Advice on Helping a 5 Year Old Through the Death of Her Father...

Dont really have much advice. Just wanted to say Sorry for your Loss. Maybe you can get a bunch of pictures of him and have her help you put a colage together and sit and tell her all the nice and wonderful things about him. Talk about each picture as your putting them together. Keep him alive your hearts by talking about him to her all the time. Its really a tough age, your not sure how much they actually understand.

This is a hard situation to deal with for anyone no matter how old or young they are. I would advice getting professional treatment especially because your daughter is at such a vulnerable age. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

L.

Dear M.,

I am so sorry about your loss. I really am. The only thing I can say to you is to encourage your daughter to vent whatever is the way she can do it. Let her be the way she can be now with tears, sadness, anger, loneliness, whatever is her way to vent and deal with such lost. It is a process. It is a long road.
I lost my dad 3 years ago, and my older kid loved his grandpa soooo much, they had a very special connection. I know is not the same situation and every kid and every lost is totally different, but the lost and the pain are there. My kid cried a lot and for first time he understood what the word death meant. I just let him cried at that time and answered so many questions he had after he could talk about it. Let your little one have something special from his dad and hug her a lot, with the passing of time you will have great conversations about him.
My kid and myself keep 3 pebbles, just 3 ordinary pebbles to remember my dad, because we are the ones closer to my dad (one pebble for my dad ,another one for my kid, and the last one for myself) and they are in a very special place to remember him..Why pebbles? because they never get broken and you can save them everywhere without damaging them. Pebbles are also part of nature.
Take care, and have my sincere sympathy and prayers with you,
Alejandra

I am horribly sorry for your loss. It must be extra hard on you becuase you have to stay strong for her. Id on't really have much advise except keep his memory alive and encourage her to talk about him and her feelings. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

My husband died at the end of October from cancer. I have two sons 2 and 6. They are both adopted and were 1 and 5 when my husband died. In the first few months after my husband died my oldest would get moody and go off and sulk. He also started chewing on markers and his sleeves. This behavior has stopped in the past couple of months. I have found that talking to my son about his father helps. We tell stories and talk about how much we miss Daddy. Since we are a Christian family, we talk about how Daddy is now living with Jesus. My oldest son is in Kindergarten which I think helps, because it gave (gives) him a regular routine. I try to keep life as calm and stable as possible for my boys. Our friends and neighbors have been very supportive. That helps alot! My thoughts are with you.

M., I am so very sorry for your loss. As one poster said you may need to let her be angry, and explain your angry too. Not at daddy but at a terrible disease that took him to Heaven so soon. Tell her, her daddy loved her so very much and he was sad also to have to leave her & momma too. Let her know you have some of the same feelings and let her see your emotions. Let her know sometimes your having a bad day too, missing daddy. With grief our emotions run the gambit, she doesn't know right now how to express them except sad, angry, wrong behavior to get some type of reaction.

You might talk to her about how you feel some of the same things she does. You may tell her you feel like crying alot, but daddy would want you to be strong to take care of her. It's ok to cry, feel sad be mad, but daddy would want us to help each other feel better.

She has a ways to go M. as do you yourself. It's has been such a short time since his passing. Hold her, kiss her, let her know you understand her sadness.

Please keep in touch M., let us know how you are doing.
I will keep you in my prayers
With Big Hugs
K.
in Benton, ks.

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know you said you live in a small town, but is there maybe a larger town nearby that might have a support group for this type of thing? Maybe something you could attend together? I know for my kids, when they are going through something, it doesn't really matter if I am going through the same thing because I'm an adult, but if they meet another kid who has gone through the same thing, it makes a HUGE impact. You want her to know that though she has gone through some traumatic, she is still a kid too. There are many ways to keep her father's memory alive, but maybe you can sit down with her and have her come up with an idea, such as planting a tree for him in your yard. If it is somewhat her idea, it will mean more to her. Since you live close to family and friends, is there an adult female that she might feel comfortable talking to? Sometimes you are just too close to be the one to really help her. You might set up a "girl's day" for her and an aunt or family friend that she is comfortable with. This might be a relaxing time that she can talk about how she is really feeling. Also, there are many books out there that you could read together. One of my favorites is called "The Next Place," by Warren Hanson. Please update us on how you all are doing whenever you get a chance.

