A few months ago my doctor diagnosed me with depression. She thought that the birth control I was using (The Depo Shot) was causing the depression so she had me get off of that and use a different type of birth control (The Patch). I tried it for a little over a month but the side effects from the patch were horrible, and the depression didn't go away so I went back to the shot (The Depo is really my only choice for birth control. I can't remember to take pills on a daily basis, even with an alarm. My boyfriend can't climax if he's wearing a condom (No, he doesn't masturbate). The patch caused horrible side effects. I really don't like the idea of an IUD.).
Some days, I feel fine. I'm perfectly happy and enjoy my day. Other days, I just don't want to leave my room. I just feel down, and not in the mood to be around anyone. But it's not like I have a horrible life.
I hate my job (Can't quite), but at least I have a job.
I'm still living at home with my parents (My boyfriend and I are both living at home to save money, and are planning on either building our house or buying a house in late January or early February of 2012) and hate living here (I don't get along with my family and the house is so messy that it's not safe for my son... My room is clean, but it's pointless trying to keep any of the common rooms clean because it will be trashed again by the next day), but at least I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head.
My boyfriend and I rarely have sex anymore (We've been together for almost 3 years, so please no lectures on us having sex or getting a house together). After my son was born, sex never went back to normal for me. Almost a year later, it still hurts. So now I just have no interest in it, because I don't enjoy it. At the same time, I know that he wants it. We have sex maybe once a month, and on the days where I know we are going to have sex I get very moody and withdrawn because I am NOT looking forward to the pain. I know he will understand if we just don't have sex, but it's not fair to him to be in a relationship where there is no sex. I have been to the doctor many times for this problem, and I can't afford to keep going back. They don't know what's wrong other than the fact that the episiotomy didn't heal right. They treated that, but it still hurts. I'm hoping that it's all in my head and that it will get better when we are living together and I get help from him with our son on a daily basis (At the moment he lives an hour away, so we only get to see him on the weekends. On the weekends, he is a great dad and pretty much does everything for are son while I take a little break. I just can't wait to have his help every day... Plus, our son is now 1 and he is realizing that daddy is gone (It gets a little annoying to hear our son saying 'daddy daddy daddy' all day every day until the weekend). Plus, I am a little mad at him for not proposing to me yet. He always says how he can't wait until we are married, but when I ask him why there isn't a ring on my finger yet it's always the same excuse (We have been saving our money for a long time now and I don't want to spend $600 on a ring when we are so close to reaching our goal of getting a house). I completely understand why he doesn't want to spend the money, and I would rather be living with him than having a ring on my finger... I'm just insecure and feel like without a ring on my finger, our relationship could end at any time. Where as if I had a ring on my finger, I think that I would just feel more secure about our relationship. He's never given me a reason to think that he wants to break up with me... I'm just insecure because of many bad past experiences.
Anyways, the past few days I've been feeling really down but I don't know why. Nothing has really changed other than I've been getting yelled at a little bit more at home (My sisters and I have to rotate doing barn chores to help my dad. I ALWAYS do them when it is my turn, and if for some reason I can't I switch turns with one of my sisters ahead of time so that the chores still get done. My sisters, however, always come up with excuses not to do them. When they don't do them, my dad yells at ME because the chores aren't done... I don't know his reasoning behind yelling at me, but I'm the one who gets yelled at for their laziness).
It's gotten to the point where, when I'm driving to work I fantasize about getting into a car accident. I DON'T want to die. I just want a break from it all. Lying in a hospital bed for a few days sounds like heaven to me right now. I'm not doing to purposely get into a car accident. I can't afford to repair the damage to my car, or the hospital bills that would follow. Plus, like I said, I don't want to die and I am too scared that something would go wrong and instead of lying in a hospital bed I would be lying in my grave.
I can't afford to go to counseling. My insurance has a $2000 deductible. I am embarrassed to go to my doctor for help. I am very used to putting on a front for people, especially my doctor and my family. I don't want anyone to think that I'm a bad mother for being depressed. I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to go off the deep end and hurt my son, because I'm not. I'm scared that they will think that I might and they might take him away from me. Plus, the only thing my doctor could do for me is give me anti-depressants and like I said before, I suck at taking pills on a daily basis.
I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. The only person that I think of as a friend is focused solely on herself. Don't get me wrong, I love the hell out of her... She is just a bad listener when it comes to other people's problems.
I can't afford to go on vacation or take a few days off of work.
Can some one please tell me that it's going to get better? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
This may sound silly or simple, but I have found that exercise is extremely helpful!!! I just take a brisk walk and feel like a new woman.
I hope you feel better soon.
You just listed a million reasons on "why" you are depressed, so I don't understand why your heading says you "don't know why". And yes, it will get better. Life is full of ups and downs. You do what you can to actively make your life better. The things you can't change on your own will take care of themselves eventually. Its the circle of life...you must experience the lows to appreciate the highs. Good luck.
Depression is a medical condition, that's why.
