Divorce~ Is It the Answer???

Hi...I am going threw the same thing right now. I have the same problem. Contact me and maybe we can talk togather.

Thanks
A.

Hi C.,

First let me say that you need to stop talking to this other person while you are deciding what to do about your marriage. THis other person is going to clogged your judgement and whether you get a divorce or not it should be a decision that is influenced only by you. I have a very close friend who went through a similiar situation, she was talking to another man and became emotionally involve and it is my opinion that emotionally involved is worse than physically involved. She divorced her husband, stopped talking to the other man and now is completely alone and wishiing she would have worked on her marriage. My suggestion to you especially since kids are involved is seek counseling for just you at first and then invite your husband to come with you and do it together. You owe yourself, your husband and your children to at least try. If after you have given your marriage a genuine effort and you still feel the way you do today then move in the direction of a separation or divorce. I personally believe that your marriage deserves a strong and genuine effort. I hope you take this to heart and consider all your options but please in the mean time tell you "friend" that you need to stop talking for now while you figure out the future of you and your kids. Also keep in mind that every new relationships seems perfect at first but ask yourself is the grass really greener on the other side or does it just seem that way.
I hope you do not take this offensively this is just my personal opinion. Good luck.

Hi C.. I'm a wife and mother of 2 teenage kids, and I've been married to my husband for 19 years. I've been where you are at. I met my husband in March and we were married by November. That is the longest that I had known him at the time. There was a time when I was in love with him, and now, I just love him. I don't know if this is your case, but when we were younger, money was limited, and so we were not able to go out for a "date night". So, tending to 2 small kids was very hectic and before I knew it, I was in a rut. I wondered if there was something more out there. I started talking to another man. I only knew one thing, and that is that I wanted to be happy. I decided to make my mind up then, what was I gonna do, stay with my husband, who did'nt see anything wrong with our relationship, or date this man that seemed to bring some excitment into my life. My first thoughts were about my responsibilities. I had 2 children who looked for all of lifes answers in me. I thought, that if I got with this other man, that it would crush them, and I was loving my kids more than life itself, and I decided that that would not be a good move on my part, so I stopped talking to the other man. I'm glad that I made that decision because although, I am still not in love with my husband, I do love him, he is a good man. I've come to the conclusion that I can't change anyone, no matter how hard I try. As long as your husband is not hurting you or the kids in any way, I would give it a little more time. Now that we both are older now, we are more at peace with each other and content. I'm so glad that I made that decision. I hope that this helps you.

In my opinion you first need to stopping talking to someone else unless this "someone" is a relationship counselor. I highly recommend you start talking to a professional family counselor and let them help you decide if divorce is the answer.

Here is a list from the "Lists to Live by for the Married Couple" book.

1. It rarely solves the problem
2. It is a financial disaster
3. It blocks personal growth and maturity
4. It sets you up to repeat your difficulty with someone else
5. It hardens your heart
6. It weakens your faith
7. It increases your loneliness
8. It devestates your children
9. It hurts friends and relatives
10. It impacts your legacy

You, your husband and your children deserve so much more. If you do not feel like you are in love with your spouse, do something to change that. Divorce is not the answer!

have you considered marriage counseling. sometimes an outside unbiased person can help a troubled couple hash out the issues at hand and help you to both learn better comminication skills. many churches offer free or nearlt free services.

First of all, your feelings are okay. Feelings come and go. I think you owe it to yourself and to your children to do this in the right order, though. Do not be spending energy on a relationship outside your marriage. That is emotional cheating and it is making this other person an enemy of your children, and of your marriage. Many people find that, as years go by, the flame seems to fade a bit and every flaw our spouse has is like a blinking neon sign. Get yourself to a counselor ASAP and take this other guy OUT of the equation so you can focus on your family.

I think a lot of us would think it would be a great deal of fun to toss our husbands out and meet someone new and get that whole 'madly in love' thing again. That kind of passion is incredible, right? BUT, and this is a big BUT, you are dragging your kids along for this ride, you are torturing their father along the way, and you are setting this new guy up to be the enemy of your children--the man who split their family apart. Is that gonna be a fun role for him, after the roses and sparkles wear off?

