My daughter's best friend is very close with me as well (he calls me his bestest friend). Anyways, he confided in both of us that he has been subjected to some pretty abusive behavior while a family member has been under the influence of alcohol. Since telling me this earlier this afternoon, I have had the sickest feeling in my stomach. HIs sister is in her first year of college and although this has happend on two other occasions (that I know of) he doesn't think he should really say anything b/c she had to go thru it as well. My husband was a police officer and works at our police dept as a dispatcher. This boy is tiny for his age and his dad is a big guy - always harping on him about things - nagging him about his grades, grounding him but never tries to help the situation. My husband will actually go online for 2 hrs to try to learn what the kids need help on in math, but all his dad does is cracks open a cold one & shoots off his mouth. I don't know if I should say something. If I say something, things could get worse, but if i don't, what if something happens. I was thinking of calling his sister or his aunt. i don't know. I really can't talk to his mom about it b/c she enables the dad. Please let me know what you think, but please don't bother if you're going to tell me it's none of my business. My husband & I had a great part in raising him over the past 6 1/2 years so I feel that we I have an obligation to him. He is a part of our family and don't want to see something happen to him. Thank you.
I met with my therapist I began seeing after my 13 yr old was sexually abused by a family member starting at the age of 5, so believe me I am aware how Family Services works to those of you who wanted to enlighten me. She suggested handling this in the most suttle way, as losing the trust of this boy would be the worst thing. We are his safe haven so she suggested telling him that he needs to speak w/a counselor at school or a teacher he feels comfortable discussing this with. They are legally bound to contact the proper authorities and will do so. She also told me the name and # of a hotline my daughter and I can call should he choose not to do so,, but that we need to do something by the beginning of the week - Tuesday the latest. His dad is away for the weekend, so we don't have to worry for now. As far as telling anyone in his family, they all witnessed it happen before and from what he's said it has happend w/his sister already, so not to even bother. I appreciate the help that I was given with all of the support, the caring words, the direction to go in. It really helped make my decision. I know that there are those that choose to go with silence, me.....I can't - it would haunt me forever should something happen to him. From the moment those tears rolled down his cheeks, I was wearing that shirt. People can think what they want of what kind of mother would allow their daughter to have a boy as a friend, if you could only have a boy like this since the age of 6 for your daughter's best friend, you'd be the luckiest mom in the world. He is the sweetest boy! He is wonderful with my 7 yr old as well. He has been a part of our family since we moved in here and if it weren't for us, I don't know what he would've done sometimes either. He eats here, otherwise it would be a bowl of cereal every night, he does homework here, but then when he gets an A- instead of an A+ he's banned from our house, he helps me cook meals then i'm yelled at for turning "the boy" into a queer, he goes everywhere with us, we go to every school function for him & our daughter, we have always made sure he's included in things b/c he truly is the son we never had & YES i realize he's not our child, but then why don't his parents treat him like their own rather then always disappearing & leaving him here. Oh well, I'm not going to defend my values to make myself feel better with someone who judges me by one post online. I would just like to truly like to thank all of you that took the time to help me with this deciision, I know that tonight will be a much easier one when my daughter, he and I sit down and talk things out. He is an amazing boy and deserves to live the life of a child.
Get this child to attend Alateen meetings where he can learn coping skills and find a support group who understands what he is going through and what they do when things get out of hand. Its difficult in these cases because the situation can get worse if not handled properly. I would start there... for his sake and talk to whomever I could in his family that seems receptive...
Have the young man come over and tell him you love him and are concerned for his safety. Then tell him it would be a good thing for him to talk to your husband and tell him everything. As a formor Police Officer (and friend to this child) youir husband can help him gather the strenght to be the one to tell others. Once the boy agrees if there is a detective that your husband is friends with and trusts have him come to speak with the boy at your house. Even at first "off duty" (out of uniform so not to scare the kid) would be a great idea. You must help this child because drunks may start out as only slightly" abusive but they will get worse and boys often get it even worse from a dad than a girl would. (I think its a tough mentality thing). You could even have him call and talk to his sister from your house. She may have went through the same things. GET THIS BOY HELP ASAP!!!!
Could you live with yourself if you knew what has happened and the next time the boy gets a broken arm or whatever or worse.
A.
I guess I would say, if it makes you feel sick to your stomach, imagine what it feels like to him to live with it. I guess I think you need to do something. He may get very angry with you for a while, but in the scheme of things, he will learn that there are good adults who care and that will help him. Actions speak louder than words.
