Daughters Being Singled Out

Actually I think kids were meaner in the old days (1990's and back).

The boyfriend thing sounds like a social skills issues of the boy.

The DD4 story is typical.

This is all normal kid stuff, and these kids are only 6 years old or younger. You are being overly sensitive to comments that are ultimately trivial. Your kids need to learn to deal with them, and the best way for them to learn is for you to stay out of it.

You say your daughter is "headstrong, can be bossy but is also very spirited and has a lot of ideas." A girl like that should definitely be able to handle a few comments from other kids. Kids take their cues from their parents, so you don't want to teach your daughters to be overly sensitive, as you appear to be about these minor incidents.

The teachers should be able to handle the boy at school.

I agree, you will make yourself nuts if you obsess on this stuff. Your daughters are not being "singled out," and none of what you describe is "drama," unless you make it so.

You can't let this stuff get to you. And it's important to teach your daughters to not let this stuff get to them. The drama at their age is forgotten by the next day. Really. The best thing you can do for them is to teach them to let it go. The ones that learn to let it go are usually the happiest.

I have to say, though, the comments about the football teams really baffle me. Who cares what someone else says about your team? I live in Tigers/Indians rivalry (I used to be a huge baseball fan, but I haven't really made time for it since the kids were born.), and people make comments all the time. It's all in good fun. It would never occur to me to take it personally.

Teach your daughters to be resilient! That is a fabulous gift to give them, and it will help them get through all the drama in the years to come.

kids don't have a lot of filters, or sophisticated social coping techniques.
they run in wolfpacks, and wolfpacks are not gentle. this is a good thing. one of the wolfpack's several functions is to knock off the rough edges.
it's very, very normal, and common, for kids to get all riled up about their families' favorite sports teams, or who plays with whom, or ordering seating arrangements. and while it's GREAT for parents to offer some tools for handling conflict, it's become way too ubiquitous for parents to be involved in far too many details, just as you are here.
it's always hard to watch our kids struggle, whether they're the bossy ones or they're the ones trying to handle the overbearing kids. and you can help-but from a healthy distance.
kids are not meaner these days. at all. and yes, the drama will continue to grow. stop being sad about it. this is childhood, and childhood is full of challenges. we want it to be all lollipops and christmas mornings, but they're being honed into productive adults, and they are much, much more adept at honing each other than we give them credit for.
i suggest you back way off, give some thoughtful advice or suggestions such as role-playing or boundary work WHEN asked to do so, and school yourself to intervene only in extreme circumstances.
kids whose parents are immersed in their little dramas and battles never learn how to cope on their own. let the wolfpack do its hereditary job.
khairete
S.

These things come - and go - a lot.
It's better to let the kids handle it as it happens while you pull back and stay out of it (or be only peripherally aware of it).
Even best friends aren't best friends all the time - they have spats - but at the end of the day (or week) they usually are all good all over again.
Your oldest is only in 1st grade.
You're going to go nuts if you track this all this closely till your daughters are all graduated out of grade 12.

My boys are 20 and 17, soon to be 21 and 18, and - looking back - the biggest thing I would do differently is to NOT sweat the small stuff.

I don't want to minimize your feelings at all, but I do want to tell you that you have a long road ahead with many highs and lows. Your girls will take the lead from you. I loved another mom's suggestion (and it is right on the money) to help your daughters develop resilience. Work on it for yourself too, so that all the bumps in the road don't jar you too much.

I watched my sister raise my niece this way (in her first year of college). Lots of frenemies came and went through the years, and the deepest friendships seemed to stand the test of time. Some developed very late in the game too. My sister just held to the course and supported her daughter and loved her unconditionally. And niece is an amazing young woman with terrific values (went to public school all her life so she is not a homeschooler like my kids).

