Considering Having 10 Year Old Daughter Repeat 5Th Grade Next Year

i had mine repeat a grade - well it was in Montessori, so the "stigma" was not there, but the improvement i saw - all around not only in troubled subjects, but in social situations as well was amazing. go for it!
Good Luck
V.

Have someone tutor her with the subjects she's having trouble with. I wouldn't recommend holding any child back for a year to repeat a grade unless they were absolutely unable to learn.

I would definitely consider a psycho-educational evaluation, to see if there is a learning difficulty that will not be helped by just holding her back. Dealing with a learning disability can be easier than the social consequences of being held back, even though it may help her academically. And if she's unhappy, she may not do any better either.

my son repeated a grade a couple of years ago. (he repeated 1st grade, now his is finishing 3rd) It was hard for me to adjust, I didn't know there was any kind of concern until March of that year. If she is really having a hard time now it would be easier for her to repeat and maybe be ahead of the class, then struggling to keep up. It might eventually effect her self esteem. With my son it ended up being really good for him. Sometimes being a mom is the toughess jobs, how do know what is best? I'd listen to your gut and heart. She will make friends just like if she was going to a new school. Think of, if it will help her with future, because isn't that the most important part to look at.
Good luck.

Is there any way that she can switch schools? I know that sounds odd, but it will be emotionally hard on her to watch her friends go forward and her stay behind. The kids that she will be in 5th grade with next year might tease her about still being there. My husband was help back in 4th grade and still recalls how hard it was on him when the kids taunted him about being slow/stupid ~ everyone knew he was held back. Switching schools will give her the social aspect of not being the student that was held back, she will just be the new kid in 5th grade. It sounds like you already have made the choice to repeat 5th grade, I would try to find a way to make this easier on your daughter for the social aspect of it, so she will get the educational aspect too. God bless and good luck.

By all means keep her back....I say that as a former elementary school teacher AND as a mom. I kept my twins back in the 1st grade due to the same thing....late December birthday and the fact they just weren't getting the spanish piece my oldest daughter got. My twins were in the immersion class speaking English to one another ... defeating the whole purpose. Neverthless, as a teacher, I saw so many children being prompted to move forward anyway, and struggled so much more in the next grade. Please listen to the teacher and the Kumon tutors...they are only suggesting this in the best interest of your daughter and her future academic environment. I thought it was so unfair when I passed kids on to the next grade knowing in my heart they really should've stayed and "done it again". My children are soooo much more confident and although they complain they could be in the FOURTH grade, they are quite happy and adjusted. I have another friend who kept her twinz back in the 3rd grade...so really, do it while she's still in elementary and it's no big deal. Lastly, I was also 10 in the 5th grade with a late birthday in October. Your daughter will be just fine. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions or need to talk....will gladly help you now that I am a 43 yr old SAHM.
~Blessings,
L.

I can kind of relate with the worry about the social aspect of it (My son repeated K so the social thing was hard, but not as difficult at a 5th grader). I had such a guilt trip about retaining him, got so much "advice" as to why I shouldn't and most of it was because of his friends. I ended up doing it and am glad I did.
Socially, she might have a hard time at first, but she'll eventually adapt. Academically, she'll flourish. I see it this way, a few weeks of social anxiety vs. Possibly the rest of her school years of academic anxiety. Do what you feel would benefit your daughter most even though it's a tough decision. Lots of luck.

I am an elementary school teacher - 5 yrs in- and mosto fo the time retaining a student doesn't help much, esp when they have emotional bonds with their classmates. It would be really great to make sure she has help all summer so she can catch up. There are ways to make it fun for her too. good luck!

C., this is obvioulsy a very hot topic. I am a retired school teacher (special needs) and now a Family Wellness Coach. I see this all the time. My teaching experience was in middle school, mostly the "kids with academic challenges".

I will tell you what I know.

I know that the majority of my students in my "special class" were the younger ones in their grades.

I know that my daughter repeated grade 1 (she was born november 28) but I also had the experience to know that she was too young to move on. Now, in the 7th grade she is one of the oldest in her class, on the honour roll, in the math challenge program - currenlty competing with others across the country, AND that is with us taking a 3 month winter vacation to the carribean.

I know that "holding back" may cause a stigma with children this year, but "moving forward" and being the "last in the class" is worse. Her self esteem is fine now, but what happens with the pressures of being a teenager combine with her struggles in school? *A new school would of course eleviate those challenges.

I know that middle school is a HUGE change from elementary and if she is struggling now, she will continue to do so.

I know that as a parent, it is your responsibilty to do what is right for your child. You described all her struggles. Please do not believe that they will just go away. You already have her in Kumon, they know what they are doing.

C., sometimes being a parent means making the tough choices. Of course she wants to stay with her friends. Of course she doen't want to "hang out with the 4th graders", of course she would be upset. But you, as the parent need to decide what is best. No, you don't have a crystal ball, no you cna't see into the future, but i ask you...

...if you know TODAY that by having her repeat this grade will eleviate many academic struggles for her for the next 5 years which will make her educational career that much more beneficial, then you do it. You just do it.

B.

Definitely do it. You have the advise of two experts who work directly with your child, plus your own experience as well as the advice of many other educators/parents (mamasource).

