Divorce/Ex

I grew up with a similar situation, although my dad was not abusive in anyway towards my mom, my mother had ill feelings towards him and therefore did not appreciate my closeness with my dad. I think your child is just eight y/o and they do not understand and nor will they if you try to explain it. As they grow, they will eventually learn that you were their provider and always will be. In the end they will come to you first for support when they realize who their father is. I am sure the reason they "get what they want" is because he is either making up for not being around by buying them things or he is doing it to keep them quiet and happy. At your childrens ages they dont see the pain and effort you go through because it is something you do on a daily basis because you are their mother and have to versus his once in a while parenting. Just know that you are clearly a good mom and kids will say things without the intention to hurt you, they dont always have the ability to think before they speak and if they do - they might not be aware of how painful their words can be. Be consistent and that will be the best for all of you. At your home they expect rules, etc and at his - well - I guess I dont have any real advice for that. Sorry.

If your husband was verbally,emotionally and physically abusive to you wouldn't he be a threat to your kids? or did he go through some form of therapy? If so, then all it takes is a matter of time for your children to be able to understand the personal issues that you had to face while you were together, which would be something for them to know later on in their life.As far as children glorifying the father, that is a natural thing to do, especially when both parents aren't living together. It is their way of coming to an understanding of what has happened. I wouldn't get into what you have and how you pay for things,etc..They aren't going to understand it, and it just isn't necessary to do so. All you need to do is love your children, set examples for them and create a solid foundation.

Dear JM,
From the child's point of view-you are doing the right thing. Speaking negatively about the children's father is only going to make it so that they don't want to talk to you about him-and that could be dangerous if he ever becomes abusive with them.

I am the child of divorced parents, and my Mom never said anything bad about him so that I could form my own opinions. Now, granted, I have decided that my Dad is sometimes a jerk, but I came to that decision myself.

Also, I work for a Domestic Violence agency, and given your history with him, you want to make sure that the line of communication is very open with your children about their visits with him. You want to know right away if he is treating them the way he treated you!!!

I don't think you need to go into who pays for things, but you might want to mention that you are the one that is there when they are sick, or when they need help with homework. And just keep loving them!! All kids go through the "I hate you" stage.

Good luck,
M.

All children of that age thinks the parents are wonderful. And not talking negative about him is the right way to go, no matter what you may think of him. I just dont understand why you would tell an 8 year old what you pay for? Do you really think he will understands that, he only knows he lives in a house and you drive a car and I am sure he doesn't care who got it. Those are Adult conversations, such as money. He loves his Dad no matter what he has done for him. Just do not talk about things they will not understand. And believe me I am not sticking up for HIM. I had one just like him. And I had to swallow a lot of pride, just so I wouldn't harm any kind of relationship they had with their dad. As they become teens, they know who does what. I never had to say a word. Let him think his Dad is a wonderful man at 8. Boys need that. He will grow up so fast, its only a short time before he will have to deal with the real father. Good luck!

My goodness but does what you describe sound all too familiar. My son was just like your boy at almost the same age and I too refrained from talking bad about his dad. My ex rarely bothered with child support and only took his son out when he felt like it, but when he did it was pizza, chips, soda and rides in the truck and on a motorcycle. All VERY attractive to a boy.
In spite of the attraction, you are the sole financial and emotional support for your children. My son stopped talking this way when I told him that his father was now single and dating other women. Kids believe their parents divorce happened because they did something wrong and it's THEIR fault. Things (in their eyes) were always better when mom and dad were together and they'll try anything to make that happen again.
Your son is trying to make you see that dad has everything needed for a family; a house, truck, food and best of all, they get anything they want. In his own way he's trying to say that what dad has is every bit as good/better, so why aren't we living there instead of here?
Not sure this is any help but it IS a common occurence with many divorced mothers.