What to Do About Friends (Pre-teen) Alcoholic Mother????

CALL CPS and keep calling until something is done. I always think about that commercial where the little girl gets off the elevator with her dad and on his back says child abuser. The lady in the elevator just stands there and the comment was "if only it were that easy". Too often there are situations that could be helped and not enough people speak up. You just may be that childs saving grace. Good luck. Please update to let us know what happens.

I would call child protective services again. They have to respond to each call and no one will know where the call came from. The mom would never know that it was you. We called on some old neighbors for neglect. The dad would put the kids in the crib at 6 at night with milk and basically leave them there crying until they fell asleep, just a ton of neglectful things. The oldest one would be responsible for getting her and her two younger sisters dinner at the age of 5. The dad would drink and leave the kids unattended, although in the same house, just separate floors (you don't leave a 2 year old unattended all night.) It broke my heart. My husband was there one night and the daughters asked the dad to tuck them in and he told them to tuck themselves in, not even a kiss. We called the next day. The problem is, they need to walk into a situation where the parent is drunk or they are unattended so it is hard to catch. Each time someone calls, there is a record. If the files keep building, the case gets stronger and stronger. At least you will feel like you didn't stand there watching a child suffer.

I would also suggest that you stay a strong role model in his life and keep building a trusting, open relationship. You are exactly what he needs. Call when you know she left him home alone so they can respond and find him unattended.

It's hard to stomach. Take care.
C.

J. first and formost continue to love and help this child daily no scratch that do it by the minute. Secondly I agree about turning it in but..... CPS is so backed up sometimes it takes them a while to get there call 911 and report that a child is left alone. If the police are involved CPS has to act more quickly, they investigate more throughly and devote more time to the child unfortunately because the police are involved. I know this from first hand experience with one of my grandchildren, we turned her mother in several times and they always investigasted but just too late after the evidence was gone. Finally we called 911 spoke to an officer reported they ( she has a younger brother, not my son's child )were left alone. Officers came out found the wandering the in the back yard at 11 p.m. and removed them then and there and it was up to their mother to explain to a Judge as to why her children were left alone. I hope that this helps you. I am praying that this Child will continue to have Angels such as your self watching over him.

J. -
I was in a similar situation several years ago with a friend of mine allowing her children to spend time alone with their CONFIRMED child molesting step-grandfather, and being mad at ME because I wouldn't bring my children over for birthday parties, etc. when he was going to be there. This child has reached out to you for help by confiding in you about his situation. You say he has little family to help him out - he obviously wants help or he wouldn't be confiding in you about how bad it is. As I see it, you have several options. 1) Call CPS again, since the situation by the sons own account has gotten worse and is a daily thing. You can let CPS take it from there. However, consider that a lack of family support could end up in a worse situation for him, being shipped to foster care. 2) Let this child know you are ready and willing for him to come to your house or stay over ANY TIME. Give him a safe place to stay when things at home aren't acceptable, day or night, 24-7. This prevents authorities from stepping in and removing him but on the flip side, it doesn't really give him any closure or end to his mother's destructive behavior.
All I can really say is that when the well-being of a child is at stake, you have to do whatever it takes for you to be able to sleep at night and look yourself in the mirror should a worst case scenerio play out and this mother's behavior does irreparable damage to this child - or God forbid, causes his death. You have to be able to know that you didn't just sit on this child's confidences in you and do nothing because the mom might be P.O.'d and not talk to you again.
I called CPS in the case of my friend - I couldn't stand the thought of one of those kids being molested and I knew it was a possibility and sat by doing nothing. The call was made anonymously so it did not interfere with the friendship, although it had cooled significantly already, and it was a wake up call to her that what she was doing was unacceptable -and that to continue it was risking losing her kids.
Good luck with this situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you AND this young man!!

This is a really tough situation. You don't want to confront the mom and loose contact with the boy. Let him know that your home is a safe place for him, and that he can come to you for help. Your family will also help him remember what a family is really supposed to be like. Is there any other family for him nearby, grandparents, etc.? If there comes a time to call CPS, then you would have a family member to contact instead of just sending him into the system. Good luck, my heart goes out to him.

J.,

This make my so sad to hear of a child going through this at such an early age. You are truly the only lifeboat that this child knows. I would call child protective services for the sake of this young boy and continue to call until you get a positive response. If something ever happened to him you would always wonder if you should have done more to help him.

I feel he will grow up and one day thank you for your intervention. Every child deserves more than this type of treatment.

Let us know how it goes.

I would call Protective Services because the child should not live under those conditions.

My heart goes out to you and your child because it puts you in the middle of the awful situation.

If you are a spirital person, defiantly put it into prayer first and let God guide you.

The child needs to be put in foster care until the mom cleans herself up. Call child protective services again. This isn't much different that knowing a friend who's drunk sits behind the wheel of a car. Friends don't let friends.... your son it a friend. You like this friend. So be the best friends he's ever had.