My now 12 year old also started school at 4- just before turning 5. She had difficulty through all of kindergarten, but I did not have any idea until nearly the end of the school year when her teacher told me she was borderline to advance. She said maybe it was immaturity and maybe she'd ahve an easier time in 1st grade. I was more watchful the following year, but she still did not advance, and at the end of the year I agonized about whether I should hold her back or not. I ended up thinking that I didn't want to stigmatize her so I gave her one more year to "grow" into school, but ended up holding her back in 2nd grade because she was still struggling at the end of that year. At first she was a little "embarassed" but soon enough got over it.

Today she has been tested and is receiving additional small group support through RSP. She is still struggling, but I am glad I held her back when I did, because if I hadn't she'd REALLY be lost.

Good luck to you and your little girl.

Hi C.,

I taught middle school math for over 5 years. Kumon is an excellent program and she should be able to make a lot of headway with them. I have seem a handful of students stay back a year and, frankly, it does more harm than good. I would highly recommend keeping her with her current class and let her know that you are going to work with her over the summer and through middle school to make sure that she gets the help she needs.

I would also highly recommend that you read John Holt's book, 'How Children Learn'. It will give you a better understanding of the situation. Not all kids learn the same things at the same time. That's OK. If you give her the space to excel where she can and discover math in her own time, she will be very successful.

Good luck,
G. B.
www.GilaBrown.com

Hi C.,

After reading all the other responses, I wanted to give you something else to consider. We have come to define education in terms of standards, grades and the "right" college, but we do not teach children to love learning. The concept is not even part of the discussion in education today. I would ask you to consider how you encourage your daughter to enjoy learning about the world and how/if holding her back a grade will impact that.

Good luck,
G.

You know...I would honestly say that it depends on the kind of school she would be going to as well as the kind of school that she's in NOW.

Most middle schools that I know of have different periods. Hence, some kids are in pre-algebra, some in algebra, some in trig, etc. So it's nowhere NEAR as big a deal to be in a different level in math as it is in elementary school. She won't be lost, if she's in a class where everyone is at her level, instead of maybe one or two with her, most everyone else above, and a few who are years above and beyond EVERYONE.

Also, what's her charter school like? Are they up to the average grade level in math? Above? Below? If they're at or above, you may actually have zero problems in middle school. If they're below, and all of the kids are going to be in the lowest math level (aka there wouldn't be a class for your daughter) that could create big problems.

It's always been sort of a personal snobbery of mine that it's cruel and inhumane to put a bunch of kids all going through puberty in one place, together. (Then again, who else wants to have them inflicted on them?) Middle school is a painful battleground, and out of everyone I've ever met, only one or two actually had a good time there. If your daughter has good friends in her class now, regardless of whether you keep her back or send her on, make sure you two keep in contact as much as possible with them. She'll need them to help protect her from the cruelty of other kids.

A few other things to toss into the mix: Dyslexia, Dysgraphia (a disorder similar to dyslexia, but whereas there are no problems reading... writing is difficult to impossible), ADHD (while this -my :)- disorder is soooooo chronically over-diagnosed, girls are actually WAAAAAAY under-diagnosed, in large parts because they tend to do small muscle movements instead of large, and because their minds go into overdrive more often then boys -aka daydreaming-), & Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar).

While in general I am not advocating in either direction (I'm obviously leaning towards her moving on, because she won't be in age-math, but in skill-level-math...and she'll be with people that she knows)...because this is ultimately your decision, I would strongly suggest looking at involving your daughter in the decision.

Consider taking her up to the middle school when you go to talk with them about their curriculum and programs. That way, you'll both be informed.

Best of Luck
R

Well many are recommending she stay back.
You as her Mom feels the same way.
It seems that it is not only "math" that she has trouble with... is her reading/writing/spelling/understanding direction considered on par for her grade level?
If not....then what? How will this impact her (emotionally/mentally) now and in the future if she cannot keep up and gets low grades?
Also, expecting/hoping her to "catch-up" during the summer time is a tall task for a child... can she catch up? Or not?
And yes, math will get harder in the next grade level....what is most beneficial for her, as a "whole" child? Emotions can really play a big part in it as well.

Next, for a child, friends are very important.
Stress is also bound to happen, either way. Stress at school work and stress in knowing she is staying behind, and not able to do math on par with her peers.
Emotionally... you need to gauge her. AND how does she handle "stress?" It can undermine a child, or make them try harder. BUT, do you want that mental/emotional stress upon her?
That is a hard thing to decide....

Next, is her self-esteem and ability to adapt to staying behind. And her "coping skills" at this age and per her personality...

Sometimes, putting more expectations/stress/pressure upon a child can make a child give up & tune out of school. Or it can make them try harder. Each child is different... but do not "dumb down" a child either. It's a hard balancing act.

When I was young, I had a hard time with math. I passed and did fine but it took me EXTRA work... and stress. My Mom, is a Valedictorian Math major in college. She tutored me and got so frustrated with me, because my brain simply did not understand Math well. I HATED doing math with her and just math in general. No matter what she tried, I did not catch on like a rocket scientist. I HATED math... most of my student years. I despised math. Not now as an adult....but most of my child years. And it is a negative memory of mine, something I 'remember' as a child.
So this is also something to think about.

each child has a "maturity" about learning... and an ability... talk with her about it, but not to negatively impact her self-esteem etc.

