Daughter's Breakup After 7 Years.

I think your best bet is to stay out of it. If she comes to you, be a good listener. Encourage her to do what SHE thinks is right, and don't try to guilt her because you feel sorry for this guy. Truly, do you want your daughter with a man who isn't emotionally mature enough for her?

My ex freaked when I broke it off, constantly called and texted me, called and texted my close friends and family. That's stalker behavior, plain and simple. When someone ignores your boundaries and continues to try to guilt and pressure you...that's what stalkers do. Just keep that in mind. He might be the sweetest guy, but his behavior is crossing your daughter's boundaries. Don't you cross them too.

Hi D.,

I have to concur with the other posts advising you to keep your own counsel on this one and to let things play out as they will.

I read your profile and will say, as another 'preschool professional' that you are going to have to use some of that professional detachment that is so necessary when working with families-- see if you can draw on that as you experience these feelings. Much like families who are perhaps struggling while refusing to follow advice (I'm sure you had these), you have to take a deep breath, wish for the best for everyone, and go forward knowing that there is really *nothing* you can do FOR them, that they have to come to their own conclusions, etc.

Now, for the silver lining-- there is an opportunity within all of this for your daughter's ex-boyfriend to expand his world and his support network. Think about it-- he's had your family, you, your daughter.... but D., he's a grown man, now. This is not too soon for him to grow in his other relationships, and that will actually be a good thing for him. I get the sense that your daughter is his whole world, at the moment, but at that age, I'm not sure anyone should have their entire life wrapped up in one other person. This could be an opportunity for personal growth and development. Sort of "When God closes a door, He opens a window" sort of moment.

So let them both sort themselves out on their own. This will be a good growth experience for both of them. And be nice to yourself, keep your thoughts on this in a journal if you need to put them somewhere. It's hard to watch people we love struggle, but there's also a reason for this time, so try to find a way to be at peace with this.

I am still close to my second oldest DD's ex boyfriend, we did partly raise him, he was placed with us though CPS.

She has always understood that 'they' broke up (and it was for the better, let me tell you), but I am not capable of just turning my heart off. I don't work that way, she has been fine with that, because she understands that.

It is very tricky in the beginning cause you don't want to give false hope, be very careful with your words. It's better to be an understanding ear.

Hurting for him, doesn't mean you aren't supportive of your DD. As humans we are capable of doing both things.

My older daughter has the most amazing boyfriend, in my opinion perfect for her. They broke up a couple times due to college stress and my daughter not handling it well.

I stayed out, I gave my daughter whatever she needed. Thing is I love Mark, he is a great guy, but he is not my son! I know how you are feeling but getting in the middle of it, which 'is' what you are doing, will push a wedge between you and your daughter. It will also put a bigger wedge between your daughter and her ex!

They may work through it, they may become friends, but that sure won't happen if she is also reacting to your reactions. In other words, if you choose to concern yourself more with his feelings, which is what you are proposing to do, she is going to react with giving your feelings no concern. What that looks like in practice is she will push him away to spite you.

oh, i can only imagine how heartbroken i'd be if my younger and his gf broke up. they've been together for 9 years.
i think you're handling it fine. of course you care for this young man, and i'm glad you reached out to him. and you checked with your daughter first to make sure she was okay with it.
you support her by listening. you can't fix it, and you can't hurry her own recovery period. you just remain available to her when she needs to talk, give her advice if she asks for it, and keep a sympathetic ear available to the boy too. it won't be easy, but i think they will both appreciate your love and sensitivity when it all settles down.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

It sounds a little bit like you think she needs space and that once she gets that she'll miss him and want him back. That may not be the case. She really may be done with this relationship altogether.

He will be ok. He really will. People do survive break ups, even when the relationship lasted for 7 years. He will probably be ok a lot faster if he leaves her alone.

You acknowledge they were very young when they started dating, but you don't seem convinced that that really matters. It does! The were 16/17 when they started dating. A lot of growing up happens in those 7 years. She went away to college (did he?). Going to college is a huge life changer. Moving away from home is a huge life changer.

They both need to time figure out who they are apart from each other. When you've been with the same person since you were 17, it's normal to wonder who you are without them. She needs to know that for herself. After he has some time apart, he will hopefully see that finding out who he is apart from her is a good thing.

It sounds like you are morning their split (not just feeling bad for them). Time to let them deal with this part of their lives. It's sweet that you reached out to him, but you've done your part and now you have to let them figure this out for themselves.

D.:

First off - I'm sorry about your menopause/period! That doesn't help things!!

