Dating Nightmare

Well, it sounds like with things the way they are it will never get to marriage, if that what you eventually want too. Maybe that is what you need to tell him. He tells you things would be different if you were married,tell him he needs to show you that before you'd consider it. If he can't prove to you that he can stand up to his ex and put you before her then the relationship probably will end up having to many problems and you'd be better off as friends. You're not asking him to pick you over his kids, you're asking him to pick you over his ex.

Hello,

I was reading through the message
and i'm going through the same thing
it is so irrating and i think she does it at times to get to me. I have try to igore it, but she is so rude
and always has some little comment to say,
My boyfriend his excuse is always that is my daugthers mom
and she will be around for 16 more years, so you are going to have to deal with it.

What's to fix? He's being a Dad. If he and this woman were still together he would be a Dad more than every other weekend. It sounds to me like he's doing just what he should be doing. You will need to get over it or get out.

Well, everyone else has already pointed out the fact that marriage won't change anything, and the ex will always be needy etc.
I would like to address what you said about not having enough time alone with your guy. Married people have the same problem- we have our kids 24/7 and it is really hard to have one-on-one time with our spouses. Sounds like you are used to your child-free weekends and it bothers you that these weekends get interrupted by the needs of HIS children (I am not defending his ex taking advantage of him, which is clearly happening, but it comes down to the kids needing their dad, and dad stepping in, as he should).
I have no personal experience with this (I am married, have no weekends off with my kids, and no difficult exes to contend with either) but I just wanted to point out what I think is another factor affecting your perspective. You are used to a good ex relationship that affords you with weekends to yourself a couple times a month. Your boyfriend doesn't have that, and you will not have that either if you stay with him. Just be ready to adapt and give up your "grown-ups only" weekends if you marry him.

R....
Timing is everything! It sounds like your boyfriend is still trying to work his way out of a bad relationship/relationship habbits. What that means is that he is not emotionally ready for a new relationship with you. In his defense, the kid's schedule is complicated and difficult. How can any adult work around that?! However, that doesn't excuse his lack of trying to make things better. If he was really ready for a relationship between the two of you, he would make time for it; he would make it a priority! Also, when people are dating, they are on their BEST behavior because they are trying to attract someone. If he is acting like this now, it will just get worse if you get married. I will tell you right now, it won't be different when you get married. That is a flat-out lie. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I think, somewhere you already know this or else you would not have titled this question "dating nightmare"...I think you should end the "nightmare" so that you don't make a "married nightmare" for yourself and your boys. Don't worry, there is someone out there who will love, cherish and make time for you and your boys. Good luck!

Well you close with his comment if you were married it would be different...I don't know what would be different. Who does he suggest would change? Her, Him, or the kids? I don't think anything would change and think he is just passifying you as my husband often does. Men often don't like to argue or fight, they like everyone to be happy so they blurt out things that are not true or possible.

If the two of you had children together, you would have to make time for eachother somehow, so it shouldn't be any different for the kids all together. What will happen when his kids are older and are able to choose which house they go to, will you tell them to go to their mother because this is your weekend with him? You can't. Further, your kids will reach that age where they may want to be at your house more for whatever reason, would you want him to send them back to their Dad so he could have time with you? He sounds like a great Dad and I am afraid you won't be able to get aruond that. It just makes those moments alone with him extra special.

I don't have personal experience in this area, but it sounds to me that it should be his call to decide. They are his kids, and he probably wants to be with them as much as possible. Seeing as how it sounds as though the other mom is also a single mom, she probably can't afford good day care and is using her ex as a babysitter (I wanted to edit right here because of what another mom pointed out to me... I DO think that the father has just as many responsibilities to his children as the mother. I was using the term "babysitter" to portray that his ex is asking him to take the kids during times not previously worked out). If this works, great. If it's not working for him, then he needs to make the stand. If it is just because he feels pressure from you, that will make things worse for your relationship. It is a sticky situation and unfortunately you all will have to make some unwanted compromises to make things work.

