Am I Pushing My Daughter Away, Is It Really a Phase .......

She sounds pretty normal to me. I know it is hard for you. She might
be feeling the stress that has been placed on you. Be patient and do
not take it personally. Little girls go thru periods that they are so in
love with their daddy. This too shall pass. Good luck.

Oh, sweetie, don't be ashamed of being hurt by this! I am so sad for you. Even if you didn't have all the other family stresses going on, it would be normal to have your feelings hurt by this. And no, you shouldn't yell, but don't beat yourself up about that, most moms slip up and yell or say things they regret from time to time. Kids are frustrating and try your patience. That is thier job to push your buttons. If there is a mom out there who has never yelled or gotten snarky or something, I'd love some pointers on how to be that way!

I don't have children this age, but from what I have read and heard from other moms it does sound pretty normal. Just like it is normal for it to hurt your feelings. I don't have much advice to give, other than to tell you to keep trying like you are trying and don't give up on her, and don't feel bad about having your feelings. Are you seeking help for your depression and stress issues? You really should. This is a lot for any one person to handle.

My only thoughts on how to deal with your daughter's behavior is to say that when Dad is home, he needs to be the equal disciplinarian. I am sure that when he is home he does not want his time to be spent disciplining your child, (I wouldn't!) but she needs to see that you are on the same page about her behavior. He can't always be the good guy, it isn't fair to anyone. So if that is what is going on, I would work on that. It may not solve the problem, but it certainly can't hurt. I hope you get some good advice, and I am sure this will pass in time. (((hugs)))

It's just an independent phase combined with a daddy phase. It'll probably last a few months, then you'll have some lovin, and then it will return with a vengance. It'll cycle for about a year. Actually you're lucky she's willing to be with anyone at all... many kids in independent phases won't accept *anyone*. Oy.

The good news? The harder she pulls away, the faster and stronger she'll come running back

I do it MYSELF!!! Go Away!!! I HATE you mommy!!! Nooooooooo! I want da--aaaaaddy! I love nana more than I love YOU!

Any of these phrases sound familiar? How about the evil - death - glare? The full body tantrums?

The first Big-Bad-Independence phase usually hits at either age 2 or age 3. Combing independence seeking with no impulse control, and completely undeveloped integration of the mental and emotional creates the phrase "terrible 2's" or "terrible 3's". Developmentally necessary, but very very hard on US.

Your daughter is expressing her independence with you. This is a normal phase. She doesn't have to do that with her father because he's not around very often. The fact that she seems to be overdoing this independent phase is probably related to how much she actually does love you. If she didn't love you she wouldn't have to tell you that she doesn't love you.

Of course it hurts! It most likely hurts you more than you'd expect because you're dealing with some very heavy relationship issues. You are facing the possible loss of three other extremely important people in your life. Even tho they are alive they are not the same healthy people you've grown up with. When your daughter pushes you away that's a fourth loss.

Also remember that your daughter is facing loss too. Even if you haven't told her about the illnesses she knows something is different. And having her dad gone most of the time is also a loss. Her bringing things for him could be indicative of her effort to hold onto him. And her not bringing things for you could be indicative that she's letting go of you because you might get sick and go away too. She needs lots of reassurance of your love and knowledge that you will always take care of her.

I adopted my daughter as a special needs child and know from my experience that I felt more hurt from her saying, "I hate you" than I do now when my grandchildren say that. Intellectually I know that I'm just as much her mother as if I'd given birth but there is a part of me buried inside that feels insecure. I also know that there is a large part of my daughter that feels insecure. It's like I chose her. I can unchoose her. I don't know if your daughter knows she's adopted or if a preschooler would be aware enough to even feel that unconsciously. My school age daughter was not consciously aware but our therapists said she had the sense buried deep inside that I wasn't her "real" mother. (I do hate the term "real" mother.) I was aware of feeling at times, especially when she was saying, "I hate YOU, over and over, that my own sense of rejection was over the top. She brought things home from school for her birth mother. That hurt. I don't know if that applies to you at all.

