My Heart Hurts Deeply

Oh this hurts bad, you have me in tears...I can not imagine your pain. I think the other Mom's are right, give him time. Sit back and try to go on with your own life. You may realize that there is someone out there that will more than meet you halfway and love you without question and self absorbtion. He sounds a bit selfish and why would he want to take other girls for jetski rides or feel guilty about it? That is just weird. It is either no big deal or there is more going on than he is willing to tell. Sounds like there is more to this story all the way around. It is still early, he may change his mind next week...men are very much like young boys...they have strange reasoning..
Take care of you, try not to be so lonely, and just take care of you. Odds are he will come back wihtin a month, but if he doesnt dont wait and worry...you will be just fine!

Whenever I feel over my head and out of control of my life, I turn to prayer. I send it all up to God and release it from my hands, life, responsibility and ask him to guide me. God has ultimate control of our lives, if we allow Him.

At one time of my life when I was begging for a sign from God that he was listening, the next day at work I found an envelope with this scripture written on:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your path. God Bless

I am so sorry this has happened to you! Believe me I know how bad this hurts and it is so hard! I feel your pain! Try to keep yourself busy as much as you can although it is hard to do I know! Maybe he will call you in a few days and work it out! I hope so!
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

Give him time. He has a lot going on. A little bit about how my husband (boyfriend at the time) dealt with mama drama.

While we were in the early stages of dating my then boyfriend now husband was going through a divorce from his first wife. He found out that his soon to be ex was pregnant with his best friend's child (stuff that Maurie is made up of). He was beside himself. He also had a child with this woman. He was going through so many emotions that it wasn't even funny. One day, he just stopped calling. I didn't hear from him for about a month. I didn't call him because I had a feeling he needed space. I was right. Basically, giving him time to come to terms with whatever he was going through helped. He didn't feel the "need" to see me. He didn't feel guilty about seeing me and not his son. He had to go through the process of grieving because, I suspect, he was still in love with the woman. He might have said otherwise at the time. But he needed that opportunity to just be. I didn't push, I didn't prod. I waited. Even though it was hard on me, I learned a valuable lesson in patience. I took the opportunity to work on my projects and yes, I missed him. But I came to realize that this was a great time for ME to figure out what I want and need. I knew that if he came back it was meant to be. If he didn't come back than it was for the best. I knew that what we had was worth coming back for. AND he did. We have been happily married now for 9 years.

First- I am so sorry. This kind of pain is so hurtful and nothing anyone says will make it stop. I am truley sorry you have to feel this way. Time does help, but I know that doesn't help now.
It sounds like he has doubts- not about you, but about him. If he has had such a hard and hurtful past relationship he might be wondering about his ability to do it right (ie. a healthy future marriage). But- you only going to his house, that's not right. Relationships are give and take. What else was he selfish about?
My advice- set him free and if he does come back it was meant to bee. I know if hurts, but do not call or email. He needs to know what he will be missing in his life.

Hi,

Don't call, whatever you do. When you feel the urge to want to call, tell yourself oh I'll call in five minutes and then go do something else and before you know if you will get through another day. For whatever reason, he does not want the relationship and you have to accept that. You don't want someone that doesn't want you. Get involved with your children and be there for them, they are the most important things anyway. And this way, it will help you keep your mind off of him. I am not trying to be negative and I know you love him, but you need to be the strong one and keep moving forward. If it's truly love, leave him alone and he'll come home (if you will). If it's not...set it free because it wasn't meant to be. Good luck to you and stay strong.

I am a fifty year old mom. I know how you hurt and I remember all of these kinds of things. I am slightly moved to tears because this guy does not appreciate what a wonderful person you are. Hang in there. Keep doing things to keep yourself going. I'll bet he'll be back but you sound too god for him. Good luck! S.

H A,
Do you remember how you felt when your relationship with your children's father fell apart? I remember. In the past, I always thought break-ups were excrutiating. Then I had my daughter, and I vowed that I would do everything I could to make the relationship work with her father. It's hard enough having a break-up where there's a clean break and you don't have to see each other constantly to exchange kids. I thought it would be unbearable to break up and have to continue seeing each other. I never understood how my mom did it... Then my daughter's father and I broke up. It hurt. But that's the shortest I cried over a relationship. I had to go to work a couple hours after he came to get our daughter for the weekend, so I cried for about an hour. I cried on and off for a little while--maybe a week. Then I would cry at random. But you know what? We've all been through this before in some way. And you know what else? We're all strong women who can make it through and show our kids that we're strong. Let them see you cry once in a while, but don't let your grief over your boyfriend stop you from enjoying time with your kids.

