Children - Boonton,NJ

I think you are better off letting your husband do all the work. Stop being his mom and start being his wife! I know I have the exact same situatution, except I knew the day the child was born, and we had been married a year! It has been HELL! But, it is his child, his screw up, his blessing and his burden to care for. Not your dilemma! It is his and his alone!

I disagree w/the posters who say you shouldn't act like his mother. I look at it as doing it for your own children. I have actually had the same situation... my father had a daughter that he found out about when I was in the 8th grade. I think it's very important that you also be involved in the situation and don't show the kids any signs of discomfort or it will cause them discomfort too. She is there sister, and through no fault of her own so it's very important to welcome her into your home and teach your children that she is there family, although it came about in a way that is less than ideal.

I would say he needs to build a relationship with her first, and then bring her around the kids and you to make it a comfortable family situation. The main focus needs to be making her and your kids comfortable to work on building a relationship.

Good luck, and if you have any questions about feelings or how my situation was handled and what could have been done to make it better or anything please don't hesitate to send me a message.

Good luck!

Your husband did ask if it was possible if the child was his and was told no so he did at least attempt to find out. He should have done the math, knew it was possible and demanded to find out for sure. That of course is now hindsight.

Now that he knows, he needs to try to have as much of a relationship with her as she wants and he is able. It should include you (her stepmother) and your children (her siblings). You and your husband need to let her know that he did not try to be uninvolved but rather just didn't know she was his AND you hold no hard feelings towards her. She is an adult so outside of running into her mother at big/special events you would have no reason to have dealings with her mother. You also need to talk to your children and see what they are feeling and explain that while it is ok for them to feel the way they do, they should not take it out on their sister...she is also a victim in all of this and ignoring her is not acceptable...they are old enough to behave properly.

*She is an adult and does not need a father in the same way she did when she was growing up. He should probably take her to dinner and have a heart to heart with her and ask her what kind of a relationship she wants. Now that they both know, they should work together on this relationship. He should also have a heart to heart w/ the other kids too. Then pick a day to have them all together for lunch or dinner...something.

Your children are pretty young to be so disillusioned by their father. Though it was well before they were born, it will never be easy for them to accept not only was their father unfaithful to their mother, but they have not been the first and second born as they have believed all their lives. Don't force it. They either will or will not come to accept this new sister on their own.

As for you, I would recommend a very careful middle road. Be a supportive wife (if that is still your wish.) Be protective of your children, who are suffering. And don't go out of your way to be too chummy with this woman who withheld this information for 21 years. Good luck to your family.

**** As for the "other daughter".... it may be that she was hoping for more herself. Many have asked me why I don't pursue finding my own father (very different circumstances) and I answer that I have no hole in my life that I would hope to fill with such a relationship. Even had I a feeling of emptiness, I have no belief that my biological father would have any ability to fill that. This girl may have had some unrealistic hopes about what meeting her father would mean. She's entitled to put him through his paces. He's got 21 years lost with her. If he wants to be a father to her, he's got a long way to go to earn it.

I think you should follow your husband's lead. It is his child after all. Through your entire post (all caps... please fix that) you did not mention one time what your husband's feelings or reaction was to any of this. What does HE think?

This is really your husband's issue and his call. Of course you have a stake in it, but this happened long ago and the "child" in question is actually a grown woman now. I certainly don't think you need to call her or her mother. Ask your husband what he's going to do in regards to a relationship with her and go from there. Your children don't have to have anything to do with her, but I'm sure it would really help if their dad sat down with them and discussed the whole situation, including his plans and desires. He needs to do the same with this young woman. It may be in everyone's best interest for them to have their own relationship, but that's something you'll all have to work through over time.

I'd start off right at the basics and have your hubby and the 'daughter' take a dna test before this goes too far. If the girl's mother lied 21 yrs ago about your hubby not being the baby's father then she could be telling another lie now by saying he is.

Once it's established that yes indeed she is his daughter then I'd plan a couple outings with your children and their new half sister. Make it something that your children like. You can't force a relationship and it's understandable that your own children question how this could have happened and what impact it will have on their lives. Take things slowly and they'll come around.

You sound like a wonderful, generous person. Call her, let her know you are there and while you want your kids to have a relationship with their half-sib, it is going to take some time. Maybe the two of you can come up with a plan to help all three kids through this.

Let your husband lead the way. Let him get to know her, and while that is happening give your kids time to adjust to the change. I think you should also all check into some counseling, especially for the kids so they have a safe place to work through their feelings about all of this. It might also be nice for you to make contact with this girl, rather a call or a letter, just to let her know that your kids need some time, but that you look forward to getting to know her better so she knows you harbor no ill will.

Yikes. I think you're doing the right thing. It's hard to really know what is right in this situation but I think yes, you do need to follow his lead, but also, let's be serious, he may not know how to cope in these type of situations so he might need some prodding and/or some suggestions. Your kids need to know, you did the right thing by telling them. Of course they're freaked, understandable, but just keep talking about her and I would think another visit should happen, just in the right time. Hopefully you can figure it all out, but it sounds like you're on the right track.

My family has a similar story, and I am the other daughter in the scenario. I didn't find out about my father and meet him until I was 25 years old, and my three siblings were older than me (it's complicated). Even with all of us being adults, it was difficult emotionally for all of us. I agree with the others. Follow your husband's lead. I commend you for being so kind and welcoming, though. Your children are still pretty young, and this is a lot to deal with. Give them time. Eventually they will (hopefully) develop some sort of relationship with their newly found sister. That's what happened with me. We all get along well now, but it has been 15 years. It was a somewhat rocky road at first. Good luck to all of you.

As others have said - this is your husband's screw up and now many years later his child who could, believe it or not, turn out to be a blessing to yoru family. God finds a way to take the bad and turn it around for good if you let Him.

I understand you feel pain - who wouldn't. I'm not sure why you got your kids involved at this tender age. Where you trying to punish your husband - maybe subconsciously if not consciously? Your kids are at an age where they need to feel secure and not that there's suddenly this person who wants to change up the dynamics of your family. Leave your kids out of this as much as possible. Allow your husband to repair the trust with your kids - becuase even though it occured before they were born this is a breach of trust as far as they are concerned.

Then step out of the way. Let you knucklehead husband figure out how to deal with his grown daughter. It's tough for everyone involved - and of course, for the youjng lady too - and for you. My husband's brother had the same situation - but at the time the child was born everyone knew about it and she was his only child. It is tough - no doubt and it's not fair - but we live in a fallen world and when people do things that are wrong it frequently impacts lots of people around them.

Now you need to pick yourself up, dust yourselff off and get back to life. It happened a really long time ago, you've had a chance to mourn the situation and the way things used to be. A co uple of nights of crying was cathartic but it's time to stop that. Now you have to help YOUR kids get past this information that they really didn't need to know about for a few more years... Talk to a good counselor about how to heal the situation within your immediate family and move forward. You can do it.