Disciplining a Sensitive Child

I know it's really difficult at times to not yell but it's important to work on keeping a calm reasonable voice. I grew up with yelling parents and am a yeller myself and so I know how difficult it is. She is most likely responding to your tone of voice. It says to her that you don't like her. I know your tone is because you don't like what she's doing. It might help to talk about that with her. Apologize for yelling and tell her you're working on not yelling; that you yell because you're frustrated with how she's acting. Emphasize how much you love her.

I think that once your recognize that yelling is not working, as you seem to have done here, that you'll find a way to remain calm.

I discovered after months of frustration that often all it took to get compliance is to stand mute and wait for my grand kids to do what I asked. I did usually have to restrain them. i.e. keep them from running away when my goal was getting them into the seat. This does mean having to start earlier in situations such as leaving and being more concerned with my grandchild's feelings than with being on time or getting the dishes done, etc.

It helps me to keep in mind my wish to treat them in as respectful way as I'd treat anyone else. I was a supervisor and knew that I could not gain compliance by showing my frustration. Same with children.

I also learned that when I started to feel the need to yell I stopped what I was doing and tried something else. I just stood, mute while I thought about what to try next. Often my grandchild complied while I was thinking. Sometimes silence is heard better than yells.

I tried using bribes along the way. If you get in the car now we'll stop for ice cream. Didn't work. Perhaps you can tell, getting into the car and fastening the seat belt was a big one for us. lol I discovered that my granddaughter needed some decompression time between preschool and home. So I got in the car with her, in the front seat, and held her for 10 or so minutes. We talked about whatever she wanted to talk about. I introduced stickers as a sometimes part of that time. I would say, as soon as we get your seat belt fastened I can give you your sticker. This may seem like a reward but there is a subtle difference. She would get that sticker anyway. It was already hers. She just needed to get her seat belt fastened first.

Doing things in order is similar. She wants to play but you want her to finish dinner. As soon as you take 3 more bites you can get down and play. As soon as you get into your pj's I'll read you a story.

I found it also helped to ask for her help by saying, I have to get to the store in 10 minutes. Will you help me get there fast? Let's count while I drive. Can we get there by the time we reach 20? Or while at the store she wants out of the cart and keep grabbing at the shelves. I'm looking for your favorite cereal. Will you help me find it? And then describe it. Give colors, describe package. Keep her involved.

Or perhaps sing with her. I usually took along a couple of toys or books to keep them occupied. When they were 2, I'd fold a blanket for a cushion and have them sit in the food part of the cart.

When wanting her to leave I'd have a race with her. I'm going to get to the car first. When they were older we would have a race to see who got their seat belt fastened first. Sometimes I gave them as many pennies as their age when they "beat" me which of course they nearly always did. lol

At 2 you can Hold her hand and say let's run. Turn everything that you can into a fun game. I actually think I play more as an adult than I did as a child. My parents were so serious and I was shy, scared, and obedient.

I don't ever try to talk when they are yelling/fighting. It's like arguing with a drunk from my adult experience. No one wins. Wait until they stop, which they will when they realize that you won't argue/fight.

When they would unfasten their seat belt, I would pull to the side of the road, tell them to fasten it again and then wait. I don't think I ever had to wait more than 5 minutes. They could not stand my silence.

I also had to learn to choose my battles. You don't want your diaper changed. OK, we won't change it. When they got uncomfortable they asked to be changed or they got whiny and were glad that I sympathized with how uncomfortable they were and let me change it. I didn't fight about changing clothes either. Dirty clothes just aren't that important. Some nights we didn't have a bath. Another good thing to have but not necessary. My theory is that kids respond to my ability to be flexible. If I once in awhile let go of my need to have them clean in clean clothes, for example, they were more willing to comply most of the time. I'd sometimes remind them of it. I let you stay in your dirty clothes yesterday but today we really do have to have on clean clothes.

My daughter allows her kids to sleep in their clothes if they don't want to put on their pjs. I'm a bit more willing to work on getting them changed. That's my preference. Back to the, I'll read you a story once you're in bed with your pjs on. And then wait them out. Didn't/doesn't always work. So, I bet I can get my pjs on quicker than you can might. Or, OK you can wear your clothes but you cannot get on your bed, said in a joking way. Then leave the room. No story. I'd come back in a few minutes and we might have a compromise. I'd help them get them on. lol

The idea is to make them think it's their idea. Fun and games often work when a serious request doesn't. Respect for them, which means not yelling, also helps.

