Daycare Says Son Not Ready for Underwear, Preschool Says Yes! What to Do??

I also am a daycare provider and I really don't agree with your daycare provider. I think your child should stay in his underwear. For one thing he will learn that wet undies are the best feeling things if for the short time he is wearing them. I would suggest taking him to the potty every half hour. This is what I do here with the daycare children. I agree with your preschool he is ready, once they are able to wake up from nap or night time dry they are ready to be trained. Boys are famous for being difficult to trained. For my own children my oldest son was 4 and my youngest 2 and the only reason why my youngest trained easily is because he wanted to be like his big brother.

I also have a 31/2 year old that I am struggling to potty train. I think you know your child best. You should listen to what both say and decide for yourself what is right for him. You can't keep going back and forth because it's only going to confuse him. Pick one and stick with it. If it's to go with the undies then tell the baby sitter he's to be in them. Maybe get some rubber pants to put over them to save her furniture and floors but tell her he has to have them on. Then let her know she doesn't have to clean them just to put them in a plastic bag(put those in his bag for her). It sounds like the school is willing to work with what you decide so just let her know what you're doing. Good Luck!

Sounds to me like the daycare is either too inconvenienced by your son's accidents or they don't have enough staff to give enough individual attention. Have you considered finding a new daycare or maybe a sitter that is more one on one with your son. Maybe with his delay he just needs a little extra attention. I'm not an expert but it sounds like maybe some of his accidents could be because he is unhappy in his environment. I would insist that they use the underwear (rubber pants over them help with messes although they don't contain them completely) and if they refuse and still put diapers on him I would definitely find a new daycare provider. If it's not this battle over how to care for your child it will be another at some point. I have spoken to people I know that work at or run daycare centers and they all fully encourage potty training and helping the parents with it. Good luck....you have some tough decisions to make.

Hi Katie,

I've been a licensed home childcare provider for over 20 years. In my experiences with potty training, it sounds to me like it's mostly turned into a power struggle for everyone. However, since your son is about 6-8 months behind due to his speech & language delay, my thoughts are he needs a little more patience & understanding from his caregivers. I agree, you should insist that he should wear his underwear at daycare. In fact, it disturbs me a little that daycare puts diapers on him when he wets, as I feel this is only their convenience. I'm curious if he wets himself at pre-school as often as at daycare. I suggest everyone to relax and not make a big deal out of it (especially to or in front of him). As a caregiver in my daycare, I tell my little potty trainer, it's time to go potty (sometimes I have to tell them several times, as they're busy playing),eventually they run into the bathroom (all by themselves), and do their pooty thing, sometimes they make it and sometimes they don't. If they don't make it, I simply tell them to get some clean underwear and pants out of their bag, and change your clothes. And that's exactly what they do, no big deal! Eventually, they get the hang of it and before you know it, they're running in the bathroom all by themselves. Until then, make sure you provide, lots of dry underwear & pants for him to change into!! Good luck!

Is less acidents happening at school? They just might be doing something right for your child.

When our 3 year old has an acident, usually from waiting to long...we leave him to clean things up and to change on his own. He learned fast that this is not a fun task, and has less of this.

Whatever you do, consistantcy is important where ever your child is (school, care, and at home). Follow your instincts. Know one knows your child better then you. After all you are the mom.

I hope this helps.

My daughter is just over 2 yrs old and I am doing the underwear thing as well. I have a babysitter once a week at my home and came home to my daughter in a diaper. I feel your frustration believe me. My daughter also will have accidents right in front of me after asking her to go on the potty. Please share any advice you get from others. I did notice that when we are away from home going shopping, or out to eat, at the grocery store, anything like that, she will not put up a fight in the least to use a public restroom? I am still trying to figure it out myself. If I have a breakthru, I will be sure to share it with you. Best of Luck! H.

My son was 4 1/2 before he was fully trained and he was a very bright boy. Boys just take longer. I do agree your daycare should be supporting you and you should be making the decisions on whether it's time to start training or not. I also used the plastic pants over the underwear to save on the wear and tear of my daycare ladies house. Sometimes when you go back and forth between pull ups and underwear it confuses them. My 3yo dtr, who if fully trained, will con't to pee in her night time pullup in the waking hours, if I don't take it off her right away. They are smart little creatures. Be patient it will happen. My advice, ditch the pullup and get ready to do some floor cleaning. He'll get it, not many children go to kindergarten in a diaper....

Hello Katie,

I completely understand your dilema. I am a family childcare provider and also care for those with special needs. My policy for potty training is the child needs to be successful for 2 weeks before I will start here at my childcare. But sometimes with special needs you need to keep introducing it to them. Now if your son is not knowing when he has to go then that is a sign he is not fully ready to potty train. If your provider is family it would be difficult for her to keep up with his accidents and tend to her other children. I had a child who had Downs syndrome and he was 4 still in pull ups. I would take him at scheduled times during the day to the potty but he was not ready to do it alone. Also in the beginning I will have the child go to the bathroom every 20-30 mins even if they don't have to go. If they have Accidents they will help me clean it up and change themselves if able.

