Demanding Respect and Not Giving Any in Return

Ask her if she would rather you get her attention by saying hey B****.

I guess I'm tired and feeling fiesty today. LOL

She has asked you to call her Mrs. Audrey or Mrs. Holmes. That is what you call her! Its not difficult. I don't like the "mom" for in laws. They aren't my parents. I call my in laws by their first names. That is what they asked me to do. When I first started dating my husband, I called them Mr. and Mrs. B but she said that I could call her by her first name. If she had asked me to call her Mrs. B, I would have done so. It is up to them what they want to be called not you. Personally, it sounds like they are old school. My MIL tells stories about her in laws and she called them Mr. and Mrs B until they passed away. I just don't see where you are being disrespected. Sorry.

Is this a black woman? If so, it is a cultural thing that she has grown up with and all the tantrums in the world aren't going to change that. All that will do is make you look even more disrespectful.

I call all my husbands older relatives either Miss 1st name, Mrs last name or Aunt 1st name. Anything else assumes I am thier equal and I assure you, I am not! Those women have lived trajic lives full of back breaking work, loss of children too early, financial hardships, prejudice and more I don't dare repeat. In my book, they have earned a title of some sort.

I didn't grow up to say miss or mr, but I was brought up to respect my elders and that's the way respect is shown in some cultures. I do have my children call every adult miss, mister, aunt or uncle.

When my brothers kids call me T. it really annoys me. It's nails on a chalkboard. I always correct them - I am AUNT T.. Not beacuase I don't love them or I am being formal, but because It embarasses me for people outside our family to think they aren't being brought up to be respectful. It shows a lack of "home training." I'm embarassed for them not myself! Myabe that's why Miss Audrey corrects you. She wants her grandchildren brought up to respect thier elders.

You say you just don't see the big deal. So if it's not a big deal to you, why not just call her what she wants, since it it apparently a very big deal for her?

You know, occasionally moms on this site complain about their pet peeves (maybe this one is yours!). It's so interesting to read all the contradictory complaints – things that drive some folks crazy are the exact thing that some others find attractive, funny, or otherwise okay. Who's to say WHY this is so important to your MIL? But it is, so your refusal to cooperate is probably seen by her as a deliberate attempt to get under her skin.

Is it worth it to you to continue to hold this "demand" of hers against her for the rest of her life? It has the real potential to keep the two of you from finding compassionate common ground, which is a shame. Your children would benefit from seeing how peacemaking is done in the real world. Especially within families. And especially over something that's not a big deal.

Why is it so hard for you to respect her upbringing. I know a fair few people that it makes them uncomfortable to be called anything but mr and mrs whatever. I would imagine the feeling is the same as if someone calls me mrs so and so. I hate it, she hates it the other way.

It is your attitude I find odd. Because I grew up just below the generation that required proper titles I use proper titles for my friends when discussing them with my kids. It is a matter of manners, ya know? Like, when you are over at Cindy's house ask Mrs. Smith how late you can stay and call me. If Mrs. Smith tells my daughter, please call me Judy then okay but otherwise she is Mrs. Smith.

Right or wrong I am sure your mother in law has had a fair few rants about your lack of manners.

My ex's mom was Mrs. Ex until she said no, call me Dianne. My mother is law was Mrs. Husbands name until she said no call me Diane. Strange that I have been married twice and both mother in laws were Diane though they spelled them differently....

ETA: I read your so what happened. You are absolutely right: There is indeed no way you could be right. Not with that attitude. If someone called you "ho" and said "Hey ho" all the time, and you said "Don't address me like that, you call me T." and they said "This is just what I do. It doesn't mean disrespect like I really think you're a street walker, I just want to call you "ho" because that's what I like calling people"....what would you do? What if they called you T. to your face (grudgingly) but then called you ho over the phone at your house, or addressed you like that on an email to your husband? Would you knock them upside the head? I would. And yet, she feels uncomfortable with what you're calling her, she thinks it's disrespectful, and you think she's wrong for telling you what she prefers to be called. You may say this isn't the same thing, or an extreme example, but the fact is this: "ho" would probably be offensive to most people. But to your mil, calling her by her first name when you are not her peer is offensive. She told you how she felt, in a simple, direct way. You think it's stupid. I don't think this example is too far off. Nope. Your attitude says it all in this case...