My grandchildren, who are now 6 and 9, still say that they hate me every once in awhile. In counseling I learned that what is most often happening, at that age anyway, (that is the same age that my daughter came to live with me) is that they're unhappy about something and it just feels right to them to project that unhappiness on me. They don't actually mean that they hate me. They mean that they're having a "bad day" and don't want to talk about it.

I learned with my daughter and am now doing the same with my grandchildren to say, "oh, that's too bad. I still love you." Or I act as if I didn't hear what they said. Or I say, "oh, that's too bad." and nothing more. I never make their words into a big deal. With my daughter I had to learn how to stop showing her my pain most of the time. I did this by giving myself pep talks at times when I was away from her as well as the times she said the words. Remind yourself that this is a phase, that you know she loves you even tho it doesn't feel like she loves you.

The next thing I did was focus more energy on myself and doing things that helped me feel better. I was in counseling which helped tremendously. I recommend that for you. You have really unhappy things happening in your life that are bringing you down. And you don't have your husband's consistent presence to help deal with any of it. I also began taking an anti-depressant which I continue to take off and on. I was raised by a chronically depressed mother which makes me prone to depression.
Depression makes it very difficult to deal with your daughter. You need someone telling you that they love you and giving you hugs.

You could try talking with your daughter, when you are both calm and getting along, telling her that you're feeling very sad and need hugs. Most of all tell her that you love her even when she says she doesn't love you. Ask for her help in making home happier.

Then work very hard at not responding to her when she says hateful things or brings home something for her father. Be very matter of fact. If you can smile and respond with "I love you anyway. You can never make me not love you." Exclaim over that paper for her dad. Tell her he'll love it. That sort of thing. Put it some place special for dad. By doing that you're making yourself a part of the "gift.:

Play the part of the unflappable adult until you are the unflappable adult. She needs to know that she can't hurt you with words that she says every day. That gives her too much power. Being able to control your emotions is frightening to her and probably causes her to be even less loving.

She already knows by now that her words and actions hurt you so you can stop telling her. Find a way to stop most of the hurt. When you're not feeling hurt tell her that her words do hurt. Provide a consequence when she's disrespectful. But remember expressing a feeling with words is not disrespect even when it hurts.

It'll be difficult but when she gets angry when you try to tell her something or to help her back off. Say something to the effect, "I think you're angry. I can't help you when you're angry." If you're trying to help her do something that she needs to do, such as brushing her teeth, eating breakfast, going to bed, repeat that you still expect her to finish and then leave the room. If she's getting ready for bed, leave the room after telling her to call for you when she wants some help or when she's ready for a story or whatever the next step is. If she doesn't get ready for bed give her a consequence.

If you haven't already, tell her what the consequences are for misbehavior. Again it's a consequence for not doing what you've asked her to do. It's not a consequence for expressing her feelings in words. If the words include swearing and you don't allow swearing in your house (which means you also don't swear) then provide a consequence for that. Be as specific as you can. You'll get better at it.

Have someone with whom you can express your feelings. At this point the goal with your daughter is to help her be able to be independent from you without having to say mean things. The goal for you is to learn how to feel good about yourself even when she does say mean things. You take back your power. It sounds like she currently holds the power in these situations.

I do know how painful hearing these words are. Be gentle with yourself. You can't just turn off your hurt. You can redirect your focus. For me the best way to do that was to have friends that I could call, later, who would tell me I was doing a good job and who would then help me laugh.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with her. I know that you are hurting. The only advice that I have for you is to just keep doing what you are doing. Keep giving her hugs and kisses and smiling at her and saying I love you.
Maybe it would be great for you and her to go out for a day at the park with lunch and ice cream.
As parents we need to keep showing our love to them. You are doing a good job. Pray for her. She loves you but right now she doesn't want to show you. Keep telling her that it is not right for her to treat you like this and that she is hurting your feelings and maybe one day she will stop.

Try talking to her, ask her why she is treating you like this. Keep trying until she answers you.

I wish you all of the best.

