Desparate Need of Help with My 3 Yr Old

"terrible Twos" is a definite misnomer...it really starts at 3...and maybe there's a wee bit of "jealousy" going on too...I found that ignoring and walking away from the tantrums, although difficult, helped along with the time-outs -- discipline for her(also takes her out of the situatuion) and gives mom a few minutes to take a deep breath and regroup....good luck

I remember my pediatrician telling me "Terrible 2's nah, it's the 3's you need to worry about!"
No judgement - for sure! She is begining to assert her will and explore her emotions - good and bad.
I do think that you are making some good choices by puting her in time out or simply removing her from the situation when she is tantruming.
Beyond that when she gets all upset. Tell her to stop, calm down and when she can speak (not yell) you will listen to her. also, by not jumping to do what she wants when she yells you will keep from reinforcing that that is the behavior that works. There have been times when my kids yell or demand something and I have simply said, "with an attitude like that, you can do it yourself" and then left the room. Maybe not appropriate for a 3 yo, but If needed, walk away and let her yell in the room all by herself. When she comes out ask, "Are you ready to act like a big girl?" (or Use your words, etc. whatever terms you use at your house.
We all loose our cool, but I would try your darndest to refrain from yelling too. Only reinforces that as acceptable behavior. (sorry - not criticism - honest, just a friendly reminder!!)
Good luck! I am sure a lot of good advice will come your way here!

You've got lots of good responses. I think it's safe to say we all feel for you and all recognize this behavior from children this age as normal, unfortunately. I totally agree with terrible threes, not twos. Two was totally fine! The sh** hit the fan when my little one turned 3. everything you describe except the loud noises. And EXTREMELY fussy about what she would wear, or getting dressed at all for that matter. I can say she's going to turn 4 in a few weeks and it is MUCH better. Still has some instances of these tantrums etc, but they are much rarer.

Not that it's helpful in solving your immediate problems, but it does sound normal. Perhaps you can engage your husband in reading these responses and such so that he knows it's normal too, and together you can devise some coping strategies? You do want to make sure you acknowledge these stressors and not blame each other for whatever is going on.

Good luck!

I don't have any real answers for you....my grandson who is 3.5 years old has suddenly become a bit of a terror himself...fits for no reason that ANY of us can seem to understand...demanding that each of us do exactly as he wants ( Grandma sit here...Grandpa don't look at me...Mama hold the book THIS way etc)...until Mama or Papa reminds him that he is NOT in charge of the entire world. ( If you don't like the way Grandpa is looking at you...don't look at him!!)
I think a lot of it is that their world is expanding SO quickly and they just don't have the capability of dealing with it all..Talk to her about her emotions..."Honey I know you are feeling frustrated...use your words to tell Mama what you want". And I agree with Amanda...use different approaches to things...your daughter is growing and maturing...so your methods of dealing with her need to change to. I love the playful parenting approach...."lets see if we can hop on one foot to the bathroom" or "lets see who can buckle their seat belt first"...whatever you can do to distract from being frustrated and make it a "game"
And most of all...take it one little bit at a time...don't get too frustrated at the small events...and remember...THIS TOO SHALL PASS !!! ( I promise!!!)

Is she getting enough sleep? I know my girls tend to be more naughty and demanding when they are tired. That is the first thing I would check, especially if she isn't sleeping good or going to sleep good at night. But I also think she is striving for attention.

So two things, be sure to give her structure and discipline as it sounds like at preschool things go well. And make sure your giving her some one on one time without her sibling. Perhaps that will help.