Again, that's easy enough for me to say! If I were in the same boat, it would be harder to look at it from an outside perspective. Emotions can really cloud judgement.

Either let him figure out how to balance his life on his own....or with you by trial and error. But not by using "marriage" as his quick fix hoping that this will "cure" his ails.

You really can't blame him, its not an easy fence to walk, nor for his Ex.

He will still have strings attached to his Ex and kids....for life and monetarily. His Ex doesn't "have" to change...as far as she sees it...and perhaps she is a little "possessive" over him and/or jealous. Well, that's natural...she probably does not want to see her children neglected once their Daddy has a "new life" without them. At least his Ex still includes him in her children's lives. Many don't. So, there is that side to it too.

Like it or not... your are lucky to know a man who CARES about his kids and wants to be a part of their lives, even if he is no longer with their Mother.

Now, you need to decide what to do with him. Perhaps your boyfriend and his Ex are STILL transitioning their lives separately....and while still being present and a part of their children's lives. So, they still have kinks to work out.

If he truly cannot balance his own life, in conjunction with his Ex, separately....then you will have the Ex in your life too...like it or not. Which is sad for him, because then he can never really live his life or have happiness. But at least he is a good willing Dad to his kids, and not an absent father.

Do you want to be a part of that...or not? But, make sure that as admirable as he is for being a Dad to his children....that you are not being taken for granted either. It may take some time, in working this out, if you stay with him. Or, perhaps you both can go to couples counseling to investigate this further and get ideas from a professional... what would change if you both got married? And, maybe he can learn coping skills and how to set boundaries with his Ex. Sometimes, men, even with the best of intentions, really don't "know" how to set boundaries...and being a good Dad at the same time. You are lucky he loves his kids, and wants to be with you. Try couples counseling, it might shine a new light into the picture.

BUT, are you BOTH willing to go this extra step, for your relationship? Are you together really, because you want to, love each other, enjoy each other, complement each other....or because it is a habit and don't know what else to do? Have a heart to heart talk... what is his and your, level of commitment to this... then, decide on a "solution" and a plan.

All the best,
~Susan

Hi R.,
Like the last response, I don't have any personal experience with this, but do you ever listen to Dr. Laura? She would red flag this relationship immediately. His ex is always going to be the mother of his children and will always be in the picture and will more than likely always be "needy". I hope things work out for the best for you and your boys (which is the only relationship that really matters anyways).

This will be hard advice, but, let this relationship go. You and your boys deserve better. Like other women have said, his ex will always be part of the situation. It sounds like his entanglement with her will never be resolved. Do you really want to wait for him to figure things out? Unfortunately, so many single, or newly divorced people get into relationships that fare no better, and usually worse, than their first marriage or relationship. So many of us are reluctant to look at our bad patterns and habits that lead to the destruction of relationships. What about you? Are you mindful of your tendencies in relationships? How about him? It sounds like he's not really resolving boundary issues with his ex. God bless you. It's a tough road you walk with two boys as a single mom. Loneliness can be really tough, but God is an ever-present help to you at all times. Call out to Him.He will NEVER disappoint you.

Run for the hills, if you can.
I was involved with a guy who had a psycho ex-gf with whom they had a son. She was always calling him making demands. She would never allow me to be around the boy. The poor kid got older and when I asked him if he wanted to go to the park his reply was very sad - "Yes, but I can't because my mommmy will be mad at me for being your friend."
After 7 years I finally said enough. I vowed to never date a guy with kids, or at least one with an over-bearing ex.

They need to work it out amongst themselves before he can consider himself available for a new relationship. It is unhealthy for the children to see the struggle and neediness. If not, she might blame you for taking him away from the kids. That blame could be felt by the children and they might eventually blame you.
We know that's not true but she's not acting like a fair person.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Good luck.