Please, see a counselor, and take your husband along if you want, but please give this family a chance before giving up and moving on because you got denied your youthful adventures. perhaps divorce is the best thing for your whole family, but perhaps working on yourself and your relationship with your husband is the best thing for your whole family.
Big Fat Know It All, Jessica

C.. I have been exactly in your shoes. I married within 3 months of graduating high school, was pregnant at the time. I continued to have 2 more children in quick succession. I was married for a total of 8 years, have 3 daughters, and believe me...it was not an easy situation to be in, nor to get out of.

I did not look at divorce as the 'easy way out'. I did not look at it as 'getting out of the situation'. Here are the facts as I see them;

1. No matter what your decision ultimately is, you will have to deal with this man for the next 17 years. You have a young child together. He isn't going away, nor should you expect the problems to either.

2. Your children will adjust. They are kids, it is what they do. You are not happy and your children can and do sense that. If you cannot make your marriage a healthy environment (and keep in mind the environment of divorce) what would be better for their state of mind?

3. Bringing in another person to this relationship will cause an explosion. First of all, it opens everyone to pain, which is not good in the situation. Second, you do not need to be jumping from one relationship to another. You need time to reflect, heal. Third, if this is truely "the one" - then they'll wait.

My advice to you is this. Sit down and talk to your husband, without the kids around. Lay it all out on the line. If you want to make it work, you need to both be on the same page. If you have already made up your mind that the relationship will not work, then there is little point to this. Either way, you need to make steps for change.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I have been divorced for four years now, I have 3 daughters that are growing everyday, are seeing their mom happy, healthy and confident. I believe because they see me happy, they are happier as children. I do not believe divorce will crush a child, as long as you keep everyone on the same page. Lots of communication is in order here.

S.

If you still love your husband, there is hope. First, I would tell you to STOP talking to whoever it is you are talking to and stay away from each other. If this person is a true friend, they would back off. I am also a child of divorce. My mother did the same exact thing you are. It has been 15 years and our relationship still isn't the same. You know divorce is a terrible thing. To me, it is like a death of someone you love so much and it hurts forever. I believe you and your husband need counseling and alone time. Time to reconnect with each other and fall back in love!! Your family(children) deserve it. I try to always remember; God first, family second and myself last. Most days it is hard to remember this, but your kids are worth it. I wish you all the luck in the world and you and your family are in my prayers!

C.
hello, i also had a very fast marriage but its wonderful on my end and his, we love each other very much.
But in my relationships of the past i always found if you can find yourself interested interested in another person then chances are your marriage is not going to work in the first place.
during previous relationships i have found myself finding others attractive , even find myself trying to be able to be around these people more, not like dating but like working more hours if i know there were, etc.
anyhow even in the one most remembered relationship of my past i was for sure he was the one, i was so in love with him, he just wasnt with me, i thought he was just awsome and no one could take my heart from him,i found him very attractive, very handsome and somewhat of a mystery and i loved that, he was always hard to get even living together but when i met my husband i realized that my x was history and the man i am married to now is the one i was meant to be with, so if your interested in some one else then your not meant to be with who you are with now.
If your not happy not even counciling is going to make you love him the way your suppose to and eventually not only are you going to be unhappy so are your kids.
In the end you can only do what you feel is right and not what anyone tells you, this is just my opinion and my experiences.
good luck and pray about it.
A.

My heart goes out to you. You do have your young hands full. I too was a very young bride and mom. I beilieve I know how and what you are feeling.Though talking to someone new at this point feels good and seems like a good idea. I encourage you to come to an understanding of what you must do about the situation you have now, before you take on a new "relationship". That will most likely compound and confuse the one you have now with more problems that you do not need to deal with. You must express your unhappiness to your husband, now. Write a letter. Get a sitter and go to dinner. Get feelings on the table eg., how you feel how you hurt. Suggest councling do what ever it takes to save the marriage and be happy. See your doctor , let them know how you are struggling too. If when you feel you have done everything possible. Then concider what can be done for the sake of the children to live peacefully and raise them apart IF that's what you decide. Realistically. No one getting hurt is probablly not going to happen. But you can "damage control" by being honest supportive and open to the changes you know you need to be happy. See a doctor as well.Be pro-active and try your best to do what is good for the children.Put them first do what it takes to be a happy mom for them....