I grew up in a very abusive home and no one ever helped me. I was always wondering how so many adults could know and not help me. But at the same time I did live in fear of someone telling. It is a hard spot for a child. But now as an adult with objectivitiy and as a parent myself, I know all those people did wrong by me when I needed them.
I really think you need to come right out and say exactly what is going on when you post this. Other people are making assumptions here on what they think could be going on and answering based on that. Is his dad is just kindof a lazy jerk, well that is nothing to get involved in. Yes, sad for the kids, but that is life. Not a reason to call CPS. And be very careful, like someone else said, your call could mean that he will be taken away from his family. If he is old enough, let him know that you are there for him and will help, but he needs to know what the possible consequences would be.
That's tough. If it were me I would probably not say anything, but I would let him come over to my house be with my family, basically move in if he wanted to. You are his positive influence. Your showing him how it can be.
Good job mama.
M.
I would believe he was "crying out to me for help" by telling me what was going on :-( !!!!!!!!!!! HELP HIM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN! dont go to his parents, Useless assholes that they are, Go straight to the authorities !
WHAT does your DH say??????????? SO SAD
It took courage for that boy to confide in you - find the courage in yourself to help him go further and either contact the authorities or confront the abuser (with the threat of calling the authorities if the abuser does not get help). If you take the latter course, make sure you are there when the boy confronts him, and provide the abuser with phone numbers, etc. to call to get help. Don't let this boy down by ignoring what he has said by doing nothing. Bless you, and good luck to everyone.
Do not talk to the parents! Then it will be harder to help him. You need to depending on his age, call CPS, or some kind of social worker and talk to someone about what is going on. If he is being physically abused. He told you and trusts you, he is asking for your help, so now you are responsible in a way, so do something. Ask your husband to help you decide what to do, he works with the police. He should have some kind of information.
Whatever you decide, do something to help this child.
Keep us updated, and best wishes.
Call the state. It is anonymous.
Leave them alone.
It's none of your business, you don't know if what you're hearing is the truth, and quite frankly, calling the state will only serve to separate them (at worst) or create tension between them.
Instead: Pray for them. Be an example to them. Spend time getting to know the parents. Get to know their challenges and help them to meet them. And be a good role model.
When I hear that your daughter's best friend is a boy, and is "very close to you" it sends of all kinds of red flags in my head. Not because it sounds like there is anything going on between YOU and him, but because that says something about what you value as a parent.
It's clearly important to you that you be your daughters' friend and confidante. (whereas another parent might not choose that role in the same capacity) and because you are the "cool mom anyone can talk to" in that scenario, you are bound to hear all kinds of things, some true, some not, some exagerrated, etc.
You say he's part of you family and that you have had a great part in raising him. But you aren't his parents, so the best thing here is to help his parents by getting to know them and having lots of patience and compassion and kindness for them to help them figure it out, not for YOU to try to replace his parents in his mind. You are not his mother.
Whatever it is , (And I'm assuming it's far worse than whatever you described above, because that was so very minimal in the big scheme of things) it can be overcome by love and kindness. I'm willing to bet if he's confiding in you, he is NOT confiding in his parents, which is further stressing them and alienating him from them. You will do him a greater favor by teaching him to respect and honor his parents, to listen to them, to obey them, etc (and thereby to repair their relationship.) than to "dwell" on some isolated incident and make a mountain out of a bad situation.
Help this child call social services ! He told you because he trust you and he is asking for help. Please do not wait any longer.
I would ask the boy if there is anything he would like you to do.
how old is he? can you talk to him about it? it sounds like you are close and maybe you could sit down with him and tell him that you will never tell anyone what he says but that you want to know if he thinks it would help if you said something, and you want him to know that you are there for him and he can count on you. can you talk to your daughter about it? i would be scared too, but you might be all he has ... i dont know... i really wish you all the best
You already know about who to contact and when to contact, and all that. I'm wondering how that went through. BC your update isn't dated.
All I can say is good luck, hope he is on board with your decisions, and hope if something does happen, he winds up in a better situation.
good luck, gentle mothering!
M.
I would report it and let the authorities decide what to do in the situation. Be there for this child and if you see any physical evidence of bruising etc, take pictures, document dates/times/location etc. what was said etc. you may need that information for future if something comes out of this. What a hard situation to be in! The boy is really fortunate to have people like you looking out for him. Keep up the good work~
M