When I was in training to be a supervisor I was told that if it came to the point that I had to use "I'm the boss" attitude or words, I'd already lost. No one, not even a baby/child want to feel that they have no choices. Not complying is always a choice. Also, there is always a consequence, positive or negative, for all choices. Lots of praise works really well no matter the age. Silence and a look of disapproval also works. A look of disapproval is more easily tied to the action in a person/child's mind then an angry voice.

Time outs and taking things away have never worked with my grandkids. They didn't work with my daughter either. So, I quit trying to use them. I gradually learned how to apply natural consequences. Now, taking a toy away when a child throws it is a natural consequence. Not giving it back until they're calm and not likely to throw it again is a natural consequence. But taking a favorite toy away because they wouldn't get in the car is not natural and just doesn't usually work.

An unexpected bonus for not yelling most of the time is that when I did yell they paid more attention to me. We would have a cuddle time afterwards when they'd done as asked and I'd calmed down. I would apologize.

I do not agree that a 2 year old is "smart enough" to lay down the guilt trip.

I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old (both boys). They have 2 totally and completely different personalities. I could yell at my 6 year old all day and he was hardly phased by it. If you raise your voice just the slightest bit with the 3 year old, he cries.

The first time it happened, he tried to reach up at the stove (while it was on) and I raised my voice for him to stop (it worked), but the lip came out and tears started flowing and his feelings were hurt and then said "do you still love me?" It broke my heart. This was not him trying to be manipulative, this was how much he was upset that I raised my voice at him.

We tell the boys that we will always love them and we still love them, even when we have to "yell" at them (there really is rarely yelling in our house...like you, we may have to raise our voices to be heard over the chaos...)

We use 1-2-3 Magic as part of the "time outs." It took my oldest (who was 2 at the time) almost 30 minutes to do his 2 minutes. But each time got shorter and shorter and now, if they need to be removed from the situation, they are completely content to go sit on their beds for either 6 or 3 minutes. I would definitely look into 1-2-3 Magic.

I feel your pain though for the sensitive child.

Toss the idea of time outs ....out the window!!! Think about it from her viewpoint....she is upset...she is bubbling over with emotions and then you tell her to SIT QUIETLY in a spot that is removed from you, her source of comfort and security. My grandson is 2 1/2 years old and has always been so sweet natured and easy to reason with but now he is also displaying some of the things that you are describing in your daughter. He HATES having to lay still long enough to get his diaper changed....but they try to make a game out of is...."How far can you count before I get your diaper changed" or "can you tell me a story while I change your diaper?".His parents practice what I believe is called "active listening" when he is upset about something, let's say he wants to continue playing with his blocks, but they really REALLY need to leave to go to an appointment....their end of the conversation may go something like this "KIeran, I understand that you want to continue playing with your blocks but Mama really needs to get to Susies house in just a few minutes" "Let's play with the blocks when we get back home and we can build a big castle!!".She has a couple of games she plays with him to get him into the carseat, she pretends that he is an astronaut and they have a countdown as they buckle him into the carseator that they are getting ready to float down the river on a great adventure and this is his lifeboat. Make it a game, think like a 2 year old. My daughter has a great website that you would be more than welcome to check out, she has tons of fantastic ideas of her own and from other friends of hers online that are doing the same type of parenting techniques with their children. Her website is http://codenamemama.com/ stop by and look around if you think you would be interested ( and get to meet my fantastic grandson as an extra added treat...lol). She has done several articles just recently on gentle parenting and things that go right along with the question you asked.
Good luck and enjoy your terrific two year old!!!

Finding out what is going to work specifically for your daughter is key-but here's something you need go be careful of: allowing her reaction to her punishments dictate whether or how you punish her. She sounds like a smart little girl and what she is doing is a classic guilt trip routine. Of course she will talk about specific times when you've made her cry-because she sees that it makes you feel bad. You can be firm without worrying about breaking her spirit-punishment is necessary as long as it is a consequence of their actions and is not cruel...and making her go into her carseat is NOT cruel! Be careful that you don't make her more sensitive or allow her to manipulate you-and DON'T give in on your punishments. If she goes to time-out and freaks out-put her in her room or away from you so that she doesn't think she can punish you by making you listen to her tantrum for laying down the law. When she cries and says you "made" her cry-turn it around and put the blame back on her shoulders where it belongs. Firmly tell her, "No Amelia made herself cry by misbehaving and making Mommy take that away/put her in time-out/put her in carseat." This changes the child's mindframe so that she learns that she can't make you feel bad for your actions and it draws a direct line between action and punishment so she begins to think of it in terms of her bad behavior leading to her feeling bad.

