Disciplining Step Son

I think you're "over reacting."
"Doing a lot for him" is handing him a plate of dinner?
Did you ask him if he already ate something? Or if he was hungry?
Why does he feel that the best option is to lie to you rather than say "E, I'm not hungry?"
Maybe because you overreact?

Tell him you know how hard it must be to transition from one household dynamic to a completely different one (well in a way he can understand). Then ask him how you can help him with it, and really listen. Then tell him how he can help you with it as well.

Hardly seems fair the kid is the only one who has to change his ways, doesn't it, not the adults?

Maybe you can both bend a little.

:)

Based on that one example, maybe you are overreacting. You "freaked out" because he was "hiding" his dinner in the trash? How do you "hide" dinner in the trash? Once it's in the trash, it's trash. I guess he didn't want it and was throwing it away.

I think you might be too sensitive. Don't freak out, and use natural consequences. If he throws away his dinner, then I guess he doesn't want dinner and he doesn't get to eat any more tonight. No big deal.

And when you treat something like this more lightly, you will be able to teach him that if he doesn't want your food, he can simply politely decline, not feel like he has to secretly throw it away and waste it.

Your stepson has just changed his living arrangements - that's a huge deal for a child, with a lot of emotional upheaval and adjustment.

He disrespects you but your husband doesn't agree. That's your problem.

You see a child doing the wrong thing and you, by your own description, "freaked." Instead of parenting effectively, you sent him bed right away - who does that? Then you called his father for back-up, and didn't get it.

What do we think? I think you and your husband have to get on the same page, and you have to present a united front. Children feel secure when they know what's expected, what's allowed, and what the consequences are. They also need to know that parents are going to think before acting - because over-the-top reactions are what kids do. Your husband needs to sit with you and establish ground rules and discuss parenting styles. You need to take a breath, be the adult, and not let a child control things and dictate your freak-outs. It's dinner. It's not nuclear threats. If you've been in his life for 7 years and you still can't handle dinner, then you all as a family have not been doing the right kind of work to build relationships and establish a hierarchy. When a child steps out of line, you need to deal with it, not banish him to bed.

Please, get family therapy to figure out how to integrate this child into your household and how to establish a parenting plan with your husband.

Your biggest problem isn't your step son - it's your husband.
The grown ups are not on the same page, the kid(s) know it and they WILL play one off the other.

Stop freaking over food - period.
Most of us learn in the toddlers years to not get into the power struggle over it.
When he comes home hungry, you say we've got this and that for supper "Do you want it?" - if the answer is "No" then he can have a bowl of cereal or a PBJ sandwich (and he can make it himself).
You provide healthy snacks - apples, oranges, celery/carrot sticks - no junk food.
If the snacks are healthy - who cares if they fill up on them or not?
At 10 yrs old he's getting old enough to help more around the house (take out trash, take it to the curb on garbage day, put dirty dishes in dish washer, put clean dishes away, do his own laundry, etc.
You teach him (he watches you do it), then supervise him (you watch him do it) and then gradually you don't need to watch him so much.

Fun time (time with friends, tv, recreational computer, video games, cell phone time, etc) are constantly earned by good behavior (getting chores done, staying on top of homework).
If he didn't earn fun time - then he gets none.

You and Dad NEED to get on the same page pretty darn quick or the next 10 years or so is going to be really rough - some marriages don't survive it.

The main problem is your husband, not your kid. If your husband doesn't model respect, then his son is not going to respect. And from your post, there are communication issues (at least) going on with you and your husband. THAT issue is the primary one here.

Communicating with a tween is hard anyway, but that is where you need to concentrate. Some other moms have recommended some books on that - check them out.

You've "been in his life" since he was 3. But how long have you been a step mom, and how long has he been living with you all full time? THAT is important. Your relationship with him and his relationship with the family has changed over 3/4 of his life. For some reason, adults don't seem to take this into account re. their kids - not excusing behavior, but looking at the big picture of the major changes and the age of the child, and remembering how hard this stuff is to deal with as an ADULT, then how hard it is for a kid with fewer coping skills.

Minimize "snack" food, and/or make it healthy. Tell him if he's done, he can put the food in the fridge. He shouldn't have to "hide" it or feel like he has to throw it out. Ask why. TALK to him. Model the respect you want FROM him WITH him. He's not a teen yet, but he's not a baby. Sending him to his room doesn't teach him anything.