I don't have any experience in this area either, but my cousin does. She married someone who was previously married with a little girl. This guy was really nice, too - he was at my cousin's side during a life threatening illness that left her unable to have children before they were married and he proposed soon after she got out of the hospital.It was okay at first, but he just couldn't put his foot down - same thing - watching his daughter on his "off" days, taking her on weekends that weren't his, last minute parties he felt obliged to take her to (the daughter was 14 or so) even though he and my cousin had other plans. Eventually the ex ended up moving into a house only a couple of blocks away from them. The strain was just too much for them and they ended up getting a divorce. Probably not what you want to hear, but I hope it helps.

Hi,
First of all you are in a tight situation, to say the least. But my question is, who are the bounderies for, his ex or his time with his children? He sounds like a devoted father and so many mothers would love to have half of that devotion. It sounds like they share 50/50 custody. Marriage WILL NOT change anything. I don't feel there should be bounderies regarding his children, though if the ex is needing him to do things for her personally, then definately that needs to come to a stop. Do you think she has a hidden agenda or is her neediness part of her natural personality. Also is she involved with anyone of her own? You stepped into a relationship that has difficulties and I do feel for you. But you need to look at this situation and see if there is a true future. It is not fair to have him see his children less. They need him and are used to having him so involved in their lives. To take that away can be devistating and they will grow to resent you. If that happens your relationship will be nothing but miserable. Really look also how you mesh as a family with all the children together and your relationship with his kids and him with yours. If your love is strong, you two will come to a solution that is fair for all of you. It may be a situation where you will have to learn to accept their relationship if it won't change. If you don't have that in you, let go now. Marriage though is only going to make it worse. He sounds like a wonderful person. Is there any way for you and his ex can have any type of relationship (positive)?? I think I have more questions than anything,lol. You need to look deep inside yourself and find out if you can be truly happy in this. But he also needs to be true to himself and if that means the time with his children, so be it. But maybe take a weekend a month that only involves the two of you with no interuptions. He is probably feeling pulled in so many directions, maybe weekend getaways may help more than one thinks. Just a thought and the best of luck...
C.

Hi R.,

Good thing you wrote in before making up your mind. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but it won't get any better after the two of you get married. It won't be him taking his daughter to dance class or keeping the kids a few hours. Use your gut instinct as any one else that has read about your problem. #1-Your boyfriend needs to cut the ties with the X. #2-He's looking for help to run the kids. #3- If you marry him, he and his X will be dumping their kids off on you. #4-Ask yourself what will they be doing while you are trying to juggle time with two sets of kids. #5-Your kids will have to adjust to the whole situation of sharing their mom. #6-Time with your kids will be cut in half. #7-He won't have a lot of money to support you since he'll be paying child support.

I could go on and on with the future problems you will have if you marry this man. I think you already have second thoughts, if you didn't, you wouldn't be asking for advice. The reason I know about these things, is that a lady close to me is going through a situation with the after married problems that were suppose to be better. She has to take care of children from his first marriage, her husband never takes care of them. She and her husband never get to do anything and when they thought they were getting ahead, his X wants to claim the children on her taxes and she has yet to raise them for the last eleven years. It's your choice, but put yourself and your children first. No man is worth having to take over his mistakes just because you say, "I DO." He will never have time for you, sounds like his X still has him wrapped around her little finger, anyone can make excuses.