My daughter started Kindergarten at 4 almost turning 5, as she is late-born. She is now in 1st grade. I do see how the kids that are 1 year older, are perhaps more "able" to do harder school work....but my daughter does well in school and keeps up. I asked this question to her Teacher, if 1 year makes a difference and if "older" kids fare better...but she said no. It depends on the child and their emotional maturity as well.

All the best, I know this is not easy,
Susan

Hi C.,
We held back our son in kindergarten. He has an Oct birthday, and just was not on pace with the rest of his class. In talking with his teacher (who kept her own son back in kindergarten) and with him, we decided to have him repeat. We figured it was going to be a LOT easier to do it early than have to deal with this possibility in a couple of years.
It wasn't until we were faced with this, that I realized that I too probably should have been held back in elementary school. I have a Sept birthday, and I always struggled in school. I loved learning, but the work was always hard, even with tutoring. My mom was going to transfer me to a private school where they wanted to have me repeat 5th grade, but I made such a fuss that in the end she decided not to. In hindsight, I would have loved it if my mom had sent me to another school and had me repeat. Not at the time, mind you, but in the long run, there is no question I would have been better off.

As far as your daughter wanting to stay with her friends, that was my biggest concern too. This is too big a decision to let her make based on who she wants to play with. She will still be able to play with her old friends at recess, etc...plus she will be making a lot of new friends. Put a positive spin on it! Sixth grade is so intense. Math is a HUGE part of the curriculum. My son, who is now in 6th grade (and in the GATE program) has math homework everyday. There is also all the testing for middle school, April and May is filled with STAR testing and math placement testing for middle school.

Do what you think is best for her. You say her self esteem is good, so would holding her back really damage it in more than continuing to struggle in school?

Good luck!

You probably made the same mistake so many of us make in that we think our child is smart and ready for school early.
Definitely you should have waited one year to start her in school, isn't hindsight great.
I would definitely have her repeat the grade. It would be easier if she went to a different school. There is a stigma in being 'held back' and she will be teased and her friends won't be her friends anymore if she is in a lower grade. Girls can be so mean. The alternative is to pass her on to 6th and have her struggle the rest of her school years. Once she gets to 7th and above, school gets harder.
It is a tough decision, but the answer lies in 'what is best for my child'.

I know that it is a hard decision. I have only had experience with this at the school I work for with other children. My son is also a young 4th grader, since he started school at 4 also, but his is always the maturity issue, not his academic skills. It takes him about 5 months for the maturity of the grade he is in to catch up.
I work in resource at an elementary school and it is always a hard decision when it comes to holding a student back. Math is definitely going to get increasingly harder (not my daughter's strong suit either) and that does make them feel more challenged. It did cause us a lot of stress during those two middle school years. I wish I would have gotten her tutoring well before high school. We started at the end of her 8th grade year and she will most definitely need tutoring all through high school. I just know that's what we have to plan for.
Holding them back is a concern. Small school, harder stigma the older they get. This would be the last chance that you would have to make that decision, before middle school would be the best solution. You just need to really weigh the options and not take it all from her emotional stand point. She needs to feel successful and this may be one way to ensure that.
We did have a friend who was going to be held back, they happened to move to another state. She was able to stay in the same grade, but their curriculum in that state was about a year behind, so she was able to do the same curriculum again and it was a huge help to her. California is really a pushy state when it comes to standards, it makes it hard to keep up. Good luck and I hope some of my info helps.

I was a teacher in public school for a few years and currently homeschool my children (they all started age 4). My daughter has struggled in math but is back on top of it. Does your school have combined classes? Where there are two grades in one classroom? That would be the best situation for her, to repeat but be in a class with the older grade. If not, try the repeat grade and see how she does. She'll make new friends and if it's not working out, you can talk with the principal about moving up in the first couple weeks which are mostly review anyway. Good luck!

Hi C.,
I would hold her back. My daughter is also on the young side she is graduating this June from High school at 17. I wish I had been told what benifits there were if I had either started her in school later or held her back. For her academicly she has always held her own but the emotional aspect starting in middle school and through out high school have been hard. She was last to drive her curfew is always earlier then friends she is very responsible for her age but she would have benifited from being the older in the crowd in several situations. If I could do it again I would have given her the gift of another year to be a child. I hope this helps please give her the chance to be the leader & one of the top students instead of having to always struggle in school. Best wishes

I made the mistake of letting my daughter start early to school. She finally caught up when I sent her to private school in junior high. It sounds like you are already giving her every possibility of extra help to catch up. You may want to consider sending her to a new school if you hold her back. That way she can avoid the stigma of being held back. I know how painful it can be to watch your child struggle like this. I had my daughter tested on my own by a child physiologist to rule out learning disabilities. In public school they just passed my daughter along. No child left behind, right. What that means is they will not pay for your child to repeat a grade. I wish I had listened to my mother when she told me not to start my daughter at 4 turning 5 in Oct. She was a grade school teacher and knew better than I. If I were in your place I would listen to her teachers and tutors. They see a lot of kids and have no agenda in holding her back. I think their opinions are very valuable in this case.