I know that discipline is a tricky and difficult area. Remember that you are the parent and though she gets mad at you now, you are helping to shape the kind of person she will be in the future, and wouldn't you rather- for her happiness as much as everyone else's- to have her grow to be a sweet woman who takes responsibility for her actions and recognizes consequences, rather than a fit throwing girl who thinks she can manipulate her way of out situations and always blame others for her own problems. That attitude might seem extreme since she is only 2, but pretty soon she'll be 20 and the lessons she learns now will affect her then.

Good luck!

Ok - I speak from experience (3 kids - daughter 19, son 16, daughter 15) and I have 3 kids who are each very different individuals, and each required a little bit of "tweaking" to get the message through. But I'll tell you - I never stood embarrassed in a grocery store or restaurant with a child that was out of control. That being said - it sounds like you're on the right track with the techniques that you're using. First born girls are often very bright - and she's already thinking circles around you! Are you kidding? She's workin' the guilt thing with re-running the past, and it sounds like she's constantly questioning your authority. She's doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing. All I can say is stand your ground! That's what she needs to see - that no matter what - the rule is the same. Let her make those little choices - "We can change your diaper now, or after we (sing a short song, count to ten, look at a short book, etc)______". If she just won't cooperate, then there are consequences. I had the "thinking chair" for time-out. They had to sit there for one minute for every year of their age. If they cried, they sat there. If they got up, the time didn't start til their butt was in the chair. Hey - my oldest actually cried so hard she threw up on the chair twice! But when the time was up - the matter was forgotten in my eyes, and I hugged and kissed them and went on with the day. Don't put up with the tantrums. Don't give her attention when she throws one - or whines. I left many stores at one time or another - just turned around and walked right out the door (to my toddlers surprise) and went back home if they wouldn't behave.
Try to keep your yelling to a minimum - I know it's hard, but it's easier to get her to stop yelling if you're not - really. Just refuse to talk to her until she can talk in a regular voice. Trust me - an exhausted kid is much less likely to keep misbehaving. Stand your ground. Keep the rules simple, the consequences simple, and lots of kisses and hugs when she gets it right. And celebrate extended lengths of good behavior with rewards. Not necessarily something you buy, but maybe with a trip to the library, or the park. Having your undivided attention with you happy with her is the best reward. Read a special book - get a couple from the library and put them out of reach, reserved for when she's been good. Or a special toy that you both can play with together.
DON'T waste a lot of time explaining YOUR feelings. She is too young to understand them and she doesn't need to care.
Of course, you know that time-outs (and my version of time-outs: on the "thinking chair", time not starting til they are quiet, and the chair is just in the hallway or just outside the kitchen where I'm working - NOT in a room alone) obviously cannot be used for every instance, like not wanting her diaper changed. In those cases, just a distraction like making up a song about it, or a story about it usually does the trick.

Your daughter is not too young for you to initiate the wonderful processes outlined in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way.

I use this approach with my grandson, and it really helps him when he's having a not-so-happy time. Discipline and punishment, as those terms are generally used, are seldom needed. Fabulous. And the silence Marda finds so effective is a big feature of these techniques.

You're right that a lot of this is normal expression for a child, especially a 2 year old as she goes through development and starts to exert some independence.

If you don't want her to yell, then try REALLY HARD not to yell back. It's not working anyway. We get so frustrated and we yell - and I've been so guilty of it - but I finally realized my child is not hard of hearing and that I accomplish nothing by yelling. She's probably a little young for time outs so you really may have to continue to redirect her. It's hard to know when time outs start to work. The tough thing is not to respond to the whining. She starts it because it's a normal thing to do particularly at this age, but she continues to do it because it works. The tough thing is to NOT RESPOND - and oh is that hard. If she has a tantrum and doesn't get her way, she will figure out that tantrums don't work. She needs to learn how to express her independence - and I'm glad you want to encourage that - but to do it in appropriate ways. As she develops more verbal skills that will get easier. You can help her by giving her the words to express her feelings - I understand that you are sad, I know that you are frustrated, I know that you want that toy, etc. Don't try to reason with her - just put her in the tub, in the car seat, on the changing table without engaging in screaming. Put her in her room if you have to, and leave. Do not sit there and continue to try to talk over her. Let her blow off steam and then move on. If she won't get dressed, then take her out in her pajamas - it's not the worst thing in the world. If she won't put on her pjs, let her sleep in her clothes unless they are truly filthy. Try to choose your battles. She needs a clean diaper and she needs to brush her teeth, but there are other things that can slide. You can't tolerate terribly misbehaving, but if she chooses to spend her morning screaming, that's her misery too. She'll figure out it isn't much fun. If she gets your attention, it reinforces the negative. I just think of that old saying, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. You can't control her behavior, only your own. Good luck.

