Advice Needed W Kids

that's about the age I was when my grandfather died . . I don't remember experiencing any trauma, despite the few people that were crying (not my grandmother though) He just looked like he was sleeping.

It is hard to respond when you don't include the details of his suicide. Was this a bloody scene? Did he hang himself? Did he just take an overdose pills that ended his life? Depending on how traumatic the death they witnessed, you may consider a child therapist to assist the kids in understanding and moving on from this. They may also have questions about suicide that you may not be equipped to answer, so a school counselor or therapist should be able to assist.

I would encourage you to communicate with your ex so that your kids get coordinated messages from both their parents. If you cannot agree, perhaps both of you could meet with a counselor just to help you both think about what to say to your kids. Your sons, being pre-teen and teen, will probably hear a lot about suicide (sadly some kids joke about it or taunt others about it, schools are more proactive now as they talk about suicide prevention, and your sons may hear about a student's suicide) as they progress through middle and high school, and now is a great opportunity to talk with them about it. Thank him for stepping up to help the neighbor, and for telling you what your kids witnessed.

There are lots of suicide awareness programs available that are aimed at teens. You might call the National Suicide Prevention hotline, or talk to your school's counselor about what to say to a young kid who has witnessed the aftermath of a suicide.

But in the meantime, I am reminded of Mr. Rogers (the PBS tv show host). He had a special program where he told of being afraid when he was quite young. I can't remember the details, but he was aware of some tragedy that happened in his town (a bad wreck, or a fire or something). He went to his mom and told her that he was afraid of the sirens, the ambulances, the noises, etc. He told his television viewers that even though he was grown up now, he never forgot what his mother told him that day. This is his direct quote:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world."

You might talk to your kids about how they can be proud that their dad was a helper, and how we need helpers in this world, especially now. Help them think about how they can be helpers even at their young ages - saying a kind word to a lonely or bullied kid at school, not joining in bullying, looking for someone who might need a smile or a helping hand, reporting serious things to police or teachers (a classmate who threatens him/herself or others).

And now is a great time to take a Red Cross CPR class together - you and them. Nothing is more powerful than knowing you know how to help in a time of need.

I think you just need to listen and be ready to answer questions. Life and death issues can happen at anytime, and there's nothing to gain by trying to "shelter" them from it.

We had an older gentlemen collapse at our church. There happen to be a fire fighter there who began cpr and a nurse who stayed with him and called 911. Another parishioner began leading everyone in the Rosary (we're Catholic). That parishioner is still with us today. The fire fighter reacted so quickly that the doctors at the hospital were unable to detect any irregularities with his heartbeat. He did have another episode while at the hospital, so the doctors were able to diagnose him and give him a pacemaker.

We had to explain to our the 8 & 10 year old what was happening. They asked questions, and we did our best to answer them.

I don't want to sound negative or pessimistic, but your children are going to encounter death again. It could be soon. It could be years from now. No matter when it happens, it won't be easy. But if you answer their questions now, they will be better prepared. That's really all you can do.

i wouldn't make any assumptions about how they're going to take it. kids tend to be as matter-of-fact as the adults around them are.

encourage them to talk, but don't try to force the conversation. maybe give them an opening like 'i'm so glad your dad was able to assist before the paramedics arrived' and then just leave it out there for them to pick up or let drift. with three of all different ages they'll process differently too, as their personalities dictate.

answer questions honestly and simply, not giving more explanation or details than they request.

while some kids might need professional counseling after witnessing something like this, most don't. if they have a calm and centered person to whom they can take worries, questions or fears, that's the best possible way to help them integrate this experience and move forward.

good luck!

khairete
S.

The 3 oldest will all be in different places and levels of maturity, so I would address things separately. If they brush it off at some point, that's okay - it doesn't mean they don't care, but rather that it's beyond their level of maturity to express it or feel it.

After so much of what we read here on Mamapedia about bad exes, I very happy that your ex called you right away. I would coordinate with him about how you both talk to the kids going forward.

What you say to each child depends on what the kids say to you. It's important to say that Dad was a good neighbor/person by trying to help, and that whoever called 911 did the right thing as well. You can help, but you also have to get the experts involved. Tell the kids not to be afraid to call 911 in an emergency, and to always know the address where they are. In an emergency, getting to "the point" is important to, so practice that in other areas of your lives as well. It's okay to ramble on when it's not time-sensitive, but at other times.... Also reinforce that they need to follow the instructions of adult authority figures on the scene (school fire drills, etc.).

If they want to know why someone would commit suicide, I think it's important to discuss, gently, that some people are in so much pain that they see no other way out. Encourage your kids to talk about what bothers them (especially boys - tell them no "man up" talk allowed in your house). Strengthen them by reminding them of how many people care about them, and asking them to brainstorm the number of people they could go to with a big problem.

