Discussing Suicide with a Teen

I was going to suggest AFSP as well. Definitely go into their site and a local chapter to you probably has a FB page. We had a family member die from suicide when my kids were just 3 and 5 so they have grown up with me talking about it in age appropriate ways. It might be awkward but just throw stuff out there. Kids really do listen even if they act like they don't.

I think you made the right move with the movie. I think kids at this age like to see and hear all bout these hard topics because they have so many feelings and they are learning how to process it.

Personally, I feel that you've already taken a positive step. When I was a young pre-teen and teen, my mother did not discuss - or even mention - anything of a personal nature, from what kind of shampoo was best or dating or puberty. The silent message that was ingrained in me was that no questions or discussion was ever appropriate.

But what you're demonstrating to your teen, in my opinion, is that you're aware of difficult topics, and not afraid to confront them or face them, even if you don't have all the answers. That's so important. I don't think you have to have a huge discussion right now. It's so crucial that you're giving her a clear message: "I don't mind talking with you, or listening to your questions or thoughts, about the hard stuff in life". Don't dwell on it too much, other than saying something like "if you ever want to talk about things we saw in Dear Evan Hansen, I will listen to you."

You might even say that you don't understand - or have first hand knowledge of - some of the more tragic aspects of that show, while expressing empathy and kindness for the ones who were bullied or the ones who were left grieving. Just be honest and kind, and your daughter will likely respond to your openness. Let the emotions and feelings and questions rise up naturally, without forcing the issues. Don't be afraid to say "I don't know" as long as it's followed by "let's talk about it" or "let's find out together" or "what do you think?"

LOVE that you are walking with her as she engages with these difficult issues, and that you are thinking about how to 'do' it. I agree with the first posters that your best bet is to let the show and her responses to it serve as the guide. If it's a really good production, the meanings may well percolate for weeks or months, so you don't need to decide what to address or how to talk about it beforehand. I'm also looking forward to seeing everyone else's responses!

I have a sister who tried to commit suicide when I was a teen.

I grew up in a household a bit like Elena's. While my sister got help, it was not discussed.

My sister is still messed up to this day.

I think, if it were me, I'd see the show, and like any good movie or show, talk afterwards - of let her talk - and you listen. Answer questions - but just let her know she can talk/and you'll listen and answer questions as best you can.

If you can relate at all to the subject matter - all the better. Kids love that. That's how I bond with my teens. I screwed up (a lot) and my family went through the ringer and so they love to hear these stories (I don't share everything mind you...) - but they like to know that I'm human, and that I'll be very understanding and accepting. So if you can bring up something about mental health - yourself, a family member, a friend .... that might be a good way to relate to the show.

I think the main point to get across is that you're there - if she needs you, or she runs into a situation where she needs to come to you with something that worries her. Mental health issues can be scary - because people still don't like to talk about them.

I think you're asking a great question, and I look forward to checking back and reading the answers.

One thing you can do, though, is wait until after you see the show and just talk about what you saw in the show. Ask her what she liked and what she didn't like. As you listen, there will probably naturally be some things that spark conversation between the two of you. You might not actually need to have a separate conversation, and personally, I wouldn't worry about having a pre-conversation. I would let the show take the lead.

good for you for not ducking this. 13 is definitely an age where this important topic is going to be wildfire in her peers, so having the conversation with her mom is a big deal.

i honestly think the best way to tackle it, though, isn't to arm yourself with facts and 'engaging conversation' talking points. you're exactly right that lecturefest is the wrong approach. but each kid is different on what's the right one.

and you get there best by listening, rather than having things to talk about. share some situations in your own life where you felt bullied and overwhelmed. let her tell you about some of hers. compare notes to see what worked and what didn't. how it felt. what you wished you'd done. what you wish she'd told you at the time.

you can't really rehearse talking from your heart. and that's exactly what's called for here.

let her lead. respond with honesty. worry less about being 'age appropriate' because you'll tailor it for your own kid just because you're her mom.

khairete
S.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention also has information on their website. www.afsp.org
I think it's best to broach the subject as soon an you can. My son lost a teammate/classmate/friend to suicide 2 1/2 months ago. The boy was only 17. It's a dark topic but even darker discussing it afterwards after someone dies from suicide. I used some of the information found on AFSP website to discuss it with both my 17 yr old and 7 yr old. My 17 yr old I could be more frank with but the 7 yr old I tailored it a bit and answered her questions. I mean I couldn't really hide it from her as I blurted out to my husband "oh my god, John's dead" when I got the text. The HS counselors talked to all the kids and had tons of supports for them but since my daughters school isn't a feeder school to this HS I emailed the counselor and teacher what had happened so they'd be prepared if she said anything in class or asked to go see the psychologist or counselor. They gave a ton of information so I'd start with them. Our state and county also has a crisis line that has good ideas and information. Maybe google that and see whats there.

Discussing mental health issues and conditions with your daughter is important. You can take the preventative approach and train her on how to react and help someone who is having suicidal ideations recognizing signs and symptoms.

Great question! A lot of school districts include discussion of suicide and self-harm in the social-emotional component of a health curriculum. I would check with her school to see if they cover this and if they have recommendations for good resources for this age group.

I just read a good article about this:

https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/27/opinions/sandy-hook-parkla...

And there is information at:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

A point the article brings up is that a lot of publicity about suicide tends to drive the suicide rate up.
Sure you want to talk about it but try not to dwell on it.

Some may disagree with me but I’d hesitate to let my child see the play. But you know your child.
My issue is there is a lot of “learned” mental issues especially at that age. Kids glom onto the oddest things.
I would at least ask her if it’s talked about in her group and go from there.

Thanks for posting this. I have a 6th grader who got the book from a friend at school in unbeknownst to me. She has read the book and asked if she could put tickets to the show on her 13th Birthday list. I read the plot and felt it was really heavy for their age. She then told me her and her friends are hoping they will be able to get student tickets when the show comes to town and see it together. (Student price tickets go in sale a week before if the show is not sold out)

I told her that I thought the book and play really discuss some heavy stuff that watching in real life maybe a bit overwhelming. I said to her “I guess your Mom is trying to protect you still as you are young.” She said Mom I understand but I hear about stuff for kids at school trust me. (FYI we had the sex talk awhile back so I don’t dodge stuff)

I haven’t said yes yet but I will look into the links posted.

I had a friend in high school who attempted suicide at least once. Then she wrote me a note telling me about it. Luckily I convinced her to let me tell a teacher. Over 20 years later she is still here, thank God!