THANK YOU for posting this. I was planning to write for some advice on this as well. I have a 3.5 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. My daughter is also very smart, very vocal, and highly emotional. Am told does well in preschool. The past month I would say her emotions and sensitivity are at an all time high, and on the flip side, she is defiant, testing boundaries, makes lots of faces over seemingly mundane things (mad face, sad face, rarely a happy face unless it is contrived! or we have to tickle her or something to get her to laugh). I was in tears the other day because she just seemed sooo miserable and nothing like my happy go lucky little girl I just recently knew. (I hear lots of "She hurt my feelings" or "He bumped into me"). She too loves her baby brother, wants to care for him, hug him, kiss him and I have been surprised how well the transition has gone. But I wonder if there is some latent resentment? Life is definitely busier and maybe they sense that there is just not as much time for them anymore? Or, like everyone is saying, 3 is the tough age (2 really was a breeze). Wow - help me when she goes through adolescence!!!! I don't have any real answers for you, I am in the thick of it myself. Each day is challenging and I try to be respectful of her feelings and emotions, because they seem so real to her. Give her lots of close snuggling time, reading books, kisses and hugs. Just be there for her and try to see things from her perspective - what an overwhelming world they must be experiencing at this age - things are really starting to click in their brains and they are understanding and getting more in tune with how they feel and the emotions of others. My daughter also dropped her nap at 3 and I am wondering if it might benefit her to have a nap again. In the meantime.... I have coffee in the morning, wine in the evening :) :) Good luck!!

She is 3. She is a "Big" sister. She wants to do it all NOW! then she doesn't.. Think of it as a nice long year of PMS.

Totally normal, but maddening.

Children this age are absorbing and learning all of the time. Their minds are on over drive. They do not want to stop, unless it in their idea. They also want to do it themselves, until all of a sudden they want you to do it.

The best way to help 3 year old is to let them know what a big helper she is.
Let her know you like when she puts her own shoes on.
You like that she remembered to brush her own teeth.
This will show you are seeing her. You do not have to go overboard, but it is that little pat on the head that lets her know she is not being overshadowed by the baby.

She also need to be told what to expect for each day. A good schedule, will make her feel secure. At the beginning of the day, let her know how it is all going to go down that day. Today after breakfast, you can play for 30 minutes, and then I will need your help getting ready to go to the grocery store. Then give her the 5 more minutes of play, then "you need to put away your toys, thank you. "

"Help me pack baby sisters bag."
" How many diapers are in there?"
" Did you pick a snack and drink to take to the store?"
"Remember, we do not buy snacks and drinks while shopping."
" Please help me find my sunglasses."

Here are some choices about clothing and shoes. Only pick 1 per situation.

"Do you want to wear the sandals or the tennis shoes?"
"Do you want help, Or can you do that yourself?"
"Wow, you got ready all by yourself. Thank you."

Throwing tantrums. ignore them, EVERY TIME. Step over her and ignore her. If she follows you, walk away and even go into your own room and close the door. Tell her that "mom is in time out".

Once she calms down, speak with her about how you do not like when she throws fits. It is easier to talk then to throw a fit.

If you see one escalating, look at her with a blank face and ask, "Do you need a hug?" "Do you need some quiet time?" "Do you need to go outside and run around for a few minutes?"

This will help her recognize that she is about to lose control, but there are some options.

She's growing. It's a rough age. We've all been there.

The stage of maturing from a toddler to a preschooler to a kindergartner is stressful for a kid - they want to be grownups, but still can't communicate well enough, or have enough coordination. That makes it stressful for parents, too.

It helps a little to help her identify what she's feeling. Sometimes, kids' vocabulary needs to expand a bit. They don't know "frustrating," "irritating," aggravated," and sometimes they even get confused about "excited," "sad," and "angry." And show her what it means when you are these things, too, and label them for her. It's okay to let her know that you feel irritated or frustrated sometimes. Just, try to let her know that you are irritated with the situation, and not her.

Count ten deep breaths. For both of you - do it together. It really helps. (Sometimes DD and I have to count to higher numbers. We have, um, similar tempers.)

Try different tactics - all the time. It took us a while to realize that as our daughter is growing, the things that worked before won't anymore. For instance, when it's time to brush teeth, instead of saying "Go to the bathroom, now!" Try instead, "I'll race you to the sink!" Mix it in with "Can you hop on one foot all the way to the bathroom?" Or whatever. Be creative.

