to go out to a sporting event (he hates sports) or play golf or racketball or something (not that he does these things).

My husband respects me enough not to go out till all hours of the morning drinking. If he didn't, I'd talk to him about it and ask why he felt the need to go out drinking every weekend and drive home after having been drinking all night.

If he got upset and told me I was controlling I'd tell him I wasn't trying to be controlling, I was trying to keep him from killing himself or making stupid decisions.

But like I said, my husband respects me enough not to do this. If I were you, I'd sit down and have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you don't appreciate his behavior.

He did, when it was early in our marriage. But that kind of lifestyle can't be sustained. You do get to have a say about how often he goes out like that, as it affects the family. My husband chooses to rarely go out without me now. Mature family men don't need clubs and bars to be entertained. I hope your guy grows out of it soon.

I would definately talk to him, that does not sound like the behavior of someone who is not happy in their marriage (not saying in ANY way that it is your fault). It sounds like he is acting like a young single guy. I would be very upset if my husband was acting like that.

Every weekend until 2-3 am seems excessive for a married person to be going out drinking and clubbing. I would approach him not as if you have the right to allow or not allow anything. But tell him in all seriousnes that you are concerned about his habits. Why is he acting like someone out enjoying the single life? Does he have a drinking problem? Why does he feel the need to do this every weekend and stay out so late, rather than spend time at home or out with you? Why don't he and his friends get together for anything other than drinking and clubbing? I would tell him you would like him to spend more of his weekends with you. And ask him to think about what it is he really wants. You tell him how you feel and let him make his choices. Then you have to decide for yourself what's acceptable in your marriage.

The more you "control" or "allow" him to do/not do, the more of a wet blanket you are.

Let him do what he wants, and make sure you get yours in. Just because he's hung over doesn't mean he gets to skip "morning duty" with the kids or being engaged with them.

I wish my husband would go out once in a while. Anywhere with anyone! Mine is such a homebody it is hard to drag him out of the basement. Of course I wouldn't be happy if it became excessive like that. I would say that you should both get equal time to go out on your own, to do whatever you want, as long as it's legal and relatively moral.

My husband works a lot (50-70 hrs per week), does side jobs, golfs, goes to the gym, etc. He takes a weeklong golf trip each year. He doesn't need my permission. I don't need him. We also take yearly vacations as a family.
We make sure that child care, etc. is NOT an issue.

However, if my husband wanted to go out drinking EVERY weekend, that would be a problem. It's not positive, productive or beneficial to our lives.

My humans sometimes does a wing night with some buds. I don't worry about it or wait up for him. He's a big boy and he deserves his relaxation.

That doesn't sound like what you're describing.
YOU have issue with your husbands drinking, therefore he has a drinking problem.

Please disregard the advice implying this is somehow your fault! That's ridiculous! For someone to imply he's out because you're not enticing enough is archaic and disrespectful! The relationship he's describing is smothering and controlling. I assume that's not what you're after.

My husband golfs once a week on Thursdays after work. He usually does not work on Fridays so he goes to a local bar with a couple friends afterwards. He does this weekly during golf season. I have no problem with this. But he goes with a couple of married guys and they go to this bar that has local flavored beer on tap that changes weekly. And they aren't going to get wasted. Also, its only during golf season. Yes, I am ok with this.

Maybe in my husbands case its a little different, then your scenario. But I think if you have a problem with your husband going out every weekend, then yes it should be talked about. You should not base your relationship on what others would tolerate but only on what you can.

My husband has one friend that he hangs out with on a very regular basis. They get together at least twice a month but sometimes as frequent as 2-3 times a week. His friend is married and me and his wife are friendly but not really friends. Therefore I don't like hanging out as much as he does. They live about 45-60 mins away. My husband always seems to go over there and friend rarely comes over to "our side of town". They have been friends for going on 5 years now. I have multiple issues with this relationship. When they are supposed to hang out for some reason it really irks me. Not real sure why but it usually causes a fight. They usually either go shoot pool, go fishing or hunting, or go eat dinner. For some reason, about once a month they will plan an overnight trip which is a big problem for me. (I think a grown man should come home to his family - wife and 7month old - every night.) I don't understand the whole slumber party thing. They plan a fishing weekend every year and either head to the coast of texas or to florida. It just seems that my hubby bends over backwards to accommodate friend but has a double standard for me (drives me NUTS!!). BTW we don't drink so that aspect isn't there...

I will say that I normally say something and it may be passive-aggressive but when I do it always starts a fight. I don't think that I am controlling and I understand people need outlets but I don't think this would be ok with me.

can you get a babysitter and go out some weekend nights with him? would he be happy if you could and then his friend could invite other people too? If the answer is yes he would be happy with you joining some times then I wouldnt be upset, if he NEEDED 1 day away to relax with the guys I would talk to him and tll him my concerns and we'd find a mutual thing we both felt comfortable with.

My boyfriend and I go out saturday night most weeks because my ex has my daughter, so we go to the bar, friends houses, family adult parties, and stay out until 2 or 3am....some times friends invite him when I cant be there and occassionaly he will go. My boyfriend does this probably once a month without M. and propbably a happy hour fora few hours once a week, but he always tries to schedule it on days i dont have my daughter so that he doesnt miss time with her, and then i go out with my friends

I don't have this issue...my husband does not drink (once in a while and never gets drunk) or goes "clubbing"....I think I would have a breakdown if he started. Only because I would assume he has switched bodies with someone else.