My point is that it's normal to grieve. Your life had his strong influence in it. Your kids were used to having him around. You're used to talking to him at certain points through the day and going to the movies and dinner with him. And it just stops. Know what one of my girlfriends did as soon as my daughter's father broke up with me after being together for 4 years? She took me to a bar to listen to Josh Holmes sing 6 days later. While there, I caught a guy's eye. I talked to the guy for a while, but nothing came of it. I knew it would be too soon to jump into a relationship. I've been single now for the past 3.5 years, and I LOVE it! I have someone who's indicating he wants a relationship. I'm so torn over this, because I'm having so much fun being free and not worrying about someone else's feelings. I get to talk to new guys and anticipate a lot of first kisses. I don't want to give that up just yet!

What I would suggest, to help you through your grief, is to not contact your boyfriend at all. I also wouldn't hope for him to contact you. If he does, then you're going to have to be very careful and make sure he's not trying to string you along. I would also recommend getting together with your girlfriends and going out. Another option would be to throw a party! Have a candle party, jewelry party, Mary Kay party (I sell Avon, but I sure won't let that get in the way of helping you feel better...), or a toy party (I do For Your Pleasure parties). All of them would let you have your friends come by to support you and help you get a bunch of free stuff! Start going to the movies and dinner with just your kids. You'll start a new routine of doing things you did as a couple as just a family. Your kids will draw strength from you. They'll learn a great lesson from watching you heal and pick up and move on with your life. You take it one day at a time, but just remember that you're not going to feel like this forever. But if you continue trying to have contact with him or if he continues contacting you, then it's going to take a lot longer for your heart to heal. So, stay busy, cry it out, go out, have a girls' night in, and devote the extra time and energy you have now to your kids. You will get through this. You're a strong woman. If you weren't, you couldn't be a single mom. We're strong women. We have to be to survive. If you need anything else, let me know!

M.
www.spiceglamup.com

H A,
I'm sorry your heart is broken. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. It sounds like you really know what you want in life, but the baggage of his life is keeping everything apart. Give him time. Pray and ask God to help you with this situation...hang in there.

J H

First of all, take a deep breath in, let it out. It will be ok. It sounds like your boyfriend/ex (what ever) needs to see what is going in his life before he goes forward with anything. No matter what his kids are his first priority. The first six years of my husband and I's marriage we only saw each other four days a month. Did I like it, NO. However, I knew it would eventually get better and it did. Have either of you thought about a couples counceling?

I know that it is hard, but hang in there. If he is worth it to you then he is worth waiting for.

Best of luck,

C. R

I am so sorry.... but Just take a step back and think, this may only be because he has so much on his plate with his ex and his children that he just can't handle a relationship right now.
Breaking up over the phone is not the right way to handle a conversation of this kind but he may not have been able to face you and say what he needed to say because of his feelings for you.
Consider sending him a long letter and share your feeling with him and tell him that you are willing to stand by his side and help in any way. Make it from the heart.

S.

I am so sorry.

I believe your boyfriend may have been right to break up with you. He's obviously not ready for a relationship. He is not sensitive to the needs of others at all, not even his own children (who will be very affected by this breakup), and he's being incredibly self centered. His behavior is very immature. Breaking up on the phone? Running away when things get difficult? Breaking up so HE doesn't feel guilty? It's like he's trying to push his own guilt off on you. Is this a grown man? Or a teenager?

Notice that when his kids are getting out of control and into trouble, they are brought to their mother, not their father. Could it be that he isn't a great father figure? That he can't help them work through their issues because he is too caught up in himself?

Every word of your letter makes me think there is not only more going on here that you aren't aware of, but that this guy is really poor boyfriend material, and awful husband material.

Walk away. DO NOT continue to contact him. Let him go grow up on his own - you can't do it for him. If you display any need at all, it will probably push him away, because he really needs to have it all about him.

Perhaps he will realize what he's lost and return. By that time, I hope you've had some time to adjust to his absense, and time to consider if this man is really all that good for you and your family. Once the painful fog clears, you may find that this was the best thing that could have happened.

Focus on you now. Make yourself happy, without the benefit of a man. You don't need him or his painful baggage in your life. Go out and do something that makes you happy. Treat yourself. Focus on your kids, too. Any time you feel that pain raise up, give yourself a few minutes to grieve, and then STOP. Go on with your life. It will get easier. And you will probably find that while this guy may have a lot of redeeming qualities, he is not ready for commitment, he is not ready to give himself to somebody else, and he is not ready to be a parent (regardless of what nature has given him). He isn't what you need. He is never going to be there for you. He isn't there for your kids. You deserve so much better. There is someone better out there. Someone who isn't so needy, so selfish, so absent.

