When Your 10-Year Old Doesn't like Dinner

At that age, if she didn't like what I maed, my daughter made her own dinner - a sandwich, cereal, pasta, scrambled eggs, grits, whatever she could fix herself. AND she was required to wash whatever dishes and cookware she used making it.

Same thing you suggested, I make ONE meal, and if the kids don't like it (or the husband for that matter) they are welcome to make something else, and yes, ten is plenty old enough!
We are a family of five, and it is just about impossible to please everyone at every meal. And I believe dinner should be a peaceful, calm time. That's why I NEVER take the "you'll eat what's put in front of you or get nothing" approach, I just think that's awful and frankly controlling on the parent's part. I mean, come on, what's wrong with letting a family member make themselves something else to eat?

I am not a short order cook. I plan, prepare and serve a lovely meal. If someone doesn't care for the meal then they are more then welcome to get up and fix something for themselves. I know my son (19) doesn't like mushrooms. I and his father do. I will prepare a dish for him without the mushrooms. If he wants more, then he gets mushrooms.

Thank goodness my husband and I were on the same page. If the kids don't like it they can have a sandwich or a bowl of cereal.

They have a choice to make themselves something easy like eggs and toast, pbj, or a bowl of cereal or eat what we serve. We do NOT allow criticism of the food at the table beyond a simple, "I don't really like this." Words like "icky" and "gross" are insulting to the cook and even the kids' friends are told that kind of talk is not allowed at the table. EVER.
I own a restaurant, I don't need to be running one at home, too. Anyway, kids tip poorly ;)

BTW, I think if your husband wants to have an opinion, then he should start making dinner and doling out the consequences for not eating it himself. Until then, he can keep his mouth shut.

It might sound mean, but if my kids didn't want dinner, there was no Plan B because I never made anything gross, I never made anything that I myself wouldn't eat.
My mom used to make some pretty trippy stuff for dinner like scrambled eggs and oysters.
I was more than happy to go to bed with nothing.
Everyone else ate it. Good for them. I wasn't hungry enough to eat it.

I think it's a very slippery slope to cater to kids and their eating habits. Especially at 10 years old. If she won't eat what you make AND she's so stubborn that she won't make anything herself, she should go to bed with nothing. If she gets a tummy ache, she'll eat in the morning, won't she?

I have friends who catered so much to their kids that it became a huge problem in their marriage. The dad put his foot down about letting the kids have jello, pudding, a microwave pizza when there was a perfectly beautiful meal prepared. The kids would say, "We don't feel like having steak and salad and vegetables. We want a burger from McDonald's".
Damn. The mom got in her van and drove on the freeway to another town and bought the kids fast food because she was afraid they would be hungry if she didn't. OMG! McDonald's MAJORLY screwed up once by not leaving mustard off of a burger and the kid threw the whole thing in the garbage and was mad at his mother for not checking and taking it back before she left.

I am not exaggerating. That mom never got to enjoy her dinner because she was busy fixing something else or driving around to get something her kids wanted.
They would turn their noses up at lasagne because they didn't "feel" like having it that night.

Don't get into that. You will be super sorry if you don't stop this now.
You prepare a meal. If your daughter chooses not to eat it, that's her choice.
If your daughter wants to pretend she's so helpless she can't make something for herself....that's her choice.

Like I told my friends with the picky and spoiled kids, if a kid gets hungry enough, they'll eat a dirt sandwich.
Kids who turn their noses up at a meal must not be that hungry and they can go to bed without dinner.

I was happy to go to bed not eating liver and onions. I was happy to go to bed not eating beef tongue.
I never served anything like that to my kids so I refused to hear that anything I made was gross.
Neither of my kids are picky eaters.
My son will eat things I won't even eat like chicken livers and gizards. He likes it. I let him have it.

I think your daughter is trying a bit of a power play and she knows you and your husband don't agree on the subject. Don't be like my friends and have the parents fighting over what a kid will or won't eat.

I mean no offense by anything I've said and I hope you get it worked out.
I wouldn't cater to your daughter and I hope your husband can get on the same page with you.