Wishing you peace and clarity - you've got this Mama! Let go of the angst.

at first grade this is ridiculous. She should not be stressing over a boy being into her and you should not even be using sentences like that to describe a 1st graders interaction with another child.

the taunting and teasing thing has been going on forever. and if you would have ignored it she would have learned that this is not a battle to keep fighting just move along. if each time she has one of these interactions you make it into a big deal it will be a big deal and she will be the 12 year old who can't interact with other kids.

let her navigate her own childhood and learn to stand up for herself. It sounds like you are trying to do that but you are way to involved in the minute by minute stuff. let the kids play. and yes there will be days when she comes slamming in and complaining about the other kids. the only thing you need to say is hmm and let her talk. maybe the occasional wow what are you going to do.... and let it go. don't say they are mean. just because a kid does or does not like your any given kid doesn't mean they are mean. it just means they don't like your kid. its ok. your kid will "not" like other kids. and that also is ok.

Here is my two cents.

The boy in school. That need to be nipped in the bud now. Get the school more involved. Talk to the counselor or principal. That is not normal behavior.

The neighborhood kids. This is normal stuff. Sorry. The football rivalry is silly. Your daughter participated in that as well. We are Texan fans but I work with a big group of men who cheer for the Cowboys. Yuck!! We have bets going all the time and rib each other. That is what this kid was doing.

I don't think kids are meaner I think parents get involved too much. Not everyone is going to like your child and your child isn't going to like everyone. That is just a matter of life. Girl drama at this age is a pain in the rear. I have a daughter so I completely understand. However, I felt it was necessary for her to learn to deal with some of this. If it got too out of hand I would step in but I really never had to do that.

Give your daughters the skills to deal with this now. You say one is headstrong. That's good. She won't be a follower.

Personally, you need to relax a little. Don't get caught up in the drama.

When I read post's like this, I honestly think there is something wrong with me and my past mothering skills, as I was never this emotionally upset in my kids day-to-day issues. If they got in the car upset after school, I would ask and listen, and tell them they they are smart and can figure it out, or talk to the teacher when something upsetting happens, or ignore the bad behavior by walking away, etc. And then we ate ice cream or played cards or started home work or played the piano, and I just taught them to 'Let It Go".

I suggest that you are a bit overly obsessive about your kids relationships. Don't teach them to micro-manage everyone or every behavior. Teach them to be happy they are at school and have lots of friends to chose from and they have the right to play with anyone they want that day.

I see you've written about this kind of issue before and all I can say is it seems like some girls have drama and other don't. I don't think kids are any worse now. I remember sisters in our neighborhood when I was a kid who could be so mean and cause so much drama. Fast forward 30 something g years and we have lots of girls in our neighborhood and I have two daughters. Very little drama. One of mine is easy going and loves everyone so rarely has issues. She doesn't have to be the leader and just wants to play. The other one is quiet and often prefers to be alone so no drama with her either. I have heard of drama or fights among some of the other girls though. They're just different personalities than my kids. Not bad but just stronger or something. Same with them at school. Actually, one of them does cause trouble. But my point is sounds like it's kind of your daughter. Not that it's bad. Just how things seem to go. I would get books on high spirited kids though and also ask to speak to the school counselor to get advice on how to guide your daughter. I was very sensitive until recent years and only then learned some techniques that probably would have served me well years ago. So nothing wrong with your daughter but also probably ways to minimize some of this with practice. Like I don't think my kids would fight over the football team. They'd kind of brush it off. I get why your daughter fought back and I probably would have too so I'm happy my kids are easier going that way. You could teach your daughter to stand up for herself of course but also make light of these silly things. And yes. It will get worse. Now I'm hearing of drama at school not with my daughter thankfully but other girls as they get older and her grade has been shockingly amicable up until now. But I knew some day things would heat up.

As for the kid in school, I'd revisit it with the teacher. My DD's teachers have been really responsive about such things.

I've also talked to my DD about ways to handle kids. Kids say stupid things. She doesn't need to school them all the time. She can ignore them, tell them to stop, talk to a teacher, etc. Getting upset and yelling back when it's really minor just gets HER in trouble and they know they get a rise out of her. I wouldn't worry about every interaction, but just keep an eye on the overall vibe of the group. Not all kids feel friendly all the time, including our own. My DD might have been the kid sitting alone for her own down time. If the friend is otherwise friendly other times, then I would just let it go.