Be smart, I wish you luck,,,,,

____@____.com

This isn't going to be sugar coated...I'm sorry if it comes across as judgmental in advance.
You don't provide any examples of how she is being horrible only that she asks him to do things for his kids. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry but you should walk away from this relationship, not because he's not right for you but because you're not right for him. You shouldn't be his number one priority in his life. His kids are and should be. Do you put him above your own children? Why are you so threatened by the presence of his children and his ex by extension in his life? Using your ex as a comparison is skewed because he does get very little time with them only having them every other weekend, of course he wouldn't give any of that time up but I bet if he's a good dad, if you asked him to take them at a time that is "not his weekend" he'd jump at the chance to spend more time with them.
Your boyfriend's kids benefit from a cooperative relationship where his ex can call him to take care of his children. It is not babysitting when it comes to your own children. If you are in a relationship with two parents together and there are children involved, you share the workload. Just because you split up doesn't mean you stop being a parent 100% of the time. He is still their dad and how wonderful for their self esteem that he is a dad they can count on. It doesn't matter if it benefits her when he takes them in the slightest because that is not his reason for doing it. He's doing it for his kids and he should. What matters is that it benefits them. And if she is calling him to ask for some other help or questions, who cares? She's is ex for a reason so why be concerned that she calls him?
What if something happened to their mom and he had his kids full time?? He has kids and they are a part of his life whether you like it or not. If he has them at a time where you want to go out on "date night" find a sitter like the rest of us who have our children 100% of the time.
If you can't accept that, you need to walk away from this relationship before you hurt him and his children. You may very well end up changing him and getting your own way but in the end you're going to hurt him and the kids in the process. Leave his working relationship with his ex alone.
Or if you really love him and you really want to have a good, loving and beneficial relationship with him, you need to work out your own insecurities and find a way to accept every part of his life which truthfully includes his children AND his ex. Counseling would be a great start.

I think it's great that your BF is willing to spend as much time as possible with his children. I personally don't believe in "every-other-weekend" situations. I am currently married but my husband and I have agreed that if anything should ever happen, we would equally have access to our children and the responsibility of raising them. It does kind of sound like his ex uses him when it's convenient for her but I think he should have more of a role than EOW anyway.

From the examples you gave, the EX doesn't sound like she's doing anything awful. His kids need to be and should be a part of his life and I think it should be at least 50% of the time. This is a situation that's not going to go away. In different ways, of course, your relationship with this guy is also a relationship with his kids and his EX. That's just the way it is. His ex wilL ALWAYS be a part of his life even when the kids are grown. You have to decide if you can go on with him and not ask him to sacrafice his relationship with his kids or his ex. I know this all sounds impossible but I think with a lot of effort, these situations can exist.

R.,

You need to not worry about dating until your boys reach the age of 18 and are ready to maybe leave the nest. Do you listen to Dr. Laura on station KFI-640? She is on the air between the hours of 12:00 pm until 3:00 pm. She has a lot of wisdom and she suggest that parents with little kids should not date until their kids are grown. The reason why I am telling you this is because I was a single parent and got married when my child was around 6. There are a lot of problems that go along with being with someone that has kids that are not theirs. Just listen to her show and you will get a lot from it.

As far as him spending a lot of time with his kids, that is a good thing and you shouldn't care if he is helping whenever he can, he is a good dad. He says things will change if you were married, but they won't. Think about it, what is going to be so special/different just because you are married. When you have kids, it really isn't much you and him time, even when you are married. Trust me, it's coming from an experienced horse's mouth.

Anyway, good luck!

I am sorry but I disagree with the comments herein that say 'he is just doing his job'...It would be one thing if the ex was finding herself in a bind once in awhile but it sounds like she is just not planning her time wisely and as a result is calling him at the last minute on a regular basis. She is taking advantage of him and there is nothing wrong with him setting some boundaries (but he doesn't sound like he is going to). It doens't mean he isn't being a good dad, and it doesn't mean that he isn't there for his kids. It just means that he respects himself, his time, and his significant other (you!) enough to find a balance with his 1st family and his (potential) 2nd family. In order for join custody to work effectively, there has to be mutual respect between the exes with regard to their time and life schedules. In any event, the bottom line here is that he is probably not going to change how he deals with his ex and so you will probably have to decide for yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Sorry to sound cynical but you definitely don't want to enter into a marriage knowing this about him already, unless you are OK with it. It is a sign of things to come, and it will be the source of countless arguments in the years to come, believe me! People who don't know how to set boundaries with family members, be it ex wives, mother in laws, meddling siblings, co-workers, etc...will not miraculously start doing it just because you get married. I am basing this on my own personal experience so I guess I can't speak for all people, but it seems pretty true for most people I know. Sorry... Good luck and for what it's worth, I think you are being really smart to look at this siutation with your eyes wide open instead of deluding yourself into thinking that things might change ;-)

This sounds like a train wreck. I have a feeling if you stay with him, you'll also be getting his ex as a permanent part of the deal. If you must go forward insist in couples therapy.