IUDs, particularly Mirena, cause crazy emotional side effects. If you're already depressed, don't use that.
All guys masturbate. ALL OF THEM.
Sounds like you have the same stresses and disappointments as everybody else, you're just not managing them.
You either a- need to go on an antidepressant medication, or b- suck up the deductible and seek counseling. Check your state's mental health services; they can help with the cost.
Make a list of what makes you unhappy, and be proactive, do something about it, create your own happiness. Nothing in life is handed to anyone.
V. Rae:
Depression is a medical condition. You need to suck up and go to the doctor for meds and counseling.
You alone are responsible for your happiness. No one else is. You have to make the conscious decision every day to be happy. ONLY YOU can change your circumstances.
Look into grants for going to school so you can improve your job status. College or a trade school can be a life changing event for someone. You are only 18 or 19 years old. Don't let having a baby stop you from going to college.
Put your resume out there for other jobs. You never know what will happen until you try. Sticking in the rut isn't changing it.
You already know my opinion on everything else and that's what it is...my opinion...you have too much on your plate and you are having trouble prioritizing it and figuring out exactly where you fit in with your relationship.
You are upset that your boyfriend, who is 12 years your senior, always has excuses as to why the ring isn't on your finger. Tell him to put up or shut up. It's not the price of the ring, but the INTENT behind it. Tell him to stop with the excuses. tell him what YOU need to feel secure.
I hope that you are not just handing your paycheck over to him and letting him deal with the money alone.
Make a list of things that need to be done. Then find a way to get them done. All around you right now is "darkness" - right? That's because you are overwhelmed. So what is your #1 priority? Write it down and set goals for yourself. You say the purchase for the home is less than 4months away - have you started looking and putting contracts on anything? If not - why?
Sometimes closings can take at least 30 days to complete...with inspections, unexpected liens, problems, etc. so why aren't you looking at properties and talking to architects to build the home if that's what you are going to do? Just because the goal is Feb 2012, doesn't mean that the ground work should not be being done already.
Start a journal and get your feelings written down. that will help as well. since your best friend doesn't listen or care about anyone other than herself, you need to "vent" or get your feelings out somehow - so a journal will work.
As to the sex thing? Once you have better medical insurance, go get a second opinion and find out why it hurts. It should NOT hurt. I know you know this. But I am telling you that I UNDERSTAND.
Start walking. Do something for YOURSELF that doesn't cost you money. If it means taking your son to the park, do it. Find something you can do that will get you out of the house and involved with OTHER people - not just your boyfriend or work or family - but someone else - this will be a good thing for you - even if it means going to the library for book readings, etc. find something that interests YOU. You have to be your #1 priority. YOU have to take care of you.
Good luck!
V. Rae,
You're almost there. It's VERY close to Jan/Feb 2012. Studies show that we can put up with a LOT IF we know there is an end in sight.
Your end IS in sight!
You feel hopeless because so much of your life is out of your control right now. (Where you live, the condition of the common rooms, your father's blame for someone else's laziness, money tight due to saving, bf living an hour away, etc.
I'll bet once you are more "in control" of your day-to-day you will feel better.
I'm not dismissing the idea of meds...and you CAN take pills...you just need to LEARN how to do it. If the payoff is worth it--we can re-train ourselves. Say....noon....THAT's the time--every day, etc.
All the best!
You need counseling. VERY MUCH! And the good news is that it will do wonders for you. Someone like you really needs to get it all out. You will feel so much better. And some meds may help as well. And it's not forever, just until you feel back to you old self.
And as for the pill taking - do you brush your teeth every day or make coffee every day or do something every day?? Then that's where you pills should go. Perhaps in the coffee sup holder in the car or on your desk at work. Find a place and make it work. You need to help yourself.
Counseling - there is lots of free counseling out there. Start with your doctor for a suggestion (both your primary and OB/GYN). Also call your local hospital for a referral. Also look up some counselors and give them a call - tell them you have a deducible that you can't meet and ask them if they do any pro bono work or if they know of anyone.
You need to find help for yourself. Just seek out some help - I promise, you'll feel so much better once you start talking!
If it's that bad, I'm sure that I or some other women out here would chat with you on the phone and support you. I'm sure we have some social workers and therapists who can spare an hour a week. Ladies?? Let me know. I'd be happy to help you.
Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. People that have "perfect" lives have depression. There does not need to be a reason, just a perceived reason.
I think you need to focus on what you can do for yourself. Waiting around for others to change is not working for you. Most hard working married people have a hard time buying a house these days. Have you thought about renting a place with your boyfriend? If anything were to happen then who would get the house? Also, mention to him that he can buy you a wedding band for 50 bucks and save for something better down the road.
Also, somehow you remember to feed yourself and your child everyday so I bet your could figure out a way to take a pill everyday. Put it by your breakfast stuff.
Try and figure out a new system at home so that you don't get yelled at when your siblings don't do their chores.
Have you tried a good lubricant with sex? Also, I bet your boyfriend masturbates he just lies and says he doesn't so don't fall for that.
