Daughter Lost Wallet with $100 Bill at the Mall

You cannot say in one sentence that she is "not the most attentive and responsible" and then they very next sentence say, "I'm just shocked she could be so irresponsible".

Frankly, I don't think you should punish her. It was whoevers fault that gave her $100 bill. So I would chalk it up to a lesson learned. Good luck!

In my opinion the fact that she lost the money is punishment enough. Whatever punishment you give her I think her father deserves the same. She's 12. He's the one who should have known better.

I would not punish her. Accidents happen. But the next couple of times she wants to go to the Mall I would say, "Sorry Honey, I don't have any money for you this time." She should just learn that the consequence is that you can't afford to just dole out money and she has to wait awhile before you can give her more.

Why not have an allowance for her. Then if she loses the money it is hers and you will feel less upset.

YOU two sent a "not the most attentive and responsible" 12 year old with a 14 year old (alone, together...what the hell?) and $100..and you're mad at HER? You want to punish HER? You, the parents, set her up to fail. Who should be punished here? YOU! Guess what, natural consequences punished you, the money was lost. Did you learn your lesson, because you're the one who needs to learn one.

The awful feeling of losing that much money, is enough for her. YOU are at fault, your husband is at fault. When you set up your child to fail completely, they typically will.

Have you never lost or forgotten something while out? How did you feel? What if you were punished? Even adults do that, should our spouses begin to punish us? She is 12, and you gave her a responsibility, that you shouldn't have. YOU were irresponsible, for doing that.

ETA: Ever heard of general terms? As in the general YOU. I used caps, because obviously you need it to be verbally beaten in your heard. You know, since you're full of excuses.

So when you have a major mistake and lose $$ what's going to happen to you??? Haven't you ever had a mess up before that cost you? Gees.. It happens to everyone at some point and time.

I myself packed my car with Target purchases only to realize AFTER I got home, I had no purse. My brain fart was leaving the purse in the shopping cart!!! Luckily, after a super speed back to target, my purse was still in the cart in the parking lot. Could have been much worse!! My bad.

I'm sure you've had your share of oops too.

I don't get why you are punishing her. Yes, it was $100 and a huge lesson learned for her and your hubby.

Taking her phone means nothing. She's probably beaten herself up inside and out over her error and the ire she gets from you.

At most I would make a consequence cost her no more than $50 since hubby is responsible for handing a $100 bill to a 12 yr old and sending her off to the mall.

That $50 can be recouped with her chores, allowance and extra jobs. As for your hubby... You both as marriage partners and parents figure it out.

Don't be so tough on her. She's 12 and she will make mistakes, some costly.

I guess my question is what was a 12year old doing at a mall with a 14 year old. The money, I do not blame her, they are not that responsible at that age basically they are scatter brained. No change no money. Non negotiable. Never would I give a child a $100. I would punish your husband.
Hopefully he learned a very big lesson.

That's a hundred dollar lesson for 3 people. You, your H and your daughter. $33 a person for much smarter people!
She is a 12 year old and no, most 12 year olds would do just what she did.
You are holding her to an impossible standard. It's regrettable but don't beat a dead horse. Kiss and make up.

This was an accident and has nothing to do with age. I understand your frustration, I mean I would be frustrated. I doubt though that she did it on purpose, and pretty sure she feels bad about it.

The true fault lies at your husbands feet, if he was to busy working to deal with the situation then he should have just told her that there was nothing for her to go to the mall with.

Chalk this up to a lesson learned and move on..

I don't consider myself irresponsible and I have left my purse sitting on the counter at Costco. I was lucky, someone returned it without taking the money. When my older daughter went to the mall she had all her Christmas money, around 350 dollars, she left it in a changing stall, never saw it again.

I guess I am saying I think you are being too harsh on her. She made a mistake and she probably feels awful. She is more likely to learn from this is you just explain, we all do this but that feeling you are feeling, that is why we don't do it often.

My daughter is now 22, she was 14 at the time, she has never left or lost her wallet since! They really do learn just from that crappy I effed up feeling.

