D.B.
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Charlotte
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Our 4 year old (turned 4 in June) loves and adores her dad. He does a lot of hands on parenting ,makes lunches and snacks. We co parent.
But when they have things for parents to join in she tells him go away, or says no I want mommy. They had daddy daughter day at her school the other dads went to chapel with their kids but she stood with her arms crossed saying for him to go home. She said I want you and mom that time. She did it at her gym class today and all she would say is no I want mommy. I talked to her on the phone and she was pleading for me to come there. I said no I can't, and daddy is there with you and for her to let dad go in with her but she kept asking me to come.
When she got home I told her a lot of dads can't spend time with their kids like her daddy and she made him feel unloved she said no I do love my daddy. She is as comfortable with him in almost any other situation as she is with me.
She is so comfortable with him that it catches him off guard and really hurts his feelings. I've talked to her about treating people the way you want to be treated and making sure she's good to dad. When we are both their she will cling to me when it's time for parents to join in. Shes very self confident normally so I'm not sure whats making her so nervous.
Thanks so much for the help and advice.
It helps soooo much!
So far here is what happened. I had talked to her last night.
Then we wrote Santa about it and here is what he " wrote"back.
I told he wrote her back and she said oh no I said no its not bad. When I read her the letter she was shaking her head in agreement and when I read the shyness part she said yes nodding.
I know hubby just needs to not take it personal. He saw how happy she was after the "email" from Santa and he was happy about it I think it made him understand a bit more where she is coming from.
Dear Ali,
I'm glad to hear your being such a good girl. I know you try very hard to make good choices and I'm so proud of you! You are doing so good in school and I hear your almost always on green!
You and your momma cleaned your dads office that is outstanding and wonderful!
I understand your Mom and dad are a bit upset with you for telling your dad you don't want him to go into places like little gym with you or chapel.
I know as sweet and kind hearted as you are that it is not out of meanness or anger you are doing that. I'm sure you are not wanting to hurt your dads feelings. Maybe your feeling a little shy and that makes you feel like you want your momma.
That is ok to want your mom but sometimes your mom isn't there and thats ok to. Your dad is there to take care of you. Don't worry about being shy just grab your dads hand and say come on dad lets have fun. Just try to have fun and pretend it's just like you and your dad playing at your home. If you really feel so shy you can't do then make sure you tell your dad in a way that is nice. Just say Dad I'm glad your here with me but I am feeling to shy to go in right now can we just sit and watch?
Your Mom and Dad love you no matter what and they will always be your mommy and daddy. But sometimes they feel sad or hurt or shy to so they will understand if you tell them.
You keep being a good girl and doing your best.
Love Santa
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Step back. Daddy is there you are not, he gets to do whatever the class or other parents are doing.
My kids had a mommy does it time and a daddy only time. They grow out of it.
She will appreciate daddy when she is 13 and you and she start butting heads. Then he will be writing "Daughter says she loves mommy but I can't take the fighting".
Don't buy into her little game.
daddy is apperently the disciplinarian and she is rebelling against him. she doesn't love him because he makes her mind but on the other hand she really loves him. tell him not to take it to heart because this will happen again at 11 or 12. mommy is the one who takes care of her when she is sick. mommy is the one who feeds her and mommy makes her feel secure. I was always daddys girl but went through phases " i hated him " when I was a kid.but he was the stricter parent. if he rides the storm and doesn't take it to heart when she turns about 7or so he will be it and you wont be so much. and then about 11 or 12 she will hate both of you. {not really though}. my son went through a I hate you phase when he was about 11 or 12 and hated daddy when he was younger too. because daddy made him mind. at 11 or 12 it was directed at me not him. but I was a single mom so who else you going to hate I was his only disciplinarian so to speak.
she will probably go through an I hate you phase at about 15 and 17 too. because they are trying to spread their wings and you have to keep them in check. its probably when she doesn't get her way with him. but now my son is 21 and we are very very close. he tells me almost everything. we are super close but he hated me growing up. :) he is doing her a favor by making her hate him now cause she will respect the tar out of him when she is older. this too shall pass and tell daddy she really does love him. but at that age they just want mommy. mommy fixes everything. he might try spending unpressured one on one time with her. when he goes to the store invite her. at first he will probably get a no answer. if they are out running errands have him stop and get unexpected ice cream. daddys always have a diffrent relationship with the kids than mom. the kids expect it even though they can't say it. they expect him to be the "tough guy" like my daddy is tougher than yours. they expect him to be a protective tough. and mommy to be the I am sick and need you tough.
mine is 21 idols his dad and is closer to me than his dad. the reason why is I was a single parent so I was his safety net. mommys are nurturing and daddys are tough. period. that is the way its supposed to be in their eyes. yes it hurts daddys feelings cause he loves her so much but at this point in her life you are her stability and I promise it will change and when it does you may get your feelings hurt. this should pass just like the terrible 2s.
Check out YokaReeder- she always helps me.
best, k
Four year olds are extremely dramatic like things are the end of the world! Get a book called Your 4 Year Old by Louise Ames Bates. This too shall pass, ignore it. She knows she can pull you in this way. It's all about control.
To me it just sounds like a phase she is going through...my now 10 year old went through that with my husband as well and I believe she was around the same age.
My husband had to back off a little to help her see that having him there instead of no one was a good thing. Maybe even explaining it to her would work.
Many blessings!
Both my kids have "fads" where they prefer one to the other. It hurts, but you have to realize that it isn't personal. At that age, I firmly believe that they are trying it to see what happens. We "ignore" it two ways. If the unwanted one is the only parent available, well, it doesn't matter what the little one does, they get taken care of by that parent. If the "wanted" parent is there, that parent just automatically takes care of the little one.
It passes. The one thing we REALLY try to avoid is reacting to tantrums. If dad tries to put the little one in the high chair and the little one has a fit, we don't let the fit change the plan. Most of time we don't, lol! Of course, sometimes you just need to get stuff done.
But the less you react, the less attention they get from this "crisis," the sooner it goes away. I would try not to let her call you--if she's at gym with dad, she does it with him or not at all.
It does not reflect your daughter's real feelings for her dad, obviously!