Dear R.,
I know it is very hard when such strong feelings are involved, but I do belive that if his ex is an issue now, she always will be. She is the mother of his children, therefore she will always be in his life. If he has not set boundariies with her now, chances are he never will, although as the years go by and his children become more independent she will probably think of other ways she can interfere in his life. So you need to take care of you, and do some soul searching and ask yourself can I take this relationship to the next level knowing that this woman will continue to be an obstacle. Please don't be fooled into beliving that if you get married to him everything will suddenly be great and she won't be an issue anymore, I am sorry but I just don't think that is ture. Marrige could make things worse for you, even making you feel trapped in the situation. Remember you need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR boys. I wish you all the best.
L.

I've learned a lot about these sorts of situations by listening to Dr. Laura's radio program, Mon thru Fri 12-3 PST. Give her a call, 1800DRLAURA , she gives really good advice about your kind of dilemma. As for me I would advise getting out of that relationship, it sounds very unhealthy and detrimental to your children. Good luck.

Turn around and run! Things with his ex will only get worse and escalate as you and he get closer. She could not only ruin yours and his life, but also your kids' lives, as well.

What you describe does not sound like an ex problem. That is the way you see it, the spin you are putting on it. It sounds like people who are sharing the responsibility for their children, even though they are no longer together. To say that a dad's only responsibility after a break-up is on weekends, or every other weekend, is crazy. It may be the norm, but it doesn't mean it is right. Women have a very bad habit of seeing things only from their own perspective. Many of the responses you have received highlight that. This man makes his children a priority in his life. That should be seen as a GOOD thing!!! You have no right to be prioritized above them. They are his children, and he is stepping up to the plate and being a real dad, not a weekend dad. Your comparison to your own ex is quite flawed. Of course your ex doesnt call you for help when he has the kids! He only has them every other weekend! The man you are dating is being a responsible, caring, involved father who is helping to raise his kids as much as possible - A GOOD THING - yet you see it in a negative light. Women always complain that dads don't do enough, yet here is a dad doing more than weekends, and rightly so, and you don't like it because it takes away from you. That is selfish. The kids MUST come first. Let him go. There is no viable future here. This would be a daily issue in your marriage. Marriage is difficult enough when you begin it trouble-free.Your boyfriend is incorrect about marriage. Marriage never fixes anything. If there are problems and issues before a marriage, they will only be exacerbated by marriage. You are not the right woman for this man. You would make his relationship with his ex very difficult, which would bring stress, strain and tension into the lives of everyone concerned. You can't have it both ways. Part of what attracts you to this man is probably the fact that he is a caring, loving father. But you resent the "extra" time he spends with his kids. You see it as his ex being needy instead of as him being more than a weekend dad to his kids. He can no longer win. You will resent his "extra" time with his kids. You will resent his ex calling. Suddenly there is stress and anger and tension, simply because he is being who he is, a good dad. Don't do it. Walk away for the good of everyone involved. Don't become the resentful new wife who makes everything worse. Find a man with no kids or adult kids or kids who are not in the picture.

Hi R.,

It won't be different when you're married because no one will change. You need to either marry the whole package, with your eyes open, or go your separate ways. Remember, you will be marrying him and his ex. Also, look at how the situation will impact your children. That should be your primary concern.

V.

Hi R.,

I agree with the other women. I, too, don't have any experience with this but it sounds like your man needs to figure out who he wants to be with. Imagine if you end up marrying this guy and his ex still being the way she is. He's allowing her to do these things to him, understandably because they have children together. But, his ex has to respect the fact that he's dating you, NOT her. I think it's her way of trying to 'sabotage' your relationship. Tell your man how you feel about everything and tell him he needs to decide if you two should keep dating each other.

