Custody Agreement Question

This is a no win situation and most times the only person who suffers is the child. I just dealt with this at my daycare and trust me the child knows and feels what is going on. I think you need to help your daughter through her emotions, rather then make suggestions to dad right now. Unless he is harming your child, I am sure it is all the changes in her life that are effecting her. She need to be able to discuss them and deal with her emotions which at her age is very difficult to do. Children cry when they are dropped off at daycare sometimes out of no where. Especially on Monday mornings no matter who drops them off. It can come out of no where and with children who have been in school for many years. Children go through phases and they do not always know how to process their feelings. I am sure she is feeling the tension between you and her dad, and unfortunately he isn't going to go away. So as a child of divorce, and divorced myself, I can tell you that you will never have control of what your ex does, but you can control how you react. You sound like a great mom, but you have to realize that emotions are high right now, and this is all brand new. You ex isn't going to take any suggestions from you even if it is in the best interest of your child because he is pissed off, and he feels you no longer have any right to tell him what to do. I know it's wrong but I am sure that is what he is thinking. And he is going to fight you. Most men just don't get it and of course we carry the burden of consoling our children and doing damage control. I would get your daughter into counseling. It will be a way for her to talk to someone who is neutral, and she help her get through her emotions. I know as a mom it was soooo hard for me to watch my son go through the roller coaster his dad put us on. My son is now 25 and he still has issues of self esteem and although I always put his emotions first I couldn't control the damage his father did. I could only help him through. If you have to go for counseling yourself do it, it helped me tremendously, and taught me ways to help my child. I hope this helps. I would put the money into counseling rather then give the money to lawyers. Good luck and hang in there!!

I don't think you need to do anything about this RIGHT NOW. However, I feel like I should point a couple things out to you.

Tie-breaking authority is NOT the same as sole legal custody (I know because I had that arrangement and now have sole legal... but that's a whole different story). Yes, ultimately you have the power to make decision even if her dad disagrees, but you ARE required to try and make the decision together. On that particular point, her dad actually IS correct. You needed to tell him you were thinking about moving her, let him offer input, see the new daycare if he chose to, suggest other places, etc. Only if the two of you can't AGREE is there a "tie" to be broken. This goes for medical and religious decisions as well. You don't have the legal right to make unilateral decisions. I don't think you're going to get into much trouble on THIS issue THIS time, but it would serve you well to remember the SPIRIT of your custody order and not just the LETTER of it.

That said, I don't think you were acting out of malice and you can certainly explain yourself in court if it comes to that. But if he's starting a case against you you'll want to do everything you can between now and the time he files a motion to show that you ARE trying to co-parent with him.

HTH
T.

Honestly, it sounds like you are doing the right things--obviously we are hearing only your side of the story but you sound like you have her best interest at heart which is truly what matters most. My husband is a divorce and custody attorney and honestly it sounds like your husband has consulted someone who is asking him to document your actions. I know that is what he advises when he is starting to make a case against someone. I am not sure if you have had lawyers involved yet or not but it wouldn't hurt to discuss this with someone yourself in case he has one. I know my husband talks with people for free prior to taking on the case...you should probably contact someone in your area. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you and your sweet girl.

I would return to the court & petition for supervised visits with dad. Just until you can figure out what is upsetting your child. It seems to be cruel to dad, but your concern is your child's mental & emotional health. Every decision should be made in the child's best interest. Please monitor your child's behavior before & after drop off with dad. What type of mood is she in? What does her body language say?

After reading the other posts, I think there are a couple of things you should do. #1, you need to talk to someone and find out exactly what you custody agreement means, legally and morally. #2, you need to start keeping a notebook of what is going on..........what you are doing, why, and what he is doing......and what your child is going through.....include the crying, but at this point, that is pretty natural. Make sure you put the date and the time that the issues happened.....this is something you can use in court if needed.

I agree that you should probably talk to a lawyer even if it's Legal aid, AND if you don't like the legal aid lawyer, ask them to let you see a different one.....find someone you feel comfortable with.

Do you have any proof that he was abusive? If not, you might want to keep track of anything he does now that might fall under that heading.....

I also believe you need to get sole custody if at all possible..........

I wish you well, good luck and take care.

I think that his bitter reaction is "typical " I don't think that men understand that when the relationship ends/ changes with the woman they have children with that they are going to have to have a schedule (most times) to see there child the mother can move away from the area, and they will be paying child support and they will have to deal with another man raising their child( when mom gets into another relationship). I say keep documentation of the daycare incident and everything to follow ,Family court is heart wrenching and costly everything he's doing now is just blowing off steam even if he did get a letter what would that mean/prove? It wouldn't mean that she wasn't going to school he's looking for that moment of uha- gotcha! Personally, I know that it gets better and his spitefulness will wear off in time I am sure he feels that every sole decision you make is putting salt in a wound. But he gave up that decision making power when the relationship ended.

His reaction doesn't feel bitter to me. It feels justified. Divorced or not, both parents have a say in the child's life. Unilateral decisions would feel bad to me too. As to the visitation drop-off, I don't agree that the solution is a Sunday drop off. Is it possible she's crying because she misses her daddy? In other words, it's not some issue with his attitude, she just misses him? Which is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

I would talk with him and discuss your options. Maybe just sitting down and talking with your child together would help. Show her that no matter what, she can love you BOTH and that she will be loved by you BOTH at all times.

Trust me, I understand where you are right now. I've been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I made it my primary goal to work with their dad. I allowed many things that most people would think crazy because that worked for us and for the kids. (Odd hour visitations, extremely flexible hours, etc.)

The only way I could justify getting in the way of visitation is if you truly believe he is being physically or emotionally abusive. I know you mentioned you left for that reason. If there's more to that story, then please ignore my opinion above.

From what you've written, I'd imagine he's taking a defensive position (I would too). Unless you want to talk through a lawyer the rest of your child's life, I'd suggest you work really hard to reassure him you'll work together from now on.

I might say to him - "I felt surprised hearing you spoke to the director at the old daycare. I don't want to fight, especially where our daughter is concerned. I'm sorry I made that decision without you. What do you think?"

As for the visitation: "I feel concerned. Our daughter is crying in the afternoons when she's dropped off after her visits with you. I don't want her to be so upset. What do you think?"

Let him come up with some ideas. Let him be the man and figure it out. Don't fight with him. Simply work together and try different things to find what works.

Good luck!