♥

When she does act that way try not to let her see you get upset, hide it the best you can. Also if you do lose your patience & yell, make sure that you apologize afterwards & say that you hope she can forgive you. When she tells you that she loves Daddy, say I'm glad you love Daddy, just know we both love you very much. Even if we sometimes get mad at each other we never stop loving each other. If she ever says that she doesn't love you then say well I still love you! Most kids go through this phase. The main thing is to reassure her of your undying love, no matter how mad she gets at you or you at her.

Good luck & God Bless!

I know this is hard. I would be hurt too. Can you talk to your husband about it? She is reaching for him because he is not around, IMO. The good news is (as someone told me) they act out with mom most because they feel safe enough to do so.
Can you do something special with her, maybe once a week, so that you both can just have a good experience and relax with each other?
I yell when I have reached my limit too and they DO like to find our limits, don't they? Discipline is one of the hardest things.
You have a lot going on in your life (I can empathize), so cut yourself a break too. Try not to worry - she does love you; things will change again.
Take care...

I'm sorry you have been having such a hard time. I am sure that this is just a phase (even if it seems like a long one!). It may just be a "girl" thing with their dads - both my girls went though this for a year or two (and I haven't had boys to compare!). It is probably just a developmental thing, coinciding with when they realise that there are differences between males and females, and they are a little fixated on the "opposite" parent.
I found it really hurtful too and doubted my abilities as a parent. I think you have hit on part of it, if you are the one who has to discipline, and her daddy always gets to be the soft, fun one. Also you are there all the time, and so daddy time is more of a treat. But remember how essential consistent discipline is, and that you are doing her a favor in the long run by being firm when you need to.
I found the daddy favoritism peaked between 3 and 4 and then got better slowly. My younger daughter is nearly 5 and is much more affectionate to me now, having gone through a stage when it was always about daddy. My older girl is nearly 10, and she definitely prefers my company now to my husband's and we do lots of fun stuff together. But as a toddler she would always run to daddy!
It is nothing personal, and it does not mean you are a bad mom. Just keep on showing her love and she will come around

I am guessing its a phase. She has been soooo close to you and now she's probably just trying to exert some independence and OF COURSE she's old enough to know that you make her do things she doesn't want to do - like brush her teeth. I feel like my 3 yr old is like this with my husband. He is down right MEAN to him at times and he wants me for EVERYTHING. But of course he doesn't listen to me when I need him to do things either. My friend has a 4 yr old daughter and she said at that age they get quite "sassy" lol...just keep giving her love, maybe you have been more stressed than you realize around her, maybe she just needs some good quality mommy time - these kids are SO emotionally sensitive - its the best you can do, give quality time and love and dont' fight her. My son fights me when he gets like this. She is going to push you away at numerous times in her life, right? But when she comes back, she just needs you to be there. And her Daddy too! Honestly though I think we moms get our feelings hurt b/c we do sooo much and give so much and then when our children push us away its like "betrayal" haahaa- of course its not, but thats what me and my friends say to joke about it.

My girls declared that they were going to marry daddy about that age. When I said no you cant' he's already married to me they were furious. I was the enemy for a long time.
It is a phase. Daddy brings home the love and plays and you have to do everything. It isn't fair sometimes.
Is she in school? While she is go get a pedi or a manicure and do something good for yourself. You need it right now. It sounds like you are really stressed and need some me time.
You are a good M..
Take care.

This is perfectly normal, when a young child favors the opposite sex. I think, as an adoptive mom myself, that you might be thinking its because she is adopted. Well its not. Its her exerting her independence. Be confident you are doing a great job. A child will not alienate a parent they are unsure of. She know you love her so is comfortable saying she doesnt like you. She is looking for a reaction and also trying to convince herself she doesnt need you.
When one of my kids continued to say they didnt need me I stopped doing for them. EVERYTHING. Mom wheres my dinner, socks, toy? Oh you dont need me, get it yourself. VERY soon the child would apologize and realize the seriousness of their words. From early on I tried to teach my children that words can and do hurt. And they should be very careful what they say. Adults say hurtful things that they dont mean during an argument and then feel bad, but the words still sting. If she says she doesnt love you answer calmly that you still love her and always will and drop it.
She will get over this stage, but then move on to another stage, so be prepared.

