My Daughter Is Scared - San Jose,CA

I totally agree with the night lights and the "monster spray". It works for us. I carry a lavender "monster spray" at my shop, Opal'z in Palo Alto.

I have an anxious daughter too. The techniques in the book What to Do When You Worry Too Much have really helped her change dramatically. Now she bosses her "worry bully" around and reminds herself that "worry is a lie." The book's techniques are cognitive behavioral therapy, which I like because it focuses on solutions rather than causes of the problem (I think it's really hard for kids to articulate "why" they feel scared). My daughter is much more confident and feels in control of her worry now. I've actually adopted some of her techniques myself!

I think it's worth it to try the book before a counselor. It's cheaper and easier for your family and could work just as well or better than counseling. I speak with some authority here--I am trained as a counselor with Master's in Psychology.

Cheers,
J.

Could be she has developed a fear of the dark. My youngest did the same thing. I bought night lights for the bathroom, hall way and his bedroom and they were the kind that went on as soon as the room was dark (which occurred in the daytime as well in the case of the bathroom). I bought a lavendar spray (whole foods) that I'd spray in his room and around the bed at night. It was very light and dissipated quickly, but it was our magical mist that the monsters didn't like.

Counselor might be a good idea, but perhaps not necessary. Someone had a similar question once, and there were some good ideas from the other moms.

Have you asked her what, exactly, she's afraid of? That should be your first step. She needs to say these things out loud. In terms of monsters in the bedroom, one mom had a cute idea about having monster-fighting rituals. I can't exactly remember how she did it, but maybe you can find it in the archives.

I would get her to try to discuss what she is afraid of.

I notice you have some people saying yes to the counselor and some saying no... Remember this.. you are her first teacher, counselor... etc. The first thing you do is what others have suggested regarding trying to find out what it is that is causing the problem. Asking her may not totally work, but do ask. Be alert to how she is playing when she is by herself. You may hear her talking to her dolls or other toys in ways that will give you clues. If you do, don't mention it to her, because that will embarass her and she'll not be as likely to continue acting out her fears in her play. Just take your clues and figure out how to use them. I like the ideas about "monster spray" shooing or sweeping the 'monster' or whatever out of the room. Night lights may help if the dark is the problem. If you are people of faith, by all means help her to pray for God to help her through her fears. Also think carefully about what may have been going on in your lives recently that could be contributing to these fears... it could be a family situation, something happening at school (talk to her teacher and others at the school about this too), what she's seeing on TV... any number of things could contribute. Lastly, in my experience, this seems to be an age where kids tend to get some seemingly irrational fears. I think you should be able to get her through them without a counselor, but if these suggestions don't work, by all means consider seeking outside help.

My daughter went through this, and I indulged it by going to the bathroom with her and into her room with her. My impression was that she wanted attention, and I gave her attention. She didn't seem genuinely terrified. I continued to reassure her that there were no monsters. This behavior coincided with a number of changes in our life. She is over it now. I don't think it requires a psychologist, unless you see other concerning signs, or maybe if her fear seems really severe.

I would not take her to a counselor. What she is experiencing should pass.I remember taking a running leap to get into my bed during a certain time period as a kid, thinking a boogyman arm might come out and grab my leg! Or that the shadows on my wall from the trees weer spooky monsters! Children have huge imaginations.
Let her know that the Lord watches over her, and sends guardian angels concerning her in all her ways (read this to her from your Bible, or from online sites on angels )Psalm 91:11, Mat. 18;10, Acts 12:15, and 5:17-20, Heb 1;14. Find a beautiful large color poster of a guardian angel to hang in her room. find a guardian angel nightlight for the bathroom. praying with children is a huge comfort for them. Children are already closer to God than we are. Help her to tap into this.

Getting rid of cable tv and prescreening her movies would not hurt either.

ps- my 12 yr old daughter will not let me put percelain dolls in her room because she thinks they are "looking" at her and she imagines they might start moving their mouth.They are just too realisitic for her. She has been this way about those dolls since she was about your daughters age. So, I just don't put those dolls in her room. Problem solved. I'm confident she will grow out of it. Its a mental maturity thing. And that is something that no one can hurry along. Just time....time that it takes, in essence, to grow up.