Dad needs some extra chores.

Seriously. It's like when you get your 16 year old a car--you sit back and wait for the fender bender. Cause you KNOW it's going to happen.

Because your husband was too lazy to hit the ATM for a twenty, HE is out a hundred bucks.

I don't think your daughter needs to be punished. He does. That's called Stupid Tax by Dave Ramsay. Sorry. :(

I lost a $20 bill when I was about that age while I was shopping for Christmas presents with my mother. That was over 30 years ago, so it might as well have been $100. I felt horrible. It was an accident. My mother did not punish me -- there was no lesson to learn. Things happen. Adults lose things, too -- it doesn't necessarily mean she was being irresponsible. Does your husband punish you if you lose something?

I think losing her phone and having to work it off is not only appropriate but enough. If she feels as badly as I did then, it's a mistake she won't make twice.

Accidents happen!! I'm a 46 year old woman and I lost my wallet two months ago in Palm Springs, that hasn't happened since the fifth grade at Disneyland!! The Coach wallet cost $250 (gift from my 19 year old daughter this past Christmas) and had $250 cash in it (my daughter's ex-boyfriend paid me back money the night before, I never have cash). I felt terrible and stupid! Your daughter most likely feels terrible and stupid but **stuff happens**. I'm sure she has learned from it.

I think the idea to treat your husband like an idiot is crazy as well. I also support the kids going to the mall by themselves. I absolutely allowed it when my daughter was that age.

My daughter "punished" me by surprising me with a new Coach wallet!! I hated accepting it...I love that kid!

As frustrating as it is, I don't think I'd go too hard on the punishment. The natural consequences were pretty significant....she lost her good time at the mall, she had to backtrack everywhere she went and has disappointed her parents.

It's not at all unusual for a female of any age to accidently put her wallet down and forget it. If someone choses to steal that wallet, that person is a thief. So, a good part of this blame lies on the person who stole her wallet.

Giving a 12 year old a $100 bill (or telling them where to find it so that they can take it) isn't a really bright thing to do, especially when that 12 year old is known to be "not the mst attentive and responsible." Kind ot makes me wonder who really needed the lesson and the punishment here?

Your daughter has already been punished. Next time she goes to the mall, give her much less money. It was an expensive lesson for all of you to learn.

I don't know if I would punish my kid for being irresponsible by taking away her phone. Think about it, what is taking away her phone going to teach her? That you don't trust her? She made a mistake, we all make mistakes! She feels horrible about it, it wasn't on purpose and she can't do anything to change what happened. She can only learn from it and grow from it. I'm sure she won't be losing her purse again anytime in the near future.

Now in terms of her paying you back for the lost/stolen money, that's another story. She should pay you back because the fact of the matter is that she did make a mistake and when we make mistakes we should try to fix them to the best of our ability. So, working around the house to pay off her debt is a great idea. Make sure she knows how much each chore is worth so that she really does have to "earn" every dollar. Dad could certainly pitch in on her behalf since he did make the poor decision in the first place.

Not punishment. A consequence. A $100 consequence. That means 20 jobs in the house that take long enough to do that will equal $5 in payment towards paying back the debt.

I promise you that if you require this of her, she will never lose another wallet.

Dawn

I hope your Husband learned his lesson too.
To a certain extent, he should tell his daughter that he should not have given her $100. And he IS partly or greatly, responsible for this.

Being you/he knows, that your daughter is not the most attentive or responsible, it was a bad choice to give her that much money.
Your Husband made a BAD call on this.
HE made the decision to give her $100.
I really don't think she should be solely punished.
Your HUSBAND, NEEDS to apologize to her... and tell her he made a bad call on this.

Now... does she just carry a wallet when she goes out... or does she have a PURSE? A purse with a strap on it that can be worn around her????? (oh sorry, you did mention she has a purse).
If not, GET her a purse, and tell her to use her purse to put her wallet IN. Not just carry a wallet around. That is just an accident waiting to happen. Even with grown ups.