I actually have to encourage (push guy time) on him.

To me there is a big difference between going out as you've described once a week to going and playing a sport, or something that does not involve a lot of alcohol.

I would not necessarily "limit or forbid it" but I certainly would let him know that this is not acceptable behavior.

I go play volleyball once a week with my friends...we have few drinks while we're playing (although in this heat we have been skipping the adult beverages)....but I'm gone two hours max.

No married person, female or male, needs to be staying out that late every weekend at a club, drinking. That's what young, single people do. That would be a problem for me. I don't really have any advice becuase my DH is a hermit & doesn't like to stay up late or drink.

This is not about you "limiting" his activities. Do not think of it that way. Wouldn't you hate if you had hobbies and he said "You need to limit your hobbies" sounds very controlling that way. How would you feel if he said he wanted to spend more time with you as a couple? now it sounds loving, not controlling.
No, it is not good that your husband is out carousing with guys till wee hours of the AM. This is not the sign of a healthy marriage. Tell him you would like to go to marriage counseling. (Do NOT say it is because of this, say because you want a stronger, better, marriage) THEN discuss with an impartial marriage counselor.

I do believe this is juvenile behavior, but it should be every other weekend, so you get time to go do the same. Don't ask, but tell him you made plans next weekend and need him to watch the kids. Dress to the hilt, sexy as anything, and innocently kiss him good-bye as you head out the door. Don't call to check in. Behave just like him and communicate the night when you return (or not) just like him. Actions get attention way more than words.

My husband doesn't go out. He wanted to go an a 5 day motorcycle trip and meet up with some other guys with motorcycles, but the weather was not complying, nor was his bike. He was bummed. I encouraged him to still go camping more locally with his Jeep....he said that he wanted to spend the weekend with me.

He also went to some off road racing event for 6 days in March with some other guys and had a good time.

He's never been one to go to clubs or bars with friends. We have 4 kids and he stays home, while I work....so I make sure he gets time to go out. (he use to work in corporate America, until he quit to stay home with our kids.) He really has no desire to hand with other guys at clubs. I push him out of the house. I called a friend of mine's husband, with his permission, and asked him if he wanted to go see Dark Knight with my husband. He was interested in seeing a movie at those VIP theaters where they bring you food and serve alcohol during the movie. He's never been into clubs or titty bars. He thinks they are lame....a waste of money.

Not that your husband is cheating, but we have a friend who does that stuff and has cheated 3 times on his wife. Is your husband's friend single? If your husband thinks that's a good way to spend his time and money, he might end up single, too. You hang with people you want to be like (or already are). I don't hang with unmotivated, lazy people, I hang with successful people. My husband would MUCH rather spend time with me, than at a club getting attention. I give him plenty of attention, if you know what I mean....

So my question to him would be:
1) WHEN do I get to go out?
2) And I would tell him "By the way, I am going out this weekend with my girlfriends, so you need to watch the kids..."
3) I would also tell him, that going out "clubbing" and drinking like a college kid... while being a Father, "How does that make you feel?"
ie: he is going out drinking, till the wee hours, he is an example for his kids, and what if he is drunk AND driving and gets into trouble? He is not single and he has to think about his family/kids/Wife... per whatever behavior he does while out.
In the least, he embarrasses himself, like an idiot.

4) My Husband goes out. But not till the wee hours. He goes with buddies. Fine. That is fine with me. But he does not do it EVERY damn weekend like a habit.

NOW, your Husband has an Alcoholic friend, and you say NOW your Husband is like this.
So um, that seems like a problem, right? That is a problem.
How old is your Husband?
20? 30? 40? 50?
Does he do ANYTHING as far as parenting, being with your kids, being responsible at home and helping??????? Or not?
Even if he works or not, a Husband, is responsible for doing things at home and with the kids, too.

Now, sure, even married people can go out with their friends. That is normal. And fine. Life does not "end" just because a person is married and they can have friends and go out.
BUT you said your Husband is doing this EVERY weekend, until 2-3:00am, and drinking and clubbing. AND his friend, is Alcoholic.
And now, he is like that, too.
SO that is the difference.... your Husband's behavior has changed. Since this Alcoholic friend of his, came into the picture.

You said your Husband is going out every weekend. So, is that just one time a weekend? Or every Friday night? Or every Saturday night? Or Friday AND Saturday nights??? And Sunday night???

A Wife can say what she wants to her Husband. Especially if it is a concern. That is not "controlling." So say something to your Husband.
But, if you tell him he cannot have a life nor have friends nor go out at all... THEN that is "controlling."
And YES, a Wife CAN SAY what she wants. This is a modern era... a woman/wife does NOT have to be all meek and passive and a doormat. If she thinks something is "wrong" or if something is not fair.
A Wife, can speak up.

Again, WHEN do YOU get to go out???
Make plans with your friends, or even have time to yourself and go out... and tell your Husband when (don't ask "permission"), and just do it.
And tell him to watch the kids.

Is he going out on Friday AND Saturday nights? Does this interfere with the time he interacts with his family? I go out every Saturday night to a friend's house (once in a while she comes to mine or we go to a movie theatre) until midnight or so watching Superhero Movies. My husband doesn't mind, but I still get up in the morning and do family stuff, and he gets a chance to play his game without feeling bad.

If it's interfering with family time and/or time spent with you, I think it's bad. If it's something you are both comfortable with, it's ok. It sounds like you do not enjoy that he's out so often and you need to tell him that you're important and deserve his time too.