It sounds to me like a 5-7 year itch. I can give you my experience. I have been there. My husband and I went through marriage counseling and I went through personal counseling and we are going on 11 years now. We have three kids. We both came from homes that were 'broken.' We decided we did not want to do that to our children and now, with the help of God and our faith in Jesus, we are more in love now than we were before. If you want to make it work, I suggest a book-Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Read it together, you and your husband and definatly STOP talking to someone else. That will only make things worse. That is my opinion. Someone will get hurt if you continue down that road, you, your husband and your children. You have to make the decision of waht you want and then do what it take to get there. Do you want to stay married and work things out? Do you want to rekindle what you had when you made baby number one? You can. I will be praying for you and your family.

no.

divorce is not "your" answer.

Divorce is only the answer if you are being physically abused.

There are many marriage helpers out there.

We attended the "Family Life" Retreat about 10 years ago called "I Still Do" - it was EXcellent! I don't think they have that one anymore but they do have one called "Weekend to Remember" - we have gone to that one a couple times! It is a refresher - refreshes your marriage. We all need to do that often to keep it functioning well. You can check it out at http://www.familylife.com/marriage.asp

We also attended one by "Forever Families" called "Marriage Tune Up" - I think I might recommend that one over the other but they are both great. This one Jeff and Debby McElroy do skits and inbetween (a few times) have everyone do a little "work" that makes it more personal and you learn what your spouse is thinking/feeling. We liked it so much we bought the DVD series that they made. You can check their website out, too... http://foreverfamilies.com/

A GREAT book is the "Five Love Languages" we have been through that book probably 4 times --- it is great to get your spouse to learn what you need and want. Read it together! We studied it with a couples group we were in and we also did it in our Sunday school class twice. It is written by Dr. Gary Chapman you can probably find it in any Christian book store or on www.cbd.com

A "knee to knee" is great, too. That takes about 10 minutes unless you want to spend more time - you sit knee to knee and talk to your spouse with eye contact and then have him repeat back to you what you said - then you know he heard and understood you. Then you can flip sides and listen to him and repeat what he says to you. It really makes you feel cared about and listened to.

I'm sure I could give you more ideas.. those are the ones that come to mind right now.

Contact me if you have ANY questions or just want to talk.

Hi C.! I am going to be bluntly honest with you. In this situation, it seems, right and wrong are not factoring into your decisions (and I think you want someone to tell you that you are right). The reasons for you getting married are not an excuse for why you are unhappy now. However, you are right to evaluate your relationship...just don't do it by yourself. You said your husband is "blind" to your emotions, but how do you know that? It seems that there is not enough communication in your relationship. Fix this first by speaking to a counselor if you can't open up to your husband.
Also, you should immediately cut off ties to this other person. You owe it to yourself and your family to figure out your issues before creating an even worse situation such as an affair. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want/need before heading into another relationship. I don't know why your parents divorced, but they have set a bad example for you. This does not mean you have to follow in their footsteps. While true that some couples should divorce and some divorces are amicable, there are usually good reasons for this.
We are in similar situations you and I. I am 28, got married after six months of dating and while pregnant, been together for seven years. I have two children and a third on the way. Our marriage has been tested on a few occasions on both sides and if we didn't talk to each other about this with an understanding and trust then I'm sure we would be divorced too. I do not feel I am sacrificing my life by working on a relationship. I know that my marriage is the best because I make it that way. I make my husband and my children a priority and I make sure that I find some time somewhere to relax by myself. You work part-time, which is getting out more than I do and I envy that!! Okay, so I've gone on long enough and you may not even like what I'm saying. Try and think that your husband is the only person in the world who is in the same situation as you and he is the only one who can help you fix it. Whether you are 'in-love' with him or not, he deserves to be a part of your decisions. S. W.