Well considering that she has been adopted she may have a fear of becoming close to a mother figure.Maybe you should contact the agency you adopted her from and see if the had a tramatic issue with her birth mother eventhough she was an infant she may still have thoes memories of that. You should deffinatly consider putting her in a childrens counseling program. I realize that this may be a hard thing to do but I personally had a similar issue with my thirteen year old daughter and it seemed to help her, it's an option. Good luck with her and your situation.

Hi Carol,

Sounds like daddy needs to step up to the plate and support you here.
Why not ask him to take her out for a special outing and have a great heart-to-heart with her. He could explain how much HE loves you, how great a mom you are, how it would make HIM feel better if your daughter made an effort to bring you back into her circle of love. Then when a confrontation arises, daddy can support YOU again. She will soon see she's one vs. two, and as she improves her behavior, your attitude will have a positive effect on the household.
Other than that, I think she will outgrow this at some point.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job!

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

I'm only the step-mom, but when my stepdaughter was around that age, she really was a daddy's girl. I'd be willing to bet its just a phase...
Is it possible for you to take her out for fun "girl times"? Something that she enjoys that you can do together just the 2 of you? I know that helped with my relationship with my stepdaughter. The more happiness and calmness you show, the more she might be relaxed with you. She might be picking up on your sadness? Sounds like you're going through a lot... so its completely normal for you to feel down often. But have fun with her!
Not sure how your husband responds to this or how he is with you, but the more he shows you outward love in front of your daughter, the more it might help? And if she doesn't treat you nicely while he's home, he should be the one to give the discipline!
Good luck and try not to take it personally! You're her mom and there's always that mom/daughter conflict - wait til she's a teen! :) She loves you!

My daughter is totally a daddy's girl, and, even though it phases in and out, it's always always tough when she's in the middle of a daddy phase. The worst was when I was pregnant with her younger brother - I would be in tears.

I don't have any "practical" advice except to say a) it will get better and b) she still totally and completely loves you. The reason she's "the worst" with you is that she's sure you'll love her no matter what. We are the most cruel to the ones we trust to be there for us. Reminding myself of that did make me feel better.

Good luck. I hope that this phase ends soon. It's brutal.

When my 5 year old says mean things to me it's always when he's not getting his way. It was shocking at first. What's comfortable for me and effective for him is for me to be honest and direct but not manipulated.

I tell him: that's too bad, you're still my favorite boy; that's very sad, I would really miss you if you found another M., yesterday I was a wonderful M. when I bought you the (whatever), what happened that I'm not wonderful anymore, how can I believe you when you tell me you love me if you take it back 10 minutes later? When I'm mad at you I still love you - maybe you really just want to say that you're mad instead of saying you don't love me? etc.

Suggest that you allow yourself to understand and know your deeper feelings, but to not act them out with her. She is just being a kid. It's not about you. Even the favouritism of her dad is not about you. Maybe your issues are not about being a mother, but surface because of the situations we so easily find ourselves with children. If not your daughter, something else would trigger these feelings because they're already inside you. Longer term suggestion- check out some books that can help you help yourself.
Good luck.

i agree with all including momeee below. also may be good to take heart to heart little breaks where u find out what she wants to do today or wear or drink...keep giving her options. if she wants dunkin donuts, fine...make it a special treat. next time you can rent a movie she likes or read a book together with someone mean in it...make sure there is a lesson in the book not to be mean!

make her feel some control over her life. this is not just about independence. she is likely seeing the helath issues befalling your family and sees how helpless you may feel and how you can not control a lot of things. sometimes when kids love someone they are afraid of losing, they act mean, like they dont care in a very childish way they are protectng themselves form losing that person. if i dont act like i love you i wont miss you...soon it becomes a habit!

at night before bed, ask her what she will dream about. tell her your silly dream. keep it light. make her comfortable saying anything. tel her how much fun you had with ehr when she was younger...silly things she did or said. show her how much she means to you without putting too much pressure on her to be a perfect kid. she is growing and needs to feel her independence in this crazy world where people you love get old and sick.

