Time Limit for Dinner

i dont have this issue cause we dont live with in laws..

but we serve dinner.. the kids eat.. or not... and withing 20 mintues.. the food is gone and the table is cleared.. we wash their sticky dirty hands after they eat so they dont get greasy food prints all ove the hosue..so there is no way I would let them graze all day..

we serve 3 meals and 2 or 3 snacks..(I dont always do afternoon snack- it depends on how late napt is and how close to dinner thaey wake up)-- we dont have eating all day..

I have an Aunty, that takes a LONG LONG LONG time to eat. Apparently, she was this way even as a child. She is just that way, and has been fine in life.

All the best,
Susan

Ugh - I know what you mean. My mom likes to make mealtime a playtime, too. She says that's how she gets her to eat more than I do. I'm like you - you get down, you're done. And, there is absolutely NO TV on in my household at dinner time. There is usually no TV on anyway, but I totally get how that would be hard to control in your current situation.

My opinion - They're your in-laws, therefore, it's your hubby's place to tell them, "Look, while we appreciate all of your help and guidance and love, the way we start eating habits with our daughter is something that's really important to us. Also, whether you agree with it or not, she's our daughter and we need you to be on board with us because it is OUR choice the way we raise her, not yours. We love having you be a part of her life, but we really feel undermined when you don't follow our wishes in her upbringing." I understand, you don't want to make him "the bad guy," but you really shouldn't have to feel like the one who is the bad guy - truly, it's his job. And it would be your job with your parents. I'm the one who asserts myself and parenting wishes with my parents when my husband feels uncomfortable with it.

Anyway, that's my two cents. It's so hard - they usually mean well, but good grief! I feel for you. Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

First, let me say I support your position. Eating in front of the TV is a big no-no. Don't even go there!!!

My DD was in occupational therapy when she was 18 months old because I couldn't get her to eat solids (she would only eat baby food and other smooth foods). I was at wits end. The OT I received introduced me to pediatric therapists, nutritionists, and psychologists. Here's what I learned...

- sit at the table to eat
- have a regular schedule (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack)
- set a timer (for my 18mo they recommended 15 minutes...their attention span and ability to sit still doesn't last much more than that)
- if they don't eat during that time, take the food away and don't feed anything more until the next meal period...they will learn to eat when it's scheduled and what is served to them

The theory is that a child will eat what they need. We have a tendency to force them to eat and overfeed them resulting in our obesity epidemic. TV just compounds the issue. A good book to read that includes the theories utilized by my DD OT team is by Ellen Satyr "How to get your kid to eat but not too much".

Good luck! I realize that the dynamics of living with your in-laws makes it really difficult. But, YOU are the parent! It's between you and your husband!

My six year old is the same way. I don't have distracting in-laws, but she does have distracting siblings. She eats all of her meals, but never wants to eat her dinner. She plays and takes the longest time imaginable. She too, has melt downs at the dinner table. I have noticed that eating earlier helps sometimes, or having her get started before the rest of us sit down. That could help some. My daughter seems to have some kind of internal clock that says don't eat after five. I have been making observations for a long time and that is just about the just of it. If it is after five, regardless if she loves the meal and hasn't eaten for 5 or more hours, she will not eat. I would say try feeding her earlier, sitting her down before everyone else, or if you have to, have her eat by herself. I know how dinner is a family thing, we like to eat together too. Sometimes though, if dinner is running late, I fix her something to eat beforehand. She feels special that way. Then, at dinner time, she sits with the rest of us and if she does want some of what we are eating, she can have that too. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Personally I don't get into fights with my daughter about food. If she's hungry she eats, if she isn't, she doesn't. If she is not finished eating - no matter how slowly she is eating - I would never take her food and dump it in the trash. I'm not going to mince words - it's mean.

Your in-laws are a different story. Hopefully you can move out ASAP because it seems like they are really disrespectful of you as your child's mother.

I am laughing at the response about preparing this child for the "real world." Come on, she's not even 3 years old! She has plenty of time to prepare, and will go through many many changes before she is in the "real world."

You are in a tough spot because you are in their house. My sister had a similar situation for a few years with her in-laws, too, and she had to suck it up on a few things as "house rules". But, I know she did have a few conversations with them away from the kids regarding how she wanted to handle certain things.

