How to Deal with Ex Wife???

I agree with Toni V., about communicating in writing (keep copies) and making things legal and saying you want him evaluated. If she continues this angry/irrational/bitter behavior, without concern for doing what is best for the child, then maybe she should not be the custodial parent!
I am guessing they have not been divorced very long...sounds like she is still in the marriage in her mind, while her ex-has moved on, and she doesn't like that. Maybe she acts this way at home with her son, bad-mouths his dad all the time, etc. This is very harmful to kids (and not just to their grades!)

I have two words, Co-Parenting Classes (or counseling.) Your husband can request it in court. He can also request that his son be allowed to go to homework club. He can request all kinds of things and work it out with the mediator and the attorneys and it can ALL be put in to court order. Unfortunately, he has to be the one to speak up for himself, his son and you.

Feel free to ask me for more info about court. I have been through it a number of times.

A.

At this point there is still to much bitterness for you to deal with this situation. You and your husband need to have a face to face with her with your husband doing most of the talking and you can tell her you are not trying to replace her as mom and as a unit you just want to help him excel in school and take some of the pressure off her. She will not respond well if she feels she is being attacked. You control how you will react to situations. If you let her get to you it will so don't.

D.,

I have been a stepmom for 15 years. I have been through this EXACT same situation with my (step)daughter.

The problem is the mother. She is threatened by you, which makes her very insecure, so she is trying to control whatever she can to limit the relationship between you and HER son from growing.

Now, I KNOW you just want to help this boy get through a difficult time in his life. It's NOT just about school, you know, it's about a whole CHANGE in his life. A new stepmom, and new sibling, his mom going crazy with insecurities, etc....

The next time your stepson comes over, I would talk to him. I would tell him, in the most loving way, how much you care about him, and how much you can't wait to know him better because he's such a great young man. THEN tell him your concerns about his grades, and how you really want to help, but there is a problem. Tell him (delicately) that his mom isn't sure she wants him to have a stepmom, so she's really scared right now. After he understands that, things will be easier for him to understand why his mom does weird things.

Then.....you need to somehow let your husband and ex deal with your stepsons school. He is THEIR child. period.

I know, I know, you just want to help, and you probably can see the "picture" better than his own parents do, but you need to be quiet and let them deal with it. It is in the best interest of your stepson do to it this way. You will naturally become an important part in his life. He will begin to trust you and need you more than anyone because will be the only parent to NOT pressure him for his love.

Today, as a stepmom, 15 years later, my stepkids both live outside the house now. They called me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Before, when they were young, they were NOT ALLOWED to do that. Mother's, I've learned, will say anything when their love with their children is feeling threatened. It is in the children's best interest for the stepmom to back-off.

Does that mean that I didn't participate in their lives? No! It means I took "baby steps". You have only been married for 2 months, and it takes almost 2 years to establish a secure "playing ground" with his mother. Take it slow.

The thing I would LOVE for you to keep an eye on, is the relationship between your husband and his son. You might need to be the one to nurture it during this difficult time. This is the age where they can become distant anyway. So please keep an eye on that boys relationship with his father. You might need to suggest a "weekly dinner" for just the 2 of them, or something to keep their bond going.

Good luck, D..

~N. :O)

Just try to put yourself in her shoes, I know, that's crazy, but you only know his half of the story, I have two daughters that are from my husbands previous girlfriend, it takes a while but right now your marriage is fresh and whatever happened in thiers did not work, do not let there past destroy your guys present, eventually if it's that bad a judge will see or the child himself will start making his own judgement. Until then there's a new wife, old wife thing and there are kids in the middle, as long as you express your concern to the child without offending his mom it should eventually work. Believe me my girl's mom is no princess, but they have come to figure it out on thier own, and unfortunately the mom may not realize till it's too late, You just be the best mom for him you can be this way when he needs someone he knows he has you. And don't always be in the background of a conversation, that just makes things worse. And if your husband chooses to take the phone calls, let that be his stress, the less you let someone know how they effect you the less they will try, and if they continue the same actions, go ahead let them make an a** of themself.