Don't discount him entirely but do keep busy and get on with your social life. He may need space and time before making it right with you. My husband has a nasty ex-wife who basically obstructed his visitation with his kids and it tore him apart. We dated for two years, broke up for a short while but (still kept in touch), and then got back together. It took a while longer before we got married. Pamper youself. You sound like a great mom. Meet other people and don't sit by the phone. That won't help either of you. Good luck!

What exactly do you love about this man. What kind of man breaks up with someone after 3.5 years over the phone. Did he even consider how it would affect the kids. Seems the kids are having a tough time already and then he goes and add this to there problems. I understand it hurts but you can't make someone be with you if they don't want to. There are lots and lots of fish in the sea so move on and find a good one. Shed your tears and move on. Everything happens for a reason and I am sure there is something better down the road for you and your children. Remember this may be harder on them than it is on you. Make them you number one concern not the guy who didn't even have the guts to break up with you in person.

My best advice to you is to lay low for a little while. He broke up for a reason and though you may not know what it is and he may not really know either, you have to respect his decision.

If he was to talk, let him come to you. If he wants to spend some more time with his son this summer, let him. It's no fun, but you have to give him his space. If it's truly meant to be, which it sounds like you guys were really made for each other, God will bring him back.

And it's okay to cry.
2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

I know your pain. I am going through something similar to yours. His family loves me dearly and he says he does too but with the distance and the gas prices and with summer coming he just wants to take a step backwards. Ours hasn't been as long as yours though.
Mine has only been 6 months. Long enough to fall deeply in love with him..
If your guy really and truly loves you, he will call.
Mine still calls me everyday two and three times a day. Tells me he loves me before we hang up BUT he wants to smoke pot every now and then and I don't approve.
He has grandkids that love me dearly and so does his mom. You will cry many more tears too because I have. When you give your heart to one person and then they give it back to you then the pain is unbearable.
I just hope you will respond to me and maybe there is something that maybe we can do to help each other through our heart ache.
It feels like someone has ripped my heart out just like yours feels for you.
You take care now. At least you have kids at home to focus on. I am by myself and the 4 walls.
I will say prayers for you. bye for now.
If you care to respond I would love to try and help you through this mess that you are in.
Your situation is just alot like mine.. Me going to his house and him not coming much here.
My guy is a loner and quiet and I am not. I like to have friends and I love to talk.
There is no one else in his life is there?
I asked mine if there was and he said no.
Just wants to smoke pot every now and then and he knows that I don't approve of it at all.
well, I hope to hear from you.
I will help if I can.

This is such a painful time for you and your kids. That is a fact. It sounds like it is equally hard for your boyfriend. As hard as it may be to hear- he is probably making the right decision. Sounds like he needs to get himself-his life in some order. Sounds like maybe after he can get a grip so to speak- he may be back into your life.

I've learned over the past 6 years to look from the outside in at really tough situations. BELIEVE ME, it's not at all easy. But, I can promise that if you take an emotional step back, see the situation for what it is (growth, change, and powerful), you'll start to see the positive. You'll start to see that maybe you have to hurt to move forward in your life. This is most likely a great thing for you and your kids to grow through together. Yes, change is REALLY difficult, a love lost is even harder. But, your life will go on. Maybe around this corner is exactly what you have needed all your life. You will never know unless you embrace this time, feel the pain, accept it, and grow forward in your own self to make your life what YOU want it to be.
Cheesy, I know but Carry Underwood has a song that can sum this up. I can't remember the exact title but it is all about make a difficult choice in order to move on in life. Some of the lyrics: "Guess I'm gonna have to hurt. Guess I'm gonna have to cry and let go of some things I'd love to have on the otherside." "Sometime moving on with the rest of your life- starts with good bye"
My prayer to you is for strength and hope. There is DEFINATELY more for you AND your boyfriend. It might be together- it might not. Either way, you will survive. You will grow stronger. You will set an good example to your kids that people can grow and come out in a positive place after a tough situation. Continue to be a great Mom. You'll make it!!!!!!!

Thank God he is gone!!! You have no idea how lucky you are -- he could have hurt you and your children so much more. Please get some good counseling. Congratulations on the beginning of your new life!!!

One day at a time. Concentrate on yourself and your family. I also think there is more to this story, but I think this has more to do with him (he wants freedom) than you.

