Death of My Husband

You have received some good advice so far. I want to add that you can apply for some help through www.modestneeds.com. They will only help with something that's most pressing like utilities when you are about to be shut off, or one month of rent when you are behind and or some help for medical bills.

I am sorry I can't help with the grief. I haven't lost anyone that close yet. I guess you try and be thankful for the 21 years and remember the good times. Seems like staying busy has to help.

I can honestly tell you that I have no idea how people make it through such horrible events. It is so painful that it is inconceivable. I really do feel for you and your loss.

I asked my aunt a while back how she did it. She had been married to my uncle for 25 years and they were massively in love. He got pneumonia and in 2 weeks found out it was related to cancer throughout his body, he died within 28 days total. It was horrifying. She said that the first thing she had to do was keep herself VERY busy. The sitting around and dwelling on what happened was unbearable to her. She also said that for months and months it felt like a huge boulder was on her chest and it was hard to breath. Then one day, her boulder lifted, she couldn't connect it to anything but she finally felt like she could continue on. To this day, she is still sad about her loss, she has never forgotten the beautiful life she has had with him but she also looks at what she gets to experience going forward. She has three grown children, one of which graduated from high school two months after her father died, and the other two got married shortly after as well.

In short, my dear aunt went from a house full of family to an empty-nester and although she struggled, she made it. Just give yourself time, you will make it too.

As far as financially, I would take drastic measures, get a small apartment that you can afford, and go as simple as you can financially. Sell or get rid of whatever you can to get ahead of this thing. You might even find some support groups you can connect with. It really helps to get others with similar issues around you so you know you are not alone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Best of luck to you.

I am so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you. go to hud, apply for food stamps (it is not degrading that is what they are there for) I buy angel food. you can find it at angelfoodministries.com. use churches for clothes. I was a single parent so I got good at this without food stamps. you may be able to get your landlord to work off the rent. mowing or whatever and the 17 yr old needs to learn responsibility so its time for him to go to work. he has to learn eventually within the next year anyway that he has to work for a living. you can get assistance in most towns with utilities once every 6 months. use it. you also need to find the food banks and use them.

you will be out of school and more stable soon enough. but use every resource possible until you get out of school.have you applied for social securtiy on the 17 yr old and you too? if not do it. as long as he is in school you can collect on him. private message me if you need more tricks. Ihave been in the gutter more than once since I have been divorced. oh and have him have his friends teach him how to work on cars to save you money that way. he will need it eventually. hang in there it will be ok.

What if you moved into a less expensive rental, went to the state and applied for displaced homemaker benefits they can put you through school offer financial assistance, medical assistance. Maybe the 17 yr.old can get a part time job after school to help out. You have so much on your plate have you heard of any support groups in your area or someone you and your son can stay with until you get back on your feet? You need help in this ,you don't have to do this alone please talk to someone, apply for assistance. You had the rug pulled out from under your feet and no one is strong enough to deal with that alone .

I agree. Apply for all the assistance that is available and do not feel badly about using it.

I imagine the grief is making it especially difficult to do anything. I've learned that grief is best managed by embracing it. Let yourself feel sad. Hold yourself and cry. Also find someone who will not only let you cry in their presence but is able to provide you with some comfort; perhaps a cup of tea, a hug, a meal out if only it's at a fast food place.

Go fully into your grief for a specified period of time. Decide that you will stop crying, stop thinking about everything that is making you sad, in an hour. Then focus on the intellectual side of getting things done. Being able to do this will take time and self-discipline but you can eventually do it.

I was in counseling and asked my therapist when I'd stop crying. His reply was that I'd stop when I had done all the crying that I needed to do; to not be concerned about stopping. I found that to be very true.

If you're not getting counseling I urge you to get started on it. Hospitals have grief support groups that are free even tho your husband was not a patient there. I went to one a year or so after my parents died and it helped me.

You may also need to take an anti-depressant for awhile. You are dealing with much more than the loss of your husband. All of this stress alters your body's chemical make up. An anti-depressant will not make the pain go away but will make it more manageable. Talk with your doctor about it.

Perhaps you need to take a break from school to give yourself more time to deal with the practical issues you're facing and to have time to heal some. It's difficult to fully grieve when every minute is taken up with staying alive.