Honestly, the relationships that need the focus are you and dad. Once you guys are communicating and on the same page, things should improve with your son. But do what you can to model what you want with the kid. His life has been a tumultuous mess. He needs something solid.

I don't think putting his dinner in the trash is disrespectful. He may not have liked what you made, but rather than hurt your feelings, he was trying to just throw it away and move on. That would have been my first thought when I saw that and I would have asked him if he didn't care for it or had already eaten. I would not have, and don't think you should have gotten your panties in a bunch and sent him to bed. I think you are being overly sensitive. So, from now on, if I were you, I would bite my tongue, count to ten, and then TALK to him - not yell, not accuse - talk, ask questions and be open to hearing his answers without anger.

So, if the rule is no snack if you don't eat dinner, then the punishment for trying to throw his dinner away should have been no snack.

From a more global perspective, please take a parenting class with your husband. You and your husband need to be on the same page with parenting, and have a method that you agree on for assigning consequences that are appropriate to the behavior. The child behavior isn't going to change if the rules/consequences are not consistent.

If your husband isn't in agreement with you and thinks it is okay for his son to be disrespectful and/or behave badly, then your stepson is only a symptom of the real problem, which is your marriage.

The next step is couples/family counseling. You two need to be on the same page if you're going to remain married. You have to reach a compromise about household rules and parenting technique.

Now that said, neither one of you is entirely right.

Do you know why your stepson threw away dinner? There is a reason, and that reason may be important to how things are handled going forward. A simple thing to remember that works in all situations it to ask a kid if they want a plate of food rather than handing them one. They need to know that it is okay to say No Thank You.

Your SWH said the house rule is no snacks if you don't eat dinner. That is an appropriate and logical rule.

However, your original post says that you freaked out and sent him to bed right then and there. That is not the stated house rule. You did overreact and allowed your emotions to override logic and disregard your own rule.

1 - Your husband needs to recognize that his son needs rules and expectations or responsibility.

2 - You two adults need to work together to reach agreements about household rules and the consequences of breaking them.

3 - You have to keep control of your emotions and stick to the agreed upon rulebook. Act, don't react.

Another ETA.

Why don't YOU get on the same page as dad?

Who says you are right and he is wrong? That dad has no say in this at all? He might feel strongly that you are wrong and he's trying to support something he is basically against to show you as much support as he can.

I've been pondering this post all day. Dad says you over react, kid acts like you over react but several moms on here say dad is allowing kid to disrespect you.

That's not true. You're not respecting dad. He has a way with his son and you don't like it. So you need to change the way you address things.

Dad has been his dad a lot longer than dad has been your husband and truthfully, our kids come first. First. They need us and depend on us and are our responsibility. If dad chooses son over you then you need to consider what it is that you are doing that is "wrong" for them.

Yes, kids need to eat healthier. If dad thinks you go overboard and he's going to let kiddo have a snack at night no matter what you say or he's going to let kiddo put his food in the trash when he's done without your permission then you need to change your ideals. You're making a battle you will never win.

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ETA

Another thought. Is making them be hungry all night a positive thing? or a dictator thing? I can't image a hungry kids sleeps better or gets the lesson you are trying to teach them. I always let the kids have an evening snack because if they're hungry they're hungry. There isn't any reason snacks can't be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or grilled cheese or tuna sandwiches. It doesn't have to be junk food.

But in our house the kids pick their snack for the most part. We can't afford much junk food so snack is a small meal with a lot of protein.

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So, if he eats dinner out he has to eat another full dinner just because you fixed it???

That's what I got out of this post.

I suggest you do what you feel is right but forcing a child to eat food they don't want will not get you the results you want. What you'll end up with is a child that hoards food in his room so he won't be hungry, a child that will hide his puking to get an empty stomach so he doesn't have to deal with consequences of eating, etc...please learn from this.

I was a dictator at meal time and all it did was drive the kids crazy. I learned that I don't have to be a dictator and the more freedom I give the kids at meal time the more likely they are to try new foods and to eat better. The more I forced them to try a bite or get in trouble the more and more it became a battle ground at dinner.

If a kid doesn't like it that is okay. Find another food that they do like to fill in that area. My grand daughter is the pickiest kid in the world I think. She has geographic tongue and I found out that food tastes different to her. She can love mac and cheese like crazy and take a bite one day and it's like taking a bite of dog poop in her mouth. She will take a bite of something and start gagging and puking. If I force her to take a bite of food she doesn't want I am the one cleaning up puke and washing clothes with dinner on them.