About the boy - talk to the guidance counselor. The school needs to work with him before he ends up being a teen who obsesses over his girlfriend and stalks her. If parents and schools worked with these kinds of personalities when they are young, some of them could be helped before getting that way.

And before anyone tells you that this is okay and normal for a boy to do, no, it isn't. I have two boys. They have friends. I've never seen this from them and I wouldn't have allowed it from my own boys, period. You have to teach them early to respect girls and make sure that they know that their friends can be friends with anyone.

As far as get togethers with other girls are concerned, perhaps you should consider making them shorter, at your house, and stay within earshot. LISTEN to your own daughter. Really try to be impartial and think about how she is treating others. You say that she's spirited, headstrong and a little bossy. You can look at that as a good thing, or you can look at that as a kid who is always pushing others around, and manipulating the situations she's in. The girls may put up with it, but the boys won't. They won't manipulate - they'll be bulls in a china shop. That could be why the boy starts this stuff with the team. (Not that it's appropriate, but they aren't at the age that they can necessarily understand appropriate.)

If you truly think that she is not being manipulative and too pushy, then keep talking to her about being inclusive with the other girls, trying to show her how to help people get along. Being a natural born leader can be a good thing if she can learn how to channel it. Letting kids fight over her attention is NOT a good thing and you can and should help her with that.

You need to step in if kids are being inappropriate, including the boy. You don't treat kids like little adults and let them say or do things that are problematic. You take them aside and tell them what is wrong with how they are acting. You "teach". You tell them the rules and your expectations. And if he can't play better, he can can go home and think about his behavior. (Or if he is treating her poorly at school, you can say no to him coming over at all.)

I do agree to a certain extent that you let them work it out. But when drama crosses into inappropriateness and rudeness, you speak out. Teaching, coaching, etc. That's what you are supposed to do.

Hi :)

I think we all look out for our kids and get concerned when there are social issues that come up - I think it's natural to doubt our parenting kills from time to time. We sometimes hurt for our kid, but I find at this age, the kids aren't that upset. We seem to be more upset - so it is important to take it in stride. Otherwise, we tend to pass our stress/worry over these typical childhood situations on to them.

I don't think kids are any worse. I think our parents never bothered with this stuff unless they were the fussy type mothers. Mine wasn't. It as up to us to learn how to deal with our peer groups and sort through the odd little hiccups. I know my mother (and older siblings) find the fact that our generation worries about this stuff so much a little odd :)

My kids are pretty laid back and easy going. They will stand up for themselves if the situation calls for it, but they are not 'spirited' as you say. I think your daughter sounds like she likes to challenge other kids and that's fine but some kids will be put off by it. My kids would be. So she may have to reign it in a bit if that's a concern. Just help her to learn how to compromise. On the flip side, she's never going to be a doormat, so that's terrific :) My kids sometimes are TOO easy going and I worry about that at times (always something.. ).Then I tell myself to quit worrying and just enjoy them.

Yes - I wish moms would not say to their kids that they HAVE to sit with (or play with) kids. Nothing will make a child not want to sit next to another child unless they are ordered to do so.

I think there is a notion of BFF at early ages nowadays - not sure if it was so pronounced when we were little. So I think there is some rivalry/competition out there - and I think the little boy (who is upset that your daughter has another boy friend) may just be acting out. Who knows - maybe his mother is pushing him to keep up the friendship. I think the teacher should be handling that (and she can talk to his parents).

Good luck :)

Well, yeah, I'd say that some kids maybe are meaner than what we remember. But I'd say a big part of that is because we came from a generation whose parents didn't bring it to our attention if they did see it. They just sort of took it for granted that kids would be kids and sometimes they aren't nice.