As far as dinner goes, we have a hard time getting our 3 year-old to eat and pay attention at dinner. He, too, is easily distracted, but he never gets to leave the table until he is excused. In some cases, he may eat well and need to wait for us to finish, or in other cases, he may be playing and not eating. We'll usually tell him how much of eat item we'd like him to eat (tonight it was 3 bites of his potato) before he can be excused.

It sounds like she's trying to exert her independence a little (which is definitely the case in our house). As the parent, you may just need to lay down the law and remind her that you're the mom and get to make the rules.....I remember my parents doing a lot of going to bed without dinner if we didn't eat or making us eat the remainder of our plate when we got hungry later on in the evening.

Good luck.

You have to remember your in laws are GRAND PARENTS.... they are gonna be more sympathetic and let her get away with more because they can and if they make her a brat, they can give her back and they don't have to worry with the consequences. I bet you a million dollars that they didn't allow their son to do that and they didn't let him eat in front of the tv all the time either. Just ask your husband if it was him doing what your daughter was doing, what would they have done to him or how would they have handled him doing that. I bet it isn't allowing him to do whatever he wants.
I think you are doing the right thing...... give her so much time and then that is it. If she isn't hungry, she isn't hungry. I did that to my youngest son because I listened to my mother in law... and he turned out terrible. He is a couch potatoe, he is sloppy, he expects everyone to bow to him....... don't do what I did. Luckily God gave me a second chance at life and I now have a little girl. I am trying to do all the right things with her and this time I don't have a mother in law that interfers.
You go girl.... she is your daughter, you raise her the way you feel is right.

I still battle my soon to be 5 year old at the dinner table on a daily basis. Since she was 3, I would make her eat at least 2 of the coarses on the table. I never gave large portions, so I knew she'd be capable of finishing. I had a friend who was homeless and in a shelter for some time. Her son had to learn the hard way, that when it's time to eat, it's time to eat. The shelter had very strict rules about not bring food in the rooms. Fortunatly our children are not being put through that, however it does not mean we cannot teach that same lesson. I never let my daughter eat in front of the TV. EVER! I know she gets away with things like that at my parents house, even eating in the bedrooms, but not with me. If I don't put my foot down about eatting, then by bed time, she's crying of hunger. So, like I said, it's a struggle. If 2 courses doesn't work for you, and you find another way, let me know! LOL.
I do argree that moving out MIGHT help this problem a little. I moved from my parents house about a year and a half ago. Now, I can be the Mom, not my Mom. LOL. Good Luck Girly!! :D

In my opinion, you're right and they're wrong. Stick to your guns. Your in-laws are not only undermining your authority but also your child's long-term health.

Good eating habits are crucial. We're turning into a country of overweight, late-onset diabetics because we have gotten away from good eating habits.

In addition, make sure there aren't any in-between meal snacks that keep her from being hungry at the table. (But it sounds like you know this. <grin>)

It sounds like you already know what to do, you're just having interference. Talk to your spouse. He MUST have your back. Once he agrees to help, maybe you can have a sit-down with your in-laws. Tell them you know that they just want to have fun with their grand daughter, but you are working to instill long-term habits that will keep her healthy. This is really important and you would appreciate their support.

In the end, know that you're right and you're doing something important. So much good luck to you!

My 3 year old has this problem at mealtime as well. I think it's probably a normal thing to go through at this age but it still drives me crazy. We definitely don't have TV at mealtime and don't allow a lot of playing either. My mother and in laws like to play during mealtime also, which I am not crazy about. We try to make sure to reinforce that it is mealtime, not playtime also. Our parents are not around all the time so we don't have them there every day. If my son gets out of his chair a few times then I will take his food away but I am thinking about starting to take it away after the first time. It is very frustrating when the meals take forever.

My daughter takes forever to eat! My friends complain that their kids won't sit for longer than 5 minutes, but I taught my daughter (2 in march) that to eat food, you must sit in your chair properly. In any case, snacks take 30 minutes, meals an hour! It's great when we want to go out to dinner or something, but she is just so slow.