Even tho you feel like you won't make it, you will be able to overcome. Asking for help tells me that.

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
How unfair! And out of your control. Two very difficult concepts to get your head around when a death occurs.

Loss of a spouse is an unbelievably hard and stressful thing.

All I can suggest is apply for & take all of the help you can get. Emotional support, financial help, etc.

Are you in a church? Do you have family nearby that you & your son could stay with for a year? O. less bill (rent) might be a life changing savings for you right now.

Don't make any really huge decisions right now, as I truly believe our minds don't function rationally for at least a year after a death.

I know you're not in the position of saving/investing but PLEASE check out Dave Ramsay's book "Financial Peace" (get it free from the library). It has really good tips on saving money and managing what money you DO have. Things like what to pay now, what to let go til next month. For example, do you have a car payment? If so, consider selling the car and buying a used car for cash right now if you can. Downgrade other "options" like cable, telephone service, newspaper delivery, etc.

Do you have an angelfood ministries near you? Good food at LOW prices and no minimum income requirement.

As far as personally and emotionally, please take time to take care of yourself. A grief counselor/group meeting might help you. Try, just try, to take a few minutes each day to breathe and relax. Remember your husband and the 20+ years you shared.

I know it sucks and it's going to suck for a long time. I think time allows us to get used to the suckiness. I don't think grief ever "heals" or "goes away", we just learn to get used to the idea. God bless. I hope things improve for you & your family after this devastating blow.

D., I am so very sorry. I wish I knew more of how to help, but there are some great ladies on here with a lot of great advice.

Do you attend a grief support group? Sounds like you could use a shoulder to lean on.
My heart goes out to you!

The church I work for has a great grief support group led by a very caring and compassionate woman. Check out http://www.southsuburban.com/ministries/griefshare.aspx for a link to times and information. If nothing else, a chat with her can be very encouraging. Now is the time to reach out for help and find what is best for you and your children. You don't have to do everything well; you are processing a lot and so are you kids. Accept help now more than ever and allow yourself to be cared for by people around you.

I feel for your loss. I can only imagine. Every year about 3 months before our birthday, Social Security sends us a statement showing what we are eligible for if something were to happen to us, disability or death. My family would receive a great deal of money each month to help us survive. Because you have children at home you would get money. If your children are in college they would get something up to a certain age. It may not be what you are used to, but its something. You wouldn't qualify for death benefits until you are 62 or something, so get yourself a good job, or an education so you can earn enough money to support yourself. Good Luck

I would consider getting some counseling to help. ISU has a program that can help provider high quality counseling at a low cost - http://www.isu.edu/hpcounsl/center.shtml . Consider applying for college loans to help cover the cost of living for now. Local social workers or the University might also have other resources you can look into for help.

I am so sorry for your lost. My cousin (husband side) just lost her husband of two years to cancer, building a strong support system has been really helpfully for her. Faith/Church, Family, Friends.

Do you belong to a church? If you do I would talk to the pastor in private. If you do not belong to a church you might find some comfort in a church support system.

Look for a support group you can join in your area. Otherwise counseling could be helpful.

You are in my prayers.

I also with filing for social security. Your children may even be eligible! You may want to also check with his work to see if they have a life insurance policy for him, my husbands does and they take care of it themselves. It isn't for much but it is something. Also check with your bank some banks also provide one. Our bank had it on all our loans where if he should die the vehicle was paid for! I think I am out of ideas now. I am soo sorry for your loss!

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I was compelled to reply because I too am a widdow. Just wanted to check to see if you have filed for Social Security. You should be elligible. Make sure you do that. Even though your kids are growing you should be able to get some assistance at least until your son is grown. There is a lot of help out there. If you want to send me a personal message I would be more than happy to see what I can provide you. Sometimes just talking is the best remedy.

Ally

Wow. I cannot imagine your grief on top of financial difficulties, returning to school, and being a single mom of a teenager who is undoubtably also struggling with the loss of a parent. I have no solutions. Angelfood is a great option, but many churches offer very nice food/toiletries from food banks. We ended up doing that when we were unemployed for a while. It was humbling, but it saved us.

I think that church is one of your best options. Don't be too proud to ask for help. It is too much...let others help.