I am sorry that a part of your family is broken right now. It's tough. I know that when I broke up with my boyfriend of 5+ years, my parents were "friends" with him as he had been such a big part of our lives. I was fine with that. Yes, it hurt a little, but as my parents explained to me - he has been a part of our lives too. We can't just cut him out.

You need to tell your daughter that you will respect her boundaries, but tell her just that - he's been a part of our lives too.

When she realizes her loss after he stops calling and texting - you can be there for her. Just let her know you are there!!

It's hard. You can and will handle it!!

I really think you need to back away from this situation (you seem to know this).

Whatever problems they are having are not your problems. Your daughter is a grown woman with her own life. As long as you've stated your peace with her (and it sounds like you have) then your part is done.

I would be very careful not to put more emotional pressure on her than he's already doing. It sounds like you're sensitive to this.

I would stop hanging on to her via this dramatic (but hopefully brief) situation. Give her the space to work it all out.

Hugs.

ETA: I think you can still be kind to him but as another mom mentioned be careful not to give false hope.

Bless your heart, mom. It must be hard. But the truth of it is that she needs to make a break now and make sure that he does too. The constant calling and texting isn't healthy for him. At some point it could morph into stalking her. If she allows this to string along, she could actually be enabling stalking behavior, and that's not good for either of them.

They both should date other people. Not serious dating, but getting to know other people type of dating.

Perhaps you could sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you care alot about him, and part of that caring is treating him like a "son". As your "son", your advice to him is to get out there and see what else is out there. NOT continuing to call and text her. Maybe he will respect what you're saying to him.

Don't allow him to pump you for info on her, though.

As far as your daughter is concerned, I think I'd tell her the same thing. You are supporting her if you are honest with her. She is doing the right thing by not responding to his calls and texts. It's kind of like the saying "It's cruel to be kind" if she lets him think that all this will make it so they get back together. She wants to make sure she doesn't string him along.

I think that's the best way to support her. At some point, she will start feeling some other feelings about the break up, but that's okay. Right now she just needs to separate from him and get out there and date around.

Sounds like peri-menopause - I wish you luck. Finally I crossed over into menopause-land with no periods LOL!! What is it they say, "When it rains it pours"? Smiles!

Let them navigate the waters. They will figure things out. If it is meant to be it will be. Sometimes a little space does wonders. Just be there for your daughter and boyfriend. Just don't offer opinions.

I was in the same situation I dated a guy for 5 years, dad wasn't in his life, mom was not stable, she had an apartment that when he and his twin were 16 they lived in while she lived with her bf down south. So he was at my house quite a bit. It was more of a family stablility for him, home cooked meals, playing ball in the yard, stuff he probably craved because he didn't have that. When we decided to go our separate ways it was hard on both of us and took years and years to actually get over. I got married and had a child and a couple of years later he did the same. We both couldn't be happier in our lives and for one another. We actually do fishing tournaments together and get a long and like each other's spouses. We are friends again and there is NO weirdness. We were just young and that's a long time to date when your that young. That is all you know, she might really be that ok with it and if she is that's good. He is going to be hurt for a while, but it's more than likely because he lost his comfort zone and "family" stability.

Lives go on after break ups. We've all been there. While I feel for your being concerned about the young man, your first priority should be your daughter. If he has no support system,, he should seek counseling. Just because someone doesn't have a support system doesn't mean you should stay with them as their girlfriend. You have to leave room for him to grow through this experience. Who knows, he might be doing some maturing that might not have happened otherwise.

I would not encourage my daughter to be talking/texting this guy. Allow room for her to discover what she wants and doesn't want in a partner. The relationship may have run its course. You're already a little too involved in my opinion.

Please separate yourself from this young man. It sounds like he's responding in a really unhealthy way. He's quickly approaching the point of harassing your daughter, so I would be losing sympathy for him very quickly and would be advising her to block him on social media and having her cell phone company block his number too. She can even set that up herself through her account online if she has Verizon. If he won't stop calling her she can have her number changed and they'll do it for free if she tells them she's being harassed.

Stay out of it. It's time for both of them to strap on their big boy/girl pants and roll through this. You say you are grateful that your daughter is taking it so well, but your words undermine that. It sounds like to me you're having a hard time because your daughter is okay with it and doesn't really need any help getting through it.

Although it is good to meet and get to know your daughter's boyfriends, you need to keep a bit of distance. Until she is engaged, no boyfriend should feel like your own son and this is exactly the reason why. Back up a bit, mom.