We eat at the table, period.

it's not an easy situation, hopefully it will get better when you move and you're the queen of your castle again! i would stick to the throwing it out rule, and an hour is reasonable. you're doing right, just hang in there. stick to your rules. as much as you can!

Hi J., you are right in what you are trying to teach your daughter, keep in mind your in laws are playing a big part of her not listening to you, so it's not really her fault. Stick with your rules for your daughter, Lisa made good points too, the family table to so important in raiseing your family. you should talk to your husband about helping your where your in laws are concerned. remember you are the mom, you are in charge, I know it's hard living with your in laws, I will get you guys in my prayers that you all and get your own place. I have been reading your questions for a long time, you are a great mom in a difficult situation, it will get better. J.

I would tell them that YOU are trying to raise a child into an adult that can manage to live on their own and not with their parents and as such needs to learn responsibility and respect early. I think they will get the idea that you don't want to be having a multigenerational house in your future...

Also, when my daughter was 3 she started to throw away her own food and put her dish in the dishwasher all by herself. You might want to try it, that way she KNOWS what is going on and she is being big and doing it herself.

Every time we have a melt down I just say "oh look how tired you are... time for bed." My 4 year old doesn't have them unless tired anymore... and I sometimes wonder if I am training her to cry so she will get to go to bed...

I think this is fairly normal. My 3 year old used to aggrivate me SO MUCH over this, it just isn't funny! He doesn't aggrivate me anymore, because we have determined what works for us and that is "the rule" now.....makes aggrivation go away.
First let me say that I understand the "grazing" and no time limit arguments, but I do not agree with them. It would be more comfortable to our children to be allowed to do what they want, when they want...yes that's true. However, as parents, I think part of our JOB is to prepare them for the real world and enable them to succeed in that world. With that said, you can't graze OR take an hour to eat at school. There may be a snacktime or two when young, but even that goes away unless a child is allowed to have a snack during recess. At work on the job, you can't eat all day nor can you take as long as you want to eat. And then there's the basic awareness of time (not just food, but TIME) that is needed for everyday life. So unlimited time and grazing just don't make sense in the big picture.
I serve breakfast, a small snack, and lunch every day at the same time. The afternoon snack is a variable--it may happen at the scheduled time, and it may not, depending on what's going on that day. Dinner time is very close to the same time every evening, at least for him. As a previous poster mentioned, my son seems to have some internal clock and if he doesn't eat by 6:30, he will not eat at all. That's just him, I suppose. Along with having a set schedule (as much as possible), and keeping the evening meal a little early for him, we have instituted the timer. If he's eating well but taking some time (he loves porridge and cereal for example, but takes a long time, I think trying not to spill his milk), I don't use a timer. But we eat together, taking our time, but once we're finished and have visited a bit, if we feel he's playing or wasting time, we clear the table and turn his timer on. He has 5 minutes to finish up. The timer, and his slow eating, are the bad guys, not us. He is learning that "5 minutes" means he needs to pick up the pace, or give it up. He's stopped arguing with us about it now, and is understanding time limits. Like I said, this is important because he'll have time limits at mothers day out, preschool, school, sports, work, all his life. Of course we're not giving him 5 minutes to eat. Dinner time for us is about 30 minutes anyway. So an extra few minutes is honestly more than enough time, if he really was hungry. We stopped trying to "make" him eat all his food. Now he can model us at our conservative speed, he has time afterwards to eat while we chat and clean off the table, and then he has his timer so he can see/understand. If he's not hungry we won't force him to eat, and he's learning that if he IS hungry, he needs to get it done in the time allowed.
In response to T. A., yeah, I can see that some people think time is too abstract or he's too little to understand the real world, but I totally disagree---he's in mother's day out now and while visiting or bringing holiday food to the class, I've watched kids have meltdowns because they didn't finish what they wanted to do and it was time to move on to the next thing. My son, 3 years old, knows what 5 minutes is (not more, but he knows that one) and if I forget to tell him "5 more minutes" at the playground, he'll let me know. He also knows that once that's been said, he runs quickly and can go down the slide several more times and start hugging friends bye. No meltdowns at the park, either. He also knows how to work the timer (he's put his dad in time out for saying a bad word at the football game), and he knows when the arrow hits the 0 and dings, time is up. Pretty easy. Kids aren't stupid. I'm not hard or mean, we're just big on teaching.