My daughter is uber responsible and is 9... but she always carries a purse on her that is slung around her shoulders. I never let her just carry a wallet. I know it will be forgotten someplace where it is laid even for just a moment.
My daughter, does not ever take off her purse, she always keeps it slung around her shoulders. AND she double or triple checks her purse to make sure her things, ALL of her things/wallet, is in it, each time she uses it.

Even if you punish your daughter, and even if it is just a valueless thing in her wallet... she may or will lose something again.
Maybe even her cell phone next time.

So if she lost the money/her wallet... did she lose her entire purse too??? Or only the wallet?

**You can ALSO, get her a purse, and get one of those stretchy coil like lanyard things with a latch on the other end, to attach to her wallet and then attach that to her purse interior. I have a friend, that does that with HER wallet. That way, when she uses her wallet, the wallet is always ATTACHED to her purse. Some purses even come with an interior "leash" with a latch on the other end, to attach your wallet to it.
THAT, would be a GOOD solution for your daughter, or anyone who does not want to lose their wallet.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Not sure why you wrote the post in the first place. Feel for the kid and all other family members who "couldn't break the bill" before letting your child out at the mall.

Looks like your family plays the "Blame Game" a lot! There is no punishment needed....when any of us who loses a purse, wallet, keys, etc., we generally beat ourselves up. You have laid it on your kid, your husband and grandma, when in reality, it could have happened to anyone...including YOU! Consider it a lesson learned and give your child a break.

I'd probably punish my husband more then my child ..Ouch. That does sting a bit. However, I think a lesson is to be learned for everyone involved. I would have her do some chores around the house, and make sure that it does not happen again. He could have taken the $100 bill and broken it at any bank, or store then handed her $20 and called it a day.

Update, I see nothing wrong with them shopping at the mall. They are good kids, Heck one of them is almost old enough to have a driving learners permit. Now if they were just hanging out and running around, then it is not good.. But they went intending to shop..

I agree that this was an accident. She did not do this on purpose.
Lesson learned.

IF you think she would like to make it up to the family (ask her) Then give her some options.

Chores to work this off or $100. less gifts from you all, for Christmas, birthday,... etc..

Or she could hold a garage sale and have her clean out her room of all of the things, she no longer uses. Her father can help by selling his old stuff from his own closet, garage and shed.

My guess is that she's already beating herself up about it. I have a 12 year old also and can totally see this happen to her and I know I would be mad too but from the outside looking in, I think she is already punishing herself. I would not give her big bills in the near future though. Also how many of us adults have lost money or a wallet or purse??? I know I have.

What would you do if your husband or you lost the $100? Work to make it back. Give her the phone back. She didn't do something bad on purpose. She can work it off with chores.

Your husband made a bad decision by giving a not-even-12 year old $100. She made a bad decision by not being as careful as she needed to. Since she's 1/2 responsible, make her work off half the money.

To chime in , not long ago I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. A very nice man called to tell me he found it. I'm typically very responsible. I don't know one person who hasn't lost their wallet or cash or credit card at some
point. Think how you'd react if the wallet had $10 in it instead and kind of go from there... Not her fault it was $100.

I wouldn't punish her. She didn't lose the money or wallet on purpose and I'm sure she feels awful about it. The fact that it was $100 isn't even her fault. It's you AND your husband. You're both her parents. Neither of you made sure there were small bills for her. In the future, you and your husband ought to keep smaller bills in the house or make sure that there's a small bill stash available to her for the times when she goes out to the mall or the movies.

There's no punishable fault or blame on your daughter here. I mean, sure, she wasn't especially responsible but this wasn't intentional. You're just angry that it was $100. Would you punish her if it WERE $5 or $10? You really only consider punishment because it was $100.