I agree with the others that another call needs to be made to CPS. Also, keep him at your house as much as you possibly can for sleepovers or whatever. I know it gives mom more opportunity to party but at least you know he is safe. This is really a tough situation because if there is no family then the boy will go into foster care. If you are in a position to do so, you can let them know when you call that you would be willing to take the boy into your home to keep him out of foster care. If you aren't in a position to do so that is perfectly understandable also. You have your family to think of first.

Good luck!!

T.

You can encourage him to talk to his tacher, or a Sunday school teacher. Or if there is a pastor that he can talk to. There is usually a hot line that they can talk to also. I know that it is hard to get involved and that you are afraid that you will not be a part of his life if she cuts you off and won't be able to help at all. Please try to contact someone without revealing who you are .

Have the kid stay over at your house if he wants. And try to talk to the mom. If u get no results, call the social worker. Good Luck.

These situations absolutely suck. Unfortunately, I too have experienced something of the like. The most you can do is offer this child a "second" home. I know that it is hard to provide for children that are not your own (financially and emotionally). But it sounds like this kid really needs it. If she is leaving him alone so late at night offer to keep him until she can pick him up. This way he's not by himself all the time. Some nights he might just stay the night with you. He's needs some kind of stability and it sounds like he maybe able to find some with your family. I'm sure it sounds overwhelming. But you will truly be blessed. I hope it all works out.

Whether or not CPS does anything is up to the "system". However you can have the child over and model the "normal" family life. I commend you for loving another child enough to be concerned. Try to show him all the love you can and as often as you can. God Bless.

Hello J.,

you are an angel in his life. if he was confident enough to tell you that it's getting worse then you can do something about it. do you have church where you could invite him and get him more involved along with your son? the message recommending for him to start attending the al-anon meetings it was very insightful. just calling cps won't fix it. can he get counseling at church too. go with your gut feeling. in the meantime, looks like your house it's a refuge for him. I pray this situation improves. ~Carmen~

J., CPS can only enter a persons home if they have a warrant or let in. So if she doesn't answer the door, or wants them to prove their case, they are almost defenseless. A report from a "authority" figure, such as a teacher, conselor, a police officer holds more ground when CPS has to go to a judge to issue a warrant to enter the home. An anonoymus call doesn't work. A credible call has to be proven. Try to keep the child at your house more. Calling cps will eventually get him removed, but he will be out of your family life also. If the situation gets worse, call the police to investigate. Good Luck, B.

I would make another complaint to CPS and be sure to let them know that the boy himself has confronted you since they last checked in on the family and that he is very upset. In the meantime, I would suggest perhaps just showing the little boy lots of compassion and letting him see that people DO care about him. You can try to help him understand that his mother really does love him but she's going through a very difficult time being a single mom. But I think the most important thing is to show him that someone really does care about him. Whether or not the system does anything this time around, you can at least be there for him as a confidante (if you're up for it).

You need to call CPS, and then call CPS and then call CPS again. My mom was a foster parent for 6 years and I have seen what happens to child when they are left in those homes with parents who are out of control for to long. Keep calling. Every call has to be investagated within 24 hours of the report!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me know how it turns out!!!!

Call CPS again. Unfortunately, you can not convince an alcoholic to change. What has driven this mother to drinking we don't know, and should perhaps keep her in our prayers. Therefore, maybe a visit would waken her up to her behavior. You are in a situate that is not in your control other than to call CPS.

Dear J. B.,

First of all, pray and ask God what would be the best thing to do. Secondly, when I read your request the first thing that came to mind was to turn her in to protective services in your area. It would allow her to get free help and perhaps it would force her to get help. She may not realize that this is not normal behavior because she may be following in the footsteps of one of her parents and maybe she cannot deal with the responsibilities of having a child to care for and little or no financial help.

You would be doing her the biggest favor to turn her in. It shows that you care about her and her children. Something horrible could happen to this friend of your son, if it hasn't already. The STATE would get counseling for your son's friend to learn how to deal with the things he has witnessed and experienced because of his mom's alcoholism.

You can do a search for protective services in your area and it would give you the phone number. It's how I got the phone number to turn my own daughter in when she lived in a town very far away from me and I also used this method to find protective services in another town in MI for a friend at work to turn her son's girlfriend in for the way they take care of her grandson.

I would allow your son to continue to be friends with this boy so that you can follow his progress as his mom gets in trouble and gets help or he is placed in foster care and gets parents who will love and care for him the right way.
Hopefully he will not have to be placed in foster care and she will wake up before it gets to that point. The STATE usually want to keep the kids with the parents whenever possible and give them plenty of chances to do the right thing.

The mom needs help, too. I agree with praying that God will help her to see that what she is doing is wrong. If God opens her eyes to what she is doing by all of her drinking, then she will see that she has to do something about her addiction to alcohol herself.

I liked the idea someone else stated that you allow him to stay with you a lot and then get into the foster parents classes to get licensed. Then you could get financial assistance so it would not be as much a drain on your finances to take in one more child.