I am going through something very much like oyu. My kids' Daddy killed himself December 13th 07. Right before Christmas! Even though we were no longer together, we were best friends. I am still having a very hard time with it. He left 4 kids behind and three of them I have to look into the eyes of every day. It is hard to see his features and facial expressions in them. It is a bitter sweet moment everytime I see something that reminds me of him. I think about him every day and ask myself why was it his time. There was stuff he still didn't get to do or see. I know it is about you right now, but the point I guess I was trying to make is that whatever you are going through,and thinking about you know she is going through it worse. She may not say anything,or she may talk about him all the time. My 7 year old carved I love you Daddy in her bedroom door. I will be reading your responses because I also need help. If you want though there is a greivence place for children like ours. It's called Annie's Hope. Go check out their website and see if you would like to join. Best of luck and give that little girl a hug for me! Be prepared for mood swings is my best advice and be understanding when they come. My problem is to punish or not punish when attitude strikes.They have to look in the mirror and see his features too. We keep pictures everywhere of him and talk about him a lot. I would love to keep in touch and see how it's going.

Hi, my name is K.. I am almost 46 years old. I lost my dad when I was 6 years old to a very tragic accident. It's very hard to believe that he's been gone for 40 years now! I do still miss him alot and at times do wonder what our lives would have been if he had still been there. My dad was 26 years old when he died. He left my mom - 26, me - 6, 2 boys - 5 and 4...

Having been through this for 40 years, I can tell you that there will be seasons of going through everything imaginable. One day she will be up the next extremely down and there's not a whole lot that you can do for her except let her talk and give her an outlet. My mom always, and still to this day, had pictures of dad around and we talked about him all the time. The key is to remember him, to honor his memory by talking about him and continuing those family traditions that you've started together.

Think about making her a photo album/scrapbook of her very own. You may choose to have her help you or you can do it alone. The healing for you, as well as her, will come in time. I know that you've heard this all before...but coming from one who's been there, it really is true.

Also, you may want to consider taking her to a child pschycologist. Way back in the 70's you just didn't do those kinds of things...you stayed at home and took care of it the best you could on your own. Well, I finally went to a counselor when I was about 40 years old to work out some of the anger, resentment, and grief that I had at my dad for leaving me (that was a 6 year old child's point of view - not from a 40 year old woman's point of view!)! I was also angry at God for allowing his death, and sometimes angry at my mom for still being here (this too was from the 6 year old). You see each year just before the month of May, the depression starts. He died on May 17th. Then the same thing in November around his birthday. The depression would start, then the anger and resentment and it would last for about a month or so, then I would get angry all over again that I wasted all that time in depression and then the resentment again. So, it would take me almost 6 months to go through that cycle then the next one would begin again! It was aweful!!

She needs to know that it's okay to be SAD about not being able to see daddy again. She needs you to validate her feelings instead of sweeping them under the rug but to do it without going over board and dwelling on it every day; which is going to be extremely hard since you are dealing with your own issues. Cling to God...allow him to help you now more than ever. Surround yourself with family and friends that don't mind talking about your husband AND her daddy. It needs to be a safe zone/place for both of you. Remember, she is looking to you, now more than ever, for guidance and direction and to see how you "handle" things. She may and probably will model your behavior of how you deal with this somewhere down the road.

One other word of advice...when you are sitting around and talking about your husband and her daddy, ALWAYS - ALWAYS talk about the good, the bad AND the ugly! None of us are perfect and I needed to know that about him too. We tend to put our lost loved ones up on a pedestal. Just be careful that you don't put him up on one that's too high for you or her to reach...

Please feel free to write me any time. I'll be here for you IF and WHEN you need me. Sometimes it's better to talk to someone outside your circle of friends and family so you can be totally honest about your feelings, to vent, to cry...just to cry and know they truly do understand, or to whatever. Keep your head up because he would want that.

Praying for God's Blessings,
K. Stephens
____@____.com

M., I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. The only suggestion I can think of is grief counceling, for both you and your daughter. Check your local churches or even her school, they have excellent resources for you to use. There are support groups out there also. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, you are in my prayers.

First, let me introduce myself. My name is T. and in July 2005, I lost my husband to cancer. He left this world 3 months shy of our 5th wedding anniversary. Our son was 3 years old at the time. When I read your request, I couldn’t help myself but question why are good, loving husbands and fathers taken from us? Why are our kids going to have to grow up with only pictures and stories of their daddies?

I want to extend my support to you in any way I can. Even with our similar situations, I cannot say I know what you are going through. That’s the hard part – no one can ever know the pain, the emptiness, the loss. I think our family and closest friends can try to imagine it, but even then the gap is huge. I want to share some things I’ve learned during the past three years. Please do not take these as things you need or have to do.