Doesn't sound like Grandma had anything to do with it as far as being responsible for the 100 dollar bill. Dad made a decision-one I would not have made. I do understand his decision. So I would give him a break & Chalk it up to experience. I spend enough time with 12 year olds to know their focus isn't always on the most crucial thing. Of course your daughter didn't mean to lose her purse. It does happen; just unfortunate to be the one time she has 100 dollar bill in there! I see parents send their atm card with their teen to the mall. There is always a risk. Natural consequences is the best way to go. I don't see the reason for "punishment" unless it becomes a habit to lose her wallet. After all, she is just 12! It's a precious age. I am sure she will hear this story as she grows up more than once! (: Only as she gets older, there will be laughter about the "incident."

It was an accident. I would give her back her phone, but I would expect her to pay you back however she can, whether that be forfeiture of her allowance or doing extra chores.

I would, too, be upset as a mama, but honestly, I have lost so much money that I can empathize.

That being said, I would not replace the loss money. She'd have to go without a shopping spree until you have extra money again.

punish her for what? an accident?
punishment is appropriate for deliberately chosen bad behavior.
it wasn't the best choice to give that amount to a tween, but under certain circumstances most of us may well have done the same thing. this time it didn't work out.
next time you'll all know better.
and i'd have no problem with a 12 year old going to the mall with friends.
khairete
S.

Hmmmm. My granddaughter is 12 and she is not allowed to go to the mall without an adult present. There is no way I'd give her $100 bill. I suggest that she does share some responsibility for it's loss that your husband and her grandma are also responsible. I suggest that she was given too much responsibility for a 12 yo.

I suggest that the most reasonable discipline would be to tell her that she's shown that she is not responsible enough to go shopping alone at the mall. This is a learning experience for everyone involved. I'm sure she feels just a badly as you do. If not, then a more serious consequence makes sense.

In regards to why a 12 yo and 14 yo is too young to go to the mall alone it is an unsafe place. It is a hangout for teens including gangs. In the mall closest to our house there has even been a shooting. On the less serious side, I've known kids to be goaded into shoplifting by a new found "friend."

If you want to give her a consequence give her one that is related. For example: If your daughter is able to be focused just on shopping and won't be distracted by the people and things around her then she would be OK. However, this incident shows that she was distracted. She is just not mature enough to remain focused and keep herself and her money/belongings safe. It's not fair to put her in this situation.

As to adults losing things because they are distracted, their punishment/discipline is loss of the money. I think that losing the money is enough punishment for your daughter. Taking away her phone teaches her nothing. The two things aren't related.

I'm going to try really hard not to sound overly critical, because I really don't mean to sound like I'm bashing you. I don't understand why a punishment is in order here. Your husband made a bad judgment call and entrusted a TWELVE year old with too much money. It's not her fault that she acted like she was TWELVE and couldn't keep up with it. Adults lose money all the time, I don't see why she deserves punishment, that seems very silly to me.

Also, sorry, I very much disagree with you, twelve is NO WAY old enough to be walking around the mall without supervision.

No punishment necessary. She didn't have any money to shop after that-that was a punishment in itself and I'm sure she feels awful about the whole thing.

The phone is unrelated and I don't think it's necessary.

I agree with all of the other posters. No one is perfect and we have all screwed up. This is an excellent life lesson for her and you and your hubby as parents not to overreact. Unless of course the next time you lose something important or miss paying a bill on time-you are going to punish yourself.

Oh that's so sad!

I must admit that I have lost my purse on four separate occasions. The first time was when I was seven years old and I was so excited to spend my Christmas money. I was so upset that my mom took pity on me and replaced the $7 that Iost.

The last three times I left my purse somewhere, it was filled with cash (we're talking hundreds of dollars) and credit cards. Luckily, I had the purse returned to me totally intact each time. This happened in Portland, Los Angeles, and Washington D.C. I am still shocked that there are so many good samaritans out there. And now forgetful am I???

Anyway, back to your daughter. This was an expensive lesson for her. But an fairly easy mistake. I think the punishment you came up with is fair and appropriate. So sorry it happened :-(

And by the way, a 12 year old and a 15 year old alone at the mall? No big deal.

I don't see why she needs a punishment. She shouldn't have been given that much money to begin with. People forget things and lose things all the time. It is a hard lesson for her (and you guys) to lose that money already.

