Completely Defiant 3 Year Old

This is the best article I've read on helping me communicate with my children:

25 WAYS TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN
A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk to others. Here are some talking tips we have learned with our children:
1. Connect before you direct
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.
2. Address the child
Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."
3. Stay brief
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.
4. Stay simple
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.
5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.
6. Make an offer the child can't refuse
You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play." Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.
7. Be positive
Instead of "no running," try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run."
8. Begin your directives with "I want."
Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." Instead of "Let Becky have a turn," say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered. By saying "I want," you give a reason for compliance rather than just an order.
9. "When...then."
"When you get your teeth brushed, then we'll begin the story." "When your work is finished, then you can watch TV." "When," which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if," which suggests that the child has a choice when you don't mean to give him one.
10. Legs first, mouth second
Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child's interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV. Going to your child conveys you're serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.
11. Give choices
"Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?" "Red shirt or blue one?"
12. Speak developmentally correctly
The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your directives should be. Consider your child's level of understanding. For example, a common error parents make is asking a three-year- old, "Why did you do that?" Most adults can't always answer that question about their behavior. Try instead, "Let's talk about what you did."
13. Speak socially correctly
Even a two-year-old can learn "please." Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn't feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.
14. Speak psychologically correctly
Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put the child on the defensive. "You" messages make a child clam up. "I" messages are non-accusing. Instead of "You'd better do this..." or "You must...," try "I would like...." or "I am so pleased when you..." Instead of "You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clear the table." Don't ask a leading question when a negative answer is not an option. "Will you please pick up your coat?" Just say, "Pick up your coat, please."
15. Write it
Reminders can evolve into nagging so easily, especially for preteens who feel being told things puts them in the slave category. Without saying a word you can communicate anything you need said. Talk with a pad and pencil. Leave humorous notes for your child. Then sit back and watch it happen.
16. Talk the child down
The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him.
17. Settle the listener
Before giving your directive, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.
18. Replay your message
Toddlers need to be told a thousand times. Children under two have difficulty internalizing your directives. Most three- year-olds begin to internalize directives so that what you ask begins to sink in. Do less and less repeating as your child gets older. Preteens regard repetition as nagging.
19. Let your child complete the thought
Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try: "Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in the blanks is more likely to create a lasting lesson.
20. Use rhyme rules.
"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.
21. Give likable alternatives
You can't go by yourself to the park; but you can play in the neighbor's yard.
22. Give advance notice
"We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls…"
23. Open up a closed child
Carefully chosen phrases open up closed little minds and mouths. Stick to topics that you know your child gets excited about. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no. Stick to specifics. Instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun thing you did today?"
24. Use "When you…I feel…because…"
When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.
25. Close the discussion
If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry." You'll save wear and tear on both you and your child. Reserve your "I mean business" tone of voice for when you do.

It takes 2 to argue. If you engage her in a screaming match, everyone loses and ends up upset. I speak from experience.

My oldest is almost 5 and sounds JUST like your daughter. I finally realized that she LIKED when we would yell at each other because it made her feel like an equal - a BAD idea! lol So, I stopped. I didn't even raise my voice and if she refused to do something, I would just ask "what did mommy ask you to do?" and she'd either just do it or tell me what I asked her to do. Then I'd ask "and are you listening?" and then she'd say "no" and then go and do it. It took a while and a LOT of self-control, but it's paid off. Our house is mostly peaceful and pleasant.....now if only I could get my husband to do the same! lol

For a willful child, I suggest giving her a little more control unless you want to spend your life battling.

If she wants to read a book while she's in nap time, what's wrong with that? Hopefully she will fall asleep while reading. Promoting books is a good thing.
As long as she stays in her bed.

I think it's possible you might be trying to control things just a little too much...

Would you really rather be yelling and fighting with her, instead of just letting her read a book in her bed? If she's tired, she'll fall asleep. Remember the purpose of nap time.

I agree - natural consequences have more power than time outs with strong willed kids. For mine, if she leaves markers out - we put them up for the day/or two... I also try to give her choices when I can. Avoid the argument - don't engage in the debate - once that's started - they win. It's tough, just keep calm (which I know is sometimes near impossible). One time I told her - I need a time out... went to the bathroom for a 2 minute deep breathing session. Set clear expectations on critical things... other times, give the choice. Nap or stay in room and read quietly. If tired that night - that's the natural consequence of not napping, and she can go to bed early. Good luck and hang in there.