If they know anyone in that house (I know they didn't know the man who died), writing a sympathy card talking about being comforted by good memories might be a healthy exercise. If they don't, they can still take over a meal or something for the freezer as a gesture of kindness. Mr. Roger was famous for telling children to "look for the helpers" in any scary or sad situation - that is a good message for all ages.

Let them talk. Give them a safe space to do that. Kids, especially the younger ones, process events by talking about it (according to the book The Whole Brain Child). Letting them talk and listening to what they have to say will also help you gauge whether they need more help than you can provide. Unless your ex gave them the details, all they might know is that their neighbor needed help and their father did what he could to help the neighbor.

I would talk to your ex and ask him to do the same -- to let the kids talk about it.

Maybe you are trying to be "delicate" with what you post here, but I'm guessing that you are leaving out some very significant details. The biggest "detail" being - exactly what did your children see?!

CPR after a successful suicide...? What does that mean? Your children saw the neighbor hang himself and your ex got him down? Your children saw the neighbor having overdosed on pills and your ex tried to revive him? Obviously your children did not see the neighbor shoot himself because that would not involve CPR.

You need to understand and face up to exactly *what* your children saw before you can be prepared to speak with them.

Wow. What a heavy experience for all of them. Besides the good comments below about talking to them and letting them talk, I'd like to take a moment and say that this is a good time to talk about depression. Speak openly and without judgement of the person who died and stress that if your children ever feel so sad they lose hope, that they need to have a person they can speak to about their feelings. Suicide, depression, and mental illness have such a stigma surrounding them and this is an excellent chance to help dispel that.

Just listen to them and answer any questions they have. I'm not sure exactly what you want to address.

There's some very good advice from the other moms, so I won't dwell on that. But, there's one angle that no one else seems to have picked up on, and that's the actions of your ex. What a teaching moment for your kids! He got involved and did what he could to assist the neighbor. He didn't just sit back and ignore, he tried to help. Please discuss that with your kids too.

Your kids need to know that no one lives forever. They need to understand that sometimes, people are so sad, so lost, they feel no other way out but to end it.

If they knew this person? You need to let them continue to express themselves and to understand that suicide affects all around you and leaves so many unanswered questions, hurt and anguish.

I wouldn't hammer anything home. I would let them know the person died and then drop it. If they want to talk about it? Fine. But do NOT keep on it and going over it.

I'd just listen to them - they will talk about it for awhile - of course it will become a story they will tell people about from time to time.
There's no reason for you to dwell on it unless they want to.
Of course you can steer the conversation to emergency preparedness and knowing about CPR (anyone who wants to be a baby sitter can take a class to learn it), etc.
If it comes up a lot (more than a month) then I'd have a talk with their school guidance counselors, your pediatrician and see what they recommend.

When our son was young he LOVED firetrucks.
Anytime one was around he'd want to see what was going on.
There was an accident where a bus driver on a bus for the elderly had a heart attack (died suddenly while driving) and the bus went through an intersection, up a small rise and landed INSIDE a townhouse - every emergency vehicle in the area was called in.
The bus passengers had to be carefully brought out one by one through the debris, brought to an ambulance and taken to the hospital.
For our son (he was about 5 yrs old at the time) - the accident wasn't traumatic for him - it was all about how the first responders did their jobs in dealing with the emergency.

When we had something extremely traumatic happen with the grandkids present we didn't know how to handle the long-term effects it might have on them. The kids at the time were six, seven and just turned three years old. We took them to child psychologists the same day it happened. We were told that we should explain to them what actually happened in age appropriate terms and then drop it. We were told that when and if they had questions down the road we were to answer them honestly, again with age appropriate information but to not keep harping on it. Four years later and we still get questions now and then but they really seem to have moved on. I'm sure since your kids didn't know this person they will do the same.

I think the most important thing is to let them talk about whatever they saw, felt, thought or are feeling and thinking now with no judgement, even if they are repeating themselves for the 100th time. Kids are pretty good at processing death, if we adults can get out of their way with our desire to protect them from the reality of it all. You can't protect them anymore anyway - they have already had the experience. I imagine they will have lots of questions over the next few months, maybe years, and if you can be open to them, I think they will be lucky to have a supportive mum at their side.

Get them to a therapist who is equipped to deal with issues like this. I can’t imagine what your babies saw I’m so sorry

Your kids witnessed an emergency situation. Use it as a learning opportunity. Talk about what went right and what could have been improved. How they would respond if something happened in the future. Maybe make them take a CPR class. Talk about suicide awareness.