I am an elementary school special education teacher and am adamantly against retention. I have read so much research on retention, and almost all of it states that, with the exception of a young kindergarten boy, retention does not work. Studies show that after retention, you will usually see growth in math the first year, and then all problems return. There are also psychological and self-esteem issues that almost always accompany retention, regardless of the age/grade it is done.

What I would suggest instead, is looking into whether she might have a learning disability that is affecting her math progress. If she is not meeting her potential (which seems apparent since she is a good reader and that requires at least average intelligence), she might qualify for free services at her school from a Resource Specialist. All assessment would be free of charge by her school or your local/home elementary school.

Hi C.,
As an educational researcher and teacher of many capacities for 17 years, I can tell you the studies upon studies confirming that holding children back is not effective. This myth is perpetuated by the uneducated, even if they masquerade as "experts" because they have teaching experience. Research will also tell you that interventions or tutoring is useless unless you put in a minimum of 4 to 5 hours a week. I have encountered many students with various learning difficulties. The key is to find the troubled areas and shore up the skills there and connect those skills with new learning. There are many creative ways to get a concept learned, find someone who can assess the troubled areas properly and address them in ways your daughter understands.
Good luck,
Wendy

C. W.
Your daughter sounds a lot like my understanding of mathematics. I am now 53 and still have problems. My grand-daughter was held back and this was to her benefit, so holding your daughter back is not so bad. This will encourage her in her learning and cognitive skills. Things will get better, since the learning curve on children can improve once they pick up the desired skill. To help your daughter with her math skills, help her by having flash cards in the area she needs the most help. All children learn on their own terms, if the understanding is not there, this can hold her up. Maybe even summer school might help focusing on the skills she is having problems with might help.

As a math teacher (7-12th grades) I beg you to have her repeat 5th grade. Since 6th grade would be at a different school anyway, you might want to consider moving her to a different school so she won't have the stigma of being the only one held back (just a thought).

Yes, being a premie has a lot to do with her academic issues since neurologically her brain isn't really as old ad her birthdate indicates.

You really have to be strong as a parent and do what is best for her, not what she says she wants. It only gets worse and its better for her to repeat a grade rather than falling further and further behind and feeling stupid, then giving up altogether. Good luck to you and your daughter.

It may be very hard for her to stay back, but it sounds like it is truly in her best interest. If you go ahead and push her on to 6th grade so that she will be more comfortable, she will probably gradually become more UNcomfortable as she falls further and further behind her friends academically over the next 6 years of school. If you hold her back now she'll surely make new friends and maybe have more time to socialize with them as she probably won't be spending all her time trying to figure out her homework! I would just explain to her that it will be much better as she grows to be held back now, and then expect that she won't understand it, and will probably be upset for while... but later in life she will surely understand and be thankful for you making the adult decision that she as a child certainly can't make on her own.

This sounds like a bigger problem than math. I was a teacher in middle school for 10 years, was a pioneer in the field of dyslexia-dysgraphia, which also often went with problems with math. I had adopted children with many of these same problems. I would suggest that you look into this program: http://www.lindamoodbell.com/

I don't know where you live, but they do have a Center in Orange County. I think this might be more worth your money than the Kumon program. You need to get to the root of why this lack of ability to understand math might be related to not being able to follow directions, and also poor spelling. They have an intensive summer program. I'm not affiliated with them in any way. My grandson had some intensive work with them one summer through the Irvine School District, and it was recommended to him later by a therapist that I had test him as well, although he was not able to do the summer program.

If your daughter had been held back at an earlier age, it would have been better, perhaps, but this is a tough age, and I think particularly for girls. Anyway, just repeating the same thing again won't help if this is a core problem. She will continue to be faced with it year after year. I suggest, again, testing, and then an intensive summer therapy, and the grade may not need to be repeated.

S. Toji

She sounds like a bright kid, as she likes reading and writing -- but because you mention that she has some difficulty following directions, in addition to the challenges she has with math and spelling -- I wonder if you've ever had her evaluated for a learning disability? I know that word is uncomfortable for a lot of parents -- but sometimes-- really bright competent kids, have specific learning issues -- that can get in the way of their taking in information (like an auditory processing issue -- which can make following instructions problematic). It would seem like an important step might be to have her fully evaluated by someone other than her current (small) school -- to fully understand what the challenges she faces are. Because the answer may not be to simply repeat a grade -- and get the same information repeated to her again. She may benefit by identifying what her specific learning issues are -- and getting the support and the tools that could help her in all areas of her life. If she feels that the other kids are "smarter" than her -- she's struggling with more than just math issues. I've worked in education, and find that kids who are struggling academically and discover that they have a learning disability -- are often greatly relieved to understand that its not about other kids being "smarter", but about their own specific learning challenges -- challenges that others have too, and that they can learn how to compensate, cope , and even overcome. I understand the concern you have about holding her back when her friends are continuing on -- but unless you fully understand what her educational issues are -- she'll keep feeling marginal whether she's with them or not. So my vote is for a full evaluation with a child psychologist/center that specializes in learning issues.
Good luck, you sound like a really loving, caring mom, and the fact that she has good self esteem is a real tribute to the solid foundation you've given her. All the best to you!

