Divorce? - Inver Grove Heights,MN

Sorry you are going through this. When I got divorced from my x-husband, we agreed on everything, and therefor were able to use a paralegal. It was one of those $99 divorces (this was about 10 years ago) but the fees still can't be that much compared to a regular lawyer. You do have to agree on everything, every single deatil before hand though. If either of you are going to fight for anything, then this wouldn't be the thing for you. It is the cheapest way to go though when there's no bickering going on.

Do not get a divorce yet for the reasons you have stated. You owe it to your marriage to stop your on-line "affair" and seek some professional counseling (marriage, intimacy, and/or individual). Jumping out of this marriage and into your on-line relationship seems fun and exciting but reality will hit soon in the new relationship as well and then what are you going to do? Hop to another new and exciting relationship? You need to address the true reasons behind why the intimacy in your marriage has been so bad. I have an outstanding relationship therapist who saved my own marriage (we were having similar issues as you) and saved a friend's marriage.

If you do decide to go ahead with the divorce then for your kids' sakes do not date anyone for 6 months to a year after your divorce. It is not fair to them for you to jump immediately into a new relationship.

You also need that time to deal with the emotions you have expressed in your post. Why are you afraid to be on your own? Are you bored or depressed about being a SAHM? Why have you and your DH not communicated about your intimacy issues and your unhappiness? These are all things that mature people find a way to understand and work on. If you are not ready to face these types of questions, then you certainly are not prepared to handle a new relationship maturely and successfully.

I don't mean to be harsh but I want you to think of the long term consequences of your actions as it is so easy to get caught up in the moment or try to run from problems. Unfortunately problems have a way of just following us around if we don't turn and meet them head on.

Good luck to you and if you want the name/number of my kickass therapist you can PM me.

wow-thats pretty rough...you can contact legal aide-you didnt state the grounds of your divorce...however you can start saving every dime he gives you then just get out-is he abusive??..dont you want the kids??....is he aware that you want out??...i went thru the same 25 yrs ago...if you need to talk...please feel free to email me.....it was the best and hardest thing i ever did...take care-good luck...legal aide is free to low income or no income ppl

I'm sorry you're facing this decision. You don't have to hire him, but my husband is an attorney specializing in family law (divorce and child custody, etc.). You can at least call and ask some basic questions -- www.mayobrien.com Terry O'Brien ###-###-#### There are some free legal clinics too (he volunteers for one).

I suggest start collecting information about your finances before you mention this to your husband. You need to get a full picture of all assets and liabilities and since he appears to hold all the cards, he could start hiding money if he's feeling vindictive. Also, do you have a credit card in your name only? You should establish credit for yourself as well. Just don't say anything until you get some advice. And start saving money. You'll need it -- if not for the attorney, then just to set yourself up separately. It will be hard to sell your house in this market so don't assume you'll get any equity out of it.

You don't mention this, but if you're being abused, you should contact a safehouse and get their advice as well. Good luck!!

Update based on your update -- I agree with the post suggesting therapy one more time. However, the fact that he thinks it's "a joke" probably means he's mentally checked out as well. There is nothing to be lost in consulting an attorney at this point. It doesn't do the kids any favors to be living in a loveless household (their idea of a 'normal, healthy marriage' becomes seriously warped). Just so you know, you will most likely have to get a job unless you're super rich and alimony will support your staying at home. I had a friend who was a SAHM of three and her husband is an investment banker making millions. She got what she wanted but she still had to get a job to afford living on her own (granted, living in NY is really expensive).

I am going through some messy custody "stuff" right now - and in searching, I have found that there are forms that you can fill out from the MN Department of Justice to apply for a waiver of court fees. Most lawyers will also meet with you for a free consultation. Once you know what you've got to do, you can do much of it on your own and only hire a lawyer for the stuff that you can't. That way, you can really cut costs.
In your situation, I would definitely get some good legal advice first, about what to do as you make your decision. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and hope you get through stronger and happier!

I'm soo sorry you are going through this right now. I am in the same place in some areas. I will be praying for you and your family during this hard time. My husband and I just watched a great movie called "Fireproof", the movie talks about a book called the Love Dare...I am going to be getting it soon to try to improve our marriage. It has one little thing to do for your spouse each day for 40 days. Also my church is doing a wonderful series right now about marriage...you can see the sermons online and they have some great links that might help. www.eaglebrookchurch.com

I will be praying for you with your decision.
N.

"Seriously, what are you thinking! Reality check...you are a married women. Married with vows that state till death do you part. The devil must be working against the good in your heart in my opinion and you need to focus on your husband who is the man you choose to be with. "

I would call United Way. They will be able to help you out:
http://www.unitedwaytwincities.org/communityinfo/211.cfm

I'd also contact MN's Dept. of Human Services. They would be the ones to coordinate any economic assistance you might be eligible for from the county and state (Medical Assistance, MFIP, food stamps, and so on).

Can your husband withhold money from you? Until you have an attorney to fight for you in court, he can really do whatever he wants. I would not delay in contacting an attorney. They would be able to help you get set up financially and make sure things are "fair". An attorney would also be able to tell you the ramifications of going through a legal separation first, and the impact that one of you moving out could have on the divorce proceedings. (I have heard that one partner moving out too soon in the process can be contrued as "abandonment" and can affect custody of the kids and so on. I'm not a lawyer, but that's what I've heard. I don't think either of you should officially move out until you know the consequences.)

I don't know how long you've been married, but judging from your post, it sounds like you will get alimony, at least for awhile. But you also need to think about getting back into the workforce. The company I work for right now is hiring. We do non-medical, in-home care for senior citizens: light housekeeping, errands, meal prep. We do NOT do anything medical so you do not need any special training or certification. The hours are very flexible and they are hiring for positions in St. Paul and Mpls right now:
http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/etc/1130909598.html

I would end your online relationship. If your husband catches wind of this, he could use it against you in court. Even if you are deleting the history on the computer each day, he could get a court order to have the computer confiscated and examined, and stuff you deleted 2 years ago could still be on there. Also, unless you have actually met this guy in real life, don't take for granted that he's "real". To be blunt, you are in a very vulnerable position right now (financially, emotionally) and con artists can smell that a mile away. It could be a 15 year old boy who posted his dad's photo and is getting the biggest kick out of this all. I have known more than one person who created a fake online persona to be "funny". Even if you HAVE met him, what kind of guy goes after an unhappily married woman?? PLEASE be careful. You also have your kids to think about, they really don't need any extra drama.

Good luck to you.