It's a sign of respect and not something that only children should do. If she was 40 and you were 30, I could see that the formality could hurt your feelings (I suppose?) but if she's old enough to be your mother, than to me, you SHOULD call her Ms or Mrs until she says not to. And that she had to tell you what to call her means you may not be told to call her by her first name now. I don't understand why that would be a problem to you. At all. She SAID yes you could call her mom so it's not like she's being dismissive or "mean" to you. Not just anyone could call her mom, I'm willing to bet! I think you were silly to be "taken aback and felt thoroughly put down". It's a cultural, regional, and generational thing and you should just give her the respect that she's wanting. You should give it to her without her having had to tell you, to tell the truth. It's better for someone to say "no, you don't have to be formal" rather than correcting you for being informal, so that should be your rule of thumb as far as I'm concerned.
When you were at her home and told your mother that you were on the phone with "Audrey", you were doing something that she'd already spoken to you about, in her home. If she views that as a sign of disrespect, then you disrespected her, in her home. If you are emailing your fil, who is of the same generation as your mil, and calling her "Audrey" then you have crossed the line again, and to tell you the truth, I would feel that you were doing it on purpose. Which, to some extent, you are. You think it's a stupid rule, so you are remaining casual: if not to her face, then on the phone and email that goes to her home. You think you're being disrespected BECAUSE they expect you to show respect? Respect is a 2 way street, but the simple fact is that they are not your peers. Period. Would YOU call YOUR mother by her first name? I am guessing not. I'm guessing that you call her by the title she's given herself: mom, which she feels she has earned. Your mil has given herself a title that she feels she has earned: Ms __ or Mrs __, and I wouldn't expect the formality to change if you aren't freely giving it. And I think you should call her Mrs __ all the time, not just to her face.
She'd like the respect that is afforded to an older lady. And the simple fact is this: YOU ARE NOT HER PEER. You will never be her "peer". She is old enough to be your mother, she IS the mother of the man you married and all that entails, and I can't imagine what you wouldn't understand about that. It shouldn't bother you, and I am seriously wondering where in the world you were raised. Just give it to her and understand it's a generational or regional thing; it's not actually difficult to say "Ms" before the "Audrey" that you are already saying. When I visit home, if someone is not very close with me, even if they ARE peers they will often call me "Ms A." until I tell them it's ok to just call me A. (and I do the same while out there---when in Rome, do as the Romans). It's not that they are lower than me, or whatever. It's respect.

As for my mil: we aren't close enough for me to call her mom (I'd not call ANYONE but my mom by that title---I feel it's earned, but I can absolutely see why other people may call someone else mom....again, because it's earned). But I like her very much, and even with alzheimers she knows who I am even though I'm relatively new to the family. We talk daily and have shared more intimate stories and conversations in 5 years than my other sils have in 30. THAT SAID: I called her Ms __ even 4 years after marrying her son and having her grandchildren. Not because she asked for it (because she's British and just doesn't have the same "rules")....but she also understands and respects the fact that I'm from the deep south and I'm not going to act like the 80+ year old mother of my husband is a PEER. Only nearing my 6th anniversary do I feel comfortable calling her just by her first name. And one funny thing: I was a bit perturbed and thinking of breaking up with my now-husband when I introduced him to my mom and he just called her by her first name. I talked to her about it and she laughed and told me not to be silly, he's more her peer than mine (he's 17 years older). So....NO. Being asked to acknowledge her with a title is not putting you down or putting you in a child's place. It's not something you should get your panties in a bunch about. She's asked you to show a little respect in her home. If to HER that is what respect is, then why not keep the family peace and in good faith, just do so? Your kids don't have to call her "Mrs" whatever, they will say "Grandma" (or whatever) so your kids have nothing to do with this issue. One more example that came to mind: when we were children, my brother and I beat up my cousin one time, because he was all snappy and demanding and yelling "Sarah! Sarah!" all over the place...but that was his GRANDMA. Our great aunt. You don't go demanding and calling a great aunt or grandma by name, with no title in front of it. It's pretty offensive. Not a matter of you needing to "do as you're told" as much as just not wanting to offend your new family.
Did you see that movie 4 Christmases? When the brothers keep calling that guy "Orlando" and his name was legally changed to "Brad", he wanted to be called BRAD. The brothers were being kind of jerks to insist on calling him what they wanted to. To me, this is sort of a similar issue. Her name is Ms _ or Mrs __ and that's it. Just "Audrey" shouldn't be an option.