Holding a child back in 5th grade is pretty rough (friends are well established, she's old enough to think it means she's not smart enough, etc.) If you see an issue with her maturity and are very sure that one more year will be all that it takes to catch her up, then it could be a good thing. Speaking as a 5th grade teacher, 5th grade math is tough! Some of the things they are required to learn I didn't learn until 7th or 8th grade. Also keep in mind that 6th grade builds on 5th grade, but doesn't really introduce many new concepts (just more with the fractions, decimals, and percentages). So if math is her only area of real concern, I might say to just keep working with her tutors and let her continue to 6th grade.

Bottom line, you know your daughter and what would be best for her. Don't let others pressure you into making a decision one way or the other.

Do you think she can catch up? that is the big question. You are the best person to tell if she can do this. If you truely believe that she can do it, she will do it to please you AND stay with her friends. If you and the school and the tutors all really believe she can't do it, then she won't be able to do it no matter how hard she works. She will be working against her problems and all the adults in her life telling her she can't ...
I feel that if you expect and support children at high levels, they will respond by rising to those levels... I know I got very lazy about school work moving between schools to a school that was slower than the first... redoing work can lead to that so easily.
is she going to be at the same school? Can she just repeat the math class? that might be an opption.

good luck
R.

Dear C.,
When considering holding back you must consider not just academic, but social, emotional, even physical size and development. I had fifth grade twice. My birthday was in Nov and I started in Sept so I was the youngest the class. Also I was very small for my age and played with my younger sisters so was really very socially immature...still played with dolls and paper dolls. Others were interested in clothing and boys by the end of 5th grade. It is a really hard decision because middle school will either go well with the changes in teachers for different classes or terrible if she is not ready and mature enough to become organized to handle it. If math is the only area that she is not up to grade in, then perhaps she could go on and realize that math is not her strength and she will need extra help in that area. When she hits high school they usually over remedial classes in specific areas. If she is behind overall, I would consider keeping her back, but maybe changing schools so nobody is aware of it...I do not know if this would be possible. Although I didn't have poor esteem, I did consider myself dumb...which really was not true... and probably was my way of having poor estem. After I was kept back I went from having mostly C and some D, to all B and went on to college. Perhaps another opinion ... perhaps the school psychologist could test her and give you a different perspective. The psychologist also must test a child for them to be in RSP (resource specialist program) and they must test 2 grades below grade level. The other option might be home schooling, but that would pull her from friends also and you would have to make connections with other parents homeschooling for social contacts and outings.
Praying for you as you must make this difficult choice.

Please don't hold her back. At her age the possible damage to her social and emotional well being could stay with her forever. She may not be doing well in math, but is probably a very bright girl and holding her back could make her feel "stupid, slow, weird" or any of the various other labels that are associated with repeating the school year. Keep up the tutoring and the encouragement. She doesn't have to be a math genius now to end up a happy, successful and well adjusted adult later.

This happened to me. I started K at 4 and didn't turn 5 till Thanksgiving... Anyway, I was always 'smart' and did very well in school, but the social stuff was hard on me because I still wanted to play jump rope when the other girls liked boys already.... We moved when I was in 3rd grade so my parents almost held me back then, but didn't want me to get bored with the school work and then kind of give up... Anyway, FINALLY in 8th grade, I went into our principal w/o telling my parents and told her I wasn't going to high school next year that I wanted to stay back. It was THE best decision I could have made. I was able to get more into sports, took different 'honors' classes... flourished throughout highscool & college. I was finally in my 'element' and made friends easily... I am now 33 and still am SOOOO happy I stayed back.

As for your daughter, if her friends are going on to 6th gr. in Jr. High they won't be there to 'tease' her or anything... she'll make new friends the first day of school by recess.

I was a teacher for 8 yrs before I had my son and kids adapt well at her age in terms of friends. About the math & spelling, those shouldn't be the issues she repeats the grade, but sounds like if she does she'll gain a lot of confidence academically that will be good for her.

Both my husband and I were held back in school and we both had very bad experiences with it. Think about how embarrassed your daughter will be when all of her friends return for 6th grade and she is back in 5th...with a whole new set of kids and not a single friend. She may be labeled stupid or slow. Kids can be SO mean. My husband is totally scarred and thinks his Mom made a huge mistake. Get her tutoring help outside of school and do whatever it takes to make it work without holding her back. She is at the age a realism and you may do damage that is irreversible. There has to be another way.

Does your school offer summer school during the summer, so that kids can repeat subjects like English or Math? If she could do that and complete it, then she would have the chance to advance with her peers the next year to 6th grade. If that is not possible, I would agree with the others about changing schools for the next school year. Do not let anyone label her as a failure. Do whatever you can to praise and encourage her and find positives in her academic gains, no matter how small. Let her know that every person is different and some people struggle with things (like math) that come so easily to others. Also, do what you can to make sure that she is involved in some activities in your area to provide socialization ( dance, Girl Scouts, cheerleading, religious activities,etc.) so that if she has to change schools, she can still have opportunities to keep some of the same friends.