*** Don’t be afraid to grieve in front of your daughter. She needs to see that it is ok to cry and miss daddy. She will greive in many different ways - try to get her to talk about what she is feeling and that it's ok to get mad or sad. Don't try to avoid talking about the good times with daddy. Special stories will reinforce how much her daddy loved her. As you see fit, talk about the cancer. It took about 1 1/2 years for me to discuss my husband's illness with our son, but it helped him understand what happened.

*** If you're religous, talk about heaven. Get a helium balloon, tie a note on it (from her to daddy), let it go and “send” it to daddy.

*** Don’t make any major life decisions for at least year (moving, etc.)

*** Go easy on yourself. Take naps when possible. Let the answering machine take your calls on the weekend sometimes.

*** Help your daughter make a scrap book of her and her daddy. Make sure to jot down funny stories and dates! This will help you too.

*** Find a good support group. Doesn’t have to be a formal one, just some people who will let you grieve in your way and wipe the tears. I attend a young widows support group through the church where at work. Let me know if you want more info. Kids are invited. It helped my son to see that other kids don't have their daddys too. It also helped to talk to other young widows trying to raise little ones. I thought I was the only one in this situation. Boy, was I wrong!

*** Take things one day at a time. You might even have to take them hour by hour – that’s ok!

*** As hard as this will sound – you have to keeping moving forward. Your daughter needs that from you.

*** Don’t try to get things back to normal. Normal as you knew it is gone. You have to find a new “normal”.

I pray that God will comfort you and your family. I also pray that your memories of your husband will bring you countless smiles that, in time, will over shadow the tears.

My heart goes out to you. Take care and please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Blessings always,

T.

I really can't offer any advice but I wanted to tell you how saddened I am by this. and You and your daughter will be in my prayers.

M.,

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister's husband passed away about 7 months ago in his sleep, and left behind a 2 year old daddy's girl. On top of that, our father had just passed away 6 months prior, and my niece was very attached to her gramps as well. That's a lot to deal with when you're just 2, and no explanation makes sense. My niece has her days when she acts out, and asks about her daddy all the time still.

One thing my sister did was make collage posters of pictures of my brother in law. Those are displayed in their home so my niece can see daddy anytime she wants. Also, my sister bought one of those design-your-own (sippy) cups and put pictures of my BIL in there, and my niece LOVED using her "daddy cup". Somehow, when my dad died, my niece also came up with the idea that gramps went to the moon, so she loves to look at the moon and talk to daddy and gramps. She knows they are not coming back, but she is never discouraged from talking about either of them.

Death is an incredibly hard thing to deal with for everyone, but especially for a small child who doesn't understand the concept of someone being gone forever. You have to allow time for both you and her to grieve, and let her know it's okay that you both miss daddy, and that he misses you both just as much. I wish you the best through this difficult time.

Let me first say I'm so sorry for your lose. I too lost my husband to cancer and had an 11 year old still at home. Children feel the lose just like you do,- sad , don't understand why, angery at everyone, all the emotion you feel. I found it to help to let my daughter know I was feeling the same way and it was OK to feel that way. We cried together and I told her little things that her and daddy did together and we laughed together. I know your little one is alot younger than mine was but she still is going through the same thing. Let her tell you how she feels and hold her and tell her you feel the same way. Let her talk about daddy.If she feels like throwing something go out in the yard and throw something with her let her know you feel like doing that too. So many times people feel uncomfortable to talk about the person but I found it to help if they would tell me little things that they remembered about him. It is like when you have a bad cut- first it is gapping open and hurts like nothing you have ever felt before, then it scabs over- still hurts and is tender, then it is a scar -still there and sometimes hurts but not as bad. But the memories are always there for us to look on and smile or cry and IT IS OK.
I not only lost my husband to cancer in June of 2006 but we lost a daughter in Feb.2006 in a car accident. So it was like a double whammy. But through the Grace of God we are doing good and the memories of both are a comfort to us.
Hope this helps.
My prayers are with you and your family.

Dear M.,

Please accept my sympathies for your loss and what you're going through right now. It's huge. Be good to yourself and accept help and support from all who offer it.

As for your daughter, child is not developmentally capable of grasping death until the age of seven. Even so, she knows her daddy is physically absent and her mommy is very different. Promise her the day will come when you're not as sad as you are on this day. Throughout different stages of her life she may revisit the loss and have to re-process and re-reconcile the loss appropriate to that stage.

While young, she may engage in magical thinking: if only she's good enough, Daddy will come back. This goes hand-in-hand with believing that Daddy went away because of something she did. As you're addressing that, address feelings of abandonment, telling her that Daddy didn't leave because he wanted to AND that you won't leave her. Her main concern, at this age, is to know she'll be cared for. Remember to tell her that, although you wish her daddy hadn't had to go away, you're so very, very glad she is here with you. Tell her often.