Hoping the best for you!

I think it's great he does everything for his kids and runs anytime he is needed by them or their mom. More kids and ex-wives should be blessed with men like him. If that is not what you are willing to sign up for let him go do not continue this relationship to make yourself miserable or his and his kids life miserable do not make him pick. Best of luck to you and your kids.

I don't know about you, but I always vowed never to get involved with someone with children for the exact reasons you mentioned. Just remember, should you decide to continue this relationship, this "stuff" will be part of your life until his kids are 18 and then some. Don't think it will be anything different. Good luck with your decision, although I think this is a no brainer...

You should be proud of your boyfriend for being a good Dad. Many Dads just make child support and get the kids when he is "supposed" to. The EX will always be threatened by another woman. You should not expect his situation to match the arrangement you have with your childs father. It's not a perfect world.... Please don't run to the altar. Sounds like you have some chatting to do. Perhaps with the Ex as well. If you are good to her kids, chances are she will realize that you are providing a healthy environment when they are in their father's care.

Well i have read the gauntle from what a bastard you bf must be to what a wonderfully dad he is. Other than asking alot of your mans time to be with his children I'm not totally sure what all the issues are with the monster ex and honesty he should be there for his children in everyway possible, more dads should be like that and fewer moms hurtung fathers where it counts by removing their children from their lifes as much as possible and using children as pawns to inflict pain on others. How many mother sacrific them self to prove they can do all alone and how may father on the other side relish being a part time parent in what is a life long commitment. I mean really how many dads barely know their children cause the only see them the odd weekend and a rare holiday?

My question would be does he put you on hold and ignore your needs in the relationship? Do you guys lack communtication with each other, while he keeps it with the ex? Is he neglegtful or mean to you or your children in anyway? If you answered yes to these then hun step down the road. If him being a good dad and haveing a high level of contact with his kids and doing things for his children in everyay he can the only issue? Well hun the issue is not him or his ex it you and your fear an insecurities. Yeah he may need to have boundries with his ex but you need to figure out why you fell so threated by his kids and ex. The dynamics of every split whith children involved is different what you and your ex have is going to be different from him and his.

Hi Rene:
I empathize with your situation.Its difficult enough, adjusting to your new life,and the added responsibilities,that now lie ahead for you. I understand to well,the commitment,dedication,and hard work,that goes into raising your children alone.I raised my sons.Depending on ones personality,separation and (loneliness)are a common fear during a divorce.I am old enough now to find (some) humor in that statement, as during this time in my life I welcome all the solitude and (alone) time I can get! : ) As human beings,we all fear the absense of human contact,and feelings of insecurity.In a divorce,regardless of who was at fault,there is always a sense of failure.Our deepest regret,is that we failed our children.Both partners feel A tremendous amount of (GUILT). Your boyfriends (girl) is not as needy as you believe her to be.Quite the contrary.(Shes clever).She is manipulating him,by (playing) on his feelings of regret and guilt.She,like so many other thoughtless individuals, is using those children as a tool. She is to angry,hurt and self-absorbed to consider the concequences of her actions. Believe me, up the road she'll be filled with regret.R.,A marriage licence,isn't going to resolve any of this.It certainly won't stop his girl from continuing her (quest).As a matter of fact, it may give her reason to create even more havoc in your lives.You need to make some tough decisions,and soon.It's obvious,that your children are not in need of a (father figure). They have a father that loves them, is spending time with them and assisting in raising them.You sound like a young woman,with a pretty good head on her shoulders and I believe that you have your childrens best interest at heart.You need to think about whats going to be best for you and those kids.Will they benifit from this relationship?Will they tire of the turmol,and eventually want to go live with their father? They have no voice,therefore they depend on you,their mother to do what is right (for them). You must think about how you and your kids lives will be ten years from now.Will your boyfriend continue to allow this girl to manipulate him? You also have to think about the difficulty of separation from his children, after building a loving bond with them.The longer you wait,the more tramatic. You know, R.. Sometimes, when our own heart is breaking,we find comfort in trying to heal or help others.Sadly,we can forget about our own happiness in the process. Take the time, to sit and do some soul searching. Think about (you and your childrens happiness.)I wish you the best.J.