Best wishes.

IMO, she has choices - your dinner, her dinner or nothing. I would tell your DH that she's not sick, she's just choosing "or nothing" and trying to get his sympathy. She's not going to starve. She wants to make a statement, but you don't need to give her attention for it. I even tell my 3 yr old that refusing dinner will just mean she's not getting anything later. I put sauce on the side. The girls can do pasta and butter if they prefer, but the main meal is pasta.

We usually make something they will eat with something they might eat. They always have the option of a salad if they don't like the veg, but they make it and they can't have nothing. No dinner means no treats or snacks.

Be prepared for more melodrama as she gets older. DH needs to learn not to fall for every sigh or tear.

I agree with you. At 10, she can either eat what you prepared or quietly and with our ugly comments, prepare something herself.. In our home we all knew non sugar cereal was an option.

Your husband needs to realize she is old enough to make her choice and everyone accept it.

If she does not eat, oh well, too bad, so sad.. Do not try to solve this problem for her.

I assume she is not special needs? If she is making good grades in school.. Meal time should not be treated like "a toddler problem".

Your daughter is in 4th or 5th grade?
heck she should actually be learning to prepare dinner for the family on her own..

Make it a priority this summer to work with her on finding making dinner. Give here a budget, have her find recipes she is interested in preparing.. Take her to the store and have her purchase the food and then assist her in how to prepare it..

No more games with her. If she is not hungry , she can sit quietly at he table and drink milk, or she can go to her room until you all are finished.. no second thoughts about it. Stick with it mom.

My five year old said he didn't like what I made last night....baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and broccoli...really? So he was welcome to make himself something. He grabbed his left over spinach artichoke dip from Olive Garden and heated it up. He's FIVE.

My kids also know the ONLY choice for them if they don't like dinner is a sandwich that they can make on their own. No leftovers, no frozen meals, no other options than a sandwich.

Your husband needs to support you. She is ten for crying out loud, not two. There is no reason she can't make her own sandwich if she won't eat what you make. And I know plenty of parents who would make their kids eat dinner or let them go to bed hungry if they don't eat what they are served.

So I think you and I are already being nice to let them make a sandwich.

Hubby needs to get a grip - or he can make her what she wants.

ETA: I just realized my son used his leftovers last night instead of a sandwich...he was only allowed to do that because today the leftovers not eaten are trash - we ate at OG on Sunday...

I have one ( out of 4) that doesn't eat what I make on a regular basis and one who eats it maybe 75% of the time. I allow them to make a sandwich, get a yogurt or some cereal or help themselves to fruit. They are 9 and 11 and I won't make them something special just because they refuse to eat what everyone else is eating,but I don't make it a big deal either,they just make themselves something else and then come back to the table to have dinner with us.

We do what you do. Our boys are 8 and 14. They have to try whatever I cook (often our 14 year old cooks), and if they don't like it they can make a sandwich for themselves. That's it. If they don't want to make a sandwich they could choose not to eat, but that hasn't happened. I'm not a short-order cook.

Does your husband (literally) have two working arms?
Why does it have to be YOU to "make her something"?

I have a recent 9 year old and if he doesn't want what I'm serving, we have no problem zapping him an Easy Mac, making a sandwich or other leftovers. I don't trust him yet to "cook" and the microwave means pulling over the chaaaaaair...blocking the stoooove.....LOL

My kids have to at least try what I've made. If they don't like it, they are welcome to make themselves a sandwich or hotdog. I'm not making anything extra.

If my husband would have told me to help her, I would have said, "Why? Are your arms broken? I just made dinner. You want to help her, then have at it."

Your husband is being ridiculous. The child has many options and is being very disrespectful.

She can make herself something else, she can eat dinner, or she can go to bed early. Really, you are being very generous by letting her make something else to eat... I wouldn't be that nice.

If your husband wants to whine like a baby, then HE can go make her something to eat and cater to her bad behavior.

