Dealing with Father Passing Away

Though I have not dealt with this specifically I have some ideas. Try not talking much at all. Make some freezer meals, clean the house, take the kids for a afternoon. Don't ask her if you can, tell her this is how you are going to help. Some of us are too proud to let people help or don't even know what we need. Sometimes you can more by doing.

When our neighbor passed away, leaving behind 4 children, the son being around 4-5 -6 years old (don't remember exactly his age at that time), we all struggled. My dad, who used to be friends with the late neighbor, was speechless too. He was hurting about the neighbor/friend passing away, and also because he was at a loss what to do about the kids who were left behind, especially the son, who was so close to his dad. During those first few weeks when mom was so sad and lost herself, having to deal with visitors, and crying and all that, the kids were not being talked to. My dad decided to take the boy fishing. No talking, no probing, no offering advice, just took him our fishing. did that almost every day. on the days they didn't go fishing my dad asked 'for help' planting flowers and such. The boy helped. Slowly the other three children got involved too. They came for lunches and dinners because i guess it was less stressful for them to be around people who just acted normal. Eventually they all started talking about their dad, asking questions, some tears, sadness, but the environment we created for them was safe and calm enough for them to express sadness. When they talked, we let them talk. When they asked questions, we tried to answer, but all along telling them they were loved, and that their dad will still be watching over them from above. Mom recovered soon too. Strong woman. She got the time she needed to mourn and was able to get back to taking care of her children
Years later, those 4 kids are some of most functioning successful adults and young adults. Not scared, but family oriented, loving, happy human beings.
All this said, offer to bring over her kids, let them play, watch tv, talk, socialize etc and give her some time to learn how to cope with her loss. Don't ask for her or the children to talk about their feelings. But make the situation clear that if they need to, you'll be there.
good luck

My heart goes out to your friend and her children. My husband passed away a little over a year ago leaving me with a then 3 and 5 year old to raise alone. I found a website www.griefnet.com and there are a lot of groups to join but there is one for widows with children and this group has helped me a lot. There are other widows and widowers on this website all at different stages who have a lot of advice. I also had my children in counseling very early, they no longer go now but my oldest who is 6 now still sees the school counselor. They both have had a lot of anger issues and my heart breaks for them when they are missing daddy so much. I hope that your friend can find some peace and takes some time for herself, I know it is hard with 2 little ones. God bless you for helping her, friends mean so much at this time. I found that it helped just having someone to talk to and go over things again and again.
There are a lot of books for children on grief and some of these helped my kids. THere are also grief workbooks which may help the 8 year old more.

Good luck and God bless

D.

Hi B.,
I am sorry to hear of this sad loss. You sound like a caring and wonderful friend.
As you said, this happened just 3 weeks ago. The family is still in shock. After a couple of weeks, the other people around you stop calling, visiting, bringing dinner and get on with their lives, expecting you to be "over it." The family needs to be allowed to grieve, and it will be a long process. You can't stop them from grieving, and it's healthy for them to do so.
The gest thing that you can do is be there to listen. You can look into local support groups for widowed parents and for children who have lost a parent.
I hope that your friend also has the support of her family.

Hi B.,

All advice below is fabulous. You are already doing the right thing by caring and wanting to help. Just be there for her, make it known that you are there to listen or be a shoulder to lean on whenever she wants to, without judgment and letting her go through her feelings as she needs to. She'll go through all sorts of feelings, including rage (how dare he let me down with the kids so young, stuff along those lines); just be there for her and let her go through. Grief is harder when there is no space to express it, and know that it can take any amount of time as well as any form.

In the short term, I'd be there to help her with chores, taking the kids, things like "hey, I made this stew, and I made way too much of it, do you want some?" Offer to take her children for the afternoon. And keep doing this for at least a year... Most people are there during the first month or two, then disappear, and it's often only 6 months into it (or even more) that the worst hits. When my sister died, many people were there to talk to my parents and invite them, but 6 months later, when they were really down and could really have used the company, only one set of friends was still there, inviting them out every once in a while, giving them a space.

As for her little boy, give him the space to express his feelings, and if he expresses anger, respect that too. It's a normal part of the process, and if you tell him that it's normal that he feels this way, he will go through the process much better. Kids tend to naturally have a much healthier grief process than we adults do, so if you let him go through it, validates his feelings (it's ok to feel this way, it's normal to feel this way, etc.) you'll give him the authorization to feel them as they come to him. But again, don't force. He may not want to share, and it's only when something boils over (like anger) that you'll have an opportunity, and it may be the only one.