If my husband EVER called either of my parents by their first names, I think they might explode. And I would never dream of calling my parents by their first names either...it's always "mom" or "dad." BUT...that's how it is where they are from (outside of the US). My husband calls them "mom" and "dad" and my sister's husband refers to my parents as "Mr. XYZ and Mrs. XYZ" It's not about "everyone is an adult", it's more of a "respect for elders" thing.

It was also this way when we were living in the South. Anyone older is a "Ms/Mrs/Mr" Firstname (or sir/ma'am).

As for your kids, when they're in someone else's house, they should obey their rules...including how they address adults. My daughter was taught to say "Mr/Ms" Firstname. I expect other kids in my home to address me the same way.

But as far as what you call her when talking to someone else, they really shouldn't have a say in that (unless of course, it's to someone in their family).

Voice your opinion on the issues that matter. This one does not. Call her what she prefers to be called, regardless of how it feels to you. If she likes to be called Mrs. So and So, then call her that. For whatever reason, it makes her happy.

This could be a generational/ regional thing. When I was living in VA, I would NEVER call an loder person by their first name. In fact, having grown up in the South, I STILL won't call people by their first names until they ask me to do so. My African American friends do not EVER call people by their first names unless they are younger or immediate family- then always "Aunt ____", not just a first name.

I don't like when children call me "K." my son doesn't call my friends "Lorri" or "Michelle". If they are close enough to even consider it, then they are "Aunt Michelle and Uncle Beau". If they are friends, "Mrs. Lorrie and Mr. Joe", acquaintances are "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".

He's 3 and we live in NY now, but to me it's disrespectful to assume that someone wants to be called by their first name. They are telling you very clearly how they want to be addressed and it doesn't sound like she's being nasty about it, just direct. I get along well with my MIL, but don't call her "mom". I call her by her first name at her insistence.

In this case, address her as she has asked and then at some point let her know that it feels overly formal to you. She already said you could call her "mom"- clearly she's a formal type of a person and your lack of formality makes her uncomfortable.

Where we live if you're talking to someone older it is always Mrs. (or Miss) or Mr. and then either their first or last name depending on how close you are to them. It's a sign of respect. Our neighbors, who are the kids surrogate grandparents are still Miss V**** and Mr E******. It shows that they're close to the family, and we respect them.

Perhaps this is how she was raised and she thinks you should give her that respect as well.

Just a thought.

1st (and I say this kindly) I would break up your paragraph so it isn't one big run-on sentence and people can follow it better, thus, providing you sound advice.

2nd, that is the thing w/other people - they are different than you! She will not treat you the way you treat her b/c she is a different person than you. She won't act like you b/c she isn't you. I know you don't want to hear this, but if she prefers to be called something, I suggest you do it and teach your kids likewise. I don't think there is anything wrong if someone asks me to call them by a specific name. Even if the request seems ridiculous, I don't want to be the fool that causes trouble b/c I refuse to honor someone's request. I'd rather that other person be the fool for making such absurd demands and making my kids and I follow through.

gl

Just call her Mrs. Holmes. I was raised that way too and I actually feel funny calling my MIL by her first name so I avoid saying anything too. She's fine with me calling her by her first name and I think it's very odd that your MIL isn't. But I agree with her that children should be calling adults Mr or Mrs. Again, not her place to dictate what your kids use but if this is the big issue for her, just call her what she wants. I'd use it all the time in front of people bc I'm sure someone will say something about it in front of her eventually and hopefully embarass her. If not, not worth fighting over. Is this your biggest issue with her? If so, it's small. Let it go. My husband calls my parents by their first names of course but I almost cringe. I don't know - I was brought up strictly so the first name thing with elders is just weird to me. Likely it's even way more of an issue for your MIL who is likely much older than me so really lived in a time where elders were ALWAYS called Mr or Mrs.

Added: how are you suffering??? Calling her Mrs. Holmes instead of Audrey is suffering? I know my father felt weird calling my sister's old boyfriend Thomas instead of Tom. That wasn't normal to him. But you know what - it was Thomas' right to ask to be called Thomas. And how ridiculous would it be if my dad said he was 'suffering' bc he couldn't call him Tom? It wouldn't have bothered me if my future MIL told me to call her Mrs X when we met. One reason is bc I never would have dreamed of calling her by her first name anyway! You're making way too big a deal of out this.

