Do Parents Really Think Their Kids Can/will Do No Wrong?

Well, to answer the title question, yes, apparently some do.

Do I? Let me answer that with a question for you. I've been posting here for a long time now...Do I sound like an imbecile?

I actually DO think that my kids will stay out of trouble. However, it actually perplexes me - when I was 15 I was hell-bent on losing my virginity and going to concerts (and we know what opportunities that presents). I had been drunk by age 14 and reached my other goal by 15. My daughters' seem strangely grounded and are not seeking male approval like I was when I was their age. I feel in touch with them. I hope that I have fostered open communication but my knowledge of how I was at their age keeps me from being too confident. I will note that I came of age in the late-1960's and early 1970's and that was a time of open sexuality and drug use. No "just say no" for us.

I want to add one other thing: When I was a teen getting pregnant was the worst thing that could happen to you. I saw it as a sentence to poverty and humiliation. Having connected to friends via Facebook, I have been in contact with a classmate who got pregnant in HS and it actually worked out. She's still married to the man who got her pregnant and everyone is doing well. This observation changed my attitude towards this "tragedy" that could befall a teen.

Hell no, mine are heathens! Okay, they are pretty good kids....

I know that they are teens, and I know that I can trust them, but I also recognize that they will screw up. What am I supposed to do? Wrap them in bubble wrap?

At some point, they're going to be sent into the world whether we think they are ready or not. By the age of 16, when I start to loosen the reigns, I know that I have done everything I can to prepare them for the choices they are going to have to make. They've been educated on STD's, they know how to protect themselves, they know where I stand on drugs and alcohol and they know the consequences for breaking those rules.

They can either choose to keep their freedoms, or loose them. It's their choice. My 'hills' are few, but they are not negotiable. Even my overly rebellious DD who gave me a run for my money, knew not to mess with my hills.

Bluntly I hope my children eff up. The lessons are deeper, the experiences are character/life changing and the aftermath is a more interesting person. It is not the number of times a person falls down but the fact he or she keeps getting up. Some people go the route built on wiser choices and others pick a harder path to the detriment of themselves. I only hope my children don't make it a habit to take the hard path and to keep hurting themselves.

I just remember all the things I did when I was a teenager that my parents never knew about and still don't know about. And hey, they trusted me too. I was a good kid, got good grades, made curfew, helped out around the house.

I am under no illusions regarding my son. He is six. I know what sort of bs I pulled as a kid, so I know a lot of the tricks and what he's capable of.

That said, because I have given it some thought, I also know what was behind my misbehaving (to put it succinctly) and what those unmet needs were, so as parent I can try to keep that in mind. How did *I* feel when my parents responded a certain way or did what they did? What were the influences which precipitated the likelihood that I would behave in a certain way? Being aware of what those things were means that I can try to relate to my son from both my perspective as his mom as well as what we might loosely call the perspective of my inner child.

All I can do is model the values I would like to see in him. If I don't want him to lie to me, I can't lie to him. If I don't want him to glorify sex, then I need to be monogamous and discreet about my own sex life, and to be vocal about all the other things I value in my husband's character. If I don't want him to steal from others, then I need to show him that I do not take advantage of those sorts of 'opportunities' (as I once heard someone describe and justify their choosing to steal) and to not act like I am more entitled to something, etc. etc. If we, as parents, can live honest lives, if we are willing to explain ourselves when our kids ask, even when things are uncomfortable, if we are willing to apologize to our kids when we make mistakes and to admit that all of life --not just youth-- is a hard learning experience~ if we can admit that we are not perfect and we are not always right and do not always have all the answer, but let us seek *together*-- I think this can really make a positive difference.

Kids aren't impressed by parents who know all and who expect perfect kids-- kids have better role models in parents who make mistakes, admit them, make amends and still keep striving to do better. Parents who are real.

ETA: B, I loved that line: "It is a kind of blindness but it's more like a mental illness. " I'm sure a thousand therapists would agree!

ETA2: Fuzzy, I am still laughing!