Yes, I will say that there are some kids who seem to exhibit more 'relational aggression' than others. Sometimes kids are exposed to bad examples through older siblings or media. It happens. Some kids are allowed to run their households. We are dealing with a very different generation of parenting than the one I participated in even 25 years ago when I started working with children. I mean, if kids were arguing over sports teams and getting upset, we'd tell both kids to just knock it off already because it's annoying.

I see kids your daughter's age in the library at my son's school. It is common behavior for kids to argue over who sits where and so on. It's common for kids to defy their parents by not doing what they want. What you see as a child not wanting to sit next to your kid-- maybe that's true, but maybe the mother made it worse by forcing the issue instead of letting the kids figure it out. You seem surprised that this other girl might have friends besides your daughter. I mean, why should this other girl have to ditch her new friend she wants to sit next to-- and hurt her feelings-- because your daughter hasn't learned how to share her friends? That's another very common occurrence that this age as well. I mean, what I'm reading is that it's somehow an insult to your daughter that her friend wanted to play with someone else.

Listen, I dealt with my kid complaining about this for the first two years of school and me just reminding him that he's not in charge of anyone but himself and he has friends, but he doesn't own them. He has to share his friends if he wants to keep them. I don't know what else to tell you-- this is a great opportunity for your daughter to learn how to be with other kids. It's messy, it hurts. Believe me, I understand how it can hurt your heart when your kid gets excluded or their buddy hurts their feelings, but it's important that they learn how to deal with this stuff. Try to see the gift in this. It's hard, I know, and there are lots of times it doesn't feel like a gift.

And if you feel that this is beyond your scope--and it's okay to want support-- talk to the school counselors. They are a wonderful resource and can help us to help our kids through these rockier times socially. Good luck!

I know it's so hard to watch your kids be hurt, and it's also hard to stay out of their affairs. I think it may be easier, and more productive, to work on giving them the skills to handle things rather than try to solve everything for them. Those are 2 different things.

For the neighborhood thing, I'd tell them to play as long as they can get along, and to come home to either do something else or be bored when they are at each other. I'd handle the sports team rivalries with a little discussion about how ironic it is that sportsmanship has declined into screaming about sports. Show them some photos or video clips of rivals shaking hands after games or remaining friends after a teammate gets traded. I'm in Boston, and I have to say that Celtics fans applaud when former coach Doc Rivers comes with his current team or legendary Celtic Larry Bird comes with his. (And yeah, some Red Sox even applaud for the Yankees.) So maybe there are analogies in your area or with the 2 teams in questions. Overall, it's kind of a silly thing to get in a screaming match about.

As for the boy who is annoying her in school, let the teacher handle it. Talk about jealousy being a sign of insecurity. And if he's nagging her about nonsense and won't relent, remind her the next time she's bugging the hell out of you about something when you're trying to make dinner that she can do the same thing sometimes. She can try to be kind to him while "using her words" (as they say) to tell him when she likes certain actions and dislikes others. She can tell him he's trying to hard, and that when he tries to keep her from being friendly with others, he's pushing her away.

I read your other posts and noticed the one about you being so sad that your daughter might need a therapist. You see this is a failing rather than a way to give her skills. She seems to have problems with her bossy style and strong leadership skills - maybe she's beyond some of the kids now, and maybe she cannot handle her leadership qualities effectively. Learning to develop skills is not a personal failing in her or in you as her mother. Perhaps if you saw some positives here, you won't be so defensive and feel the need to step in all the time. One of the way kids learn is by talking about their problems with others (parent, teacher, doctor, therapist, dance teacher…).

The other way is to fail and to learn from experience. So if you can talk it through with her - at the 6 year old level - and get her to empathize with the other kids, she'll be more understanding and more accommodating. For example, if she sees the desire to sit with her all the time as a compliment but also a sign of the boy's insecurity, maybe she can be kinder. If she feels the rejection by those who don't want her to sit with them as the same way the clinging boy feels when she rejects him, maybe she'll a) understand that she's been annoying and b) that rejection hurts. Maybe she can find a middle ground instead of pairing up all the time.

The rest of it is so typical - just don't get involved in the high drama. You survived it - your kids will too.

