My 4 Year Old Daughter Is SCARED of EVERYTHING ALWAYS!

T.,

Have you tried a night light and soft music at night? It might help to calm her so she can sleep.

Hi T.,

We're going through a spooky spot with our very bold 4.5 yr old son right now too. Not quite to the extent you describe, but it's certainly a shift from his normal fearlessness. I have a hunch it's something developmental, because I'm seeing it in a few of his friends who are roughly the same age.

I let my son tell me what, exactly, he's thinking that makes him feel scared. (Because it is our THOUGHTS that scare us, not the things themselves. Think about it). Then I tell him it's alright to be afraid, everyone one gets scared sometimes. The important thing is not the being scared part, but going ahead and doing what you want ANYWAY. When he does do something that requires him to go through his fears, he is SO empowered he dances around like a little banchie!

Take the focus off the fear and put it on going through to the other side -- to things she loves.

I would also take a pretty honest look at how you and your husband handle fear. Do you tell your children to "be careful" when they are taking risks on the playground, etc? That's a really good way to instill self doubt that can grow into global fears. How do you deal with and talk about fear in your own daily life. Our children can only do what we model for them.

My husband and his family are some of the most fearful people I've ever encountered. They are constantly focusing on what can go wrong in any given situation and insisting everyone share their paranoia. It's been very eye opening and life changing for my husband to look at the legacy of fear and let go of it.

I highly recommend reading The Continuum Concept. It's been around about 35 years, but it's still as powerful and enlightening as it was when it was first published.

Blessings,

M.

I agree with everything Deb said! I too have a 4 year old daughter and she is the same way! She is very attached to me and always says she is scared about everything. I also have gone through a divorce this last year and I know that that has contributed to it a lot, but I also believe that it is a stage of that age group. Up till now they have really lived in a little fantasy world and still do sort of. At this age they start to identify reality. I learned about this when I went to my parenting class when I was getting divorced and they addressed this age group. So I totally agree with Deb. Explain the reality of things and don't give in to the fears. Show her how strong mommy is and definately don't allow your own fears and anxiety to be transfered to her. I sometimes just don't react to it and she seems to work things out on her own. I have an eight year old son and I really can't remember him doing this that much. For me I think it is a girl thing. She is very expressive and dramatic. She loves to sing and dance and play lots of make believe. So I think the "I'm scared" thing goes along with that type of personality and imagination. I don't know if your little girl is the same way, but hopefully this helps you to know that other moms are going through it all too. We also have bed time issues and that is a real tough one to get through. I totally know where you at! I gave her a little plastic star that glows in the dark and that symbolizes mommy always watching over her. It seems to help a lot and makes her feel safe. The star came from a little saying that we all say to each other "we love each other more than all the stars in the sky". So you might want to try something like that. Something that means something to the both of you that she can keep with her. Be creative. As far as the dog thing, has anything ever happened with a dog? We have three dogs (2 big labs) and neither of my kids have ever had any fear of dogs especially our own. They are actually like having five kids :) I hope some of this helps. Being a mom is the toughest job in the world and every day and experience is a new journey as well as a learning experience for us too. Feeling like we can't help our children is one of the worst feelings in the world because as moms we always want to fix everything. Just know you are helping her with everything that you do and sometimes don't do. They are just trying to figure out the world around them and with our help they will get through all the growing pains. Good luck to you and hang in there!

It is normal at this age to figure out the world around them isn't in their control and there are things that can hurt them.
For shadows, show her when the light goes on the shadows disappear. Get a book on shadows and what they are and why they are there. A dark room will provide no shadows but feel more scary to her. Even with a nightlight it casts off more shadows. Point out to her what every shadow is, like a tree outside, her furniture in her room, even her own shadow, teach her to make shadow puppets.
Empower her by educating her on everything she is afraid of.
For instance, my daughter went through this crazy weather fear, tornados, hurricanes, lightening and so forth. I got her some books about weather and we read about it and she began to understand it. First being we don't have hurricanes in Colorado. We learned why weather happens, what to look for and so on.
She then became scared to try anything new, I blame myself because we live such a structured life (being divorced and doing it solo I thought that was good), however I learned our way of doing things was esculating her fears. I learned to go off the beaten path a little and encourage all of us to try new things. Now she feels so empowered and such a big girl as she has tried some new things I would have never thought she would have. It takes time, patience and to make sure you aren't passing on any anxieties on things or anyone around her isn't. My daughter is still almost 7 and afraid of things that sometimes I have no idea where it comes from. I try to make sure my own personal anxieties and worries don't flow onto her.
Telling her it is great not to talk to someone she doesn't know but when someone she knows speaks to her it is bad manners not to respond.
Telling her that some dogs do bite, but if you are afraid of them that scares the dog and they are more likely to bite. Teaching her how to approach a dog, how to treat a dog is huge. Her being ultra afraid unfortunately can even have the family dog snap. Fear is a huge reason dogs bite.
Getting books about dogs, bugs, strangers and so on. Reading to her and educating her is the best thing you can do. Be sympathetic but also don't enable her fears either. Gently remind her your job is to keep her safe and her worrying only makes things seem worse for her. Telling her your the mommy and you wouldn't put her in a position of getting hurt if you can help it.