Mind you, it helps, but it won't be overnight. A lot of this is a maturity thing. She's just going to have to grow out of it.

Hang in there, mama. Try to remember not to cry over spilt milk, literally. And pour yourself another cup of coffee. (Not decaf.) Add a little chocolate. You deserve it.

I have two boys 11 and 12 and I remember a few of these stages. In all reality, this could be any number of things. You may never know what is really going on. That said, one thing I have learned is that you have to unemotionally tell her that this behavior is disruptive to the family and she can do this by herself in the privacy of her room. Take her to her room and let her cry it out, yell, whatever, but she cannot do this in the middle of life. She may be teething, have an earache, have a urinary infection...all these things make a child very unpredictable and cranky. Ask her (when she is calm and happy) if she is feeling any thing that is hurting her? If you are having a really bad day, give her a junior tylenol and see if it helps. If it does, it may be time to see a DR or know that teething a molar might be coming. At any rate, don't worry too much, pray if you are religious - alone and with her... let her know that this is not acceptable and you need her help to fix the issue. This will pass... it will not be long before another stage happens. I am thinking of you....You will figure this out and you will have peace - may not be a lot of peace, but there will be moments! Be grateful for those moments! Good luck mommy!

Give her one-on-one attention, without the baby, when you can.

In addition, since you say she is a strong personality, she will benefit from swift consequences, with minimal talking and NO yelling. You can just silently put her in time out, or put her in her room for a few minutes. You can do this without saying a word. Don't yell though, she will thrive on that and it will amp her up more.

But be sure and give her the attention.

Hi G., I have a girl who was 3 in April, and this definitely describes her. We have no other children, so that might be helpful to know that this may be an age/stage thing for strong-willed girls with or without siblings.

It has been very challenging, in public and private, with the extreme behavior/reactions. I will be reading the advice others may give as well. Hang in there!

I think she is picking up on on your stress level and also the stress in the house. She may also be worried about the baby too. It sounds like she is anxious. I would really try to be as calm and patient overall and reassure her as much as possible. As for the baby's eczema, does he have allergies? My son's eczema was from a dairy allergy and he was irritable for so long until I realized it. Does the baby cry a lot because of the reflux and eczema? That can be stressful as well. Try to get some help with childcare so you and your daughter can have quiet, happytime together.

I feel horrible about my answer, I've given this response ....a lot it seems!

BUT, it truly works, so here goes: "1-2-3 Magic" video. Buy it today. It will save your life!

Aaah, my son is a late bloomer and started this at age 4! He can be so sweet, active, helpful...just wonderful, and then he falls apart. he is trying to drop his nap, and I am desperately trying to show him the link to his bad days (I might am well herd cats, I know) so that he will be less resistent to napping. One thing that has been working when he is in a full on, unreasonable rage is just scooping him up, bringing him into the bathroom or quiet room with a chair. I snuggle him from behind and silently hold/rock him...soothe him like a baby. I can feel his stress/tension just melt away as he cries it out. Once he settles we usually walk or snack and try to talk about what happens, but usually he asks not to (he seems embarrassed by his behavior and realizes how over-the-top he was). It is good to hear that this is NORMAL. Stick with it. BTW, I have nick-named it the f***ing fours. :)

sensitivity to loud noises and bad tantrums are a red flag to me that there could be something else going on with her. I'm not an expert but perhaps you can talk to her pedi.

I don't have much advice but hopefully this will help.
It is normal! I have 2 boys, now 5 and 7 yrs old. When they were 3 I had the same problems. I felt that they were no longer the happy kids they were, always crying and unhappy, EVERYTHING was a battle. It brought me to tears almost everyday. I think I even put a post on here for advice when my second son was 3 yrs old. They want to be independent but don't know how to be and it is frustrating for them. Having some of your attention taken away by the baby probably makes it a bit harder on your daughter.
Your daughter will be fine and so will you and the baby, just take a few deep breathes!
Good luck!