Daughter's Jealous Fiance

Hi, I too was in a relationship with a man like that. Everything was perfect.. Until we got married. It seemed like as soon as the papers were signed he was a different person. I could not go out with my friends, I could not go shopping without him, I couldn't make phone calls (my phone had to be on vibrate all the time), ect. Trying to change every aspect of who I am. It got so bad that we separated after 2 kids and are now working on a divorce. I'm in a relationship now with someone (only have been for 2 mos-been separated over 18 mos) and this person treats me and my kids great... Jealousy yes, is a red flag. Be weary of it.

Marriage is about compromise.
She doesn't need to give up her sense of style, but certainly she can be stylish and sexy without showing cleavage! You have to give where you can in marriage. From toothpaste brands to how many children you have. This is one of the first of many things they will have to address. For some men, how good their wife looks, it isn't an issue, but for others it is.
My husband hates perfume, but I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT. So I only wear it when I go out with friends.
Your daughter's identity isn't tied into how provocatively she dresses. It is the inside that counts.
If this one thing can help - I say do it. If the issue starts showing itself to be deeper and begins to control your daughter's life, they will need some counseling to help him overcome his (understandable based on his past) insecurity and jealousy.

I am a small framed girl with a big chest (I wear a size 4 but wear a 34 DD), so there is no getting around the men staring at me- low cuts or no. My husband says it makes him proud as a peacock when other men take notice of his beautiful wife. This in turn makes me feel beautiful and sexy that he feels that way. If she changes what she wears do to his insecurity, then what next? It will always be something else. An insecure man is a weak man, and this issue will just become another and another down the road. I have been men like this, and she could consider this a huge red flag.

She shouldn't HAVE to change for him- but because of his history, that's an issue that only he can deal with, and that he needs to get over. My husband has always taken a different philosophy when it comes to men staring at me in public. He told me one day that "Yeah, they can look all they want, but I know who you're going home with." Maybe she could tell him something along those lines to help with the insecurity.

If your daughter does not know it already, please tell her.
NEVER change who you are for anyone!
If she does, soon it will be something else that he wants her to change. She will be jumping through hoops forever.
I was just like your daughter and dare say still am now in THIS age bracket.
I had the benefit of watching from a distance some of my friends change who and how they are for someone else, and then I watched them, and consoled them as they cried because they were miserable.
Tell her. His insecurities are his, NOT hers. If he cannot love and accept her for who she is, she should get out while the getting is good! Hindsight is still 20/20 and very hard to swallow. She needs to step back and take a good look at her future.

I don't think she should HAVE to change for him either. She is however about to be married to this man and this could be a HUGE issue. My husbands ex cheated as well and I know the insecurity issues all too well. Fact of it is that if she is a beautiful woman it doesn't matter what she wears MEN WILL LOOK!! She could adjust her attire a little and it wouldn't make much difference. She will have to help him get through this and it will take a while. There is no quick fix. She should talk to him about the way she dresses. He obviously liked it too at some point! She should just reassure him that it is more for his and her benefit. Maybe she should discuss with him when they are going out in public what he sees as appropriate and try to adjust her outfit. There are more sexy clothes that show less cleavage than ones that let it all hang out. If she covers it up more to suit him she can still be sexy and fashionable. I think maybe she could tone it down without losing her sense of self and style, and without making him feel like she is being an exhibitionist. This is totally workable, but it will take both of them giving in a little and meeting in the middle. Which is great practice considering that is what it takes for a good marriage anyway. I think this will make then closer and the foundation of their relationship stronger in the long run. After all the whole problem is trust and without it the marriage is doomed before it starts. They HAVE to give each other some slack if they are going to make it work. They have to learn to live every aspect of their lives together not just a little here and a little there. If that means adjusting attire and attitude if they really love each other they will. Sounds like both of them need to realize that marriage means you have to give up and let go of some small things to make it work. She can give a little on this without totally losing her sense of self and he has to quit projecting his feelings toward the ex onto his new fiance because she HAS NOT cheated! Otherwise maybe they should analyze why they are together and if they should get married. I think that is what is coming out anyway...marriage is a scary idea sometimes. Forever isn't temporary! There is no room for insecurities and they both have them, hers is less obvious. She is insecure about having someone else dictate her behaviors in a way that isn't suitable to what she is accustomed. They have to know that they are both in this together and both willing to do what it takes to make it. Simple right? LOL

Seems to me that he needs to work through that. Discourage your daughter from giving up part of who she is. She will only resent it in the future, and it will damage her self-esteem!!! He should be proud to be with such a beautiful woman! It should be a boost for his self-esteem! She chooses to be with him, and he needs to fix his insecurities.

Hi, I know jealousy is incredibly hard to deal with, after 4 years with my loving hubby he started showing signs of jealousy and it made me crazy, who was this new guy. Finally one day one of his friends told him, wow you must be proud to have such a hot wife. I'd take her on the town and show her off all the time. I blushed and nearly died thinking Marc would freak out, but it actually made him realize that having a wife who looks good isn't a bad thing. I did not dress provocatively, i just liked to look good when I went out.

I would start commenting about how proud he must be to have such a beautfilu wife who cares about how she looks, say things that will get his mind thinking in a different way. I hope this helps

E.

P.S. I'm not as sexy anymore, hahaha, put on some weight, had 2 kids close together and don't care so much anymore about my appearance, so he should enjoy it while it lasts :)