I don't know if it's better or worse than it used to be - I think sometimes there is less bullying because schools are aware of it, but sometimes there is more because technology gives people more ways to be so verbal on a grand scale without thinking of repercussions.

I'm a little surprised that you said your daughter knows she's not "allowed" to have boyfriends. She's 6 years old!!! Why on earth would you feel a need to put that idea in her head? You might have an idea that she shouldn't have a boyfriend before she's 16 or something, but why is this something you've talked to her about. She's 6! It's going to be YEARS before she even has a clue as to what it means to have a boyfriend.

My 8 year old is in second grade and has a girlfriend. What does that even mean? Do they sit together at lunch? Do they play together at recess? I actually don't think they do, as he's always telling me about what he and a couple of his (male) friends do at recess.

My point is, she might use the word "boyfriend," but she doesn't mean it in the sense that high school students do. They're not going to the movies and making out or anything. It's innocent.

My concern is that making a rule that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend kind of gives her the idea that she's supposed to want a boyfriend. I didn't date until college, so hearing that other people weren't allowed to date until they were 16 made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I think it is so much more important to maintain a relationship with them and talk to them about boys and dating than it is to set an arbitrary age.

She shouldn't know she "isn't allowed to have a boyfriend." That's not age appropriate. I think it would be a good idea if you didn't say anything about that again. Let her be 6. When she's thinking about dating, you'll know. That's when you talk about it.

Yes. You're trying to micromanage. Let them handle their own relationships. I promise you, it ALL matters more to you than it does to your girls.

(Although I wiukd speak to the counselor and teacher about the boy classmate. If want to be sure they are NOT in the same home room next year.)

I may be totally off base here, but it seems significant to me that you said your daughter is headstrong and can be bossy. Something I've noticed with my kids and others is that there is only so much room in any group of kids for headstrong, bossy people. I don't think there's necessarily any rhyme or reason to who ends up being acceptable and who ends up being at odds with the group, but I do think these situations provide a good opportunity to have important conversations with your daughter about interacting with a group of people.

One I would definitely have with your daughter as a result of this particular incident is when is it more important to stand up for what you feel/think/believe and when is it more important to be pleasant. This kind confrontation is going to happen all through life with individuals and with groups. Sometimes it will be trivial (like disagreements over sports teams--with the exception of certain areas where I would be skinned alive for calling that a trivial issue) and sometimes it will be serious (like moral issues).

In your shoes, I'd be talking to her how to tell if it's a situation like this is one, which she needs to learn to let roll off her back. Give her an example of other scenarios where she may want to avoid trash talking and being aggressive with her opinions because it's just not needed; if she wants to maintain friendships she's got to know when to quit. As corny as the saying may be, teach her to disagree without being disagreeable. After all, she doesn't have to change the team she roots for or other personal opinions just because her friends like other things.

More importantly, I would want to give her an idea of times when it would be more than appropriate to stand up to the group, even if it resulted in them walking away from her. You can help her understand that if she learns how to handle disagreements on little things, taking a stand on the big things will be more meaningful instead of just making her look like an argumentative person.

Use the incidences as opportunities to teach your daughter about how to cope in the world. There are lots of challenging adults, so she should practice now to get ready for adulthood.

I'm 72 and remember similar stuff going on at that age. I was sometimes was upset with what was going on. My mother listened to me and helped me see how unimportant all that was. We spent just a short time talking before I was bored. My mom told me she loved me just the way I was and to not let other kids upset me. I think that having my mom not get emotionally involved while she made the situation seem not so serious as I thought it was. She guided me in thinking of ways to get past the "mean" kids.

I thought you were talking about teens. I suggest you stop being a part of the drama. Directly tell your daughter that it's time to ignore all that. Redirect her interests when she starts talking about who does this, etc. show her that you're not interested in this behaviour by not getting involved. When she's upset be sympathetic and change the subject in a few minutes. Teach her that this sort of drama is inappropiate. Talk with her about what is appropriate for 7yo. to think and do. Do not get caught up in her drama.