No, I don't think my kids would never do something wrong. But I am perplexed as to how they turned out to be so straight-laced with me as their mom. :P

When I think of what I used to do at their ages, vs. what they're doing at their ages - wow. Major relief. And admiration for them.

100% confident that we have no control over them :)

Sure we can guide, teach and try our best...but in the end they have freedom to choose for themselves their life's path.

No matter how they turn out...we will love them all the same :)

My kids are good kids but I'm not living under a rock nor am I naïve. I was young once too. =)

I told them they have my trust till they lose it. They have my love forever.

I agree with Nervy Girl, my behavior matters.
It's my responsibility to provide enriching activities to keep them busy.
Trust and verify.
I am the one praying for them.
I was the one taking them (not sending them)to church and helping them to hide God's word in their hearts so they have wisdom to guide them when I'm not there.
I gave them chances to mess up and bear the consequences.
I let them know they would bear the consequences of really bad behavior, also.
The worst consequence I ever had to bear was the disappointment of my parents. I hated that because I knew they truly loved me. That's what I tried to instill in my kids. Not that they were to be afraid of me.

They made it to adulthood and though they were not perfect. They were not chronicly deceitful, lazy, violent, permiscuous or disrespectful. That's good enough for me.

Well my oldest is only 6, so I don't really know what those teen yrs hold. But as our boys grow we are starting to teach them that we can't actually. 'make' them obey us. Especially with our 6 yr old, we tell him that doing the right thing is his choice. If he does the right things, he will be happier. If he does something wrong, like kick his baby bros with his developing martial arts skills, he will get in trouble, but the choice is his. We even tell him that as adults we can get in trouble, if we break the law, there are consequences, even as grown ups our choices are our responsibility. We hope that raising them this way will help them in life so if they do make a wrong choice, which they might, they will have in drilled into them that they have the power to change that choice, bc we always raised them to take responsibility for their choices. So that's the hope! That if they do something stupid, they can get over it quickly!! But no, we don't think that bc we are the most awesome parents or bc we are teaching them morality that they won't deviate from our teaching to find their way, I mean I hope they don't but you know they are separate human beings from us! I do think that sometimes parents get too controlling, thinking that force will work over the long haul.

I do understand what you are saying. I think that most parents, when they really think about it, realize our children are not perfect and are capable of bad behavior and mistakes. However, I can also see how some parents might truly think their children absolutely would *never* do xyz...just based on a child's personality and past behavior. I think it is very easy to think, "My child would NEVER do this..." For example (and my kids are pretty young) but I have an 8 year old daughter that I previously would have sided with 100%, because I really hardly ever see her misbehave. Her teachers always have glowing reports, the principal has hand-written notes to me about her model behavior, and the interactions I have seen with her and friends have always been of her being the peacemaker, so when someone reported a problem between her and their child, it is really easy to think, "Um, yeah, I am pretty sure MY child did not cause the problem!" Of course, then it doubly sucks when you find out that your child did INDEED do something very mean...Yeah, Some of us parents are still learning that our dear lil angels can be turds sometimes, too ;)

Our school system made a lot of changes this school year. The schools were clustered by grade and a bus was provided for transportation. Everyone was apprehensive-most were opposed to tge change but the board voted for it due to a deficit.
I saw many parents acting very silly the first few weeks. One woman engaged in a huge argument with the bus aid because tge bus aid claimed that the child was misbehaving on the bus and the mother was adamant that her child would not do so.
Parents were also starting arguments and heated discussions with principals and the superintendent in front of the children. It was silly. Change can be difficult for children as well, but how do we expect them to adjust without us? And why would we (as parents) set such a bad example?
It's perplexing to me. I think many parents are oblivious to their own behavior (and the effect it has on their kids).
Yes, your kid is perfect. And starting an argument over shows how perfect you are as well !?!

First of all, in light of the previous question about the sleepover with the gay friend -- I don't personally think that teens having sex (which was the issue in that question) is "wrong."

So it's not a matter of right and wrong - it's whether you think your child may have sex and possibly get heartbroken, get an STD, or get pregnant.