Wow, T.... get over yourself. Call your husband's mother what she prefers to be called. She has every right to be addressed the way she would like just as you do. You'll get used to calling her whatever it is she wants to be called easily enough. If you want a good relationship with your MIL then you have to put out some effort, especially if she's part of an older generation that still values manners and shows of respect to elders.

I didn't address my MIL as "Ma" until we were married. She was "Mrs.S" while we were dating and engaged until the day we were married because it was a respect thing even when we weren't getting along very well. That's just how it was and I called her what she wanted because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. I don't call her Mom since that's what I call my own mother, but Ma suffices and it's what my husband and his sisters call their mother. I didn't earn that right until we became family and I had paid my dues and essentially knew her well enough to call her something so personal.

She never insulted you or put you down. You took something personally that you had no business getting bent out of shape over. Get over it. Work on the relationship for the sake of your husband and kids or future kids you have together.

It's a little hard to follow this. Is she your mother in law? "one of the first memories i have of this woman was of her "telling" me that from then on i would call her Mrs Audrey or Mrs Holmes." - so she did tell you.

It may be that she's formal. Period. She's prim and proper and will never be informal to you and never wants to be Audrey or Mom. She may be very Southern (I have a friend who will not outright tell you she thinks you are terribly impolite, but you can read between the lines that she thinks such). You should respect that, even if you don't understand it. Forcing her to change this is just as silly as her saying that the rule in her house is to say Mr. and Mrs. even if that's not how your child addresses them. It may be part of how she was brought up.

Personally, it irritates me that my in-laws do not use honorifics (aunt, uncle) but sometimes apply them to close friends. It makes NO SENSE to me that DH is just Firstname but his buddy J is "Uncle J". I told DH that I was teaching DD to use "Aunt" and "Uncle" out of respect to that person.

I called my MIL "Mrs. V" until she told me "That's my mother in law! Call me J." Until someone tells you what they want to be called, err on formality. People try to call me by a nickname that is common to my name, but one I don't use. Like if my name was Susan and they used Susie, but I was never Susie. I'd be annoyed.

The kids' friends call me Ms. FirstName or Mrs. V. I prefer something more formal than just my first name when they are young. They are not my peers. I told one of SS's friends (now 22) that he could drop the Ms. or Miss, but it's so ingrained he can't do it, which I laugh about. I have DD call people Ms/Miss/Mr. Firstname if they are good friends. It's just the way I was raised.

I think you're going to have to discuss the children with your DH and get his take on it. It may be that the kids just learn that at Grandma Holmes' house they use Mr. and Mrs. even if they don't refer to the people that way any other time. Like different rules in school.

I suspect this is about a lot more than names, though. I wonder how they would react if you started using Mrs. Holmes?

Tell her that you feel disrespected because you are not a child, and you are now part of the family and you are not used to formality in family names.

I would also ask her if she is prepared to call you Mrs. T. or Mrs. Holmes since those appear to be YOUR proper names as well.

It's funny, the people who feel the need to demand respect from people are the ones who don't do anything to earn respect. It's a shame that those people don't get it!

You haven't done anything wrong.

I like Tracy K's explanation.

Well, I'm sorry to say it, but it doesn't sound like you are going to change her now. She's sounds pretty old-fashioned, set in her ways, and not likely to be willing to bend. Some people are just like that - it may be just the ideals that she holds, or her personality, her own set of beliefs, or she just basically has a bug up her arse. Whatever. Be more willing to bend yourself. Accept her for how she is. Be the bigger person here. That doesn't mean you have to be okay with it, you are just not going to let it bother you or have power over you any longer. Having your kids address adults as Mr. and Mrs. X is not such a bad thing either - I grew up that way and I expect the same of my daughter (although with everyone around us saying it's okay for her to call them by their first name, it's kinda tough!). And I also don't see anything wrong with kids being expected to adhere by the rules of the house that they are in, even if they are different from their own. If she is truly toxic in some way, minimize the time you spend together. If this is your husband's mother, let him deal with her more. But I would try to grow a thicker skin and stop taking it personally.

How about just flat-out asking her what she expects you to call her. Then just stick with that. If you get FIL on the phone, just ask for Mrs. Holmes and that's it. And if you have to refer to her while talking to someone else, just say "My mother-in-law" or "Joe's mother."

ETA - in response to your SWH - you are not being made out to be the bad guy. At least, I don't think so. But rather than being caught up in what is fair and what isn't, again, accept it for what it is, and move on. Again, you are not going to change anything here. It may not seem fair, but that's life. Suck it up.

