Discipline - Keystone,IA

Ha, you have my children. It is such a struggle. My kids complained that I did not write the chores down for them. So I made a list. Then they didn't know the list was there. Really. Everyday, I get home and most of the stuff is not done. Though my son does his best to get his stuff done. My fight with him is getting his homework done-if he remembered to bring it all home. He is a procrastinator. I make the kids go over their list every night and they have to do their chores before they get to do anything else. Even better is when we are watching a good show on Discover Channel or Animal Planet-or Hannah Montana is on. They miss out. I have also grounded them for continuously not doing these. My kids are not ADHD or anything like that. But one of my girls has my father's stubborn streak and she is always right. My nephew is ADHD and my brother treats him just like any other child with punishment and grounding so I am guessing yo ucould do the same.
Lately, I have started adding extra chores to their list for not completing something. My daughter saw the new list last night and complained that my son has less stuff to do . i told her it is because she doesn't finish her stuff. Oh well.

We also have a cat and I have threatened to give them a small bowl of food for the day so they can see what it is like to only get fed one time for the whole day. They didn't care for that at all. I think the hardest part is that when you are not home to supervise the chores, they can kind of get away with not doing them. These are stubborn years.

What if we just expected the best from our children and punished them less? I have a just turned 8 year-old, and I know that I get frustrated sometimes. But I get the best results when I just work with her instead of in opposition. Our children are born motivated, we inadvertantly take this motivation away with our methods of punishment and "rewards" (read "Drive" by Daniel Pink). We are not raising children, we are raising adults. Do we want adults who follow our commands or think for themselves? The first is easy, the second is more rewarding.

And for the previous responders - please do not take away mattresses or restrict food. I previously raised two step-children and a foster child whose parents used these exact punishments. They don't work, they humiliate the child, and in our case, led to children (teen-agers) entering the legal system, changing homes and legal custody.

Hi R.
I also have a 10 and 7 year old. We were also having problems with them not doing their chores and me feeling like a bad mom because I was always yelling. what we started to do was not let them do anything until there chores where done. we needed to find their currency for my son it was the PS3 for my daughter it is talking to her freinds and having them over. So now when things are not done they lose these items and if they contuine to not get done they start to loose basic privleges such as the mattress on their bed. It has really changed both their attiudes and I am happy to report neither of them has lost their mattress yet. Good luck this is a difficult stage right now.

Hi R.,

I have recently had some in depth training on a prgram called The One Week Parenting Miracle. It is a program directed at pre-adolescent kids that has specific benefits for kids with ADHD. I've used this program with my own kids and it has helped me feel so much more in control, emotions in check, etc when disciplining. If you are consistant you will see some great changes. My home is a more positive place since I started this program. Check out the website www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com for more information. Good luck with your kids!

E.

This is parenthood. I remember thinking...Why can't you just be GOOD?!

Take time for yourself to renew, be sure DH is your partner and takes part.

Spend some time on your knees.

Best wishes!

Try a book called 1-2-3 Magic. I hate the title because it sounds like you wave your magic wand and then presto your kids are perfect. Not true. But it does give you and them the skills to live together peacefully and handle conflicts/misbehavior without drama or yelling.

Read Love and Logic. Google it. They've published numerous books on parenting that will really help you to get ahold of these behaviors and parent like you've got it all figured out (even when you sometimes don't!)! They're wonderful, awesome, simple and direct instructions will help you to communicate more effectively with your children and teach you how to follow through with what you say. Go to your local library and check out anything they have by this group of authors. Or buy a book. And then follow their advice. You'll be a new woman! Good luck!

Try reading the book, Smart Discipline. You can probably check it out of the library. Using the Smart discipline system makes it much easier. In our home, we expect good behavior, we don't reward it. If they break a rule, there are consequences. The rules and the consequences are clearly defined in our home so everyone knows what is expected. This approach has really helped my kids realize that they are responsible for their behavior (and their consequences). It's amazing how quickly things change. Good luck!