In my exp the boys I have had in my care were not ready till 3-4 yrs old. Depending on how consistent the parents and I were working together. I can understand both sides and you also need to look at the fact Preschool has more helpers. Does he attend a special program at the Public schools? If so they have allot of help with such things. I would stop bringing diapers and switch to pull-ups. Or you can purchase trainers that are cloth online and have your provider use them.

Ask them if they will work with you on this matter. I know personally it is hard to train a child enough when they are ready , let alone when they are not it is more difficult.

Katie,

Can he wear pull ups at the babysitters? If he is going potty in his "big boy pants" and getting her house or furniture wet, I can understand her relunctance. Parents are always more tolerent of that then others. Maybe the babysitter needs to try something different at her home, a sticker chart, special things he gets to do (like paint) etc.

Hope everything works out.
R.

I recommend staying with the underwear - especially since you just had the potty party. Accidents do happen. However, since your teacher thought it was a 'control' issue and your son is speech delayed - have you considered showing him the sign language for potty? That may help...my son didn't speak until he was 3 (but he potty trained at 2). The sign language really made a difference in his world. The sign for 'potty' is to put your thumb between your first 2 fingers (making a fist) and shake your hand back and forth. Your son might really like that method of indicating his need for the potty - it's much easier than having to think of the right word, and then get his mouth to say it! (My son continued to use the sign for potty long after he started talking!). Good luck.

I have been a daycare provider for 21 years. A child who will not tell you that they ahve to go to the bathroom is not ready or does not want to be potty trained. Your child sounds very smart. I am all for rewarding children for good behavior with prizes or extra privilages but you also need to take away items or privilages for bad behavior. Children will have accidents. They are unavoidable and they are just accidents but when he stands in front of you and pee's because you won't give him what he wants, thats not an accident.
Giving him a "Potty Party" when he is not going on the potty is telling him he doesn't have to do it and you will let him have the party anyway.
At daycare we have other children to consider along with yours. We can not be cleaning up your child, cleaning the bathroom, or chairs and other equipment the child may ahve used as well as disinfecting everything all day long when there are others to take care of as well.
We use sticker charts and they get stickers when they go and they remove one when they go in their pants. It's a train track chart that has 30 tracks. When the train reaches the station, they get a prize. 99% of the time, by the time the train reaches the track, the child is completely potty trained. A child that is ready, will usually be completely potty trained in 2-3 weeks.
I do not like pull-ups. To me they are a diaper. When we start potty training we use underware and rubber pants. If a parents want to try potty training, we are more than will to try and most of the time it works. We feel the parents know the children better than anyone but some times, there are children that want no part of it and you just have to stop and try again later.
I hope I don't sound too harsh, that is not my intention but I do understand your childcare providers situation.

First off pull up's are diapers. Your daycare should do what you want. The longer your child is in diapers the longer this is gonna take. I trained all three of my kids with the "let them clean up their own mess." It sucked for the first few days but well worth it in the long run.

Hello I have a child that has speech and language delay also I kept with my child in underwear just keep at it dont let the school or Daycare tell you hes not ready My son was 4 when he just went in and potty all by hisself. I understand what you are going through. Just keep at it and he will start to go potty I would take enough diapers for naptime. Make sure they are taking him potty every half hour Thats how I got my son to go

Katie-
I am a step-mother to an amazing 5 year old girl and pregnant with my first baby. My sd is with us 50% of the time and with her mom %50 of the time. During potty training, she was also in daycare full time. We faced a similar issue. After being with us for 5 days (and wearing underwear), she would have minimal accidents and the struggle to wear underwear would die down. However, she would always return from her mother's in a diaper. And the whole struggle would begin all over again. Her mother claimed she was not ready, because she had accidents or she would pee right in front of her. She was 3 1/2 at the time as well. We spoke to daycare and told them to keep her in underwear and they too agreed. In fact, if her mother dropped her off in a diaper they would replace it with underwear too. We were advised that the switching back and forth makes it harder for them to determine what they are supposed to do. We faced many, many accidents and acts of defiance...but we were told to keep up positive re-enforcement and consistency. I kinda get the feeling your daycare just doesn't want to deal with accidents (which they are being paid to deal with). If I was in your shoes, I would be insistent that they too facilitate the potty training process. It took us about 5 monthes and she was fully potty trained. You'll get through it:) Just our experience hope it helps...

I would tell your daycare that they are not to put diapers on your son! Since he has the language delay he may not be able to tell them that he needs to go and that is not necessarily a sign that he is not ready. Does he even need diapers for nap time? I would not send any diapers, and if they continually refuse to accept your wishes I would seriously find a new daycare, one that believes the parent knows their own child!

Maybe you should find a new daycare. As I see it, the daycare should be willing to support the parents' efforts to raise thier child their way. All of the changing back and forth will just confuse your son. My son took his sweet time potty training, too. We only just recently got him to use the toilet for bowel movements, and stay dry through the night. In the end, getting rid of the pull-ups was the only thing that really worked for us.