Hi Emily, my 9 year old has suddenly become scared to go to bed at night. Did you find anything out that has helped your daughter? My daughter says her heart starts to race and that she cannot get to sleep. If I stay in her room with her she gets dozy but then she wakes up again in a panic once I leave.

Yo can take this little piece of advice however you wish, but my suggestion is that your daughter might be sensitive to the energy around her. Children when young can pick up on things we adults don't ever see or think about. My girlfirned when she lived in a townhouse with her small children had an experience with one corner of the kitchen, plants would not grow there, her son told her it was "not a nice corner", and the cat would run from the kitchen to the living room as if to avoid the corner. A friend of hers suggested to pray over that small area and put up lights or light candles in that spot. She humored herself and did it. Well 3 months later the tenants on the other side of the townhouse (one shared wall) moved out leaving behind a mess for the Realtor to deal with, as it turns out the very corner of the old tenants wall was painted black, it was designed almost as if it were some strange voodoo/satanic worship spot and the rest of the townhouse was not taken care of. My girlfriend immediately felt a change and the strange effects from that corner were gone. This is just my off the wall advice, but consider your child may be aware of bad energy. I would take a few moments to simply clear the air with a heart full of love as you bless each corner of your home. What could it hurt?

Hi Emily,

Definitely take her to a counselor. At 7 she should be able to tell you WHY she is scared and if you can't get her to tell you, you need to take her to someone who can get it out of her. Now is the time to do it. If she has a disorder that needs medication and/or therapy, early intervention is the best way to make sure that it doesn't take over her (and your) lives. Don't get scared about the "what if"s, just do what you have to do and keep loving her just the way you always have been.

T.

You may want to talk to the school counselor. She may be able to give you ideas that will help. I'll also tell you a little bit about a similar problem we had. It was just isolated to the bathroom at school but I hope it helps.

My daughter (6) was afraid of the girls bathroom at school. This came about because of a practical joke the older kids played on them, telling them a ghost was in the bathroom. Paint and footprints reinforced this. The girls in her class seemed to have a very strong reaction. My daughter didn't initially but wouldn't use her bathroom at home that night, then seemed fine for a few months.

The fear started up again and just seemed so strong. We talked about what the teacher and principal had said to ask about situations like this, "Is it True, Is it Kind, Is it Necessary". This worked for many of the kids. They also played detective and figured out how the paint got in the bathroom, etc.... These can help a lot of kids.

For my daughter what finally seemed to work was, first I never discounted her fear. She new it wasn't real so restating that over and over again didn't help. What I finally did was say, We know this story isn't true, right? Do you want to make up your own happy fun story? We decided the green paint was because there was a lost leprechaun who was a bit early for St. Patrick's Day. I punched out green hearts and stars she could leave in the bathroom for the leprechaun. Then if anyone happened to ask or comment on them she could tell them the fun happy story.

I also went with her to school a little early and stood outside the bathroom. The first day she had to go in and test the nobs of the sinks to make sure they were all off and leave a heart or star in the batrhoom. The next day she washed her hands, the next week each day she went into the stall and then washed hands. She worked up to actually using the bathroom. I praised her each time she did and let her know I knew it was hard and she was doing a good job overcoming something that was scary. Once we started this she got over it pretty quickly compared to how long it had been going on. before she had started wetting her pants or saying she did near the end of the school day so I would go to the school and help her in the health office that has a bathroom.

Anyway, All the best to you! T.

Hi I know this seems far fetched-but is your house haunted? you on't seem to mention whether she is scared elsewhere-I have lived in some old houses that definately had other energies-is your house old? did someone die there or is it near a burial ground?-no I'm, not crazy- just sensitive

Emily,

Yes, you should take her to a counselor. It is affecting her everyday life and you need to find out what is scaring her and how to help her cope. Good luck~

Molly

Has it always been this way or just recently?

Okay, this is weird maybe but is she seeing spirits? Have you tried talking to her to find out why she is scared? Kids are sometimes more sensitive to spirits than adults. Maybe she doesn't understand why she is scared.

Has there been anything that has occurred recently that may have caused this worry? Your daughter may have anxiety which leads to needless worry. My son has anxiety and the smallest things cause him to worry like you wouldn't believe. He saw a scary movie and it bothered him for months. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and I would advise seeing a therapist if things don't change for her. The worse thing to do is hope it goes away and it just gets worse. Children don't know how to sort out their feelings on their own as we all know. Good luck!