I agree with the others as well. The mother is dealing with it the wrong way. I know she is very hurt still and it's is so hard to have someone else come in and say what to do with her son. I know all intentions are good, but it still hurts. But in no way should she be behaving like she is.

But I agree that your husband is the one that needs to deal with it. You might write her and say that you know it's hard for her, but you have the boys interest at heart and just want to help. That you have the time and are more than willing to tutor him. Other than that, I would let your husband deal with her, and maybe a letter from the teacher requesting the make up tests and tutoring. Have copies sent to you and have the teacher write about how the mother has responded. Your husband should keep notes about the abusive and rude phone conversations as well.

Courts do agree with parentng counseling, and it makes a great way for them to see how each parent reacts. And at this age, it helps to have the child see a counselor. The counselor acts as his voice for the courts. The teachers requests and non-responses from the mother should go to the courts. They may either order tutoring or change the custody.

For the meantime, just be there for him and help him with what you can. And know that teachers can be very pursuasive in these situations, so have them help you.

K.

Hi D.

Sounds like instead of you, your husband needs to step up to the plate and stand up to this woman. I know you want to help out, but at the same time, perhaps he needs to let the ex know that she cannot step all over him or you for that matter and for the sake of their son, try and be civil. Not to mention to help the kid bring up is grades, in the end it's what is best for the child that counts. I know it probably hurts the Exs pride to have another person offer to tutor her child, but hey if it means the child gets better grades, then someone (your husband) ought to try and talk sense into her. if not, leave it to the courts, even have a teacher testify on the child's behalf and make a suggestion to the court that the child needs a tutor, this way even if it isn't you, the court can possibly put it in writing so that the child can get the help he needs. sounds like your stepson is paying the price for the separation... and the courts understand that, be sure and bring all this up when you go to court.. keep good notes.

Dear D.,
I responded to your post yesterday as well.
All I can tell you is that I have been exactly where you are. I know how frustrating it is. It definitely makes it very difficult when starting out a new marriage in the first place, let alone issues with the ex and kids.
Ultimately, I went to counselling. My husband refused to say anything to his ex-wife or his son and bought into their attempts to make trouble. My husband refused to go to family counselling and was furious that I went, but it was obvious that the only person I had any control over was myself and how I handled things. After all, I had a young and impressionable daughter from a previous relationship and the whole thing was just not good at all. (My step-son's grades were worse than yours, in fact, he cut school 43 out of 45 days, the school called my husband urging him to deal with it and he did. He dealt with it by rewarding him). I even caught my step-son going through the desk in our office and reporting on the phone to his mother how much money was in our checkbooks, etc. I don't think money or bills, etc is ANY kids business...that's adult stuff. But, once again, my husband didn't so much as say that the desk is off limits. I was told to butt out...that his son was just proud of him. I was treated like I was a crazy person, so I went to counselling. I really hope that your husband will be willing to go with you and I think that you, your husband, and the ex-wife would benefit from co-parenting classes. Any animosity or issues can be dealt with there so the kids can benefit from parents who are trying to work through it all.
Like I said, I was the only one willing to go so I went by myself. It gave me a chance to share my frustration and have some level-headed feed back.
On one hand, it's only been two months, so there will obviously be a period of adjustment and further bumps down the road, but please consider counselling. Once resentments build, it's hard work to undo it.
Things got REALLY bad when I got pregnant, and I hate to bring it up, but my marriage didn't survive. I don't blame anyone but my ex-husband. I went to counselling alone, I was in that marriage alone. One person can't make it work.
Hopefully you and your husband can set about making sure there is a different outcome for you and work together to learn the tools you need to weather all the storms that life can throw at a marriage.
I wish you the best.

D.-

There is a class called "Smart Steps for Step Families" starting in Yuba City next week if you are near. It addresses issues like this, roles as parent/step-parent etc. I strongly suggest you look it up online and find a class near you. You & hubby need some help before you are the ex because of the stress. 2nd marriages with kids have a 75% divorce rate (could've gone up since last I heard). Dont try to solve this on your own, talk to your husband about getting some tools to make your marriage & family life a better place for you, and the children who suffer most from divorce.