This isn't a boast, but I really knew that my daughter wouldn't have slept with some guy she wasn't going out with. She was so picky that she didn't have her first boyfriend till after high school. That doesn't mean that I could have said the same about any other daughters I might have had, but I only have one daughter, and she has just never been the type to do that. Some girls take more risks by nature, my daughter just isn't one of those. That's not right or wrong, it's just her nature.

So yes, although I disagree with your use of the word "wrong," some kids can be thoroughly trusted to "do no wrong," if you must put it that way.

You are right. Some parents truly live in the dark and believe their children are perfect.

I have an almost 19 yr old and yes, she is a good kid and I have been very blessed but I am not stupid. I'm sure there are things I do not know about. I am thankful she is safe and healthy.

I was raised in the Baptist and Methodist church and had religion drilled in my head so hard that as soon as I was in college, I rarely set foot in a church again. It was those kids who their parents felt were so perfect that were the worst!!

I think it depends on the kid.

I truly WAS one of those "good" kids... I had sleepovers with a close friend, who happened to be my boyfriend's sister... My parents trusted me not to do anything sleeping over at their house, because they knew it just wasn't in my nature TO do anything. And nothing ever happened. (Heck, I didn't even get my first kiss until I was 18, and have only ever had sex with my husband. Lol.)

My siblings, on the other hand, never got the same slack. I think it was because, being he oldest girl of 13 siblings, (most of the time I was taking care if the 4 of us who lived together full-time with our single father, until circumstances had us living with our grandparents...) I had a sense of maturity and responsibility that they just didn't; I was very conscientious about the consequences of my actions, and very rarely gave in to emotions.

For my child... I don't know what I will do. She is only 3, so I guess I will have to determine how I feel about how much I trust her based in who she is at the time. In reality, I know that I was an extremely odd teenager, and that my children likely won't follow so closely in my footsteps...

I think parents are hopeful but can be a bit naive.

I was a very "good" kid, with a good upbringing, had values instilled in me, was taught well, was supervised, had a curfew, was not allowed to date before 16 etc and still made a couple of poor choices. Made 1 or 2 errors in judgements. So you do the best you can, teach, model behavior & instill values.

However, I know a few people that are absolutely blind. They don't think their kids do anything wrong yet others see it. I think they are blinded by love & they themselves don't have the best manners. I see a lot of this these days. It's unfortunate but seems to be the majority these days.

I always shake my head when I see posts about how much a parents trusts their kid will not get in trouble.

The one thing I do know is that I will NEVER know all the *bad* things my kids do; whether they are 5 or 25.... I will not be naive and give them free reign.

I also feel that if I told my kids that I trust them and know they will not get in trouble is closing the window of communication. By that I mean they probably will not want to come to me with something stupid they did with the fear of feeling they let me down or disappointed me. However if I tell them that I know they will make mistakes even though I put them on the *right path*, but they can come to me to work thru it, is a better way of letting them know I am not blind; IMO.

Also in my church circle of friends and my kids attend a private christian school, not ONE person has said they "know their kids would never get in trouble", and I know ever single person and their child in that school.

I can go around my block and point to each house about where kids ended up...suicide, mental health issues, teen mom, druggie, obese smoker, etc.
And they were all from higher income, 2-parent homes (well, at least when they were real little), with excellent schools and a beautiful neighborhood that's very safe. It is so sad. I am under no illusions that kids will all become OK. Mine or anybody's.
The one girl who turned out the worst had such an involved mom at our church, a loving family, really everything wonderful one could hope for...and she lives on the streets and the parents are raising her kids.

At the same time, most of them are fine and went to excellent colleges and have very successful lives.

I was a teen once. I did things that all the other teens were doing. We weren't supposed to be doing them, but we did. Sometimes I got caught, sometimes I didn't. My kids will soon be teens. They will do things that they are not supposed to do. Sometimes they will get caught and sometimes they won't. I'm not giving them permission to do the things that they are not supposed to, but I don't believe that they aren't going to do them. It is normal and natural for teens to experiment and get into trouble. What is important to me is that they trust me enough to come to me if and when they are in trouble, and that I have taught them to be safe. I am sure they will drink, but I hope they don't drink and drive. I am sure they will have sex, but I hope they use protection.