One thing you would have to deal with if you get this little boy as a foster child that no one else addressed is jealousy by your son that he has to share his mom and dad more with this little friend of his. You don't want your son to feel that he is not as important to you as this other little boy who is a dear friend of his. Ask God to give you ideas of what you can do to help your son feel just as loved as ever and still be able to love on this little boy.

This is a very difficult situation but if you don't step in and try to get him help, perhaps nobody else will care enough about him or see what you see to even know that he needs help because kids often hide their pain so well that no body else can see or hear what you hear. He may not feel safe enough to tell anybody other than you because he has known you for so long. Perhaps his grandparents have tried to get help for this young woman and got nowhere so they eventually gave up and just pray for the grandson from a distance.

L. C.

When I saw this it brought back lots of memorys. My mom was that same way.Thing will get worse before they get better.If you think your up to it if you Child severes know also let them know you would be willing to help the boy out. My guess is that the boys father is not in the picture and she would know let him go live with him for her own reasons. The best thing for your sons friend is to have someone that will be there for him no matter what. I can tell you the boy is in for some rough roads ahead and will need someone he can turn to even if he stays with mom. He will need someone that can guide him into the right direction and give him the emotional support he is going to need to deal with when mom finely bottoms out. I wish you all the best with this and can do what is best for the boy and your family.

Well, this is tough isn't it? But.....the boy is looking to you for help so you've got to do something. I would definatly make a call to child protective services and explain to them why you're calling and where you might get appropriate help. I am a big believer that we, as adults, have the responsibilty for every child. Also, when you know he's alone go get him and have him stay at your home. It is illegal to have an 11 year old home alone. Good Luck, will look forward to a follow up and see what happened.

Dear J.,

What a tough spot. I would call protective services again, especially if you know when the child is home alone at night. If the Mom's behavior has changed and she is now abusive, they need to know. Anther option is to wait until school starts and talk to the principal and counselor. The child can then start counseling (hopefully) in school to learn how to deal with his life. Plan C, is if you know for sure this child is alone nightly, perhaps you could take him to Al-Alon meetings, or some other support group specifically for pre-teens with alcoholic family members. At his age, if alcohol is so readily available, he needs alcohol prevention intervention to avoid duplicating his mother's behavior. Bless you for being concerned, it takes a village.

Help this child in any way that you can! But, be sure the information is accurate. I had a child tell me that her brother was threatening her with a knife and her mom didn't believe her. I had to report it because I work in the schools. Boy, what I mess! Turned out the girl just wanted attention from a mom who worked too much. Quite a pickle.

Good luck!

S.

J.. First I want to commend you for your efforts with this child and his life. Not many people step in now a days when they know a child is in danger. Confronting the mother isn't going to do much good, if she's an alcoholic it'll just put her on the defense. I have a couple things to throw out at you here. I come from a family that has done foster care since I was 10 (now 28) so I have seen children from all different backgrounds. An emotionally abusive parent can cause as much damage as a physically abusive parent.

This boy needs to remain comfortable with you so he can continue to confide in you. He's old enough to understand the situation at hand. You can talk to him and tell him your position on it, that you feel he's living in an un-safe situation. Don't label his mother, even though he knows she's wrong he will stick to her defense. Keep in contact with CPS. you can never call enough. Seriously. If you know the boy is at home alone for more than 30 minutes- call CPS. If you know she went on a drunk rage at him, call CPS. CPS can only find things wrong when you notify them.

Another thing to think about is this... you (and your husband if married) can talk about taking this boy in. And you can make CPS aware of that. In michigan the state will place a child in a non-foster home under emergency basis. You then complete your foster care classes which are usually once a week for a month... Obviously this boy trusts you to a great magnitude and that possibly might be the best situation for him. PLUS, that would put mom in a state of being checked on by CPS and having constant blood alcohol levels taken. Just an idea.

I hope it goes well. Don't forget to pray for this mom also. She's in a sad part of her life, she's sick with an addiction and she can't get out. Remember that. In wanting to help this child compassion for the sick parent is also needed.

Good Luck!

You are his angel. I would always make sure that he knows that your door is always open for him and that he is welcomed at your home. It's the only refuge he's got, poor kid. Maybe, if the mom's situation improves with intervention, you could offer to help her with caring for him (just so that nothing bad ever happens to him). I understand where you are coming from. I have a neighbor child who visits me daily for the past 5 years because there is always alot of drama going on in her house. My own daughter moved in with her dad a a while ago, and this was her best friend. Since my daughter's been gone, this little girl has somehow adopted my husband and me as her spare parents. She'll spend hours at my home just entertaining my son, going grocery shopping with me, and even helping me cook. She knows she is welcomed at my home and it makes me feel good that I can help her out when things are hard at home. It takes a village to raise a child. I'm a firm believer that God hands us these situations because he knows we can handle them.

Warm regards,

MC