I learned that I am a real B**ch with it comes to forcing the kids to eat what "I" want them to eat and "when" "I" want them to eat it.

That teaches kids they aren't worth anything, that they have no voice. They need to learn to say no to adults or else they've learned to become a victim to any adult they come in contact with.

It's my job to raise them to be able to say no and to make choices. If I don't let them choose the food they want to eat, to a great extent, then I am not doing my job. Eating healthy is not a must, eating stress free and having some say in their choices is the right way.

So yes, I do think you overreacted. It's time you sit down and think about how you'd feel if you were this kid. Coming to live in your home with you as the caregiver. If he's trying to throw food away because he doesn't want to fight with you then you're taking meal time things too far.

well, you and your husband need to talk a lot more, and develop an overall philosophy of parenting that can be your guide when things get tense. you can't possibly discuss every possible scenario, and it's okay to disagree at times, but there should be an overarching paradigm in place so that you have a reliably firm boundary to bounce off when your stepson is testing you.
i agree with your husband that freaking out and sending a 10 year old to bed early is a drastic over-reaction. my guess is that fixing him a special dinner plate was a PITA that took you away from something else? because that could certainly account for it.
and i WOULD be annoyed at the dishonesty inherent in sneaking it into the trash. but just freaking out at him won't make him more honest, it'll just make him sneakier. why not just stick to your 'no snacks after dinner' rule and let him be hungry?
hunger is a great teacher<G>.
it sounds as if you're pretty resentful of him. he's only 10 and doesn't know how to handle it. it's important for you and your husband to get on the same page so he knows what to expect, and that you're supporting each other. i don't think a 100% united front is realistic or even always to be desired, but you really need to be a whole lot more on the same page than you are now.
and if making a separate dinner is too much, have him make himself a peanut butter sandwich. he's plenty old enough for that. and i think your no-snack-after-dinner rule is sensible. but not something to freak out about.
khairete
S.

I agree with you. No matter what this is your house too and you are head of household also. This child needs to respect the fact you are in charge too.
Maybe a better solution would to be set a schedule dinner will be served at 6:00 O clock every night be home by 5:30 nightly to help out.
Why did he try to toss out the food? Was this something he doesn't like?
I think honest and open communication between you, his dad and him would be a good place to start.

You're focused on the incident(s) with tossing his food out, but maybe you're not seeing much larger issue: You write the following:

"I talk to his father about it (son's disrespect) and he (dad) usually disagrees with me."

"He gets away with a lot and I'm the one always overreacting."

The issue isn't this one problem with the boy throwing out food. It's that you and dad are not on the same page, and that's happening at the same time that the boy is having to adjust to a new living situation that of course makes him likelier to be snarky or to push boundaries. It's not an excuse for him to treat you with disrespect but it IS an explanation. As the adults, you and dad can either let things be about emotions and reflexive reactions to little incidents as they occur--or you can step back, ramp down the emotions on your own adult parts, and work over time on respect.

Does dad tend to be the one who lets son "get away with a lot" while you feel you are put into the role of disciplinarian because dad is too easy on son? It's not easy on you, or fair to you, if you are always the one doing the correcting -- it prevents you from forming a really positive relationship with son, and makes dad into "fun dad" who also will get no respect at all because kids need boundaries.

Is it possible that your stepson is, in his kid way, grieving the change in his life that meant he had to move in with you? Even if living at his mom's was tough, he was used to it, and he might be feeling a lot of things -- anger, guilt, resentment. In other words, there's a lot going on with him is not really about you or disrespecting you personally, even though that is the result.

I would find a time to talk with your husband about this. Don't make it sound like accusations or anger against son; go with "When you (husband) say X (such as, "Son is fine, you're oversensitive"), then I feel Y." Explain how you feel alone in disciplining son. If you can see that you perhaps do overreact at times, admit that, and say you would like to work out with your husband what "respect" and "disrespect" actually mean -- what kind of words and actions are disrespectful in your definition? In his? Is he cutting son more slack than you are, because son had to make this move (even if the move was best for son)? It sounds as if you and your husband need to talk a lot more, and frequently, about why you and he view son's behaviors so differently, and whether dad can step up and be firmer, while you ramp back emotion so you don't "freak" or give sudden, unexpected punishments.

Summers is vacation time. School year is regular time. Different ball of wax when you need to deal with schedules and regular non-fun stuff.