Yes, they do exist and unfortunately these parents could be setting their kids up for a big fall.
We have tried to raise our kids the best we can, we are trying to teach them values, character and responsibility, they are good kids, but we do not think they are perfect and they will do no wrong. Life is full of surprises, I just wish my kids follow always a good criterion and use their freewill wisely based on our teachings and good judgement.

A. :)

My grandmother believed we never did anything wrong. When a neighbor would ring her bell and tell her we did something wrong, she would tell them, "No they didn't, go on and get out of here". That was the end of it.

I am not one of those parents who thinks my kids will do no wrong. If they don't do wrong, there is something wrong with them, and I'd be worried then. :-)

My hope is that by the time they are old enough to really get in trouble, they are able to make good enough decisions that their mistakes have minor consequences. But I hope that they do make mistakes and fumble and fall down, especially while they are still at home.

I try to live the values I am trying to teach them, but even then I can't control the message.

I'm not delusional. While I do everything to teach them right from wrong and all of that I know they can have moments of stupidity.
I've taught them that things have consequences, thinks like even if you use protection it can fail and you can still find yourself pregnant or your partner pregnant. I've taught them to really think about that. But if it happens I won't wig out. I'll just deal with it and I certainly won't think they are bad kids or I parented poorly.
There are some things I feel certain they won't do because I know they respect my preferences and they know why I have them. I know they will never smoke cigarettes for instance. They know exactly why beyond the whole it's bad for you, yuck thing.
I think those that blindly go about thinking their children won't do XYZ because something like the Bible says so are setting themselves up for failure. Some truly have kids that will be "good" but some of the worst kids I knew in school were the "good little religious kid" that had parents believing they were doing no bad when in fact it was the complete opposite.

I've seen these kind of parents all through the years of my kids' childhoods. "Not MY kid!" from whether or not they'd hit another child or start an altercation, to whether or not they'd try smoking pot. What it's really about, in my view, is that they believe that they are such a good parent that their kid would never mess up. It's also a commentary on "We're better than everyone else." And you know what? They aren't.

I'm lucky that my kids are good kids. They weren't easy growing up. I have friends with easy kids, the kind who never had a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, or fell apart when they hadn't gotten enough sleep, or showed perfectionist tendencies like one of mine did. Tough being a mom to that some days... For moms who went through that and didn't make ridiculous excuses or ignore the behavior as perfectly okay, I had respect. For moms who acted like they were better than me because their kids were "perfect", I had NO respect. I often thought that the day would come when they'd get the rug pulled out from underneath them and learn some humility.

Fast forward to my children now being young adults, I feel blessed. Have I turned into those women I'm talking about, just because my kids are older? Heck NO. Teens are teens are teens. I was a teen once. I still haven't told my folks any of the things I did that they wouldn't have approved of - and I was a squeaky-clean teenager, too. If my kids get through college without screwing up anything major, I will be thrilled. I've seen so many mistakes from other people that I know it's foolhardy to think that nothing can happen just because they're my kids.

Everyone has free will.
No matter how they were raised.
Kids, then become adults.
Adults, no matter how they were raised, operate on their own volition.
And adults, do wrong, too. To varying degrees.
But they were kids once.
You see, everyone is not a robot. No matter how they were raised.
And at some point, everyone, kids and adults, have minds of their own.
And free will.
Nothing is absolute or static. No matter how one was raised.

And, kids and adults, will make bad judgement calls or mistakes etc. and what then? They make, "wrong" decisions.
It cannot be predicted, just based on how one was raised, how a person will turn out. In life.
And some people just c.a.n.n.o.t. "behave."
Adults and kids.
Even if they were "good kids" growing up.
And some "good" kids, grew up in very bad, ways.
But they grow up and become model citizens.
And some "good" kids who grew up good, are just monsters.

its a fine line, I certainly don't expect to raise an alcoholic with a criminal record. I certainly don't expect them to be pregnant at 15

I have found that Suburban parents do or either they just try to transfer the blame to bad teachers.