Best of luck in this very difficult situation.

It looks like you've gotten some good advice and from teachers who say DO NOT HOLD HER BACK. 5th grade is too old to do that unless she was severely behind in all area and in all ways. I wouldn't hold back it will have repercussions on her that are irreversible.Get her a tutor that she likes to work one on one, twice a week for 1 to 1 and half hours with a little homework to do everyday. Also during the summer. Maybe a teacher would want to make some extra money tutoring her after school from her school if there is someone she is comfortable with a is good at teaching math. Not all teachers are. Good luck D. G

I was having the same issue with my son and my nephew. I didnt want them left behind so I went to the school psych. and we put them on an I.E.P. individulized education plan, well we came to find out that they both had a slight learning disability. Now ever sincce nothing but A's in both Math and spelling, My son is now entering the 8th grade and my nephew the 5th. They both were feeling like failures and this changed them around. They have educational confidence, this has (in my oppinion) given them both za new leash on education they both enjoy homework and school now and are much happier not being theoldest kid in their class because they would have been left behind. I also wanted to say that there have been many studies showing thatstarting school earlier helps children stay out of gangs, drugs and trouble. so starting school at 4 is a good thing. I have a 3 year old thathas been in "school" since he was 1 1/2 my eldest daughter and my middle son also started when they were 4. early is good. God bless keeping faith and asking for God's guidance will also make a change for the best. Again God Bless I know you will make the best decision for your child.

Hi C.,
What if you use that knowledge, about your own experience, to explain the necessity? Maybe tell her how yes, she does need more help with the school work, but that due to your experiences, you need her to be a bit older and wiser and ready for the social, emotional, and physical aspects that middle school will bring. How middle school isn't just a bigger elementary school, but a completely different ball game and you would be kicking yourself if you sent her before she was ready. Let her know how difficult this decision was for you, but that you truly believe it is in her best interests, and you have discussed it with some other adults who are in "the know" and they are in complete agreeance. And her friends will still be there when she gets there the following year, so it isn't a permanent change, and plus, she will get to do all the fun stuff she liked this year, like field trips and projects again next year! I'd not focus on the school work aspect as much, which will give her a way to "save face" when she has to answer the question with her peers. That her M. was a young sixth grader and that do to her struggles, she'd prefer her daughter to be older when she went to middle school, or something like that. Anyway, good luck!

I imagine that your daughter must be in the Student Sucess Team (SST) process if the school is considering retention. Before doing that, has she been tested to see if she qualifies for extra help with a 504 plan or an Individualized Education Plan (IEP)? Perhaps she could be supported in math at grade level by a Resource Specialist Teacher? You can write a letter to the school requesting academic and psychological testing to see if she qualifies.

I believe that 5th grade retention can cause a child a lot of hurt from peers viewing her as a failure and making cruel comments. I wouldn't want that for my child.

It's good to read about your devotion and involvement in her education. She's lucky to have such a loving Mom.

Good luck to you both!

I also have a son who I think doesn't do well in Math as a second grader and I can relate to how you feel and how your daughter would feel, too. It is not very easy to accept by you and esp. your daughter.

My question is.. is it the only subject she's having issues with? If it is, in my own opinion as a mom, I will move her up but will seek a professional tuturing like one on one. Kumon is helpful but your daughter needs more. My kids was also in Kumon but they are not really challenge. I do one on one with my son and may also look for a professional tuturing, too. Good luck.

My son repeated 4th grade and it was definately the right decision for him! It was so hard at the time but he was so overwelmed with school. Now he is in 8th grade and does very well in school, and enjoys it so much more. I think because he feels like he is sucessful. I also have a daughter, and I am not sure the same decision would have been right for her. She stuggles some in math but tries so hard at it. Holding her back would be like saying your best still isn't good enough. Where as my son came to us after much struggle and said I hate this, I can't keep up. It was defineatly the most difficult parenting decision we have had to make. Good luck, Dana
www.scentsy.com/danacarey

Ask your daughter what she wants to do. My son asked to repeat 8th grade because he was having a terrible time both grade wise and socially and he said he was not ready for high school. He was just a couple of weeks from the age cut off date and he would have started 9th grade at age 13. I had wanted to hold him back in 3rd grade but the school district wanted to push him on (he had just gotten out of full time special-ed and was partially mainstreamed). So we talked to the school councilor, the principal, the learning specialists and he was allowed to repeat 8th grade. It was the best thing for him. He grew about six inches, he was more relaxed, his grades improved, and he became more mature. When he started high school he was more ready than he would have been. We had issues in high school, but he graduated, is now at a jc and is working hard. Some children mature more slowly then others. My son also had a learning disability that was not properly diagnosed until he was in college. Now we understand why he had so many problems in the early years. My advice is ask your daughter what she thinks is the problem. Make sure she has no vision or hearing issues. If you think she was a learning disability, ask for an IEP and have her evaluated. If the school district gives you any flack, there are support groups out there on the internet that can guide you. Listen to your child. It sounds like she needs extra help and may have processing issues in her brain. Children can be smart in one area and not in others. I have studied five foreign languages and I could read and write very quickly in three of them, but I had difficulty in hearing the spoken word. By the time I was trying my third language, I realized it was me, not the languages that was the problem. Some children have the same problem. I am a visual person. You just have to find the right combination of techniques that work for your daughter to learn. Tutors might help. Best to get this issue resolved before she starts high school. Good luck.