I think that you and your DH need to be on the same page and if you are not, then you have a long road. You need to talk to your DH about the rules and compromises, especially if you have other children in the home. If your DH doesn't agree to the specific discipline (like going to bed for throwing food in the trash) then you and he need to figure out what would be a reasonable consequence for this. Like, could he just be required to wash dishes and put his dinner in tupperware? I do consider sending him to bed an over-reaction. You need to make the time match the crime, so to speak. If your stepson is unappreciative, sending him to bed is not going to make him more appreciative. You and your DH might consider something like doing something for you to help him understand the time involved in the preparation of the meal, or using some of his allowance to buy some items for a food drive, or simply you no longer make him a plate and he has to fend for himself when he misses dinner. If he already ate at his friend's house, then he should tell you that so you know not to make a plate, or to put it away for later instead of throwing it away. Sometimes if all we do is tell kids no, but not what to do instead, they don't have the tools to do better.

You might want to read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen with your DH to get ideas. Discipline is not the same as punishment, and many times kids learn well from natural consequences.

Stepparenting can be hard, but try to find the line of what you should do as the adult in charge at that moment and what you need to let go or let your DH deal with. Is this something where you could have spoken to your DH and say, "This is the second time he's thrown his dinner away. It's a waste of food and money and my time. I would like to talk to you about how to handle this" instead?

If the rule is no snacks after dinners then it sounds to me like he neither get dinner nor a snack if he throws it away and gets to be hungry. It was his choice not to eat the dinner given. I would also not be buying snacks and save that money for something else. I'd be matter of fact on those points.

You know.....if the throwing food in trash has been severely reprimanded once, then yes, he should have had a consequence this time. He's ten. He gets it. My 4 year olds knew that wasn't allowed. He can control a sneaky and forbidden behavior like that. Should you have done something differently? Um...not the point!

Now if instant bed time made it impossible to do homework and it was hours away from sleep time and unprodicutive then maybe you need a better consequence rather than flying off the cuff and improvising the moment he does something. We all need a good, solid, action plan for discipline-even if that's saying, "OK, I'll think of what a proper consequence for wasting food and sneaking might be and get back to you." and buying yourself time to find the very best perfect thing to do.

But still. You didn't do anything horrible. Sounds like people are frustrated with your methods but they're not helping you. If hubby is so certain of the right way to handle things, then maybe he should handle the things. Or at least meet with you to come to an effective agreement. Your son does need to respect your house rules and you, and he won't if your husband doesn't.

(Understanding I only know this small bit of what you wrote) -It seems from your post that hubby IS allowing him to disrespect you, and is in fact disrespecting you himself by blowing off your feelings as "overreacting". The fact that you feel you even have to say the words, "I do a lot for our family" tells me you are trying to justify why you need respect - which no one should ever have to do. That is a trap I fell into when I was in a disrespectful relationship. Red flag that you would say that, for me. That leads me to believe that this IS a real issue that needs dealt with.

the bottom line for me is that you and hubby need to get on the same page, and he needs to respect you enough to have an adult discussion and solve this problem in a mature way. If you can't do that, stepson will continue to be defiant and sneaky, and it will just get worse and worse. This is a conversation you HAVE to have. You just took a 10 year old on full time. You can't do that without at least a couple serious sit down strategy talks about discipline, rules, etc.

Throwing food in the garbage infuriates me. It's wasteful! I've told them if they don't want to eat it, that's one thing. But don't throw it away!!! So I understand if you were furious.

Sounds like you might need to talk to him about things more. It sounds like you were trying to help. You wanted to feed a hungry boy! Maybe he didn't want the food you gave him, maybe you chose something he doesn't like, maybe he was really craving something else.

This one might sound a little crazy or paranoid, but my 9 year old might have hated whatever food I gave him (if I didn't ask him first) simply because it was my idea and not his. He's trying to figure out who he is now that he doesn't want to be "Mommy's little boy," and it has resulted in some rather ridiculous outbursts.

Give him some time to adjust to all the changes in his life. Living with you full-time us a huge change. Ask more questions, and try to more more flexible when you can. Talk to your husband and try to agree to some bardic guidelines and rules. The two of you need to be on the same page, but that's really hard until you are faced with situations.

Hang in there!

We are NOT a blended family so I am not sure about step kids but if my kids would have thrown their dinner in the trash I would have freaked too. Is it because he wanted a snack instead? We have the same rule no snacks unless you eat your food but I am also making things I know they like. If so it is kinda like lying and yes its wasteful and unappreciative. I think I probably would have lectured and no snacks after.