I also am with the others saying 12 is WAY too young to be at the mall alone. I may be over-protective of my kids, but that is way too young to go alone. All types of people go to the mall.

Honestly, I don't think she should be punished. It was an honest mistake. Punishment should be reserved for when she intentionally defies you or does something she KNOWS is wrong. Mistakes happen.

I have left my ATM card in the ATM machine before. I can't imagine that you've never put something down and forgotten it. Everyone does it. Unfortunately this time it was a lot of money, but it was a mistake/accident.

The thing that would concern me is that someone standing behind her in a line could see how much money she had and that could lead to her becoming a victim of robbery.

We have a case right now where suspects stood behind someone in line at a market and saw that the person had a lot of cash in their wallet. A few minutes later, that suspect robbed the person out in the parking lot.

Your husband should be educated; your daughter should not be punished.

Yup, it's annoying, but let it go. People lose things. When stuff gets lost (which doesn't happen all that often to me), I tell myself, "you win some, you lose some," and that helps me let it go.

Hopefully this has taught your daughter a big lesson about losing things!

I would chalk it up to a valuable life lesson for the whole family.

Unless it was an unplanned trip to the mall ( and it doesn't sound like it was since there was a ride lined up for the girls) the responsibility really landed on all of you imo.

You and dad forgot to get her some money to take with ( smaller bills) before it was time to go.

She learned she needs to be more careful about what she is doing.

All of us young and old have learned this lesson in life!! All of us mess up sometimes and loose money... forgot our purse/ wallet somewhere.. it fell out of our pockets... we set it somewhere and now its not there... it happens to the best of us.

If it was me I would give her some extra chores for a night ( nothing major) and with what she is feeling would be enough of a punishment for me.

You (as in her parents, collectively) gave a 12 year old who you admit isn't the most attentive, responsibility over something much more valuable than she had any right to be responsible for and now you want to punish her for your error in judgement?
I think you, unintentionally, set her up for something to happen when you gave her way more money than you were ok with her spending, wasting or losing. She's only 12! Should she have been more careful-yes. Should she share in the responsibility for the lost money-yes. Should she have to do chores to "pay back" a portion of it-yes, but I think the fault lies closer to 1/3 her's and 2/3 with the adults that allowed her to be in this position in the first place.

I am in the camp that says your husband is just as much to blame as her, if not more. He should have just said, no, sorry, I don't have any money to spare. And she should have an allowance and be expected to manage her own spending.

I am sure she feels awful, but rather than having her perform chores and tasks to "work it off", have her to do it as her way of making it up to you. It's the same thing, but a different approach and mindset. It's giving her a chance to "make it right." Taking away her cell phone has nothing to do with what happened. If there are going to be any consequences, have them make sense and fit the situation.

For Christmas one year, I gave each of my stepsons $100, written out as checks. The older boy (age 12) cashed his right away. The younger one (age 11, and always the less responsible of the 2) let his sit in his wallet for a month. Then when his mother went to do his laundry, he had neglected to take his wallet out of his jeans, so the check got washed too, and ruined. I decided to give him back the $100 (after all, it was a gift), but to teach him a lesson, it was paid back as $10 cash every 2 weeks, when they came to visit for the weekend. His mother did not agree with this - as far as she was concerned, the money was still all there, because the check had never been cashed, and she thought I should just write him another check or give him the money in full. She felt she was to blame for not checking his jeans herself and therefore he shouldn't be "punished" (she didn't believe in giving them allowances either, but just got them what they wanted when they wanted it). But what would that have taught him? That no matter what, he will be bailed out, and that his mistakes can always be blamed on someone else.

Unfortunately, his mother has continued to be the one to make things easy on him and not let him face the consequences. So now he is 18, and continues to not take responsibility for his own actions, and Mom keeps buying him a new cell phone whenever he loses one - and he can't earn the money he would need to buy one himself because he lost his part-time job for showing up late too many times.

Bottom line is, what do you want her to learn from this, and what do you think will best teach it to her?