Well I scanned the other posts and there are a lot of good points but i thought of something no one else mentioned . You're young, my age, and you have a lot on your plate, you've been with the same guy, makeing a family and a home while most ppl your age were drinking and clubbing and going to college, you sacrificed a lot and it's a very hard thing to do with no regrets. Regardless of how much you love your kids everyone looks back on some level and thinks wow i wish i had done that. You're in a rut and probally have been for some time and the grass looks so much greener everywhere else. I bet this guy you "talking to" seems damn near perfect and so very different than your husband. I'm divorced, i have three kids, i'm getting remarried in May. My first husband held a knife to my thraot with my kids in the house and i finally left him after years of similar things. I've been engage twice since then three if yu count the current, i felt justified the first time and then figured if i was single i might as well make darn certain i was happy before doing it again, but it's different guys and the same problems, you always get these ruts, you always struggle with money no matter how much you have,or discipline or how you raise yor kids or who does or doesn't do waht around the house, no relationship is perfect add that to the difficulties that come from step families and visitation and it just gets harder, not easier. the grass really isnt any greener anywhere unless you take the time to make it grow and give it what it needs to thrive. the choice is yours, you have to do what you feel is right and maybe it can't be fixed because it will take the both of you to fix it but then again this to shall pass, no relationship marriage or otherwise is without it's tough spots, but in order for a relationship to last you have to work through them, walking away from them doesn't fix them and they always come back. good luck, and if you need anything feel free to message me.

Hello,
I can't say that I have an answer for you, but I would like to offer my opinion. I don't want to bog down my response with details, so suffice it to say that there are a lot of similarities between your marriage and my own. The first thing I want to share with you is what I learned from my own personal experience. A new man will make your husband seem a million times worse than he really is. You know your husband, so you know all his flaws. But no man is perfect - even this new guy you're talking to. In the beginning a person can seem wonderful because you haven't been with them long enough to learn their flaws. And if you already have problems in your marriage, another person will only complicate them more. If you have even the slightest desire to work on your marriage, then you absolutely have to stop talking to this other guy. One of the truest comments I ever heard was from a marriage counselor who said "For your marriage to work, you don't need to be happy all the time. You just need to BE in your marriage all the time." It's about commitment and devotion.

You said your husband is blind to your emotions. I don't know what measures you have taken to make him aware of how you feel, so I can't really comment on that. Ultimately, it sounds like there is a breakdown in communication. The best thing you can do is go to marriage counseling. A neutral 3rd party can be extraordinarily helpful. My husband and I were headed for divorce when I insisted on counseling. We didn't have the time or money, but we made it happen. We both felt that if we were going to end our marriage, we needed to be able to say that we tried our best to fix it. Counseling was the best thing we ever did. We both learned so much about the other just because the counselor asked the right questions. Some of his behavior started to make more sense to me, and he finally understood why I was unhappy. Do we still have problems? Of course. But we know how to deal with them better now.

As you went through it yourself, I don't have to remind you of the numerous ramifications of divorce and how it affects children. You are right to worry about how it would impact your kids. As a mother, you must put them first. It's normal for you to be intrigued by another man when you feel neglected by your husband. But you have to step back, look at all aspects of the situation, evaluate the potential consequences, and make a choice.

Did you think of divorce before you started "talking" to the new guy?

Hi C.
Every marriage has problems. There are ups and downs. I'm married for 15 years now and I thought at one time I had to get a divorce, different reason. I would recommend for you to find a councilor. Not necessarily with your husband at first, but for your self. It helps to get your feelings and emotions straightened out. Once you have taken care of yourself and found out what is missing in your relationship with your husband you can ask him if he would go to. Not much man will. Mine did, but then I didn’t give him much of a choice. Different story again. But a good councilor will not need to see your husband to give tips and tools to help your marriage without him ever seeing him/her. Just you going will make a tremendous difference .And it will help just talking to someone about your situation, without holding anything back.
You feel relieved and have someone that can give you good advice and tips that you can follow, but don’t have too. Ask around and see if someone can recommend a good counselor, or if you don’t have good insurance ask to see someone in your church for counseling. Cunceling is available for free also if you needed. Don’t give up on your marriage yet. I was having problems at about the same time you were 7 years of marriage, now it will be almost 16. My counselor told us that marriage is a work in progress. You always will have to work on it. And it’s true. We still fight, disagree, have different hobbies, different personalities, we are totally different, but we make it work somehow. We found a Hobby that we both liked; believe it or not it was ballroom dancing. He is a red neck and likes to waltz; he did never dance with me before. Anyway try out new things, find a babysitter go out once a week by yourself, for a couple of hours and just be by yourselves. No kids allowed and learn to be a couple again. Talk about everything but the kids and you will have fun with each other. Have dinner, go to the movies. Have dates with each other. You will reconnect with each other that are what we did.
I hope this helped a little. If you would like to talk some more feel free to e-mail me
M.