B., you are doing what she needs and some of the advice I read so far are great and as a person you can lend an "ear" and a shoulder for her to cry and she may repeat herself ovr and over about her feelings and thoughts and enocurage her to keep going and hopefully she'll understand her children need her too and it's hard to lose someone as a parent no matter what age it is and let them be angry, if they want to yell, let them. If they feel that they want to punch something, encourage them to punch a punching bag, because I knwo I felt that way when I found I miscarried again. No one understood my feelings....those who never experienced it and someone made me feel that I was not right to feel that way. NO ONE has the right to say that and let her know that if she feels this way still and it hits her out of the blue a year or few years from now, you'll be there and it is normal to feel that again later on in a couple of years. There will be periods of times when they find themselves crying in the future just as hard as they are now and they need to know it's okay and that there is no time line for grieving and there is no such thing as a year later, you're over you grief. NOPE that is not true.

Dear B., I am very sorry about your friends loss. There are so many dynamics to grief. Most of all they need someone to talk to. You as a friend can listen and ask what you can do. If they go to a church there may be a person who handles grief. The boy needs to know it is OK to be angry. Tell God how you feel. I will pray that you and they are guided by the Holy Spirit to find Peace in this difficult time. Grandma Mary

It may help the boy to have a positive male role model around him. If possible, look into a male au pair. One just won the International Au Pair Assosiations Au Pair of the Year award and I hear that they are wonderful for he children in many ways, self esteem, morale, and he can help keep rooms tidy, cook, drive to and from activities so the mom can have the time she needs to recover from her loss, and do the kids laundry. I think this could help the whole family. Contact me for details. I am a coordinator from Cultural Care Au Pair and it is free to apply only until June 15.

be there for her, and continue to be there for her in the upcoming weeks and months when people go back to their daily lives and arent around any more. and offer to help with her kids, especially by the end of the day, it is absolutely exhausting trying to have a "face" on for your children all day when you are destroyed inside. maybe her kids can sleep over your house? and if she doesnt want to, dont take it personally, she just might need them around, or know they need to be with her. maybe you can bring her kids out to do something fun, its hard to do fun things with the kids when you feel anything but fun. ask her if you can come over and just sit and have a cup of coffee with her. ask her if you can help with any of her day to day errands, etc,,, its so hard to face the world sometimes. tell her you are passing by after you go to the supermarket, can you pick anything up for her? distraction is good, for both her and her kids. so is some sunshine and fresh air. but if she/they arent ready for either, dont push it, just offer. call her often and ask her how she is doing. dont pretend like it didnt happen because you dont want to upset her. if she doesnt want to talk about it, she will let you know. and hugs are good. i wish her all the best, and you too, you sound like a good friend. she will need you.

It sounds like you are already being a wonderful friend to her with your care and concern.
There is no "right" thing to say and all you can do is allow her to work through her feelings as she needs to. She will likely be feeling some terrible things, including anger at her husband for leaving her, and she needs to know that all of this is normal and that you will not judge her, however she is feeling or whatever she is thinking.
Allow her the space to let her guard down, and of course offer whatever practical help you can.
In terms of helping your son to deal with this, I had a good friend die of breast cancer, who was also the mother of friends of my daughter (who is 8). I found a book called Talking with Children about Death and Dying by Mary Turner (it's on Amazon) very helpful. It has a bit for parents and then lots of activities to do with children.
I found my daughter was far less freaked by it all than I had expected. We talked a lot about how everyone dies but most people don't die until they are old, and I reassured her that I wasn't likely to die for a long time. I just gave her space to talk about her feelings and to ask any questions she had, even when I found it hard.
Just keep giving your friend your time and your care and you will be doing the best you possibly can be.

The biggest thing you can do is let your friend know you are there no matter what she needs, no matter what time of day. Take the kids and let her have some space. She may not have had any time to grieve on her own yet. Cook some meals, do the dishes, and some light house keeping. If the kids don't want to leave mom for fear of losing her too, just go over and sit with them. Mom can go take a nap or a long bath and have her own time alone. Don't let your friend tell you she doesn't need help. She may not have even realized she needs you yet. God bless you for being a caring friend.

First, don't try to give her advice... she doesn't need it. She just needs a friend to listen, to have a shoulder to cry on.
As was mentioned, help with the kids, the chores, whatever.,. but most of all just listen. She'll talk about him and the experience as she needs to....

We just lost the best friend of both my boys back in September. We were devastated as this boy was part of our family... it was like losing my own son.
His mom has no other kids... this also means no grandchildren for her, no one to take over their farm when she's gone.
My son is expecting his first baby this weekend. He has asked this boy's mom to be the baby's God-Grandmother. He is also naming the baby after him.

This gives her hope and shows her how much he was loved by all of us.

We still go visit... and we let her talk about him when she wants to. We still sit and cry with her, but we also laugh and remember the fun we had with him.
We've let her know our home is always open when she wants to visit... our phones are always ready for her call. My boys have offered over and over to help with the farm, as they did last summer when he was still here.

She appreciates all of this, I know. But we give her her space and let her deal with things as she needs to.... with us there to help her when she needs it, even when she doesn't ask.

That is all you can do for your friend. No amount of advice will make this all better for her... but being there to help her through it will eventually get her back to where she needs to be. Someday it won't hurt so much for her and she'll be able to move on with the good memories and all the love they shared.