It's unfortunate that you're so far from Kansas City, as we have "Solace House, a Place for Grieving Children and Their Families." If there is an equivalent near your town, you might find support there, as well as books to read to your daughter. Otherwise, call SH and ask for recommendations, or contact your library. "Tear Soup" is a lovely, accurate book on grief. Is there a grief group in your town into which you can plug? Starting one, if you set out with appropriately low expectations, shouldn't be too taxing for your decreased energy level. You'll find you feel better for the camaraderie.

God bless,

C.

I can't name any of them by name but there are a handful of childrens picture books at the book store about death.

I've heard about families planting trees to help deal with the death of a loved one.

It would probably be a good idea to talk with a family therapist. They could probably help out a great deal. Even the peditrician or fmaily doctor would work with everyone involved.

I'll keep your family in my prayers

God Bless you honey. Love her over and over. Have family help. Try in front of her to talk of good times with him. Kids hear everything. You are mourning, i pray your family will help you. Have them all try to remember good times with him and talk about them. We had a dealth with a older child and it affected the younger 2 girls in fourth grade so much. It did all of us. I am so so so sorry . You have double grief. Love and take care of you and your baby. Geet help from family, counseling, pastor. Anyone will help .This is a person worst fear. You are in my prayers all of you. P.S. Tell her also she only needs to talk when she wants and if others are talking in front of her, ask them to stop, that it upsets her. For all to love her and let her act our, and love love love, God Bless1 Write me if you want me to private email or call you. Sweetie I am so sorry for you. It is so hard. It is double for you, everyone oray for her please,Your friend in God who can do all things,J.!

I am so sorry to hear about what you and your daughter are going through. There is a wonderful organization called The Solace House. It helps children and parents through the grieving process. Please check them out - I highly recommmend them. They are located at 8012 State Line Rd., Shawnee Mission, KS 66208 and their phone # is ###-###-####. Their website is www.solacehouse.org
Take Care and God Bless! M.

M.,
I was 9 when my dad passed away from cancer. I didn't behave badly but really needed his attention before and after his death. If you can find times before any outbursts to spend time reading to, listening to, taking a walk with, cooking with, anything you can do with your child I would suggest you do it. I would say that she is acting out because she is insecure and needing to feel loved and protected from anything and everything including her own behavior. Spend time with her and also draw the boundary lines of appropriate behavior and consequences for inappropriate behavior. Make sure she feels loved and loved to a child means being close to them and also keeping them safe by not allowing inappropriate behavior. I am a teacher so I've had training and experience. When I first started teaching I thought the kids wouldn't like me if I was firm with them but I learned they love you if you love them enough to pay attention to them and give them limits. I don't know what your style of parenting is but I know that yelling doesn't work. Being firm and following through with a consequence such as time out (1 min. per year of age) to think about the behavior and how to act correctly works better usually. Good luck.
D.

my deepest sympathy and prayers to you and yours. I know some people will have the child write a letter and tie it to a balloon and let the child go anywhere she wants to take it and release it to the heavens above. I know you encourage her to talk about her feelings. My sister passed and left 4 small ones behind and it is very hard on them. My ex passed and my son was 12 and that was hard. I just encouraged him to speak about feelings and then tried to comfort them. there are books now of how to deal with the passing of a parent. It is important for them to learn that all things will die and how to deal with it. It may help you also. God bless you.....

My heart goes out to you and your daughter!!

One thing I suggest is to keep 'daddy' as alive in her heart as possible. She may be afraid that she is going to forget him, what he looks like, what he sounds like and all. Making picture posters are a good way to do this. Find pictures of her and 'daddy' together and ones of mommy and daddy together and all of you guys together... That way she can remember the good times and won't have to worry about forgeting. When she is having a 'bad day' you could just sit down with her and 'chill' talking about things she use to do with her daddy and different memories she has of him. This will also help keep him alive in her heart. This would also be something that may help you as well... and be a good bonding time for the two of you. :)

Keep your chin up and let us know how she does.
Good luck and God Bless.

tell your daughter to get mad and cry it will help her through the process talk it out with her cry together that way she knows it's ok to cry not to hold in your feeling's and maybe that will go from both emotions to just being sad my son had the same problem with his uncle died suddenly it has been almost a year and now when he talk's about him it's pretty much good things and not dwelling on what happend it will take alot of patience but if your daughter is in school get with the counsler to help you that's what i did and it hepled so much she was meeting with him once a week because i had talked all i could and decided to get some help but i didnt want therapist i didnt want to scare him thats why i tried the school first things are much better now.