I would suggest trying a counselor first. He may feel the same way and you dont know it. Which, if you do get divorced, it may be an amicable one. That would be wondeful for the children! However I would tread VERY LIGHTLY talking to someone else. It could make it very ugly for all parties involved. Its totally different if have just grown apart but if the talking evolves into something else he may be very resentful of that and could make the separation unhappy. If you have anyone who can take the kids for a couple hours while you and him talk about seeing a therapist, or just issues in general, that might be a good idea too. That way you both are free to talk about anything and you dont have to worry about the children hearing it.
Good luck
S.

No...I would say it is not the answer. It won't relieve pain or sadness but it will result in more confusion, heartaches, and a painful experience for your children. Although they would recover, the journey through it would be a hard one for any family.

I agree with the other posts....the "someone else" has got to go...cold turkey. It is just confusing the situation and is of no benefit to you. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of marital betrayal will attest to the long-term pain it causes for everyone involved. It extends way, way beyond the two that are married and the "someone else" that is in the picture. And that pain goes on for years.

You probably know the answers already, but marriage counseling is the first choice. I don't know what your spiritual affiliation is, but attending a church together, getting involved with a small group and really connecting to God can really impact your relationship in a positive way. Being surrounded by others that will love, care and pray for you will do wonders for your marriage.

Other moms posted some awesome websites and resources for counseling, marriage renewal weekends, etc. One of my favorite books is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. I believe you can find an "Emotional Needs Survey" based on this book at www.marriagebuilders.com. This will benefit any married couple. Another great book: "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartan.

I encourage you to spend a lot of time this week journaling every good and admirable quality about your husband. Examples: the way he plays with your children, the way he shares a joke with you, the way he can relate to you without even speaking...whatever applies to him and your marriage.
Ask God to open your eyes to the wonder of your husband.

I have also been married 7 years. My circumstances didn't start like yours...I got married at 30, but I do understand that things DO change over time.

God never intended us to go it alone...with HIS help, you can find happiness within your marriage once again.

Blessings to you...

aw hunny i understand! but think of it this way would you rather have your children living in a broken home or come from one... and broken doesnt mean wrong! if your not happy the kids WILL pick up on it! I think you know what you really want and you will realize that soon. good luck!

I really don't think divorce is the answer, at least not before working on your marriage. You're right at that 7-year-itch time. You do love your husband and it sounds like he's happy. As others have said, you need to talk openly with your husband and make time for dates. Find things you enjoy doing together, with or without the kids. I was going to invite you to a marriage conference and workshop at my church, but it looks like you live in a different part of the state. However, I did a quick search and found a marriage ministry in your area: http://www.bindinghearts.embarqspace.com/. Good luck and God bless your family. Let us know what happens.

Obviously, many of us have been in your shoes. I too was married really young and within nine months of our first date. Our daughter followed shortly thereafter. I have been married now nearly 11 years and have found myself at one point to be mentally checked out of the marriage. However, I didn't want to give up. I do love my husband and we have had to learn that marriage and emotions evolve. Marriage is a changing and dynamic relationship and both of you will need to really stay focused all the time. Try to avoid 'attraction distractions' (I quit a job because of my attraction to a co-worker) and make a date night once a month that is a priority. It will help the two of you to reconnect withouth the kids. I think it has helped us tremendously. Marriage is a choice - staying married is too.

Good Luck!

No your not wrong feeling this way at all, obviously something is wrong. But what is wrong is that your talking to someone else. You need to stop any contact with that person, because it will only confuse you more. What you do need to do is talk to your husband, tell him the truth and go to marriage counseling. This way you will get things out in the open and be truthful to yourself and your husband. You put 7 years into your marriage and have had 3 children from it, you at least owe it to your husband and mostly your kids to try and fix what's wrong, and if you can't, then at least you know you tried and it just wasn't met to be. Good luck.