Also I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think you can do anything about the ex's responses, but I wouldn't fight her or your husband. You can only control your own response to the situation.

Good luck to you.

D.

Well unfortunately when there is an ex involved, things are not always easy. Fortunately, my ex husband, his new wife and I had to get along for the kids' sake.

Perhaps your husband needs to contact his attorney and this matter needs to go to court to make arrangements for the child because the child is the important person here, not you, his mother or dad.

I read through some of the resposne first and agree with most that the mother is threatened by you and as a step-mom you have to take a back seat in this.

I have been a stepmom for 6 years now. and for the first 3 yrs. My stepdaughter lived with her mother. When I came into the picture, my husband was refused almost all of his visitation, she wasn't allowed to go to our wedding and my husband went a 7 month period before he was able to see his daughter because the mother was so threatened by me and my potential relationship. phone calls were never returned and we had to eventually go to court to resolve the matter.

My stepdaughter has lived with us primarily for the past 3 yrs, with little to no visitation with her mother.

So here is what I would suggest:

1. Be in the same page as your husband, if you and your husband are disagreeing on issues with his ex and his son, that is not good at all. It will only cause problems between your relationship with your husabnd and you will become resentful. I went through this phase in the beginning of our marriage. He would listen to everything his ex would say and then he would come to me and start in on me about how he was hurting is daughter by being with me and it was tearing him apart because he wanted his daughter to be happy, etc. After visitaitons, his ex would call and say that his daughter felt left out and like she wasn't apart of our new family, etc. and I would look at him and say "open your eyes", you just had visitation with your daughter and did she act like a child who was being left out. Eventually he got the picture...

2. Stay out of it... As much as you want to help, you cannot. You can only help your realtionship with your husabnd by creating a united front and let your stepson know that you're there if he needs you. I became heavily involved from the beginning thinking I could do more for my stepdaughter and give her a better life. Yes, I know that I give her a better life and do more for her than her mother ever did, but the fact is that that is her mother and her mother will always be #1. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. And in order to save my sanity, keep myslef happy and not continue to get hurt, I let my husband handle everything.

3. Let your husband deal with all discpline issues with son and ex-wife issues. Like I said before I became heavily involved in the begginning thinking that by me intervening that I was helping and it was not. Mother became only more threatened by me and stepdaughter eventually started to resent some of the things I was doing. She alwyas wanted to know why I spent more time with her and did school functions and her mother never did and why can't her mother be more like me and she evenutally started acting out towards me and blaming me for her problems with her mother. And then whenever her mother we do 1 little thing it was all she would talk about for weeks on end and my feelings would be so hurt because here I was raising her and caring for her, getting her to do better in school taking her to tutoring, meeting with teachers and she gave me nothing but attitude. So I have learned to step out of picture a lot and let me husband handle it.

4. My stepdaughter does counseling every two weeks, my husband is taking a parenting class on how to raise troubled child because that is what we are dealing with now. For you, I would reccommend counseling for your stepson, a parenting class for you and your husband on blended families and co-parenting, if your husband can rally the ex to take the class the better. You can find these classes through the community, usually like a Family Stress Center type facility, also when you go to Court over custody/visitation issues it looks better on your end if you and your husband are in a parenting class and usually the mediator at court can provide a reference. Check with your doctor, I know Kaiser has the resources for these classes as well.

5. Back to on the same page as husband, If an issue arises with the ex or my stepdaughter, my husband always confers with me first before he makes a decision, so I am not totally out of the picture where I have no say in anything, I do. But everyone else just doesn't know it because he is the one who addresses this issue with him NOT me.

Best of Luck! And realize that your stepson is going through a lot and school will suffer as a result of the emtional instability he is being put through right now. The best thing for you to do, is let him know that you are there for him if he needs it, if dad can spend "one-on-one" time with him the better and if dad can rearrange his work schedule to accomodate picking him up from the afterschool program the better, mom will be less threatened by dad.

And yes, eventually the mom will get over it. It took my husband ex 6 yrs. and counting, she is getting better, but it took her losing her daughter in a custody battle to open her eyes and begin to understand that what she was doing was not helping, but she still has her moments.

All the best!