I read a great article about a child being scared to go to sleep in their room scenario and what this mother did worked and one I am saving should it happen to my daughter.

She had her son move back to his room in stages. For four nights he slept in a sleeping bag next to her bed, then four at the foot of the bed and then four next to the door and then four in the hallway. She was going to take the next step to put him next to his room but not in it and he said to her - "M., I am ready to sleep in my room now."

I would try that before committing to counseling. Finding a good child counselor is one in a million and it gave me the impression that there was something wrong with me when there wasn't. Just overly fearful parents.

Hello Emily: When our daughter was young we moved alot (we were military), and she became scared of her room. We learned a trick that helped all of us. We took her fears seriously and didn't tell her there was nothing wrong because there really was to her. We took everything out of the room, cleaned it all painted if we needed to and we let her pick out one time only new pictures and curtains and esp lights for the room. I really liked the tiny christmas lights the best because we got them in colors. I know it seems like alot of work but in the long run it paid off and she would sleep in her room. Sometimes I have found with our 5 children just rearranging the room made it more comfortable for them. Have you got a way to play gentle music at night for your little one? We started playing bedtime music an hour before bedtime so they got geared down and relaxed for bed.
I wish you well with this part of the adventure of parenthood; Nana Glenda

My daughter has always been scared of costumes and is 8 1/2 and still scared...but getting better. When we moved into our new home she was scared to be alone, but it faded over a few months and now she is fine. Occassionally if she hears others talking about scary things, she may follow me from room to room for a day, but then it will subside. I don't get angry with her, just try to stay calm and understand from many adults they had these problems when they were younger and eventually grew out of them. I am not so sure counseling is necessary, some kids just seem to more fearful than others. Good luck.

I think that this is all normal. My daughter is eight 1/2 years old and she has gone through this off and on. I think sometimes it is just a natural instinct to feel afraid or it maybe even be something she saw on t.v. that brought on her fear. I would suggest that you re-assure her that there is nothing there. I found that soon my daughter had the courage and confidence to go by herself. Add some night lights throughout the house also. Good Luck!

Have you asked her why she's scared? I remember feeling scared/creeped out a lot at around that age, mostly due to my imagination and not having anyone to talk to about it. Bathrooms were especially scary (cold, austere, and I was afraid of falling in or getting sucked into the hole in the toilet) and the only reason I could sleep in bed by myself at night is that I took comfort that my little brother was sleeping in the room across the hall (we used to talk instead of sleep until eventually our folks would tell us to end it). I don't think these fears were particularly odd or anything, and I'm no longer afraid of the bathroom or scared to sleep alone.

I guess I would agree with the counselor suggestion if you aren't able to communicate with her about her fears/anxiety. I remember wishing that I had someone to talk to when I was that age!

My daughter had night terrors so we took her to a child Pshchologist and it helped. It was just that she put so much pressure on herself that she freaked out so by all means take her in. Someone at school could be picking on her or something like that.

I bought my daughter dream catchers and other "magical" items and told her the stories about them. That seemed to help her. Best of luck! C.

A lot of the things I would suggest are already covered regarding the monster spray and re-decorating her room. This really worked for my son. Also, once we re-decorated his room he would stay in the room and fall asleep and come into our room at about 3am and then it got later and later and eventually he could stay all night. Also, she should be able to stay in once in a while if she has a friend spend the night and if you need to, turn the Television on and keep it on until they fall asleep. (I know that sounds bad but it comforts them, they are not really even watching it) Another idea is to take her to a religious store and pick out a special item to guard her. Last but not least we finally got a dog. This dog follows my son everywhere and he feels much better. Good luck and God bless.

I have a 7 year old also and she has always been scared. She won't go to the bedroom wing of the house alone, or outside or to the bathroom.... It is getting better now and she is sometimes willing to do those things alone. I have a friend with a 7-year old girl who has also always been scared.

Why don't you go talk to a counselor yourself and find out? We did end up taking her to a counselor and it was helpful.

Taking her to a counselor is a good idea. If this is totally new behavior I would also sit down with her and ask her if there is anything bad that has happened to her recently that is making her feel scared.

Take care,
M.