Hello,

The hardest job in the world is tied between being a wife and being a mom... they both have the best rewards you can think of, but they also take the most work, thought, caring, and all you "free" time to keep them on track.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 1/2 years and I'm only 30 yrs old (yes, I married at 17). We have 4 kids (13 yr g, 3 yr g, 2 yr b and 7 mo b) and there have been times when I wonder if I love him or am in love with him... I get flustrated with him often - but when everything calms down - he is the one I'm ment to be with. We both also came from a "borken" and promused eachother we would never do it to our kids. So, I do understand where you are coming from... when someone gives you the attention that you feel you are missing it can confuse you even more! So, for now it might be best to cut off the ties with that other person till you figure out what you want.

As for your hubby not nowing what you are feeling - not to be mean, but most men can't see what their wife is feeling. We need to let them know... maybe it's time to set him down and let him know. Just be ready to hear what he is feeling too. Maybe you could even set up a "date night" and see if you can't find the spark that was once between you two again. If you love him in anyway - there is always hope to save the marrage... but marrage will always require work to keep the flame buring.

I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do... jst remember it doesn't matter who the man is, all relationships take time to keep the flame burning.

Is your husband blind to you emotions because you never tell him what you are feeling? Communication needs to occur on both sides. That is the most important thing in a marriage. You might be surprised to find out that your husband isn't happy either. You are what, 25 now? You never had time to go out and meet other people and explore who is really the right person for you. That doesn't mean that it isn't your husband!! You could get divorced, do the single scene (which with three kids wouldn't be easy) and come to find out that it really is your husband that you want to be with. I married late in life (37) and had a really bad relationship prior to that. That bad relationship really taught me what I wanted in a husband and more importantly what I didn't want. Right now life is getting the kids up, going to work, picking the kids up from daycare, making dinner, playing with the kids and going to bed to do it all over again. Not too exciting but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I fully believe that it is better to be alone than with the wrong person but I truely do not miss the single scene. We have to plan time together, mostly taking vacation days from work and putting the kids in daycare for the day so we can be together. It isn't easy staying connected when your whole existance seems to focus on the kids. You have to work at it! You mention that you are "talking to someone else". If this is a male and you feel attracted, I would tell you to stop immediately. Beginning a new relationship won't solve anything and will only leave you more confused. If that person really means something, they will be willing to wait until you put closure to your marriage if that is what you decide is right.

Good luck,

C.

C.,
Before you consider divorce, please consider counseling. If you love your husband, a good therapist can help you both fall in love again. My husband is a divorce lawyer and trust me, someone is definitely going to get hurt -- maybe not you or your new interest, but definitely the kids. Please give it some more thought.

A.

Hello C.,

I feel you, trust me on this. I got married at 22 to a man I had only known a couple of months. We have 2 daughters together. I felt the same way you do at one point and also was talking to "someone" else. Please don't go that route! It has been 8 years since all that happened with my husband and I and I still feel so bad about it. We did work things out and I am happier than I have ever been. See a counsler with your husband and really try to work things out first. If in the end, you still want out, then do it. Some people think that staying together for the kids is more important, I on the other hand look at what staying together can do to the kids too.
Kid's are not stupid. They see things that we think they don't, and pick up on the feelings between you and your husband.
Talking with someone else will confuse you, because a new relationship is always powerful. Whereas a marriage changes as you grow and some take that as the relationship dying. WHen in all actuality it is the "comfortable" zone. Try things with your husband to bring back all that, it works.

Good Luck!
T.

It sounds like you should work on your current marriage. Adding someone else to the mix right now is not a good idea. I also think you both are needing to seek marriage counceling. If you divorce him he will not understand what is wrong and what went wrong. Marriage is work and it is team work. If he were cheating on you how would you feel and what do you think would happen? Counceling will help you get on the same plan, you can see someone through your church or a paid professional. You are young and to make the decision of dicovorce because you are not happy seems like an excuse.

I went throught the same thing you are going through and tried to stay with my ex-husband but then 2 years later (Together for 10) I left for good, we are still the best of friends and both do stuff with our daughter together all the time. Just sit down and talk to him, the initial shock might take some time but in the end he probably feels the same as you.

Marriages have their ups and downs. Being in love with someone and loving someone are completely different things. I have found that during a marriage you fall in and out of love but you will always love that person in some way. You need to look at what you think your life would be like without that person. Look at every aspect. Were you ever in love with your husband? If you were then you will be again someday.