The first veterinarian I ever worked for was Dr. (insert last name here). He was old enough to be my dad and he kept telling me it was okay to call him by his first name. I was fresh out of school and I just could not do it. I'm 14 years out of vet school now and I still say "Dr." with most vets I work with, even though we are peers and colleagues - especially if they happen to be in a higher position than me. It takes me a while to start feeling comfortable calling them on a first name basis, even after they have said it's okay. And yet I am okay with them calling me by my first name. It was just the way I was raised.

As for regional/generational differences, I grew up in Michigan, during the 70s and 80s. My parents are now both deceased but I still keep in contact with their friends and old neighbors - and to me they are STILL "Mr. and Mrs. X" unless one of them says otherwise.

Added: Forget about the idea that calling her by her first name is disrespectful. Repect runs both ways. You don't have to be a doormat. If you cannot stand up for yourself, stop going over there and stop communicating with them. Make your husband do it instead. If they want to have time with you and your kids, they need to do some respecting themselves. You aren't a child, T.. You are a grown woman. You are equal to them. Try to look at it this way. It would really help you.

Original:
T., you put up with this for too long. I'm sorry.

Your husband should have stood up for you long ago. Your MIL should have sat down with you and asked what you were uncomfortable about. Instead, she puts up a big wall and has her husband do the same.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be close to them. I would explain to your daughter that you disagree with them, but when she is there, to mind grandma's rules. When she is anywhere else, she is to mind YOUR rules. And if grandma tries to pull that Mrs. stuff anywhere other than your home, look her straight in the face and tell her that her rules do not apply outside of her home, that this is YOUR daughter, and you make the rules everywhere else. And keep staring. Let her look away first.

I HOPE that a showdown like this might get a dialogue started of her and her husband disrespecting you. You should tell them that this has only cost them having a good relationship with the person their son sleeps with every night of his life, and it's their loss that they slam you with the name issue. Do NOT throw a fit. Just say it straight and matter-of-fact.

I will tell you that I started dating my husband when I was 16. My future MIL told me that I was to call them Mr. and Mrs. When I got married, I started calling them by their first names. I didn't ask. They didn't say anything. The other kids' spouses also call them by their first names. When they started getting old and weren't so "independent", more like needing help from the kids and such, and my MIL wasn't quite so strong, I started saying Mom and Dad some. Now I call them both. My MIL has advanced stage Alzheimers and doesn't know what anyone calls her. My situation wasn't like yours, I don't think - my inlaws just didn't want a 16 year old calling them by their first names back then.

The thing is, I took the bull by the horns as soon as I got married. I don't think there is anything you can do short of a real discussion, because you have so much pent-up anger over this issue. I promise you, they do NOT see that you have met them half-way. They see themselves as your boss. And quite frankly, you let them be the boss.

If you don't think you can have the discussion, just start calling them by their first names and ignore your father-in-law's digs. Or stop doing the communicating. Let your husband do all the communicating. If he had to do it from now on, maybe HE would get on the stick and handle this issue like he should have years ago.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Dawn

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Some people prefer to be called by formal titles for various reasons. I love my inlaws, but still feel weird calling them mom and dad. It took me almost 3 1/2 years of marriage before I called them by their first names. The first few years, I called them Mr. and Mrs (Last name). I still call my own grandparents by formal titles. It is often a cultural or just a generational thing.

Just relax and call her Mrs. and don't take it so personal. It's good manners to teach your children to call other adults by Mr/Mrs/Miss as well, Especially in your mil's presence.

Well, what is your husband doing about this? For the most part, I think you should call people what they want to be called, but I assume her friends don't call her Mrs? You should be in that friend category, otherwise I would be offended too. The Mrs creates an emotional distance and implies a "better than you" attitude. But I can't understand why your husband wouldn't have said, "Hey Mom, she is family so lay off!" This is on him in my opinion.

And he shouldn't let his mother discipline your kids! Where the heck is he when all this is going on?

My husband told me to call his mom "mama" like everyone else does when we got married.

I'm grown and don't call my own mom "mama", so I'm not about to start calling his mom that. Plus our relationship is sadly not what I'd like out of an in-law relationship. We are respectful to each other for the most part. But like others have said, this goes both ways.

I call her Nana. Same as my kids do. I don't think I could call her Mrs anything, but then again I rarely have to address her by name.

My kids call any adult Ms. Mary or Mr. Mark. I don't think they call anyone by their last name - times are just changing.