Hi R.: He's doing what he's supposed to be doing--parenting his kids 24/7 whether it's his weekend or not. He dropped the ball by not marrying their mom and making a family for them or avoiding having kids in the first place by not sleeping with a woman with emotional problems. He is trying to make up for it by being a good dad and covering for her shortcomings. He doesn't need to divide his time by marrying you and you don't need to shortchange your own kids by marrying him and taking on his responsibilities. My advice is to devote 100% of your time and energy to raising your boys. He should do the same for his kids. Date when the kids are grown and on their own. Don't make them lose time and attention from you for the sake of a guy who isn't their dad.

Mary

His kids come first, and you have a choice to make. Either step back and let them come first without complaining or end the relationship and tell him simply that you want to be with someone who doesn't have other obligations. You are the adult here, and he shouldn't have to put his kids behind you just because you want more time with him. I'm sure you wouldn't put your children behind him....

From grandmatellall...R. a wedding will not fix any existing problems. These issues need to be addressed prior
to a marriage. The four adults need to work on the issues
and create the best possible emotional and physical life for
the children envolved....remember...marriage may last a
specific amount of time...but divorced is for life!

Okay R.;

Huge red flag if he says things will be different if married. I DON'T THINK SO!

Does the ex have someone in her life. I bet that would make a huge difference. Also communication with the wife does not have to be constant especially if the kids are with him so much. You can discuss schedules via email and or homework and projects due etc. Maybe that could be a good option.

Being a good Dad and letting the ex manipulate him are two different things. He needs to sit down the ex and state he is in the process of setting up a household with his kids and your family. He wants to be available for inquiries concerning the kids but he is not her signifcant other.

Be prepared because it may never work out and you may need to move on. You really want him to do this because he realizes it is necessary not because you want him too. It has to be his decision or it will never work. Marriage can be complicated enough without extra pressure from ex's etc.

Good Luck1

S. Chase

If it's not fixed before the marriage it will for sure not be fixed after the marriage. It could even be worse. You want and need a relationship in which you are comfortable with him and his kids. Do you honestly think everything will just fall into place just because you have a piece of paper? I feel you pretty much know the answers to your question. I am a divorced woman, but not dating yet. You have to say to yourself what is best for me and my children. You didn't mention if all the children got along or not. And how does he interact with your children. I don't know if you believe in God, but when I feel things aren't going well I look to God for guidance.
C.

R.,

I understand what you are going thru. My ex was too much like his ex.

I can't tell you how many times I had to cancel plans because he "forgot it was his weekend". He was always late to pick her up - still is. Something always came up. It wasn't having my daughter that was hard, it was the last minute changing of everything. And the hurt she dind't want to acknowledge. Now we figure he is not coming and Gee, what a nice surprise when he does. That helped, no more dissapointment because he didn't show up today.

It never really got better. As she got older, she would call him the night before to see if he was still coming. It helped some.

His father told me years ago, don't be there when he does it. Don't run to the day care and not pick her up when he forgets. Don't rescue him. I told him I couldn't do that, and admited he wouldn't be able to do that either.

Unless he is able to set boundries - I am happy to have my children anytime, but I need X much notice. If you are going out of town, tell her and then do it. Or unless he changes it so he gets them every weekend and you can just plan on it. It will not change. Some people do not accept boundries - I would not hold my breath on it changing.

It is important though, that they know there father is there for them. They may not show it, feeling disloyal to their mom, but it hurts them too when she does this. So if you love him and his children, it may be worth dealing with it in the long run, if you can. And that's your real question, is he worth it? Can You deal with a lifetime of it?