good luck!

no it is just an age phase. we have a 4 yr old. also adopted but at 1. I am also a sahm. she does not favor her dad as much as your daughter but does a lot. she tells me I do not love you anymore, you are not my mommy, I hate you. it is a phase and not due to adoption but just what our limitations are as parents. keep doing what you are doing. maybe do a special mommy day together once a week or project or something special for just the 2 of you so she can look forward to that fun.

oh honey. i am so sorry things have been so rough lately. i think that is your answer. i am sure she's picking up on the stress. and yes, with daddy gone a lot i am sure she wishes daddy was around more so he is on her mind. (that is also a stresser for both of you) my husband works mids and weekends and my son does the same thing occasionally. you are her mom and you are doing your job. maybe try to do some fun things together, take her to chuck e. cheese, or someplace fun, just to relax and let loose a little. you really do have to try to let her attitude slide off your back - she does love you and you are her mom. i am positive this is just a phase. i think discipline for sassiness is appropriate, but you have to be calm and robotic about it, try really hard not to get emotional because that's what she's trying for. just hang in there M.. i really feel for you. it sounds like you could use a girls day too, maybe that would help! a relaxed, calm M. is the best M..

She senses what's going on with you. It's easy for her to place her father on a pedestal because he is always the good guy. While he can't be the disciplinarian as soon as he comes home he does need to share that role with you, or at the very least be 100% supportive.

Don't worry...she sees she's pushing your buttons, stop letting her effect you so deeply. Don't engage her or get into conflict over silly things. Pick your battles. Also check what happens with you prior to a meltdown. Are there factors in your day that have already put you on the verge of break down before she pushes your buttons and therefore you react uncontrollably? Try to program your day so that you do flip out at the little things because you've reached a tipping point.

Buy yourself a children's daily devotional and do it with her each night so you can have some peaceful down time where you connect. It may even encourage you. Stop panicking! She is a child. Your panic is making you unapproachable. You are the parent, find some tools to help you make your way through this. Pray!

you may be pushing her awau subconsciously. I have readthat kids do know and respond accordingly to parents who are depressed. - they may egress or resent unknowingly. I was in a similar position when i brought homne my 2nd child to my son (my 1st.) I felt like i was cheating on him by bringing in another child. My son at this time also preferred my husband (which was a 1st.) I basically said to myself- I will not allow our relationship (my son and mine) to be ruined. And it wasnt the thought alone but rather alot of work and reassurance to let hime know that I amstill here for him and he is still extremely important to me,etc. - How i did that was - I m ade time at least once a week where me and him went out for just 1 on 1 time like during the holidays we made a gingerbread house together at the libraray - just us two. Or I would do painting tme when my daughter slept (too messy when she was awake.) or i would talk to him about just how much i love him and how he would feel if i treated him that way .. hope this helps.
Kate

Carol - First of all, you sound like a great mom and I feel for you. I know how much her behaviour can hurt, because, well... i WAS this little girl when I was her age. My dad was almost never around, my mom had to do EVERYTHING and whenever she had to be "bad cop" I responded by carrying on about my daddy and how he wouldn't make me do this or that... (when it reality it was because he was most likely at a bar, or vacationing with his friends in France)

Anyway- I just want to assure you that, though it is almost impossible not to take it personally, the way she is acting has little to do with you. She most likely feels like she must have done something or that YOU did something to make her daddy not be around so much. Our family situation was more dysfunctional since my dad really DIDN'T care about us in a demonstrable way but I did see a therapist who suggested that rather than give "snotty answers" and pitch fits that I instead just ask for a hug. Sounds corny but it actually worked.

So my tips would be: pick your battles: if something isn't absolutely important (wanting to sleep in a dress instead of PJs) let it slide.

Is her dad reachable by phone/ video chat etc? If she could reach out to him a little bit more maybe she'd feel a bit more secure.

When she tells you that she doesn't love you or want you, tell her that's a shame because you sure need and love her. You can even explain how words like that hurt your feelings.

And lastly, YES- this is phase. My mother and I couldn't be any closer.