I've found the best way to diffuse a situation like this, where giving into demands that you find silly, but matter to the other person, demands that will hurt nothing more than possibly your pride by giving into them, is to just give in and DO it. Call her what she wants to be called, whether it's Mrs Audrey or Nancy FancypantsFlegeegoogegoo. It's her name and how she wishes to be addressed. It doesn't matter if she's at your house, her house or in the Queen's Castle, it's how she wishes to be addressed. Soon enough, she'll get tired of you calling her Mrs and ask you to call her something else. If not, it's really no big deal.

My sister changes what she wants to be called almost yearly, but it almost doesn't matter because my parents are at an age, (or fatigue level) that they've started calling her by many different names, pets, grandchildren, long dead aunts, before finally landing on her actual moniker. Drives her up the wall when my mother turns to her and says, "Chloe, Scoshi, N.,.... argh! Whatever your name is... DANI that's it, right? Come help me with the dishes."

It just makes me giggle.

When talking to your Mom (or others), you can call your MIL your husbands Mom.
"We're at Dave's Mom's house for a few hours.".
When communicating with your FIL, you can ask him to relay the message to his wife.
You can refer to her via relationships rather than referring to her by name.
For what ever reason, she needs to hold onto the formality.
Additional:
You're not a bad guy for doing as you were asked.
If people bring it up, tell them that is what she wants to be called.
And why does it bother them in the first place?
Perhaps these other people need to mind their own business.

Hi, T.:
You have a dilemma.
What do you want to call your mil?
Teaching your children to call their G mother
what she wants to be called is teaching your children
to be respectful.

The problem with your mil started before you were married, right?
Do you feel like she is trying to control you?

Just want to know.
D.

How old is she, 108??? That seems absolutely ridiculous.

I have my kids call some acquaintances of mine Miss first name, but not my close friends. And i would never call my MIL Mrs. L. But she has never asked me to. Wll, just call her your husband's mother, or you FIL's wife.

I have a couple friends my age (39-40) who insist their kids call everyone Mrs and Mr so and so. Personally, I think it is weird and controlling but it does sound kind of cute. Our kids call our adult friends by their first name or they might forget their name and call them "Timmy's mom" or something like that. But if someone asked them to call them Mrs. So and so then I would have them do it bc that person asked them. I do think it is regional - certain areas of the US this is considered normal. I would find it odd if my MIL wanted me to call her Mrs. Betsey instead of Betsey. But if that is what she wanted I would do it. Does your MIL have any other children who are married? Do their spouses all call her Mrs. Audrey? I guess if it were me I would do it but I would think it is strange!

Does she demand this of everyone? If so, then I think you're making a non-issue into an issue. Yes, she should make a polite request and not order you. But really, this happened 12.5 years ago! The mother of my dear friend has this same quirk. If anyone calls her by her frist name, she corrects them by saying "Mrs. X". It comes off really rude. The majority of her co-workers don't even know her first name! I compromise by calling her Mom X (I've known her since I was 10). You say you don't see the big deal. Exactly, it shouldn't be a big deal to just call her what she wants. As far as her correcting your kids when you're at her house, decide if you really want this to be an issue that comes between your kids and their grandmother. Kids understand there are different rules in different places. Is she going overboard? Yes. But is this really what you want to have a big fit over? It sounds like the underlying issue is you feel your in-laws don't respect you. Focus on that, come up with some recent, relevant examples, and refrain from throwing a fit. Having a tantrum is not the best strategy for establishing your credibility as an adult who deserves respect.

grit your teeth and call her anything she wants to be called, BUT dont go out of your way to do anything for her at all. my first mil did the exact same thing, demanded that i call her mrs david edward howell, even when she caught her sleeve on fire once because she was playing with the stove ! my first mil also had the unsettling habit of refusing to acknowledge me, even when i was standing right in front of her ! this trick of hers suddenly wasnt so funny when i started ignoring her "gee can you get K. to drive me around today??" if she refused to ask me to do something herself, i would simply refuse to do it , or i would suddenly be "too sick to drive her", you got a mamas boy on your hands and truth be told your mil isnt going to respect you because the rest of the family doesnt expect her to. if your husband would grow some cajones, and stand up to this tyrant, you might actually get some respect from her, but dont hold your breath waiting for that to happen. ( you would be amazed how quickly a man will stand up to a tyrant/mother when you ask him this simple question, "you like sex? then i suggest you tell your mother to start respecting me , NOW. ")
K. h.
and, yes, there is some serious favoritism involved here, or thinly veiled racism at play, if the mil has another dil who is of a different race then she is, but the other dil is NOT expected to be as formal as you are expected to be toward her, then you have every right to ask her "WHY??"my first mil decided that i wasnt "white enough" for her and told me so. however, when i started calling her "hitler's beloved niece", ( she was german after all)and speaking to her in german,she decided that wasnt very funny.my apologies to those who might find it offensive.