Wow, slow eaters, that is such a common topic. My answer is one I often give to my clients. As a Family Success Coach, some agree with my advice others do not.

I will share with you what I know:
I know that children learn what they live.
I know that children will model their parents EXACTLY, food habits, morals, exercise habits, etc.
I know that the children as young as 8 have been diagnosed with ADULT DISEASES that are attributed to their poor eating habits.
I know that this is the first time in history that our children have a shorter life expectancy than we do, because of disease and poor nutrition.
I know that is it not the time it takes to eat, but WHAT one eats that is important.

Kids that take a long time to eat are actually doing something right. Digestion takes time, the more food that is shoved in the body in a short period of time, the harder it is for the body to digest it. Stuffing the body is one of the leading causes of obesity. Slower eaters tend not to be overweight. Fast eaters gobble their food, eat too much and then gain weight later. While slower eaters tend to chew their food well, and digest as they go.

J., I will give you my professional opinion.

DO NOT sit in front of the TV (it is proven scientifically that eating in front of the TV begets obesity)

DO NOT force her to eat on your schedule. She will eat when she is hungry, you can not force her to eat without setting her up for eating disasters later in life.

DO ALLOW HER eating options throughout the day, healthy finger foods set in the fridge or on the table at her height allow her to control what she eats.
6 small meals a day is WAY BETTER for the body than 3 large meals. Just think about when she was a baby…she ate every 3 hours, THAT IS NORMAL. For some crazy reason as soon as our children start eating “our food” we think that they only need to eat 3 times a day. YIKES! No wonder we have an obesity problem!

EAT WITH HER, stay with her at the table, it is a great opportunity to bond. Slow down, enjoy the moment.

J., please, look at the whole picture when making choices about what to do with your slow eater. I work with many families in my practice that have children who eat very slowly. And they always say, once they saw it from a different perspective, meaning how healthy it is to eat more slowly, they changed their habits to match that of the slow eater. Not only do they feel better health wise, they eat less (better for digestion) and they get to spend more quality time together as a family.

If you need anything, let me know.

B.
Family Success Coach

A couple thoughts here:

Who cares what the in-laws think, your kid, your rules.

1 hour is a looong time for a toddler to sit at a table, does she really stay up at the table that long?

My daughter is almost same exact age, dinnertime is an issue. I agree with you that meals are at a table, not in front of a TV. My husband and I have argued about this, I occasionally serve a breakfast or a lunch at the "little table" (coffee table) but I never bend on the fact that dinner is a time when the whole family sits and eats at the table. I know my mother and MIL feed her lunch at the TV, and my MIL pretty much just constantly puts food in front of her all day and never m,akes her sit down to an actual mealtime. Whatever, when they are watching her (free of charge) for me, I can't complain. But at home, it's mom's rules. Since you live IN the in-laws home, I see the difficulty here for you. But it's still YOUR rules whenever YOU are around. You are still THE MOM.

I let my daughter down from the table when she says she's done, even if it's only been about 10 minutes as long as she's made an attempt at the meal and socialized a bit with us. I figure their attention spans are just too short. This does result in some cajoling sometimes thuogh when it seems she wants to get down without eating much, and I often scold my husband for distracting her or being too silly while we need to just enforce that it's time to eat and talk (not tickle etc). It is tough and I just urge you to stick to your guns, you need to teach her good table manners and eating habits and that's what it sounds like your trying to do. Just keep putting your foot down.

Of course later my daughter will often ask for something when we're all done (it may be healthy, like carrots, or not healthy, like marshmallows). I just use my judgement on this... but if she gets down from the table without eating much I try to make it clear that there will be no treats tonight, since I just think it's unfair not to give that warning or chance. But if she didn't eat much but happened to ask for a string cheese or banana later, I would give in to that (just so she doesn't waste away!) and really who doesn't sometimes snack on stuff in front of the TV or have a few bites of ice cream before bed now and then? But I am pretty firm about her sitting down with us at the beginning of dinner and making SOME attempt at the meal (and when you're done, you're done, the plate can't follow you off the table).