First may I say that I am sorry for all the things that are happening to you. I have been in relationships that ended also. Your guy seems to want to hold you at arms length but still wants YOU to be true to him. Any remarks about how much he loves you are probably true, but that is all they are. Remarks! Love is backed up by action and he is clearly not performing any "love actions" for you at this time. Texting is the cowards way to talk to you. If he calls you he has to talk to you and explain his actions or answer questions you may have. He can keep you at his beck and call with just a few simple text messages that make you feel like he wants you- but he has no obligation to do anything else for you. Listen to the other writers here,as painful as it is. Now is the time to move on. I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this rough time. I have been there myself and I remember the pain just like it was yesterday. God Bless You.

I am sorry for your pain. But it seems to be time for you to look clearly at your relationship with this man and make some choices for your own benefit. Just some thngs to think about--I can only respond to the info you've given.

Why must you wait until his son finishes high school to get married? How long will that be? Why did he break up with you over the phone, or didn't your relationship warrant a face-to-face conversation??? And why would he come to get his things while you were at a softball game, rather than while you were at home? Does he have a key to your house? Do you have one to his? Is it possible that you have been more committed to this relationship than he has?

Honestly, he sounds like someone who is unable to make stable choices and will not take a stand. I don't know about you, but I've never heard of a father sending his daughter away for negative behavior, that's usually the mom's position. Your boyfriend does not sound like the kind of man who has the ability to make decisions that involve considering the needs of others first.

How are his children doing with the shuffling back and forth between him and their mom? It sounds like he wants everything at his convenience and is not willing to make the sacrifices that parenthood requires. If he won't do that for his kids, his own flesh and blood, why would he do it for you?

Cut him off completely. Focus on yourself and your children. They are grieving and so are you. You must attend to your pain and to theirs for you all to come out of this all right.

Be kind to yourself, for if you are not, you won't require others to be.

Do you believe you deserve to love someone who stays committed to you despite all the challenges that come with life?
A worthwhile relationship involves a degree of self-sacrifice that it appears he is not willing to offer.
Take an honest look at the last 3 1/2 years & inventory the pros & cons of being involved with him. Be very honest! Although you have devoted years to him consider it a major lesson in what you truly want & need in a relationship.
You can come through this stronger & smarter & ready for the relationship of your dreams.

HA,
My heart goes out to you. You got plenty of good advice and I hope you are seeing the consensus - don't call him. No matter how much it hurts - do your best to keep your mind off him & when you can't, try to give yourself the space and time to listen to sad music and cry it out. You can do it. Be strong for your children and use this precious time to concentrate on yourself and the people that truly love you.
love,
J.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I will pray for you. The childred will be hurt but that is never a reason to stay together. it sounds like your ex boyfriend wants to do more with other women then give them a ride on the water craft. there will probably always be a part of you that will always love him and its hard to let go but look at This as the perfect time for you to- find out who you are. start a new hobby. get caught up on your reading or scrapbooking. go for a walk. bond with your children. go out with the girls. good luck!

I'm sorry for your situation and the pain you feel. I have felt that way myself, losing someone I really love. He is clearly not ready for the relationship now. He clearly does not want the relationship right now. I know that is painful, but it is better for you to face those facts. From my experience, I would not try to communicate with him. If he or you wants to reconnect in the future once he gets his feelings in order, trying to contact him now could be the wrong thing to do. Let him go. Focus on your life and your children's lives. Stay busy and connect with all your friends and family to help you stay sane through this rough part in the beginning. You may get back together with him some day, and you might not ever see him again. There is no way to know right now. After my divorce I was with a man who I thought was going to be my Mr. Right and we were to be married and live happily ever after. I was so sure he was the one. I loved him very much. He became flaky and started not calling, not e-mailing, not coming over, etc. I tried to save it, but he finally just told me he was interested in someone else. I hurt so bad and it seemed I would never get over it. Each day was a little better. One day I met the man who is now my husband and is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have been married 5 years and have 5 kids between us. I have never been happier in my life and we have the most awesome relationship that just keeps getting better and better. You never know what is in store for you, and this man you love may not be the one for you. Time will tell. You deserve the best, and if he is not it, then so be it.

Hi H A,
I know your pain. It's hard to pull yourself out of the picture & look at the situation with reason. From how you described your relationship, it really is for the best. It seems as if he never put you as a priority. You are a giver & he is a taker. Please do not pine over this guy or wait for him to change his mind & call you back. You need to move on & learn to put yourself first. I know it's hard when you are a Mom to do that, but it is essential for you to do this. I think you need to learn to be more independent & to not let anyone (especially a man) take advantage of your giving nature. Move on with your life & put this man in the past. You are too good for him. The sooner you realize that then the quicker you can heal. And whatever you do, DON'T TAKE HIM BACK.