I have been trying new recipes lately also, I have a 12 and 9 yo. I try something new about every other night or twice a week. I make the new recipe with sides that I know the kids will eat. That way, they just eat an extra scoop of the sides if they don't care for the main item. I don't make weird stuff either, just a variation of all the stuff we normally eat. So there is no other option really. If its a recipe not all of us like, then I know not to make it anymore. But so far the kids have eaten everything except my 12 yo didnt like the southwest chicken salad but everyone else did. She ate all the lettuce and chicken but left the beans and that was ok. She also had extra corn bread. So I would say she doesn't get anything else, whether you make it or not. Good luck.

In our house you eat what is served. The kids also know that if they complain loudly and are rude or disrespectful they are immediately excused from the table.

I make a main dish, side dish and serve fruit and veggies so there is a wide variety and I always serve at least 1 or 2 things I know everyone likes. We don't have food battles, just rules.
My 7 y/o is not picky but he's not very good about eating his veggies. He has to take 3 bites.
Our 3 y/o is picky! We know there are a few things that he really does not like and I get that and don't force it b/c I do serve enough other stuff that he can get full. He does have to take 3 bites of everything tho. And he knows if he doesn't eat a good dinner then he is going to be hungry. He doesn't get a 2nd option. If he did he would eat chicken nuggets or a pb & j sandwich every night! If before bed he is hungry he can have a healthy snack like a banana or yogurt but no sweets.

I'd be livid with my husband for suggesting I needed to get up from my dinner and make a 10 y/o a sandwich.

I know how you feel sister, sitting down to feed yourself and then having to get right back to accommodate someone's needs.

I think at 10, she still wants to be nurtured by you, her Mom. And food is a classic item to nurture our kid with.

What I would probably do, is (1) have her taste the food prior to sitting down and see if she likes, and then have her or you re-heat up something else quick so you can all sit down together; (2) serve lots of variety at the table anyways, like the peanut butter and crackers, or cheese and crackers, or reheated leftovers, or hummus and flatbread, or nuts and applesauce....and then she has back up right there on the table.

I personally am not fond of American style meals, where there are such limited options. Believe me, I'm American and grew up on American cooking. I much prefer Korean food where there are always plenty of tasty, interesting vegetables to taste. Or Chinese food with lots of variety. And then everyone's pallettes are pleased. We grew up with the constant lecture of starving kids everywhere, and that approach never helped me enjoy a food anymore that I naturally could.

When my son hit that age, heck even younger, if he did not want what I fixed for dinner, he was welcome to fix himself something else. There was always something in the house - he ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for awhile. :P

If I made a new recipe and he tried it and honestly did not like it, I would fix him something quick instead - okay usually a PBJ sanwich. LOL But, if he refused to even try what I had prepared, he was on his own. What I did with my son to try new foods is I involved him in the process, we would read recipes together, and shop for ingredients, etc. It made him more willing to try the new food.

So, I do not think you are being horrible for telling her to fix herself something else if she does not like what you have prepared for dinner.

Oh, and why can't your hubby fix her something? That part confuses me :(

My 8 year old knows that if he doesn't want what I cook for dinner he can make HIMSELF a bowl of cereal or pull a pre-made pb&j out of the freezer. Outside of that, he can just go hungry. His choice. Period. No fighting about it. If 'nothing' was the choice that was made, there is no dessert and no snacks before bed.

And actually, I (from a suggestion here on MP) am the one who institiuted this policy. Unlike your husband, mine was perfectly willing to let them 'starve' should they choose not to eat. He would never tell me to make a seperate meal (even a sandwich) for each kiddo who doesn't want to eat.

I like your SWH! Make your HUSBAND make her a sandwich if it is so important to him!

I kind of see your husbands side only if this is a new problem and only caused by your new meals. Although I wouldn't let he have a seperate meal. If she used to be a great eater and now is having issues are the new meals worth her eating sandwiches all of the time? Do all of the other people love the new meals?

my daughter is 5 and has to eat what is made. Granted I don't make things I know she hates or if I'm making tacos will let her meat not be as spicy but she still has to eat. If I started making new meals my rules would stay the same, she has to eat them, BUT if it kept being a problem I'd reevaluate if it was worth the drama

If you allow this behavior, both hubby and daughter, then you are allowing them to think of you as a servant. Why in the world didn't hubby get off his hiney and go make her a sandwich? Are his legs working?

