My 7 year old daughter cries every single night in bed because she has this fear that she is going to lose me. She is terrified that I am either going to die or that she is going to get "stolen" by someone. She has this fear that we are going to go to sleep and I will just die in my sleep (which freaks me out a bit that she says that). She has had off and on emotional issues in the past similar to this one. This particular fear has been going on for about 2 months now. I thought maybe she was just manipulating me into staying in her room for a few extra mins but she isn't, because I catch her crying quietly even after I have left the room. We are not very religious but we do say prayers and believe in God and I have told her that she can always call on God to help her to not be afraid. Also I have told her that someday we will be in heaven together even if something bad did happen but that mommy is not going anywhere. It makes me feel so sad and has even gotten to the point that I feel guilty if I want to have a glass of wine with my husband on the weekends or skip exercising because I think "I need to treat my body perfectly because what if I DO die and leave her." It is a lot of pressure. I don't know how to comfort her and help her with these fears. We have never dealt with death in the family (knock on wood!) so I don't know where this is all coming from. Help!
ETA Maybe the issue comes from me telling them about my own dad dying when I was a child (he died in his sleep of a heart attack when I was 11) ??? But this was something I told them about a year ago so I don't know if she has just suddenly begun thinking of it?
Maybe go for a physical and take her with, so she can hear the doctor tell you that you are fine and healthy?
Hi,
Your daughter sounds very much like me as a child, and unfortunately, even as an adult, and a mom at times. I used to worry at night about the same thing, as well as getting sick myself...even a minor illness, like throwing up. I even find now that as an adult, down time is not good for me. The night time is obviously down time for children. Her fears are very real to her, and I know, being very anxious myself, that she probably always tries to control/and or worry about the uncontrollable. I really feel for her. This is the age it started for me and I believe started when my grandfather died. My mom used to act very nonchalant about my fears and would often brush off my concerns. Not because she was a bad mom by any means, but I think she was trying to make a small deal out of things so that I would too. Not the case with an anxious mind. Falls under anxiety/ocd. Constant and endless worrying. I am not saying this is all your daughter, yet this is me and it is so clear when i look back on it. I always assume the worst, even now. I see some of this in my son as well, yet he is not as verbal about it. Whenever he does mention something he is fearful of, I repeat it back to him to clarify that I have it right and then I ask how it makes him feel and very calmly tell him that I too had that fear or know of someone that did and that this is probability of it happening...so on and so forth. I then tell him that I am not concerned about it (depending on what it is) and why. He always seems to feel better if I am not concerned or I can tell him something relatable to put it in perspective. He is seven too. If you see that this continues or she is worrying in other areas too and it just doesn't feel like the "right" amount of worry, i think it would be helpful for her to talk to someone. Yes, also it may relate to what you've shared with her as a child, but it seems as though she may have a worrying piece already built in. Could totally be off though! Again...coming from an over thinker :)
Ah, yes, telling her about your Dad may well be what triggered her fear.
My son, from about age 6ish to, gosh, probably now (age 16) fears losing me. I am a single parent, and have been, of course, the most consistent person in his life.
He used to get nightmares about me leaving him - driving off in a car, getting separated in a crowd, etc. We would talk it through, and I would just re-assure, re-assure, that I was not planning on going anywhere.
Some of his fear extended from the fact that both of my parents are deceased - he knows that I lost my Mom at a young age, and my father passed when my son was about 2 1/2 - shortly after my Uncle, who was a fixture in my son's life from birth.
All of things conspired to make him more aware, therefore, more fearful of losing me.
At 16, I think he feels safe that I am not going to up and leave him in a crowd or just drive off - but he does still worry about my health and my mortality.
think that worry is normal for our children - we are their world in some ways - as they age, at least as mine has aged, and felt more self sufficient, the fear lessons. But, let us face it, we all dread losing parents.
Keep reassuring her that you are not going anywhere. Maybe talk about how you coped with the loose of your father - how his memory is always with you, etc. etc.
Re-assure, re-assure. What helped my son at about that age, was a photo of him and my Aunt with her name, address and phone number on it, that was framed and put in his room. That way, he felt he had a "back up" plan in case anything happened to me.
Kids are kind of blank slates so issues like this tend to be a reaction to something they have heard or experienced.
If I were you I would look at what you have been saying and doing just before she started worrying. If you can isolate what happened it is much easier to explain why she shouldn't worry.
Edit: looking at your last post about the spots on your son's tongue I have to wonder, do you always panic, are you always finding things to worry about. You are shaping the person your kids will become. I am very laid back, my kids are very laid back. If I would a worrier my kids would have been too.
Kids don't just out of the blue act this way. There has to be some underlying reason for her behavior. Something she heard, saw on TV, something her friends may be going through (an ill parent or grandparent). Take her out to the park or for ice cream, make a calm setting and gently introduce her angst and just ask her why she thinks this. She'll tell you. Use alot of hugs and reassurance while you discuss it.
Your ETA
Ah, then yes, this information has really stuck with her. Because this really did happen to you.
Maybe you can explain that it happened a long time ago. Today there are all sorts of medications, you are careful with what you eat. You are staying in shape.
You see the doctor who has told you , you are very healthy.
Just reassure her, it was different back when you were a child. We know a lot more about our bodies and you are making sure you will stay healthy..
If this continues for too much longer, i would consider a therapist see her for anxiety.. She needs to be able to sleep and to deal with this fear.. She is a child and sometimes having an authority other than our own parents is very convincing.
I had similar issues when I was that age. My family is not religious whatsoever however what I found comforting was the fact that my mom told me that no matter what she'd always be there for me. She told me that even though bad things happen and people can die that she is going to be around long after I'm grown and have children of my own. Now of course I realized once I was older that no one knows when their time is up but it still warmed my heart that yes while a lie my mom would affirm that she was not going anywhere.
Look for a book called "How to Help Your Anxious Child " (sorry I can't remember the author.) Lots of kids suffer from irrational worries, fears and phobias. This book helped me SO MUCH with my daughter, she has a fear of germs, getting sick and specifically, vomiting :(
My daughter eventually needed therapy, due to a traumatic illness. It affected her eating, schooling and social activities. But it sounds like you probably just need to read about some ways to help her at home, and this book would be perfect for you! Good luck!!!
Maybe letting her listen to music to fall asleep by would help distract her.
could be that the story about your dad really made an impact on your daughter...does your daughter seem to be anxious at any other times of the day...only at bed time?