Might I add, when my daughters fears popped up, I was going through a divorce. Not saying this is what is going on with your daughter, but when I took her to therapy one of the things came up were when children are stressed or worried about something they put it out there as fears of other things. Being afraid sometimes is their way to feel in control over things in their life. Make sense? Because they cannot articulate what is going on with them they put it out there in a manner they can explain. So see if anything is going on in her life that could be upsetting her,even a change of things in the home, anything.

Is is possible that this "scaredy-cat" routine is simply her vying for your attention? She was just a little over two yrs. old when your second child was born. I know it sounds simplistic, however, these little children understand more than we give them credit for understanding. I completely understand how difficult it is to give each child undivided attention...especially if you are a stay at home mom and the baby gets the majority of attention at times.

I would recommend that you re-assure her in every situation. It' may take awhile; however, don't let up until she feels more comfortable. She's developing a mis-trust of family. Example: The dog. The dog is part of your family. The dog will always be in the house. Show her how much you love the dog, talk to the dog, etc. etc. Ask her "What is it about "tippy" that scares you?" She might not be able to tell you...it is very possible that when she was smaller..the dog may have snarled at her or switched it's tail and knocked her over or something that happened with the dog that you did not witness. Things only take a second to occur and it could have impacted her. Growing up, our Aunt & Uncle had a little dog and that thing was very snippy and barked and snarled and dang..we were ALL scared of that little dog..even in high school. Well...now I know...animals can sense that fear..and they get control by barking/snipping and such. In those situations, you must let the pet-owner know that your daughter is uncomfortable around small dogs and ask them to help you reassure her (according to what the pet owner agreess to) about their pet. "Dolly, "Tippy" won't hurt you, she's just telling you that you are a stranger to her and she's barking because she doesn't know you. Would you like to meet tippy and let her smell you so she knows you are a friend of our family?" Let your daughter decide if she wants to do that. If not..then the pet owner can just say. "It's okay if you don't want to pet tippy today. Maybe someday you'll want to. She's really a sweet little dog and she likes to lick my face...it's how she kisses me." or someother verbal and demonstrative example of how this little dog is not going to hurt her.

Children 0-4 years old have no reasoning capacity..things just happen and they start to form their beliefs (her fear). So it's important that Mom and Dad responde to events appropriately. If for example a small child spills milk and Grandpa scolds the child for spilling milk..how many times to you think it will take for Grandpa to scold child before child is 1) scared of grandpa and 2) won't ask for milk because they are so afraid they'll spill the milk.

So maybe it will take you or Dad taking more time at night to actually read a book or settle into her room and talk with her about the darkness and the shadows, etc. I would also purchase a night light - so it's not so dark. There's no reason to keep the child in the dark IF the child would feel more comfortable with a bit of light. You can also make a game of the night light and while you are laying in the bed w/child, have Dad do puppet shadows on the wall and show her how cool light and dark are...without dark...and a little light, no shadows can exist. It's pretty simple to make a bunny rabbit with your hand. You can also show her that depending on how far away or close to the light determines the size of bunny on the wall. Play with her...have fun with teaching her that she is loved, and safe, and that she's special. I suspect that if you keep reaffirming with her how safe she is..she'll get over her fears.

oh..and being scared to talk to people. What does that mean? Are you referring to playmates during play? Older Adults? Family members? I was one of those children who were told "Speak only when spoken to." and children are only to be seen and not heard." With all that's going on today in society, we all tell our children to "Don't talk to strangers."

Hope this helps.