Google sliding scale therapy in {your city} to find therapists that offer fees on a sliding scale (you only pay what you can afford).
Also I agree with the others - for short term, take a walk or get some exercise.
I think you'll feel better when you move away from your parents and have a home of your own (only 3 or so months away).
You need your own space.
You can get married without a ring - a quick visit to a justice of the peace is a very affordable way to marry and your boyfriend will become family, husband, and next of kin.
Once you are moved out, the barn chores, your Dad and your sisters will have to figure out how to make it work without you.
You'll have new challenges, but you'll be too busy actively solving them to be depressed.
V., did you READ what you wrote? You don't know why you are depressed? Your Dr. diagnosed you with depression because she could clearly see. Of course, mood and thoughts of depression can be hormonally triggered due to chemical changes, hence the birth control and so often takes away the libido. Depression can affect libido too. I understand the physical pain too.
With DEPRESSION, YOU HAVE ANGER. WITH ANGER YOU HAVE DEPRESSION! One of the best ways is to release the anger, is physically with EXCERCISE, but counseling is so important and even if expensive, it could be the best investment in your mental health, because what affects you mentally will eventually cause physical problems too.
Clearly, read your statements, all of which are negative's, point to depression:
"side effects of the patch were horrible"
"can't remember"
"I don't want to leave my room"
"I hate my job"
"hate living here, I don't get along with my family"
"I get moody and withdrawn"
"I've been feeling really down, but I don't know why"
"Mad because he hasn't proposed"
"I am insecure because of bad past experiences"
"lying in a hospital bed for a few days sounds like heaven"
(your list goes on)
RED FLAG HERE, IS THAT YOU ARE HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! Please look at what you are saying. Find someway to get counseling, maybe a mental health professional in your area has options for payments, how about a clergy person, someone who can listen to you. Don't let your pride get in the way of asking your dr. for help. (you said your were embarrassed to ask, you "are putting up a front")
One thing I learned in counseling, is you have to look into the mirror and take responsibility that you ALLOW certain things to happen, even if they are not necessarily your fault.
It sounds like you are young and very dependant on your family who might actually be toxic for you. Messy house that you don't feel is safe for your child.
You probably can't change them, but you can change how you REACT. For goodness sakes, if not for yourself, do it for your precious little child that you obviously love. TAKE the pills. Find SOMEONE, a new friend who will listen. If you feel you can't afford some other options, go to library and get some "self help books". There are probably resources in your area. Maybe your job has an "employee assistance program".
YES it can get better, start thinking in a more positive way, (I know that can sound impossible when you are down and depressed), maybe some motivational tapes, uplifting music on a headset with a power walk, get moving and excercise for starters. Look "outside" of yourself, you don't like your job, do you have a hobby or some passion? Find something that you enjoy. It may take baby steps to get there, but you have to start somewhere. Even change your diet, eat healthy, good nutrition will make you feel better, good vitamins can help your mood and lift your spirits too. Responsibility for your happiness comes from YOU, that is a constantly evolving process, self satisfaction comes from within. That means getting to know yourself, not be dependant on others to create it for you.
Hope you feel better soon!
Here are some valuable lessons I learned from battling depression from my late teen through my 20's. They may help you.
1. My happiness isn't dictated by the things I have or the circumstances of my life or by the friends I have. It's a choice I choose to make every day.
2. I have to be honest with myself about how I am feeling about myself, my relationships, and the circumstances of my life.
3. I have the power, skill and ability at any given point in time to change the course of my life. I can make different choices for my better every day offers a brand new beginning.
4. Accept personal responsibility for my life then I can move forward in having a better life.
5. Keep a log or write down goals, dreams, visions of where you want to be in 3 months to 5 years.
If you don't want to feel the way you are currently feeling you will need to do somethings very differently. Exercise 10-15 minutes of jumping jacks or running in place or jumping rope in the morning and another 10-15 minutes in the evening will help. Trying something new or taking a class to learn something can help too. As for the boyfriend not dropping the ring, don't say another word to him about it. Build an exciting life for yourself minus him. I'm not saying break up with him but perhaps he may need to feel more of what life would be like without you being so avaiable. While a ring may seem like an impractical thing it is an important thing to those who it is an important thing. Has there at least been a date set for a wedding or are you guys going to buy/build a house together without the benefit of being married?
You mention not being able to afford a vacation but why not take a day trip. All that would cost you is an extra tank of gas. Drive as far as you can or find out what things are around you within a half tank of gas distance? Go to that place and do those things. Window shopping is free and there are plenty of other free to low cost things to do everywhere. You don't know what's out there because you haven't been out there. I love museums and art galleries and botanical gardens. Get out and do something different.
All of these suggestions helped me along the way when I was suffering for so long playing pretend and make believe that everything was alright and ok.
I would be depressed and angry at my boyfriend. I could not have lived at my family's house and had my boyfriend visit on weekends. If that can change, maybe your depression will resolve itself.