I think it's a southern/generational thing. I have difficulty figuring out what to call my MIL too. I now call her by her name, but it was pretty uncomfortable doing that for a while.

With us, though, she didn't tell me what she wanted me to call her, so I had to just figure it out. Your MIL has let you know what name would make her the most comfortable. It seems fair that you would use this, even if it sounds strange to your ear. After a couple of times, I'm sure it will seem more natural.

I beleive in calling people my the name they want to be called, so in this case Mrs Holmes, but I would insist that she call you Mrs Holmes as well, since that is also your name!! and just have your kids call her grandma.

I sense the real problem here is a battle of wills between you and her. She told you how she would like to be addressed before you had the chance to ask her and you didn't like that. Everything else that follows comes from that initial memory and taints all that happened after as a battle of wills. A question...what would you have expected her to say if you had first asked her what shall I call you? If this is the first memory you have of her, it must have been when you were early in your relationship with her son. What did you call the mothers of other men you dated? I don't see the problem with calling her Ms. Audrey. It can be a cultural or generational think, but abiding by someone's wishes in this case seems to be a simple thing to do. I have my son call all adults that I introduce him to either Ms. last name or miss first name, depending on what they want. If there are other issues beyond this, then it's not just about the name.

So, it's clearly just a cultural thing, but it's OK to tell her that you come from a different culture where Mrs. is rarely used, and to ask her patience if you make mistakes. Modern women rarely use their spouse's first name in calling themselves (i.e. Mrs. Sherlock Holmes), and Mrs. is disappearing in schools and business places alike -- part of it is women's lib, I think, in addition to the general increasing casual behaviors of Americans. You can tell her that calling her Mrs. Holmes gives her two credits -- one for being married (the Mrs.) and one for her husband (Holmes), but none for herself. In modern culture, it's pretty much more respectful for women to be referred to by their own first names (which their moms help choose!).

I have not read the other response.....

However, just looking at where you are living....and if that' is indeed accurate...VA = Virgina = the south with it deeply imbedded southern manners and social rules.

Most men I've met from there will call other women Miss So and So. I have a girlfriend right now from VA and she instructs her 2 daughters to call me Mrs. Firstname...I was a bit taken aback by the formality, but it's deep there Hon. Those manners don't die just because you feel awkward. Honestly, it's not about respect, but culture and what one is raised with. Many people have dropped it, however, it's starting to return in order to teach the younger generation some level of respect.

I do agree with you that after this amount of time, you think she might of corrected the record with a less formal option. What I have done with my MIL as soon as I made her a Grandma....I have called her Grandma every since. I have not wavered. I never called my MIL by the name of Mom...just feels weird to me.

One option is to just try it....Mrs. Audrey.....draw it out like they do in VA. Practice it a few times.

What do your girls call her? Do they call her Grandma? Nana? Maybe you could start calling her what they call her? Until we were engaged, I did the same thing as you - I didn't address my MIL by anything, just waited until she was looking at me before I spoke, mainly b/c I didn't know what to call her. And if I really had to, I would call her Mrs <last name>. When we got married, I asked her what she wanted me to call her, and she said "Gramm" since that is what her grandchildren call her. It was weird at first when we didn't have kids, and she wasn't my Gramm, but that's what she wanted. And it's become comfortable. Maybe this is a compromise?

be thankful you are allowed to go to her house. I disrespected my mil's dogs when the giant animal nipped at my elbow when I had a 2year old nearby. Haven't been back to the house and they live an hour away from me. very sad and my children suffer because of her selfishness. They do see their grandpa.

I also cringe when my children's friends call me by my first name. I grew up in Mississippi where we did NOT call any adult by their first name only. Always "missus" or "mister". I STILL would not call my friends parents by their first name only. No way.

Perhaps your MIL needs more tact when making request of you. Good luck with mending your relationship. Remember that it is not about you but more about your children having a relationship with their grandparents.

(guess I should give my MIL a call......)