Divorce Pending (His Choice) Seeking Advice to Help Our 7 Year Old Son Adjust

Don't let communication get nasty. If dad lets him stay up then he gets to stay up, as long as he is not being abused or neglected stay out of what he does at dad's house, you get no control there. Try to turn it around and imagine how you would react if your ex told you what to do with your son during your nights. I know it is not ideal and you just want him to get good sleep, ect, but now you have to let go of some of that control and know that a few hours lost sleep here and there is not going to hurt him in the long run. What will make this easier on him is for his Mom and Dad to do their best to get along and work together and not try to micromanage each other.

I would also consider getting your son into therapy so he as a safe third party he can talk to about what he is feeling without worrying that he might hurt Mom or Dad's feelings.

My friend is going through this now. I will say in her case, the dad has kept it up.

In her case, things got nasty but she has managed to convince him to keep it as light and respectful as possible for the sake of the child. She kept stressing that ... every time. I think it sunk in.

She didn't engage in any of the other stuff (just let the comments go).

Good luck - I imagine it's incredibly difficult, keep strong :) Sounds like you are doing well on your end so far, just realize he can't keep up the Disney dad thing forever, so maybe it will settle into just being a decent dad (let's hope).

I understand how stressful this is. You're still getting used to the situation, and you are in a new apartment which makes things quite different for your son. My husband has 2 children and I can tell you we had the other side of it - trying desperately for him to be able to see his children and having his ex oppose him at every turn. My husband was the hands-on, homework-helping dad, while she was the Best Friend Mom - kids out until all hours with her backstage passes at rock concerts, for example. But in those days the mom made all the decisions and the court didn't care.

If you can take the emotion out of it (no matter how infuriating your ex is), it will help you and your son in the long run. If your ex can't sustain the Perfect Daddy routine, you'll know soon enough. As much as you can, let the schools and teachers and doctors deal with him directly, rather than have you be the one dispensing the info. Any emails you get, forward to him. Give him the school website for activities and so on, and let him check on things.

Try not to sweat the school work right now. You don't want to neglect basic skills, but your child is 7, and so if he misses a few homework assignments or is under the weather on the mornings after Daddy's nights, it's not going to be disastrous. These class grades are not going to be submitted to colleges. If there's a persistent problem, have the teacher note the dates (since your ex is not on a specific schedule) and then have her call a parent-teacher conference. If he doesn't show or if he disses her concerns, just document it. I know you don't want it to continue long term, but it's April and your child is still getting used to the situation. If worse comes to worst, just let the school year end and the summer come, and then deal with things in September. I know it's frustrating but you have to try to take the long view here.

I agree about co-parenting education, and family therapy if needed. You can start by having the teacher refer your son to the school psychologist or to someone for remedial, make-up work if he's behind in essential skills like reading. Let Dad come to the assessment meetings and get a copy of any IEP or other plan.

Try very hard not to intervene in his parenting unless there's a clear danger. Sometimes it makes the difficult parent dig in their heels even more. Whatever you do, don't quiz your son about what goes on at Dad's house - Dad's house/Dad's rules, your house/your rules. Don't put your child in the middle. My husband's ex did that and it is still a mess decades later in terms of the children's world view and ways of dealing with conflict.

Good luck!

Family counseling, and quick.
The counselor will reign him in and remind him that your son needs a stable and consistent parenting from both if you.
The counselor can help the 2 of you make a plan and make agreements about what your child will need.

I was a child of divorce. I held in a lot of feelings to protect my mother and stay out of my fathers issues.

Be sure to inform the school and teachers that all of this is going on. They will be able to keep an eye on your child and it will also allow them to feel open to communicate better with you.

Remind your son that you both love him. And you both expect him to continue to do his best. To make good choices. To feel free to share his feelings at any time, but you will not allow him to become an entitled twit.. Because you know he is better than that. And you love him too much to alow that.

IMO, read up on coparenting and parallel parenting. Keep things businesslike, as much as possible. It's about the kid, not each other. Family counseling is a good idea. Have your son visit the school and see if there are any groups or activities that he could join in the summer to meet new kids from his school.

In my experience, anybody who wasn't stepping up and then suddenly does to the Nth degree will burn out.

If you have not already done so, tell the school and teachers of the new arrangement. My sks' teachers knew exactly what Mondays followed their mother's weekends, and what projects where done on her time (we didn't tell them specifically, they just figured it out). Ultimately it is between the teacher and the kid what gets done and what grade they get. My SS was always better about being self-motivated than SD was. We made sure their mom had the same newsletters and forms that pertained to her that we did, but she had access to the same school calendar we did, so we didn't remind her about 3 day weekends unless she seemed to have forgotten.

I would also expect the divorce itself to affect schoolwork and school behavior and would give him time to adjust.

Also, whatever you decide, stick with it a while. Kids need to know "Monday through Weds, I'm with Mom and Thurs through Sunday I'm with Dad". Everyone wants to see their kid every day, but sometimes it can be worse to do that vs week on/week off or the NCP having every other weekend and holidays.

ETA: My sks' mom works retail, too, so holidays were especially hectic. If you don't yet have a court order about the schedule, please try to get one. The kid needs to know what house he's going to after school, if he can leave his lunchbox there overnight, etc. I realize that your ex is not in total control, but many people can say "I always need Wednesdays because that's the night I'm scheduled to keep my son overnight."

Also, re: differences, unless the child is in danger, I'd let a lot ride. My sks knew what they could get away with in both houses, just like they knew what would or would not fly between home and school. It often took a day or two to readjust (another reason for a schedule) but the kids remembered that we don't eat in front of the tv soon enough.

It'll be OK. Keep the long view.

It's odd he was never involved before, was he not living with you guys when you were married? If his natural style is hands-off, then this Disney dad (they do exist, I know several) phase will probably pass somewhat over time. He's treating your son like a buddy and a new roommate with the late nights, but eventually he'll get tired of it. It's much easier to put a kid to bed early on a school night than to deal with the scary mornings, so hopefully he'll learn that over time. Also, will your ex REALLY want to stay up late with a kid playing video games forever?!! Maybe, but probably not. And if so, you'll have to find a way to work around it. I don't blame you for being frustrated. Try not to be too negative or he'll (the ex) rebel. Wait it out. Praise the good. Keep a good structure at your home. If you can swallow your disapproval and say things like, "It was so great how you ____You're such a good dad. You should really give yourself a well-deserved break and put him to bed early to make your school mornings better...." It goes over better than more blunt phrasings...

See if the judge or court liaison will formally suggest co-parenting classes. It would be nice for the kids if all divorced with routine shared custody required this step.

You can always ask for a parenting coordinator through the courts (kind of pricey). He or she will make recommendations about what you both should be doing for your child.

Are you in counseling? Especially your son? If not, that would and should be your first step.

My only advice is to:
Try to remember why you chose this man in the first place
And then realize that men do things differently than woman, across the board in every way. The Dad relationship has just as much merit as The Mom side, so try to relax, break out the baseball gloves & play catch with your son when he gets home from Dads & he will use you as a sounding board at that time, if he feels the need. 💜

Everything will be OK Mom.