I am all for letting kids have something else if they don't like what's for dinner but I am not the servant of the household. If the kiddo chose to not make herself something then she is quite able to understand the consequences and deal with them. She is also old enough to be getting in the kitchen if her tummy is hurting and fix something then too BUT I can guarantee if she left a mess she'd have lost her kitchen privileges for a few days or until she cleaned it up the next morning.

She is old enough to make something for herself. When I was younger that was not even an option. I never tell my boys that they can not have anything else unless they don't finish what they are eating (With something they like) and I tell them they will finish it later. But if it's something they don't like they are old enough 9 and 13 to make something for themselves. Sometimes the 9 year old can't do it all on his own so one of us will help him.

She has got her daddy wrapped!!!

Good luck and God Bless!

I have an extremely picky eater who is 8. It's so bad that one night she'll complain about what we are eating and the next night she wants to eat it so sometimes, it all really depends on her mood. But it's so frustrating. We don't fix her seperate meals unless we know that she will not eat anything at all of what we are fixing. Now if we are fixing a combination of stuff like chicken, potatoes, and green beans, I'll just give her chicken and potatoes. We have switched to the mindset, this is dinner so if you're hungry you are going to eat. If not, then you get nothing. We are not a restaurant. We cater to her somewhat but we draw the line. We have yet to have a dinner without any type of complaining from her. I forgot what a peaceful dinner was like anymore. Now my son, he'll eat anything you put in front of him. So I go from one extreme to the other. I used to worry about her but as long as she isn't losing weight and is healthy, she is fine. But I am with you, I wouldn't fix a seperate meal for her. This is dinner and that's it. If anything, like you said, she is old enough to fix herself something different. I would leave it at that. If your husband thinks differently then maybe he ought to fix her something himself. She's not a helpless child and he needs to realize this. Good luck!

If she doesn't like what you fixed she can either starve or make herself something!! That is the rule in my house and my kids (5 and 11) eat or walk away. Tell your husband to fix her food if he doesn't like it. You are not a short order cook nor should you become one either!

Good luck!

When I made a meal for our family we ate it or nothing. The kids did fairly well eating everything but there were some who hated peas, or didn't like something else but they had to try it and if they didn't want to eat they could go without. That may sound cruel but with 8 kids I couldn't have 8 of them up making sandwiches or something else and there was nothing wrong with the food. I need to add none of them starved at all and all are healthy and well today. :-)

Maybe have her pick out a new recipe so she effectively gets to choose what is for dinner?

Or do a mixture of new food with some of the old regulars. LIke if you do a new meat dish, make sides that are some of the regulars so it's not all new.

But I do agree that she could go make her own meal. And if your husband doesn't think your daughter should have to do it, then have him make her an alternative meal. Maybe if he had to make the alternate meal all the time, he'd start suggesting that your daughter do it for herself.

It would be different if you were cooking something that was based off something she didn't like. For example, my sister hates seafood. When I was a kid, if my mom was cooking seafood, she'd also cook a little meat or make a sandwich that my sister could eat instead. But if my mom cooked some meat that I liked but it had something on it that I didn't like, I'd just scrape it off or pick around it.

Oh my goodness she's got her daddy wrapped around her finger:) You said it right . When we make dinner we have several options,if our boys (our 17 months old does not have those issues yet) do not like it(any of it).......well that's just too bad, they'll have to go to bed hungry(that never happens, they always give up:)) Go on youtube, find a video of kids that are starving in the 3rd word countries......and show it to her. Maybe it will teach her how to be thankful for food she is given.

My four year old is a picky eater and I have the three bite rule. I put one thing i know he will eat a lot of and then he has to take at least 3 bites of the other stuff. But he HAS to try it.