1,2,3 magic is the way to go at this age. the tears etc are a great trick that 2 year old (actually just about all ages of little girls) can turn on at will. and hey look its working. If she has the great memory then she should be able to understand that if she has a meltdown over being told no she will get a time out. at her age time out should be 1 minute for each year of her age. put her in time out. its ok if she cries. its not ok to kick the wall or scream. each time she screams and or leaves the spot you start over. and have a timer for this its a great visual. she will "get it" quickly. and you will be so much happier.

oh yeah about the giving choices thing. Its ok to give choices if your actually ok with the choice she makes lol. if you are adament that she wear a specific outfit then only give her a choice of 2 things and both of them need to be ok with you. and if going to bed is the option then don't say "its time for bed now ok..." because its not up to her. its time for bed lets go.

i am personally not impressed with the results i get from offering choices. i wonder if that's meant more for kids who are never offered any at all. when offered a choice of whether to brush his teeth first or go potty first, my kid mostly just says, " i don't want either." because he knows it means it's almost time for bed. anyway...it sounds like possibly you and hubby are jumping around on her, trying different "techniques" for discipline hoping to find one that works magically. i would stick to time outs. in fact, in the park situation, try giving her a 5 minute warning (which ends about 5 minutes before you would actually "have" to leave), then when it's time to go, and she throws a fit, sit her in time out right there on the curb next to the car. sure, you don't have to leave. but you'll sit in time out and watch all the other children playing. and THEN you'll leave. that's what i'd do. i find that if the reward for disobedience is a time out, impractical or not (i've left walmart and church for car time outs before), they're more likely to obey when they're told to do something. and i guess in a way i do give him a choice - it's his choice to do as he's told, or get a time out. if he choses time out, he will still do as he was told, just after it's done. wow it sounds really rigid putting it that way.

but yes, i would stop yelling at her. i honestly don't think a two year old has the thought process to run a guilt trip on you, that would require a bit of deviousness that i just don't think they have at this age *unless they've learned it from the adults around them. it probably really hurts her feelings (and maybe her ears!) when you yell. i am a pretty sensitive/shy person myself, and things affect me deeply - i am very upset/affected when mistreated, and it can take me a LONG time to get past it. to the point of holding a grudge. but it's not because i am vengeful, it's because i am still feeling the hurt from the incident. my son is the same way about remembering particularly upsetting incidents. not just from personal interactions, but he was 2 when we had a house fire, and he still brings it up a year and a half later. if she is as shy/sensitive as you say, time outs will probably "hurt her feelings" too, but in a gentler way, and she will learn from it. just be consistent. hang in there mama!

I don't have much time, but I just wanted to say that you're on the right track. As for the yelling, clue your daughter in that you're getting angry. My daughter at 5 is still very sensitive, and I can say to her, "look, I've asked you to do something twice and you haven't listened. I'm getting very angry with you, and that isn't fun for either of us." Sometimes saying that in a low voice signifies that I'm serious, and she can pull it together. Of course, that's only for things that aren't major disiplinary infractions - those land her in the naughty spot right away, and she can tantrum all she wants, but she's got to learn.

Oh (I'm getting longer than I want to), I've found that making the "time out" last about one minute longer than the tantrum itself works wonders. So my daughter will sometimes spend 4 minutes whining about how its not fair that she's being punished (which I totally ignore) but then 1 minute getting contrite and pulling it together.

Good luck.

stick to your guns. She sounds like a smart kid who might be playing Mommy's guilt trip quite handily!

My daughter, who is nearly three, has behaved this way with some frequency since about that age.

I don't think time outs are effective for the behavior you are describing, especially at this age. I agree children need some structure and discipline but seriously, it makes no sense to me to implement a time out because a toddler doesn't want her diaper changed. Of course she doesn't and she's expressing her emotions, why stifle her. We find what works best is distraction, changing the subject and most definitely talking in very low voices (no yelling). I've only raised my voice a few times in some of our battles and it did not help one iota in fact once she told me to stop because I was "upsetting her". Poor sweetie.

As for resistance to leaving the park, this is not uncommon and I don' t think it reasonable to expect her to leave willingly every time . She's TWO! SHe wants to PLAY! it's natural. However, what we do is start with the 5 or 10 minute warning. We make it a game - she'll ask - do we still have 2 minutes? Do we have to go yet? And if at the end of the time she doesn't want to go, i still carry her off kicking and screaming. It doesn't last long and I cannot imagine putting her in a time out would be remotely effective either in the short or long term. Seriously, she's TWO!

Also, I don't think she's manipulating you - I agree with the posts who said she's probably traumatized by the times you guys really got into a struggle and she and you both became upset. It makes an impression on them at that age, they are taking everything in and they model their behavoir on ours. So set a good example, remain calm and do what you need to do.

Good luck.