Hi C.,
It's a hard decision to make but it could make a big difference later on. My daughter is in 7th grade and we are faced with the decision to possibly hold her back and repeat 8th grade in a couple of years instead of moving on to high school. She did okay in elementary but not great, and then really has had a hard time in middle school. It's a very tough time for kids, even those who are doing well. The pressures can be many in many different ways. Academics are only part of the problem. Immaturity overall is almost a bigger predictor of problems. The kids who just aren't able to make good decisions, have good study habits, deal with peer pressure, and look toward planning for their future are not motivated to put in the effort to study hard and improve. A friend of mine's daughter is very immature but she is able to keep up her grades by spending almost all of her evenings and weekends doing homework. She struggles with doing the work, and with focusing on doing the work. She's not having a good time with it and misses so many opportunities to have fun because she is constantly struggling to keep up by doing endless amounts of homework. We have given up pushing our daughter because of the turmoil it creates, and her grades are awful and she is restricted from many activities at school that she loves. She doesn't like the effort it takes her to keep up and so she tries every which way to avoid what it does take to keep up -- doesn't listen in class, doesn't always do classwork, rarely does homework if she can avoid it. Another consideration for you is that once kids move to middle school their social networks change. They find new friends in a much bigger school. They aren't always in the same classes or have the same interests anymore. It might make a whole lot more sense to keep her back now than have to face school struggles later on. The Middle School years are some of the most difficult for kids because there are so many physical, social, and emotional changes that are happening. Even for kids who are mature and doing well it's a tough time. Good luck. It's hard to foresee the future and know what's right. Take a look at how she is in comparison to other kids in her group. Is she less mature than they are? Is she as responsible, thoughtful, and self assured as they are? My daughter isn't and that's what we have to come to terms with in deciding what the best decision is for her.

L.

Hi, I don't feel that your 10yr. old needs to repeat the whole grade. Do some research and hire a tutor for her a couple of hours, 2-3 days a week. My son is in Highschool. He has difficulty in some math and for sure spanish. He goes to tutoring in the morning before classes start, Does she like to be involved in sports?/or does she has some artistic ability? Thats important to keep those gifts alive! I am an older Mom as well, I've been thru alot, Goodluck!

C.,
I'm not sure if your daughter is in a public school that uses the California state mandated math curriculum, or if the charter allows them to use some other math program.
The state mandated text(I believe it's Scott Foresman) is HORRIBLE!!!!!!
But, I have heard that 6th grade state math is pretty much a review of 5th grade state math, so with tutoring, she'll probably be okay even if she doesn't repeat. I would check with your child's teacher on that one and get his/her opinion.
BUT, I would strongly encourage you if you hold her back, and can't put her in a different school to consider homeschooling her.
I have two kids, they have been in private, public, and homeschool. The absolute best education they have had is during the times we have homeschooled, but it hasn't always been possible for me to do it every year. This year they are in public school, and my son in 5th grade did repeat 3rd grade, so he's definitely one of the oldest but it's not a problem. He's actually extremely bright and gets incredible grades. But he had problems with 3rd grade math in public school, and we discovered it was the lousy math curriculum and a teacher who didn't know how to teach math.
We bought our math supplies for homeschooling for his repeat year of 3rd and consequent year of 4th grade from www.sonlight.com
They have several choices for math programs. We used singapore math, which is incredible, but should be started early, it's would be kind of too hard to start it after 2nd grade without knowing how to use their "method". But I know Sonlight sells about 4-5 other math curriculums, which you should look into, maybe even just as a supplement to what your daughter is learning in school.
Hope that helps. Any questions about homeschooling, I'm more than happy to answer them and can refer you to some great resources.
BTW, I will be homeschooling my kids again next year, and am very excited. It's much easier and fruitful than the daily grind of public school.

Okay, Momto M. Has a great idea. I like her thinking and here is why.

My oldest was lazy at 4, her b-day is December 1st, so yes she made the deadline for Kindergarden. But we have a friend that teaches kindergarden and he said if they aren't 5 when school starts hold them back. There is a major difference in the older kids to the younger. And she will be at the top of the class not the bottom. So we held all 3 kids back when starting kindergarden. I think my 2nd child is the only one that would have been fine with going early.

I can't believe that this is the first teacher to suggest this hold back issue.

My 1st was in Smart kids tutoring for 3 years 6th, 7th, 8th we didn't see any real help from them just a lot of money being spent. But they new more math then I did. I use to spend hours doing home work (her class homework then additional work like timestables, and timetable minute testing, spelling words till she knew them backwords and forwards and inside out. She would go to the school to test and get 1 right, I talked to her teacher about this and said look she knows them all I don't know why she misses them. re-test her while I wait. So she did and she got them all right. I guess my daughter just didn't test well with the whole class, it made her nervous. So she would test her with the class then have her friend take her out side and give the test to her again one on one. Then give her the highest score out of the 2 tests). Funny, the nicest teachers she did the worst tests in. The meaner teachers, she did great in. ??????