Good luck, I imagine it is hard living with in-laws and having to get their input on YOUR policies! Stay strong~

I think grazing is ok if you have a plan to have easy foods to provide when you child is hungry and it is not mealtime. If you can't stand that sort of interruption, then stick to a set mealtime. But eating in front of the tv is just bad for EVERYBODY...studies back this up. Even if it did not add to obesity risk (which it does) it cuts the social talk that should be happening within a family mealtime.
Noteably, I have a three year old who has trouble staying put for a meal...but if I sit with her, she can do it. I also try to explain the risk of playing while eating...like spilling foods, choking, having it get too cold, etc. remember time is a pretty abstract concept for little ones...they can't FEEL it or SEE it disappearing...maybe visual timer would help. (Egg timer...or such)

I would let her go. You have to choose your battles, and in my opinion, all that you'll accomplish by making her change the way she's eating is anxiety.

Food is for the dining room area only in my house. If my son wants to eat then he has to stay at the table. If he tells me he's not hungry and gets down, I cover his food and put it in the fridge. If he says he's hungry later, he goes back into the high chair and is offered his cold dinner. If he doesn't want to eat it, then he can choose to go to bed hungry. I don't throw his food away until he's asleep. I'm not starving him he's offered plenty of food but he either eats what he's offered or he doesn't eat. Your in-laws are not in charge so you do what's best for your child. I know your question was about the time limit you give her to eat, but I can only tell you what works in my household. Good luck!

Definitely a 3 three year old can be expected to eat within an hour's time. Even a two year old can understand basic consequences. When your daughter turns three next month she will have a clear understanding (if you are consistent) that dinner is to be eaten at the table and there is a time limit. When that time limit is over, the food goes away. Start now.
Studies show that kids who eat in front of the tv have a higher likelihood of obesity (look them up and show your in-laws) and you're right about the listening skills; when the tv is on, the listening is not. If she isn't expected to listen during dinner she will start wondering if she has to listen to you at other times and the problem may grow.

I had the same snail at dinner at my house. At a certain point, I would set a timer and tell my son how much longer he has to finish. I would remind him that he may be hungry later if he didn't eat. I also gave warnings/reminders of the time left so it wasn't a surprise when time was up. When the timer went off, the food was removed. A few times he did wake up hungry. I would give him a glass of milk when that happened and on occasion a half a banana, but I didn't give him a meal at 11 at night. He learned quickly. We still have a snail, but it has gotten easier. I give him a smaller afternoon snack and right after nap so he won't be full from the snack at dinner time.

Good luck to you.

It sounds to me like at least part of the slowness is due to the distractions, either the tv or your in-laws. One hour is an incredibly long time for a two-year old to sit and do anything. If dinner is taking this long, then much of that hour must be filled with things other than eating. I think that you need to provide her with a better dinner environment. Perhaps you should consider eating dinner separately from your in-laws (for some or all days each week).

I don't agree with setting a strict time limit, and certainly not taking food away while she is actively eating. My approach is to provide 5 eating opportunities throughout the day (3 meals and 2 snacks). For the most part, these happen at the table (we certainly make exceptions like breakfast in bed on the weekend). If my daughters eat they eat, if they don't there will be another eating opportunity later. I know that if they don't eat dinner, they won't eat again until morning, but that is ok. Usually if they don't eat dinner, it is because their bodies have told them that they have had enough for the day.

Personally, I think that dinner, in addition to being an eating opportunity, is an important social opportunity when we can discuss the day and practice table manners. It is the one meal when I expect my daughters (2 and 4) to stay at the table until everyone is done eating. Perhaps you could use this approach to discussing dining separately from you in-laws with them. Maybe let them know that you would like to have this part of your day to connect with your husband and daughter and you could eat earlier or later than them (or maybe they eat their dinner in front of the tv in another room while you sit at the table with your family!).

I know that living with someone else can be especially challenging while parenting. I lived with my parents for almost a year and was lucky that they are great and generally shared and supported my pareniting approaches. But, when you are living in someone else's house, you do often have to make minor adjustments to co-habitate successfully. So, choose the issues that are most important to you (and I can see where this would be one of them) to address with them. Dining separately might me a good compromise that eliminates debating with them how you manage your daughter at dinner time since they would be removed from the situation.