I think this was an important and expensive lesson for your daughter, and your husband. Does she get an allowance? If so, that needs to stop for a while. I'm guessing if Dad is giving her money to blow at the mall, then she does not get an allowance.

I think the next few outings where money is involved need to be declined because she can not afford it. If her friends invite her to the mall, or anything where money could be spent, then the answer needs to be no for a while. If she is separated from her friends because of this, she will remember next time.

It also seems to me that she needs a lesson in respect for money. Yes, this was an accident. But she should have been SO VERY careful. If she had more regard for money the bag would never have come off her shoulder.

I think you should start giving her an allowance of $3 a week - after she has paid off her $100 accident. She should get NO additional money other than her $3 dollars. Not only that, her $3 dollars should be contingent on maintaining behavior your family values.

I think she's been punished enough-the sad of it is the person who found it and did not turn it in-they should be punished. The other day, my son thought he lost his wallet-he was beside himself and then realized he'd left it in a jacket. Are you sure you looked everywhere? When I lose something-well, at my age , if I forget where I put something-I pray to St. Anthony-best of luck!

I think all of y'all need a time out. Look accidents and mistakes happen. I have walked off without my purse. I would say we all have. I don't understand why you are wanting to punish her. Don't you think the fact that she lost $100 dollars is killing her? Trust me it is. I'm sure she has been hearing about this since it happened.

You want to blame someone, okay blame everyone, except Grandma. She was being nice enough to drive the kids to the mall. You should have made sure she had money before leaving, hubby gave her way too much before leaving, daughter should have been more responsible with the money. I bet she doesn't do that again!!!

I have no issue with 12 years going to the mall unsupervised. I would ride the RTA with my friends to the mall in North Olmstead from Westlake.

I think the most important thing in this whole situation is that your family needs to sit down and prepare, especially since your daughter will soon be a teen and will be going out more and more, and it sounds like you and your husband work a lot. So you all need to talk about:

1. With whom and when and where your daughter may go out, and how she is to inform you of her whereabouts (a note written before she goes out, a text?) What will her curfew be?

2. Spending money: you and your husband need to make sure that at the beginning of the week you set aside a certain amount of spending money for your daughter, and that she is accountable for what she spends. Discuss what she can buy (maybe up to $10 or so on random treats), and what she has to check with you on before purchasing. Where will the money be kept? Where will she put receipts for purchases?

3. Role play safety procedures. Have her practice checking keys, money, phone, etc, before walking away from an ATM machine, etc. I always taught my kids to stand still in front of the ATM and put their money away before turning around and leaving. So many kids grab the cash, and run to the movie ticket counter, or wherever, and don't remember their card, or drop money in the process. I told them not to worry about holding up the line for the few seconds it took to put the money away and check their wallet, ATM card, etc. Teach your daughter a little code to think, like "KMP", (keys, money, phone) or something clever.

4. Establish a code that she can use if she's in an uncomfortable situation. For example if she's out and her friend pulls out a bottle of beer, or if she doesn't feel comfortable for whatever reason, have her call you and say something innocent like "mom, when I get home can you remind me about that math homework?" or "I forgot to give you a phone message. Uncle Bill called" which is code for "I'm in a potentially bad situation. I need you to ask me yes or no questions and come get me." You be the bad guy and tell her you just realized she didn't do her chores and you're coming to get her. Almost no teen will call and say "gee, mom, my friend is drinking or got into a fight" but they are more likely to call and use the code words.

Write these expectations and rules down like a contract. Tell your daughter that plans were a little haphazard, but from now on, the whole family will establish some accountability and boundaries and structure.

Don't punish her, because it was a typical mistake. Taking away the phone doesn't really make sense, but having her earn the money back does. Now you know that she has demonstrated that she's not responsible enough to function without some strict policies in place. Tell her that she can earn more trust and responsibility and privileges by adhering to the rules and being careful with her possessions.

extra chores!!!!! not sure why dad is to blame or grandma, she was irresponsible & that's final