Have you noticed any patterns in her learning. Change in friends?

I know my 2nd child was smart at birth. Rolled over on day 2, crawled at 4 months, stood up in the middle of the floor at 6 months, walked at 9 months (though they all walked in the 9th month). Always spoke like she was an adult. A straight A student, until she was in a mixed 4 and 5th grade class (By the way don't do it). The teacher was not into reading and not into pushing the kids she just showed up gave the work but didn't teach. We seen a change in our kid from loving to read and loving school to hating it. We brought this up to the teacher, she told us that 4th grade was very different that they weren't kids anymore, and she was letting them find themselves. RED FLAG get your kid out of that class fast. Because when we started 5th grade she went back to being the straight A kid that loved reading and school. We have tried to teach her that just because you don't like the teacher you get to drop back on your grades, sometimes you have to work with these people and make it work.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you chose to hold her back change schools through middle school. Because her friends will change and she doesn't need peer presure on top of this. You need to find out how to help her. I always told my daughter that she was smart her brain just worked different then others. Some people are book smart others are hands on smart and some are street smart. If we were all smart in the same way we would all be the same thing in life. But the world needs all different types to make it work. We need Farmers, doctors, lawyers, we also need assisstants, nurses, and secretaries. It's up to you to help her find her nitch in life that's why she was sent to you, your the best mom for her. If you haven't seen a great improvement in her grades then take her out of the tutoring class. Your paying them to do nothing. Go to the high school and pay a tutor from their to help her, to look over her work and help her to understand it better. Sometimes kids are the best teachers. Look at all the stuff they learn from their class mates that we don't want them to learn. Have you ever helped her with homework, watched her to see how her brain is working? Sometimes having her do homework with a smarter friend helps. Because if she doesn't get something the teacher taught in school the smarter kid can explain it better, in kid talk. Help her find her nitch. I never helped my daughter in 10, 11 & 12 grade, she was a A & B student with the hard math, sometimes a C but she would talk to the teacher more openly about the grades and learned that talking to the teacher after class helped, sometimes the teacher would repeat the lesson for a few minutes with a kid who understood it the first time. This way the kid was teaching it, and the other kids had no idea what was really going on. But my daughter could catch on and node to the teacher that she got it, without anyone else knowing. She finally figured out how to help herself.

Check into Momto M's stuff. See what you can do before having to make this final decision. This is a tough one. Just figure out how her brain works. I'm sure she is brilliant you just got to find out, in what. Good luck to you. J. P.

Have you thought about testing her for learning issues? Given your description of her learning patterns it might be worth your while. If I were you I'd have it done privately - lawsuits have barred the public schools from giving some very important diagnostic tests. Good luck.

Hi C.,
I was a teacher for 17 years and I know how challenging this decision is for you. However, I also know how hard 6th grade is. I have watched students come into my class (with a recommended retention) only to give-up a few months later due to the challenging content.
Is it possible you can transfer her to a different school so she doesn't have to deal with the embarrassment of repeating a grade? When I have made recommendations for retention for past students, I also made the recommendation to transfer, and that seems to save a lot of heartache.
Best of luck in your decision.

It's a tough decision for sure, but the teacher is right, the math does get more and more difficult. If you are mostly worried about her being able to make new friends, you'd be surprised how fast kids adjust. I am a teacher and I see new kids arrive during the year, and most of them adjust and make friends within the first few days. She's your dsughter and you know her the best, but if you think it will benefit her in the long-run I think you need to consider it. She still has middle school and high school math to tackle. I would also look inot tutoring in math outside of the school day. She may just need some one on one to get some foundational concepts. Good Luck! I am sure you will make the right decision for her. :)

I'd put in a vote for holding her back. I have taught middle school and it really does matter if she doesn't know her basic math and what seems like minor spelling and reading issues aren't... they are major.
I really like the idea of putting her at a new school where the kids won't know that she was held back. If she doesn't know the fourth graders at her current school then it won't matter which of the two classes she's in. SOCIAL is NOT a reason to not hold her back.

Ps... Kumon is not all that great... worksheet tutors is what they are known as in the industry.

Hi C.,

I read these stories all the time and have never responded until now. I also have a daughter that started school at 4 and her teacher also recommended that i hold her back but it was in first grade which was a lot easier than fifth grade. I do however regret it and she is now 17 and a high school junior. I asked her opinion and she also said not to do it. There are other options to help her catch up too you can put her in RSP for only the subject she is falling behind in. They mainstream her for all other classes. At her age it could do more damage than help. She may always struggle with math not every student is an A student all kids are different and learn in different ways. Take this in to concideration and you do have other options. And even though i held my daughter back she still struggles so that isn't a for sure cure. Thanks for listening!

C.:
I am very surprised that her school recommended holding her back at this age. Have they done any tests on her to see if she has a learning disability or have they done an SST or does she have an IEP? It can be very hard on a child's self esteem to be held back but you have to do what is best for the child. How is she socially? If I were to hold a child back I would not put her in the same school but opt for a different school that also feeds into the same middle school. That way she will know some children the following year and will not have the stigma of being held back and everyone knowing about it.