You are absolutely right. Though he has communication necessary with shared children, when they are with you they are with you and AWAY from her. When they are with her they are away from you and with HER. It's her responsibilty to mother them without him if they are not presently together. The children get confused from this also. They need to understand each household and they will follow accordingly. They like to have set boundaries and rules, it's their security and confidence. These two adults are behaving the same way as when they lived together. Nothing changed except the sleeping arrangements. I know that just got you mad, and you should be. When people break off something you have to do it completely. It is not fair to YOU especially, and the intimacy should be YOURS. Intimacy does not mean sex. It is a sharing on a very persona level...from your feelings to daily dealings. She should not be included or informed of his daily dealings. Honey, that to me, is a kind of affair.
I'm sorry if this got your adrenalen going, but it should. I am the mother of two girls. One is 15 and ond is 3. I do this all by myself. With my baby's dad(when I was with him)he did this to me at first with his x wife. One time he even went down south and spent Halloween with her and their kids. What it boiled down to is that I LET IT. That is a form of such arrogance and selfishness and most of all disrespect for me. Eventually after 7 yrs and a baby later, he's out of the picture, never even enquiring about his baby or even knowing where we are or if she's even alive. I am so thankful he's gone.
I went into me at the end but my point was, insist on the respect and the boundaries. Most of all, it is better for the CHILDREN, and that's the most important of all.

Wendy

He already messed up his kids life by getting divorced in the first place. No balance about it. He should be focused on his kids and not be in a relationship till they are older. Easier said than done maybe but the sad truth.

You need to decide if he is worth the issues that you don't agree with because his issues, are his issues. If he is worth it, then you don't get a say so unless he asks. If not, then tell him you are friends and couldn't be more. I know it sounds easy - and it isn't. However, if you don't see a future, what are you doing? We women think "oh, we can change this/that in him"....and the end result is no. Only he can change him and you can change you. God Bless!

Whatever is bad when you're dating only gets magnified when you're married. It may be so bad right now that you think it can't get worse in marriage, but that's not true. It will get worse! Just count it a blessing that you can see it so clearly before you try to blend your 2 families together. Now trust your instincts.

If you have doubts now, end it!!

"He talks about how if we were married how it would be different." No - it never, NEVER will. And if she is difficult now it will be worse when he re-marries and the ex realizes that she has lost him for good and she will torture him and you and your children for life. And when the kids are caught in the middle of this they will begin to hate and resent the adult who can harm them the least - you. They can't act out against Mom and Dad, but they can and will against you and yours. I would say good bye now, let every body go home and take care of their children and think about dating after all the children have grown up and left the house.

I don't know how old his kids are, but try to think of the future and your children with him and his "ex" your lives. There will be Kindergarten graduations; Elementary school awards/programs; middle school sports, music, awards, programs; high school awards, plays, concerts, graduation, dating issues; college choices, funding, and think waaaaay ahead 20 years into the future. He and his "ex" may be grandparents. Do you want this woman in your life for the rest of your life with this man? He will always be the kids' father, so she will always be in the picture.

He needs to set some boundaries with his "ex", you need to decide if this relationship between the two of them is worth the relationship you have with him.

Hello,

I don't know if you're going to take my advise, but I try to do my best. (Little about me) I'm a psychologist, married for almost 17 years, and have two kids... Well here I go, you are trapped in a relationship! I don't know if you love your men, but one thing's for sure, he got his priorities straight, and you have the proof of that. First, he feel guilty about the separation and the effects that's going to have on his kids, that's why he is always available, and don't take me wrong, that's great for their kids, but not for YOU!! So he have to deal with his own stuff first. And how your kids feel about him?
Anyway the only advice that I can give you for sure it's that nothing is going to change, with time it only gets worst... A marriage certificate doesn't say anything, he says that because he needs to buy more time (sorry). Maybe it could be worst, because he was never married and the ex (how do you think she is going to feel about it? ) she is going to make it worst..
Finally, you have also to get your priorities, and I think you are out of the picture, you need to do something for YOUR SELF other than taking care of your kids, and trying to figure out him!
Well girl, take care of your self, and the best of luck!!!!