Natural consequences. Your daughter sounds like mine. My daughter had her developmental milestones early and would get like your daughter. How to talk so kids will listen has picture scenarios and general scenarios in the text on different ways to talk to kids so they listen. As soon as you said no she probably stopped listening. I would read how to parent the strong willed child, that's what they are. She sounds like she is advanced for her age and needs a lot of why do I need to do this data lol. She will test you and keep testing, that's what my little one does. Natural consequences "throw something, you can't play with it for 10 mins or a day" etc sinks in better with strong willed kids. If she is freaked out by being alone in her room then DON'T leave the poor girl in her room alone, she was probably genuinely scared. I would say pick your battles. Obviously we don't want kids to keep demanding books, etc but if she likes books tell her go get in bed and I will read ONE book to you, win-win. Yelling, carrying on is a natural human instinct (well anything alive instinct) that has to be taught control over. Teach her how to express anger, but in the bedtime case you will not be able to teach her not to freak out when she is scared. Kids have vivid imaginations and if she is scared of that then comfort her... honestly that will take some reversal direction b/c every time you lock her in her room and yell at her or whatever the trust between y'all is crumbling a little. If she is scared and you reject it then she learns she can't trust you when she is scared.

Rosebud has a good idea to read as long as you are in bed. And at 3 she may not need naps or take naps anymore. Sometimes they need it but just won't take it. You can't force sleep :)

So What happened:

Everything I said above still stands. Babe, every toddler says no to everything their parents says until it's nipped. I assumed she wanted you to read it and my suggestion to read one book to her still stands. Watching 40 mins of tv is quiet time, do you just lay in bed staring at the ceiling? No one can do that, let alone a child. That is an unrealistic expectation. This is a battle you can't win because no one can just lay there in bed for however long with no intention of sleeping, it's boring and mind-numbing. I would play the videos, she can chill by herself, and then let her read or get out. Quiet time shouldn't be more than 40 mins- 1 hour, it's not as long as nap time used to be. I really think that you should think about what quiet time is. If you need a break, buy a Franklin dvd (nick jr show) and play it for 30 mins- an hour. Educational tv shows don't hurt kids lol and it is better than trying to force her to lay down with no intent on sleeping. With the bedtime/quiet time thing I don't think she is being defiant, I think the expectations are unrealistic. You will have years of battles ahead of you if you don't learn how to talk so she will listen (the book I mentioned above) and think about whether the expectations are honestly realistic... I'm an adult and I couldn't do that.

I agree with Lesley, when you start yelling. First off, she probably stopped listening. Secondly, it is probably fun to her. You are no longer the authority figure... you are now an equal to her that she can yell with. Either that or like I said above the trust between you and her will start getting some serious damage. Give her as many options as possible and option A/option B both have to be something you are okay with.

In your post you said: "Because she is an only child and because I don't want to stifle her, I say yes whenever possible". This has gotten her used to getting her own way. If she is a smart as she seems to be, she knows fully well that you don't want to "stifle" her, and kids in general want there own way. a smart kid learns very young how to manipulate. Stop saying yes just to keep the peace. She won't like it, and she will fight it, but if you are consistent and firm, she will eventually learn that no means no.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone! My 3 1/2 son is very strong-willed and is constantly testing our limits. I'm a teacher and pride myself on strong discipline, clear expectations and consequences -- yet he tries us almost every day and sometimes repeatedly.
I read 1-2-3 Magic and it has helped us. I agree with the Mom that said not to cause battles over food, sleep, potty... little people have so little else that they can control. (Spoken from a Mom that had to give her son suppositories to get him to #2 because he didn't want to!)
My son turns 4 at the end of November... his behavior has started to come around lately... I have an almost 6 year old daughter that never tested us this way! Terrible 2's is a mis-nomer... it should be the terrible 3's!
We will survive!

I've been through this twice (actually still going through it) and I have two pieces of advice. First, pick your battles. You can't make them sleep, eat or go to the bathroom. Those areas are their choice and the more you respect that, the further you'll get. I promise, they will not be doing all the things that drive you nuts by the time they get out of high school. At least, not the same things.

In other areas, if it's truly worth drawing a line (safety, respect for others and property, general respect) then make simple, consistent rules and simple consistent consequences. With my oldest, I actually posted house rules on the fridge--for me. It helped me decide what was worth going to the mat over. In our house, if you hit or yell, you get a time out. Not doing what you're told is a warning then a time out.(Serious stuff here.) Throwing means the toy goes away for a day. Not listening at the pool means no pool the next day. That's pretty much it.

Sorry if I repeated, I didn't have time to read the answers. But since I'm just coming out of this with my youngest, I really feel your pain! It will pass.

BTW, I let him do whatever he wants during quiet time. Sometimes he reads/sleeps, mostly not. he knows to be quiet and stay in his room unless it's serious. We both still need it, especially since I'm a WAHM!

Maybe she has an auditory processing disorder where she really doesn't process the meaning of what you are saying. If she does, then you need to take back your parenting and not let her have her way with ANYTHING! You give the two choices and she makes a choice. If she doesn't then you make it for her. Take a STEP class. It will teach you how to parent when the rough gets going.