Have you considered getting some energy work for her - perhaps a soul retrieval. It may sound "out there" but I have had amazing success with my own daughter and other children. If you are interested you can call me at ###-###-####

T.,
First I would get her eyes checked. If she's not seeing things correctly for example the dog or a shadow may just look like blurry monsters to her.
Once you do that and if she is still acting afraid, then I'd say she is probably just extremely sensitive. For example, If a person is depessed or nervous your daughter may be picking that up. If your feeling stressed, she's probably feeling it too. If your dog is feeling anxious, she's probably feeling that too. As for shadows at night, if she's sensitive she's probably picking up on tons of peoples emotions and if a shadow looks like a person she could be thinking its coming from the shadow. I know it sounds weird but kids who are overly sensitive and are picking up people's emotions start getting those emotions confussed. Or not understanding what they are feeling, so in her case she is acting afraid and is afraid. All you can do then is start talking to her as if she was a little adult, ask her what she's scared of, then explain the fear. If she don't know what she is scared of you may have to calmly ask questions to get to the answer. It can be very time consuming but in the end if you find out whats scaring her, you can then work on how not to make her so afraid. She is just not understanding the world around her and all the emotions that she is picking up on, it's scary and she's letting you know she's scared.
Good Luck
E.

I know that with adults, behavior modification therapy works really well when the topic is "fears". Perhaps you would be willing to look into a similar type of treatment for your daughter.

I would point out, though, that if she didn't used to be this way, and then her behavior changed, the doctor will quiz you about a "trigger event" which could have caused a change in the way she views the world, for example, a death, a divorce, parents worrying/arguing out loud about money or health, an illness, changing households, etc.

Plus, is she close to age five? Children go through a HUGE transition around the time they turn five, and it has a lot to do with an enhanced awareness of their abilities, new things that will happen around that age (school, learning to read & ride a bike, etc.), and fear that they won't be good enough to do those "big kid" things.

Good luck!

Being scared is a stage two year olds go through. I guess it could be for four year olds too (mine just turned four). I know at four there is suddenly a brain switch that allows them to make-believe- play. This is wonderful other then it can get confussed with reality sometimes. this usually results in tattling and making up stories like: Mom hits me, I have a (make-believe) friend, there is a ghost in the attic, etc. I don't have experience with being scared though to this degree. I would watch it, talk in depth with her about reality. Do you talk about cause and effect, cycle of life, etc? It might be time to start..go slow. Explain ovare and over how things work. Get early scince books...like on dogs and how they are born and grow up. give her real information in which to reason abot what is making her scared. let her sleep with the light on for a while. Then if this is not working out, go see a family cancellor together. there maybe soemthing else going on. There is even a possibility that she is psycic. I know this sounds far fetched for some, but watch Psycic Kids (I think that is the title) on A&E. the show shares about kids who actually do see dead people, the future etc. these people go in to see if there is any basis for the claim and help the family work through how to deal with it. Just a thought..you never know.

T.,
I know so well what you are going through. My 6yr. old daughter quit talking to people at 3yrs. old. She is very fearful of pretty much everything. She is seeing a councelor to help her deal with these issues. My pediatrician told me, "when the anxiety gets so bad that they can no longer enjoy their childhood then it is time to get them some help." It has been a long road but we have made some progress. Check out selectivemutism.com. It is very interesting and it will help you understand childhood anxiety better. Good luck. J.

Oh, although you are posting because you are concerned about your daughter, I have to tell you that it was relieving to read. Our daughter (4 1/2) recently became scared of bees, ants, sports (because she thinks she'll fall and get hurt), dogs, and monsters. Arrrggg! It's making us crazy and impatient. But we just keep talking about it positively, hoping that it is a phase. I thought it may help you to know that another little girl your daughter's age is doing the EXACT same thing. Next month it'll be something different!!

Maybe she has a anxiety disorder. If you can't help her, get a therapist who specializes in children with anxiety. It helped my daughter!

Have you had her eyesight checked? I have a friend who had similar issues with her son and it turned out he needed strong glasses, he was terrified because he couldn't tell what anything was. Once he got glasses he was a very different child.

best of luck.

I know I'm late in responding, but I'd recommend taking her to a child therapist. This amount of fear indicates something deeper is going on than just wanting attention. Perhaps a therapist can assist her in finding solutions whether they're medical, physical, emotional or otherwise.

Talk to her and teach it's ok to be afraid but we need to learn to overcome our fears. You might be able to help by having camp outs in her room or outside, find out why she's afraid and reason with her, have her approach the dogs a little at a time, so forth

T.,

It sounds to me like your little girl needs a lot of love and assurance. I have friends that do a technique called EFT.
It assists in changing an emotionally charged issue (Phobia, Habits, etc.) I am not sure it would work on a 4-year-old, but it might be worth a try.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC